How would you handle libido differences with a partner

black_snake_m0an · 2021-11-11T17:04:01+00:00

Well I have this issue with my partner but we make it work. There are more important things in relationships than sex. this is the happiest ive been in a relationship because I think other things matter way more than sex. Fwiw I have the higher libido, but I can put it aside. And I didn’t know his libido was lower until well into the relationship when I had already fallen in love with him because we did have sex a lot in the beginning. But now he’s on a medication for his recovery that hinders his sex drive. I’m also on the same medication, and have been since before I met him, so my libido is definitely lower than it would be. We’ve had conversations and he is going to eventually try to come off of the medication, and I’m probably not going to(for multiple reasons, not just sex. The medication benefits my life in other areas and he doesn’t like what it does for him, so he’s going to try to get off of it. But either way, I love him and don’t want anyone else so I’d never cheat. I’d rather have sex with him infrequently than have sex with someone else. What’s more important to me is the companionship, spending all of our days together, and the intimacy that is there without actual sex. Just kissing and being touched by my partner makes me happy, sex is just a bonus. But that’s just us. I think if you truly love someone, you’ll make it work. I’ve had a lot of relationships and this is the first one where I’ve been truly happy and have no doubt in my mind that I want to spend my life with this person.

DOSGAMES · 2021-11-11T21:47:33+00:00

For the person wanting more sex, it’s a rough conversation to bring up.

As important as communication is, having the ‘talk’ about it could dredge up jealousy, insecurity, and resentment if the relationship has other problems.

It shines a light on sex that really makes it transactional, a killer of romanticism and emotional connection.

And the person wanting more sex doesn’t really have a good hand to play here.

Sad and horny puppy dog? Pathetic.

I’ve had it happen in two relationships. The first time we had “the talk”, several times actually, before breaking up. It only made matters worse. I was a dead man walking already.

The second time I never brought it up and instead started hanging out with her less. I picked up hobbies and hung out with my buddies more often.

Why bend over backwards trying to see a girl who is lukewarm about you?

This prompted a different type of uncomfortable conversation about the health of the relationship. Where she didn’t appreciate my ‘slow fade’.

This relit the spark, albeit briefly. And it required jealousy/pride to fuel it. But it didn’t do anything for the relationship itself. And like the first example, each repeat of the cycle further weakens the whole thing.

I think the relationship has to be really strong to weather it. And assuming you aren’t locked in by marriage and kids, its typically best to just end it.

DesperateTraffic3164 · 2021-11-11T23:00:49+00:00

There's sex to fulfill a physical need (like pissing or shitting) and sex because you love someone and want to be closer to them.
When there are differences in libido and the man 'holds himself back,' they are repressing perfectly natural, physical functions that make them happier and healthier. This is exactly the reason why I recommend no man ever commits to purely monogamous relationships. You are engaging in pointless self-flagellation for no reason, and you are setting yourself up for failure in the longterm.
The way I handle libido differences is to fuck other women. Period. You engage with loving sex with your partner and fulfill your physical needs elsewhere if your partner can't keep up.

Barely-moral · 2021-11-12T01:10:54+00:00

I am the one with low libido in the relationship.

Monogamy/sexual exclusivity means that the only way either of us gets their sexual needs met is through each other.

That means I am responsible for her sexual satisfaction. So I am the one that has to deal with it. I am the one that has to make our sexual encounters work for her level of libido both in quantity and quality.

Not an issue. It is what I signed up for. I do my part of the deal, she does hers.

I already changed so much of my life to be able to have a relationship, matching miss moral's libido is nothing compared to ... I don't know... getting a career, getting in shape, staying in shape, learning social skills, changing the way I dress... I could go on.

RaspberryJuiceBox · 2021-11-12T02:15:31+00:00

Libido mismatch is a deal breaker for me because libido isn’t a fixed state, it fluctuates depending on our circumstances and proximity to people that turn us on.

Lack of a high libido for your partner is almost always bad news, and if you’re frequently turning down sex with your partner when you are well-rested, have no health conditions that negatively affect sexual desire, and have time for it, it’s because your partner doesn’t turn you on and you should do them the courtesy of ending that relationship.

