On this sub I've read a lot of posts about how we should avoid male friends as they all want one thing (sex), and instead look to cultivate only HV female friends. While this argument has its merits I think it overlooks the crucial benefits of having a carefully 'curated' group of male friendships, that is: having the time to vet them as friends without having to date them or sleep with them.

If they're friends with you they're probably attracted to you in some way. However, men know that when you label each other as 'friends' that means you are not meant to engage with each other romantically or sexually. That element is off limits and if they want you, they're going to have to convince you that they are better than all the other male friends you have, and they KNOW. They know that the other male friends in your life are also very likely to be interested in you. It's competition for them and that's good for you.

The friendship dynamic automatically sets up a situation where you are the uninterested party and they are the pursuer. It's during this period of time, assuming you play your cards right (and NOT make things flirtatious or sexual with them) that they will get to know you and you will get to know them (read: vet them for an extensive period of time). I don't think most men fully see women as people beyond their immediate sexuality until they have spent non-sexual time with them and have an opportunity to develop an emotional connection and respect for them. That's why flirting and sex is off limits, but being a sweet, considerate, caring and gracious friend is ok (obviously, you can decide how much emotional labour you want to do for this, but some is required to develop the friendship). Friendship is the foundation on which you can find out whether you have compatible values and whether he is HV. As Lundy Bancroft said in a recent podcast, if you want to get to know someone you have to give them time to reveal themselves to you and friendship is the perfect cover for that, as it doesn't have the same time pressures that OLD can bring, for example.

This is a long term vetting strategy because developing emotional intimacy with a man who is attracted to you and keeping it non-sexual requires time, boundaries and space from each other. Don't be desperate to see him, don't be a pick me. Let things develop naturally and if they don't then you have your answer. It can take a year or more of a man knowing you to appreciate you and respect you enough to open up about his true self in front of you. That's when you take notes.

I've had a man who I've been friends with for three years recently admit to me he's actually not emotionally available (lol). He had opened up about his dating troubles when we were chatting on the phone.

I've had another man who I've been friends with for two years who has been fairly unproblematic and that's great because it's a green flag. He has always respected the boundaries of the friendship and it's nice to have - tentatively - HV men in my friendship circles.

In an ideal world men would respect and emotionally connect with women from the get go, but we don't live in that world. Even a HV man who respects women as a class will need time to get to know a woman personally and do his own vetting before he respects you on a personal level for who you are as an individual. Don't forget LV women exist out there and he doesn't know whether you're LV or HV without the benefit of time and friendship.

Finally, we always talk about how men dig women for their labour, but we don't often talk about how women can counteract that. Being single and having lots of male friends is actually a great way to secure labour and resources because no one is nicer than a man who wants to sleep with you. Again, for this to work you have to be extremely strict about not sleeping with or flirting with your male friends. You have to maintain extremely high standards and let them see how you dismiss LV attempts at courting you while you give them time to understand your HV stance in life. Male friends who become invested in you and respectful of you as a person will gladly offer you their resources as a shoulder to cry on (emotional labour), someone to help fix something around the house, or protection from other problematic men (physical labour), buy you drinks or a meal (financial labour). It is your job to be able to receive these gifts and be gracious about them as it makes most men happy that they can do something for you.

The man you finally choose to be your partner should be a person whose positive qualities are so great that the benefit of having him be your chosen partner outweighs the cost of potentially losing your male friends and the resources and benefits they provide to you as a single woman.