STBX is love bombing me (and it's kind of working) [Vent]

Tomo201070 · 2021-12-05T12:53:59+00:00

Listen to your head this time, brother. Your heart will mend with time. If you're enjoying the single life, and more importantly more "peachful (sic) and stress free" then I think you already know the answer. I've been separated from my Ex since April, and only moved away in Sept just before we sold the marital home. The peace and stress free lifestyle has often led me to feelings of guilt, that I shouldn't be enjoying my life away from her, that I should be enjoying it with her..... and that's when I look at the previous 10 years and wonder why I never felt it then.

Live your better life, and live it for you!!

sicrm · 2021-12-05T13:50:17+00:00

if you go back, you’ll be making another post here before 2022 is over, maybe even before 2021 is over.

Mickwillie · 2021-12-05T15:05:03+00:00

Women are fucked up arent they. Especially the good looking ones. That’s what happens to a person I guess when they walk around there whole life being desired.

henrysmyagent · 2021-12-05T22:47:00+00:00

She turned off the love to control your behavior.

That tactic failed.

Now she turns on the love...to control you.

Love isn't the problem. She can turn it off and on at will which proves she doesn't truly love you.

No, the problem is you are not doing what she wants. Kicking you out didn't bring you to heel so she thinks maybe love will. When that doesn't work I predict she will go rogue and act crazy.

Dude, are you her dog or her ex? Are you trainable?

Stop letting her play you. Get the divorce already.

gnackered · 2021-12-05T16:40:40+00:00

Imagine a world where the divorce was finalized but you guys co-habituated. If things went sour you would have already settled the accounts, and could focus on your own healing. If things truly got better, you could always re-marry.

Imagine proposing such a thing to her.

dadmacintosh · 2021-12-05T16:14:31+00:00

Run, dude. Run. Don’t look back. Date around, settle in single life. Finish off the paperwork on the divorce. That will be the best gift you will give yourself.

pegleg_legal · 2021-12-06T02:50:26+00:00

Similar here. It was so infuriating for me to learn she could have been doing this all along. I thought she was incapable - but really she's just a fucking cold hearted nasty piece of work.

ThrowAwayAccount__0 · 2021-12-06T05:28:52+00:00

My ex did it multiple times. Played victim, then would call and yell and harass me.

Tried couples therapy and flipped the switch in the session and started being nasty right there in front of the therapist.

Did it again but this time about finding god and being a new person.

It's. All. Bullshit.

Because they see you getting distant and are dropping all the bombs to get you to break.

I was happiest when she didn't interact. After 3 months and she started back with this "new person I learned and am better now" I slipped back into chaos. I was doing the gym 2x a week, killing it at work, fucking loving life. Then I let her weasel back into my head and had to start the recovery all over again.

When you leave her and she flips the switch and becomes nastier than you've ever seen, it'll hurt more realizing the love bombing is manipulation and she didn't mean any of it.

That's what hurts the most, I think. The blatant manipulation when she finds out it didn't work and you see through her bullshit.

playerknowmore · 2021-12-05T14:26:23+00:00

You have passed the ten years milestone so odds are spousal support will probably be the same for the next eight years. I would check out a couples counselor. I'm guessing you have learned that you have a say, and properly motivated she will conform. Infidelity tends to be that bridge to far, and mentioned none of that.

With that being said sometimes being served is a wake up call. Remind her that you want to be with her, but you don't need her. Remind her she brought the possibility of divorce into the marriage, and now the door will forever be opened. You can follow your head or your heart; just keep your head turned on.

Ashamed-Country-8024 · 2021-12-05T16:18:53+00:00

Stay strong man. Stand up for YOUR needs. Maybe she fuck offs for 6 months to a year and you guys reconnect later or something. Who knows, but make sure you are taking care of you.

I feel like I'm starting down your path. Told wife I was done on Black Friday. Alternating days taking care of our daughter now while living in the same house 5 days a week. It's been a huge weight off of me not having to meet her expectations or even try. I'm starting to feel the pull of making the break official and starting to discuss a cooperative mediation of the split. I'm also starting to feel a little nagging resentment in the back of my mind about how I am continuing to allow her to take advantage of me financially by supporting her.

Yesterday she touched my arm/shoulder for a few seconds while we were talking, and today she did something similar. I felt that pull, that draw towards her, and it's fucking with my head. All I've been asking her for for years is to touch me and desire me. Now that it's on the verge of all breaking down, she wants to start initiating contact? WTF

2021-12-05T18:01:51+00:00

Life will be so much better without her.

cleats4u · 2021-12-05T18:44:58+00:00

Every time I think of dating again I think of all the drama/trauma I could get into. Either they are doing it or their families are. I used to jokingly say...if it's not one thing, it's your mother! At my age I probably won't have to meet her mother. But most likely she will have kids and grandkids that are her "everything" . It's been 10 years since it ended and I wouldn't give up my freedom and peace now for a supermodel (she won't be spending her money !). Believe me, I know there are far worse things out there than the occasional pang of loneliness. Stay smooth brotha. Don't fall for wooden nickels.