I have a high libido when I’m really attracted to someone and I couldn’t tolerate a relationship where the other party didn’t feel the same level of attraction towards me, initiate often at appropriate times and accept the vast majority of my initiations.

As a woman, I have found in relationships that men don’t often turn down opportunities for sex and if they do, it’s usually for a good but temporary reason such as being genuinely exhausted or sick. Even when exhausted, many men will still jump at the chance for sex.

They also initiate often, and they pay attention to your behaviour and schedule and initiate sex at appropriate times when you’re most likely to have free time AND be in the mood. They will also make a point of trying to get you in the mood by seducing you.

If a man doesn’t do that, he’s not that attracted to you. It’s not a libido mismatch, he’s not attracted to you.

If a man has a low libido in a relationship, it’s usually because he’s lost his attraction to his partner or was never terribly attracted to her in the first place.

In most cases, he has another source of sexual stimulation, usually masturbating to porn, and/or cheating, and he’s just sticking around because he still benefits from the relationship even when he’s not having sex.

I especially couldn’t tolerate a relationship where the other party watched porn to sexually satisfy themselves either in lieu of having sex with me or when I wasn’t available because porn watching in a relationship inevitably creates libido problems where none existed before.

Men lose attraction to their female partners when they watch porn, start demanding porn star acts in bed and stop trying to make their female partners cum. They end up viewing sex as something they do to the woman in order for them to orgasm rather than seeing it as something intimate they do together to make each other cum and become emotionally close to each other.

Porn watching men may also go into relationships claiming they are low libido because they’ve lost much of the desire for sex with a real woman, or because they’ve selected that woman for other benefits she provides like money, a nice home, cooking, cleaning, emotional support and a reprieve from loneliness, or because they simply do not enjoy sex as much as masturbating to porn.

Men who have a higher libido for porn than real women should not date or have relationships because these relationships will inevitably fail as there’s a libido mismatch from day one, it’s a barrier to intimacy and their partners will be harmed when they learn they come second after porn.

What happens in these cases is the female partner ends up sexually dissatisfied because her man isn’t making an effort to please her, and she can tell he’s just not that attracted to her, which diminishes her self-esteem. If she does find out he prefers porn to sex with her and has a high libido for porn but a low libido for her, she will feel betrayed, insulted and devalued.

Both result in lowering her libido for him, the frequency of sex further plummets and the sex that does happen is more dissatisfying than ever.

I’ve seen stats saying that women file for divorce at a much higher frequency than men, that between 70 and 80% of divorces are filed by women and that porn use by the male is cited as the reason for divorce in up to 58% of divorces. I think that shows just how often porn is the cause of a libido mismatch and break-up too and it’s completely preventable.

It’s pretty impossible to feel hot, burning desire for a man and want to jump his bones when he never initiates or frequently turns you down but regularly says yes to beating his dick in his hand while watching his favourite porn category

Women’s libido for their partners will also plummet if the men don’t automatically pull their weight with childcare, house cleaning and household management because women lose attraction to their partners in those circumstances because we start feeling like their moms and we become burned out from all the additional work.

Both partners libido for each other will drop if the other party gets really fat, has bad hygiene, or is pathologically disagreeable, contemptful, domineering, abusive, disrespectful or neglectful.

I’m not saying there aren’t health problems that can cause a lower libido, or that I expect my libido for my partner, or his libido for me, will remain static throughout our entire relationship. I certainly wouldn’t expect it in a marriage or lifelong common law relationship but I would expect that the state of our libidos for each other would be commensurate with our age and health.

So yeah. If he isn’t aching to fuck me as much as I want him, I just don’t see the point.

Romantic relationships are based on sexual intimacy and companionship, that’s why we have them and why we enjoy them, and I don’t understand how anyone can believe it’s shallow to end a relationship over a libido mismatch or that it’s normal for young men and middle-aged men to have a low libido. It is absolutely abnormal for straight men to be around women they’re attracted to, in a relationship with and to turn down sex when the opportunity presents itself.

