Reminder: Don't befriend male colleagues who are married!

BasieSkanks · 2021-11-14T10:24:09+00:00

Personally I do not befriend work colleagues at all. I am friendly, but I avoid being too familiar with my colleagues, whether male or female, until I have left the team. I find it better to keep my personal and professional life separate.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-11-14T11:59:15+00:00

I don't do friendship with men as I have always found they have ulterior motives.

I certainly wouldn't be friends with a male colleague. I grey rock all the men at my work place yet they still try and use me for free therapy. I find a blank look and / or no eye contact works well most of the time in getting rid of them.

samedinuitmort · 2021-11-14T09:44:50+00:00

My personal rule for friendship with men is always: be better/closer friends with his partner than with him. I know the woman may not always be near or available, but every chance I get to see her I make sure to make excited conversation, exchange social media contacts, always support her on social media and send compliments, always go to her and spend time with her on hangouts, and just overall be better friends with her than with him. This is awesome because it gets me good friends sometimes!

In interactions with the man, I make sure to treat him more as an uncle/brother (depending), don’t share anything even remotely sexual, only talk about romantic things if I’m praising my own partner, and always put an emphasis on his partner and his family rather than on himself.

In sum, I might befriend him, but I’m also holding him accountable to how devoted he is to his partner and his family. I make sure if a man like this says anything inappropriate, that he’ll feel uncomfortable and like he’s a weirdo with no audience.

I try to exude a slightly threatening, dangerous aura of “don’t you dare slip near me or else 🙂”

Once a boss was joking about how he’d never sell his sports car even with a baby on the way, because it “gets him chicks”. The collective cringe in the office made him want to crawl into his own asshole - I saw it on his face, he was so embarrassed, he thought explaining the joke would save him.

Curl up in shame, scrote.

KindredMaximus · 2021-11-14T10:15:44+00:00

I agree. The one time I couldn't avoid it - when doing Uni assignments and being paired up with a married man and needing to work closely with him (over years of undergrad), I also got his wife's mobile number, made sure she had mine and duplicated every single text I sent him - if he got it, she got it. She received every text I sent him as default. Often, she would ring me if he wasn't answering his phone. I was open and transparent, as I possibly could be. I befriended her and told her where we were and always said she was welcome e.g. if we were in the library at night. I also made sure me and her husband were always in public and we never worked isolated or alone. We (them and I) are still friends to this day. In reality, she was drop dead gorgeous, years younger and had nothing to worry about - but I know when things aren't up front, peoples imaginations get away from them and it was also for me - I sure as hell never want to be a source of tension in anyone's marriage. Marriage is hard enough as it is.

fireforestfairy · 2021-11-14T10:20:07+00:00

I just maintain a respectable distance away from all men who are not pursuing me. Even if these guys are single, there's not much point in becoming extremely close to them as it will send the wrong signal and lead to embarrassment.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-11-14T12:50:25+00:00

I was talking to a male coworker at overnight teambuilding event, who is married, but getting divorced, and dating another coworker already (nobody knows that yet), and I was slut shamed by other female coworker of mine. She said that I shouldn't talk to him, because he's married. Yes, it's not worth it. But I have a huge problem to not be friendly towards coworkers, especially in the company where it's highly encouraged ("we're family here"). When I started to work there in May, I was friendly but distant, and I was so proud of myself, but our boss takes us to trips abroad and various teambuildings which we have to attend, and it's just impossible to not get to know these people. I can see that it already creates problems, though.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-11-14T19:34:10+00:00

Oh don’t worry. He’s got a “forever gf” 🤡 But seriously, I’m actually thinking of slowly fading and ditching his number because he’s become even more LV and we dont talk as much. Plus I don’t trust him even though he offered and asked me to go visit him at his house and he “wasn’t weird”. He also “sees me as a bro” which is pretty cringe. Edit: I don’t work in anything professional. Just a warehouse.

bonghits4jess · 2021-11-15T00:09:48+00:00

I just got a new male coworker who is married and I get vibes that he might have a crush on me 🙄 he asked to call me by my nickname which thinking about it now, no one at work calls me it. He’s older than me and calls me “my dear.” He offered to cook for me once so I could try food from his culture.