HelixFish · 2021-12-05T22:19:39+00:00

Watch out for hysterical bonding. Google it. Don’t have sex with her. It will feel good, but afterward will totally fuck with your head. Save yourself the trouble and don’t get caught in any situation where it can happen.

Fin4llyBre4thing · 2021-12-05T13:22:42+00:00

I don't have much to go on from your description but seperation can bring changes and improvements to a relationship. She may have asked you to leave and now realizes she misses you. You may be acting more masculine now that you've separated and she's attracted to that. You could check out redpill RPT and see that you were more passive before and now you are actually pushing her buttons in a good way. I don't see kids in equation but if there are, then maybe you should consider counseling for a while. You can keep the planned rental and keep the peace and just make sure that in you being a better you there could be a better her too and then you could get back together. If she fails the test of time then you know for sure...

KangolkidD24 · 2021-12-06T05:20:58+00:00

Stay the course sir. I'm assuming yall just got tired of each other. If shes doing this now then the question is where was this. You leaving by her request open her eyes or the fd up part her ap dumped her and was like no your just booty nothing else. I do hope it's more of yall need some space then the trend of other people. Yes just keep up your front and be a great dad.

Important-Warning-31 · 2021-12-06T14:52:55+00:00

How do you know that she isn’t genuine with her changes though? If you conflicted, and would be satisfied with her if she changed for the better then why not ease into it to find out? It would suck to realize afterwards that she really did change and that you regret your choices?

Totally, many spouses will be manipulative with temporary changes to win someone back. Sometimes though, it takes losing something to realize what they had and why they lost it. I can be a catalyst for genuine change but does take a great deal of hard self-introspection on their part and conscious and diligent effort to commit to learning what they were behaving the way that they were in the past and then act on changing those things about themselves.

MML

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2021-12-06T15:37:31+00:00

Frickin manipulation. You're right to be upset. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Kept me hanging on for years. It was only in the past year that I really caught on to it. If I was upset enough to leave, she'd turn on the sexy lovey and say that she was turned on by my emotional honesty and openness. Nope. It was all just manipulation.

I've been there. This is exactly what's going on in your case.

bminuscplus · 2022-03-14T14:44:03+00:00

Dude, are you me?

I think I could have written everything you put here, down to her asking if there were any other women after I didn't want to reconcile.

Saw your post after I've started searching for "love bombing from stbx" and it's uncanny how, at least on the surface, our experiences match.

An abridged version of my personal experience:

I left my marriage when she told me to leave after she got mad I took our daughter to see her grandparents without her approval.

A note about this - everything I did, even by myself, needed HER approval, but what this approval consisted of would change, sometimes her saying "yes" was not enough, sometimes she would deny having approved altogether. Also, for anything she did, she would only tell me later or not at all, so consent was only a one-way street.

There were no drugs or cheating that I know of, but during our marriage, if things didn't go as she wanted (she didn't get a promotion, or someone blocked her in traffic, or I didn't do the dishes the way she wanted), she would go into a rage and I would be met with screams, or she would destroy my stuff, even pushing and hitting was something she was okay doing to me. I kept up with this for the sake of my daugther, but I saw how this was affecting her.

But even when leaving I feel a lot of guilt. Like I failed the marriage, but even worse is the guilt of feeling at peace now, like I shouldn't feel this, but I do. It's a great feeling to want to come home, instead of driving slower or sitting in my garage for a few more minutes so I don't have to deal with my wife. After years of abuse, I think I shut down emotionally and I feel depressed.

Now I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I'm going back to the gym, I'm talking to my old friends again (she didn't like them so I couldn't meet them without a huge fight), I'm taking my daugther to see her grandparents every week (now they're seeing her more than when I was married). I think I'll start therapy next.

She, on the other hand, is trying everything to get back together. Texts me constantly, calls, say every loving word I wanted to hear from her when we were married... She says she "gets it now", that she "understands how awful she was", she cries often, she even showed up suddenly at my mother's house one day when I was there to try and have me back - and this brings even more guilt, because I start to feel like a heartless cold mtf for not taking her back.

Even my dad was telling me that maybe she changed and I could give her another chance, but I saved a lot of videos from the worst days of my marriage (mostly to keep me sane later because I knew she would later say I was making things up - she would do this often) - and, after showing him one video, he quickly changed his mind.

It's like my brain knows going back is the worst mistake I can do, while my heart tells me I'm cold and wrong.

I'm sorry because this was your thread to vent, and here am I venting instead, but I hope sharing experiences somehow helps both of us.

Title	STBX is love bombing me (and it's kind of working) [Vent]
Author	Gattsama
Upvotes	21
Comments	44
Date	December 5, 2021 12:21 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/r9emeq/stbx_is_love_bombing_me_and_its_kind_of_working/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/stbx-is-love-bombing-me-and-its-kind-of-working.1088586 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088586

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