PMmeareasontolive · 2021-11-11T16:33:34+00:00

It's more a question of quality than quantity. I've been in relationships where we only got together on weekends, so once a week isn't that often, right? But it has to be pretty good then, we have to be very compatible sexually.

GridReXX · 2021-11-11T19:45:49+00:00

[permanently deleted]

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-11-11T21:36:32+00:00

If they want to have a "who can last the longest without sex" competition, then game on. I'm going on year 33.

wheelsonmeal · 2021-11-12T02:49:48+00:00

Jerk off.

Libido changes happen in life. They can be quite drastic due to a myriad number of reasons, like stress, work, children, accidents, war, natural bodily hormonal changes.

Expecting a perfect libido match for life is too rigid imho and will miss out on even better oportunities. I say this as someone with fairly high libido at this point in life.

Because a partner is so much more than just sexual, and you are each others sixes, ending an existing established relationship due to mismatch is not straight forward. Towards the end of our lives, few people are really going to really give a fuck about us. Period. Sex can be used as one of the most powerful many ways to bond but it isn't the only one. I would be so sad if a partner of many years left me because my hormones changed and I wasn't ready to go every morning.

wub1234 · 2021-11-11T16:14:57+00:00

I would just say: "Look, I'm going to have to have a wank sometimes". I will be thinking about you, honestly.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-11-11T17:39:27+00:00

What generally happens is a women's libido is high during the "New Relationship Energy" phase, and is often higher than the guys libido at this stage, but often it then falls later, by which stage their is some commitment by the guy that makes it difficult for him to leave the relationship, for example they move in together.

It is at this stage the four horsemen (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/) enter the relationship whenever sex is discussed and that is how a dead bedroom forms.

So, I would see a relationship counselor, and discuss sexual incompatibility.

In addition, I would inquire as to her sexual past.

If it's the case that she used to be highly sexually expressive before the relationship started yet is now inexplicably low libido, she probably has a Madonna-Whore complex.

A Madonna-Whore complex is very difficult to fix, however plenty of women have this syndrome these days as they have sex pushed onto them at an early age and there has been a big shift in society where women have been encouraged to participate in a slut phase before settling down.

In summary, I would advocate that if a woman's libido starts dropping when you start committing to her, call the relationship off as it's too risky.

yungthrowaway97 · 2021-11-11T17:26:35+00:00

It has to match up to an extent. Like someone that can only go once a week should not be with someone that needs multiple times a day. But someone that can do it daily should be able to compromise with someone that needs it multiple times a day for example. Also some people get bored of monogamous sex so if your partner had sex a lot in the beginning then it went down hill that could be one of the reasons.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2021-11-11T20:35:59+00:00

I wouldn't handle the differences. I leave.

BruddaMSK · 2021-11-12T09:38:43+00:00

How would you handle libido differences with a partner

I would whine in the internet.

(said without a grain of irony or sarcasm).

ToughAnswers · 2021-11-11T17:27:27+00:00

Personally I think I would refuse to commit to someone who won't have sex as frequently with me as I want

This is the way

then again I've never commited to begin with.

This is the way

baresquad · 2021-11-11T16:42:34+00:00

We would have the “this isn’t gonna workout” conversation way before exclusivity is established if we don’t match each other’s drive. The best thing to do is literally date someone that matches your sex drive and none of this would be an issue and it’s really simple to do

If somebody has to low or high of a sex drive and that’s something that’s important to you why would you commit to a relationship with that person in the first place?

Failure_to_Resist · 2021-11-11T16:57:32+00:00

I think you also should consider that libido can often change through lifetime, from physical and mental influences, internal and external. So you might get with someone long term who matches perfectly at the start, but sometime down the line one of you changes. What then?

I'm also a bit concerned about the phrase 'who won't have sex with me as frequently as I want'. It's unsettling me a bit, because it sounds so one sided and pressuring. All relationships involve compromise somewhere, and good ones have compromise on both sides. It's not all about you and what you want. I'm sure it's just misreading or reading into it on my part. I do agree that if you know your sexual comparability is super off, getting with someone long term like that is a bad idea. Just remember that everyone is different, so even closely matched libidos will not always want sex to the same level as the other all the time.