It all seems innocuous but I notice it is a little different from my relationship with my former coworker who held his same position. We became close after a while and talked a little more about personal stuff after we became close, but I never got the sense that he was hitting on me or would even try to have sex with me if there was any kind of opening. He has a serious girlfriend who he was planning on marrying and talked to me about how he was saving up for an expensive ring. Not gonna claim he was HV, but he was still more traditional minded in relationships and was clearly devoted to his gf. The new guy on the other hand, I just get a vibe that he’s a little more friendly than he needs to be and I’m on high alert.

LonchuraStriata · 2021-11-14T10:30:34+00:00

I'd say it depends. I have a male colleague whom I even consider my only real male friend (relatives excluded).

BUT: We have known each other since our study days, so before ever working together. But it's a small, competitive discipline and have skills that complement each other well, so it was either competing for every single job offer and project in the future (which neither of us wanted) or cooperating and profiting together. We have known each other for more than 10 years and very successfully worked as a team for around 6 of them. He met his fiancee through me and I am close friends with her, too. We have supported each other through difficult personal and professional situations. But there was never, ever a single romantic or sexual situation or remark between us. We honestly feel like siblings (and have been told by others we give off those vibes).

aluriaphin · 2021-11-14T12:20:08+00:00

"Befriending" a man in a relationship is really Pick Me/NLOG 101!

to_learn_to_fly · 2021-11-14T22:28:59+00:00

When they're single it's even worse TBH

katiekat0214 · 2021-11-14T12:17:06+00:00

I'll be honest, I'm friendly at work with everyone. Doesn't mean I'm friends, since that for me can take months even years. But cordial, polite? Sure, always, that's easy to do, it's good karma, and it works well.

I've had a quite a few male friends at work, but as a teacher, it's easier IMO. We were always about professional distance anyway, and have to jump through hoops to become teachers: exams, certifications, re-certifications, fingerprinting, background checks, the twice-yearly child abuse training, etc. So once I got to be in the ranks of other teachers, I knew 99.9999% of those people were good people anyway, there to help, to give, to lift others up. After 26 years of doing the job, I can only remember a few people, men and women, who might have been a little strange, but no one who was actively harmful*, or who had ulterior motives, or who made a move on anyone. We were all there to work.

Different now that I'm out in the real world, not around children or in the mileu of education. I don't miss it, happy to be retired, but it's just different.

*Actively harmful to students directly. I worked at one school with three narcissists, two in my department, one the principal. It was the year from hell personally and professionally. I survived.

Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-11-14T20:05:47+00:00

Keep it professional.

If he holds a a higher position:

All one word answers.
Keep your voice monotone, and boring. Don’t be enthusiastic.
Don’t even look in his direction
Don’t touch him, not even high fives.
Don’t give him a reason to talk to you.
Look bored and uncomfortable all the time.
Do not be in the same room alone with him.
If you somehow find yourself stuck in a position where you’re alone, like you were early to a meeting. Pretend to be busy, take a phone call, or listen to music.

If he makes any advances, just blow it off, and act like you don’t know what’s happening.

I’d rather be friends with a single woman like me around my age.

ApartPersonality · 2021-11-14T20:05:44+00:00

Sometimes it is necessary to have cordial, friendly relationships with men in the workplace. Befriend his partner and put that relationship first. Have strong boundaries with the men in your workplace.

Title	Reminder: Don't befriend male colleagues who are married!
Author	ho-chet
Upvotes	316
Comments	28
Date	November 14, 2021 12:58 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qteep4/reminder_dont_befriend_male_colleagues_who_are/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/reminder-dont-befriend-male-colleagues-who-are.1084212 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084212

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