DerekMorganBAU · 2021-11-12T01:16:02+00:00

Cheat

VasiliyZaitzev · 2021-11-12T02:00:40+00:00

The last time I got turned down for sex in a relationship was 23 years ago. I'm generally not going to initiate if the girl has the flu or smth, but in general the women I date are perfectly willing to come across for me, and I generally date women in their 20s, who are pretty much Ready to Rock at the drop of a hat. Youth has it's advantages.

So you pick compatible partners. If I met a woman who wanted it more than I did, I would find a way to accommodate her unless she was at the "Kathy Willets" level of horndog-ness.

{Willets was a Florida woman who was a self-described nymphomaniac and needed to get railed out like 8x a day.}

JacobMoogberg69 · 2021-11-11T18:45:40+00:00

The first year is easy. Talk to me 5-6-7 years in. I think at this point of you are not fucking other people here and there it's hard to maintain the passion.

The_Meep_Lord · 2021-11-11T16:06:12+00:00

Depends who is who.

If I am lower libido, I would just give her the sex she wants. As long as it is reasonable ofc. Sex is a “need” and it would be better to just give her what she wants for the relationship in the long term. And the more you have sex, the higher your sex drive gets anyway, so it fixes itself with time. I would also communicate about how not to feel used and help her be better at sex to help maintain this in the long term.

If I am higher libido, then I would communicate my needs to my partner and go from there. If she is uncompromising, then we are incompatible and she isn’t a good long term partner, so I would end the relationship. If she does compromise and the arrangement is fair, then it will work just fine so there is no issue.

I am actually usually on the lower libido side (I can increase it via vitamins dramatically though) and am the one pressured to give more most of the time. It doesn’t help that I am actually really good at sex, but I live with it and have come to enjoy the intimacy either way.

abaxeron · 2021-11-11T18:06:04+00:00

Toiz! In both scenarios.

Taipanshimshon · 2021-11-12T03:51:37+00:00

Do you generally want to make your partner happy? Do that.

Chaddamhusein · 2021-11-12T04:45:27+00:00

By breaking up

Mark_Freed · 2021-11-12T05:05:04+00:00

If I was low libido, I’d try to go with it and see if i start to get in the mood as time goes… if it doesn’t then I won’t take pills or anything. I’d explain and not try. I might have a responsive libido instead of a spontaneous one.

If it was a chronic issue, I’d see doc, get blood work, I’d try to understand the underlying cause. If it’s her weight, appearance, I’d tell her and maybe workout with her. I would try fetishes, add spice. If nothing works, I’d ask her if she was really ok? If I believe she is ok then I’d stay but if I feel like she is suffering and I’m near asexual I’ll leave.

If I had high libido, like I think I do. I would try to first reduce my demand, like initiate weekly instead of daily once I understand she isn’t into it. Then communicate with her, go to gym, maybe all day foreplay, tease her, reduce her stress, try to understand what works for her, get med tests done for her, ask her to workout with me, be romantic, if we still end up with a huge mismatch and if I don’t think porn is enough, I’d try flesh light, ask her if I can get a sex doll. Then if I’m still not happy and feeling fulfilled I’d consider what my dating prospects are seriously and how important she is to my life and how compatible we are, etc and if I think I have a decent shot at happiness with a more sexually compatible partner I would break up.

Like others pointed out in my post, opening up the relationship is rarely a solution. I would only open it up if I trusted my partner a lot and from a position of strength and not as a solution when the relationship was struggling.

In all of these if I had kids, I would just not leave and deal with my high libido and I would try my best to satisfy her if I was low libido.

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PlayfulLawyer · 2021-11-11T21:00:34+00:00

Well I guess I'll just say the same answer I did on the other one since I didn't see this lol but I'm not interested in the whole monogamy thing anyways but if I was there's no way in hell I would be in a monogamous relationship with a low libido significant other, we would have to part ways

Title	How would you handle libido differences with a partner
Author	WheelIntelligent1354
Upvotes	9
Comments	48
Date	November 11, 2021 3:48 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/qro4ol/how_would_you_handle_libido_differences_with_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-would-you-handle-libido-differences-with-a.1084661 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084661

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