How important are developmental/maturity stages in dating?

AutomaticMeaning3844 · 2022-08-22T17:51:26+00:00

A lot harder for men because a large number of good women are taken by around 24-25. The leftovers have been using dating apps and sleeping around for many years. Women also discriminate against men who don't have experience later in life. It's also harder to get experience to grow because it's harder to meet people later in life.

Women have no issues on any of this because her lack of experience is neutral or even positive cause female privilege. She can easily find a man who hasn't dated much to match her own temperament or find an outgoing extroverted man who is willing to date a shy or inexperienced woman.

attendquoi · 2022-08-22T15:52:11+00:00

My experience is that it isn't harder, as most of my guy friends were behind in that way. However, they pursued and dated women who were on the same timeline.

Eval-conundrum · 2022-08-22T16:01:20+00:00

I hate to sound like a member of the religious man haters, but it's a spectrum.

One evolves their personality and "maturity", which barely has a definition that isn't biased, over time.

Milestones are completely made up.

Let's say you lose your virginity. What's exactly different from yesterday and tomorrow?

Virignity, especially for a man, means nothing. There's no hymen. First kiss is going to be shit for everyone, you need practice and in many cases instruction.

In short, you can't lie about kissing, but you can lie about virginity. Which means that milestone exists entirely in your head.

That being said, your ability to get a date has zero to do with your virginity or not, it has to do with your ability to interest someone that will deign to let you buy them things which you'll interpret as somehow bringing value to your life.

So the only thing you can work on is being interesting and seductive, hence the rise of shady PUA courses to somehow fix that, when it requires a lot less than that. To be interesting, be interesting.

If that fails, you'll have to, sadly, fall back on looks and money, which aren't interesting, but is something most women care about. So maximize those. That's not "maturity", that's you choosing to jump through hoops and change your life because you desire to give money to a stranger for their time.

If it's worth it, do it. If it isn't, then don't.

But milestones? They're entirely in your head. I can tomorrow make fake receipts and claim I'm been with 1000 partners. Go out and take some pics of Chads and Stacies and claim I slept with them all. I can take a selfie by a private jet and pretend to be rich and buy a knock off Rolex. I can travel Europe with the help of a green screen and editing.

It's all lies. "Maturity" means nothing. Milestones mean nothing and are entirely whatever you choose to believe. Education and experience can be a thing, about how to not screw up dating a girl or how to roll on a condom, but outside of techniques, milestones are silly little things to allow others to rank and file you away into a little box.

Virgin? Check yes/no. Millionaire? Check yes/no. 6 foot tall? y/n.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-08-22T16:58:42+00:00

If you do these things late, it says something about you. Which may just be that you're shy or sexually conservative, which means you may find less dates in general if you don't change. But missing an average time doesn't mean it won't happen ever. It's rare that you actually try and it doesn't happen eventually. (I had my first kiss a couple of years into adulthood and not for lack of trying so I understand it might not feel that way.)

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-08-22T17:16:26+00:00

Why isn't having children included as one of your developmental stages? Because from an evolutionary psychology standpoint it should be.

gofigure62 · 2022-08-22T17:43:09+00:00

Dating milestones don't mean much if the person also lacks emotional regulation, emotional intelligence, non-violent communication, etc.

Someone can have tons of dating "experience" and still be regularly rejected becaus of their shortcomings.

Serial monogamists come to mind. People with tons of dating experiences, but typically can't maintain a relationship to save their life.

_revelationary · 2022-08-22T19:36:35+00:00

I think context and reason for any “delays” is important.

I’m a woman. The guy I ended up marrying was a virgin when we started dating. I was not a virgin but I was close. We got together when I was 20 and he was 22. I think I would have felt differently about dating a guy who seemed really desperate to have sex or date me. If I wasn’t as physically attracted to him I might have wondered whether he just wasn’t attractive enough to lose his virginity.

But he totally didn’t care about it. He was a D1 athlete in college and went to an elite school, studied abroad for a time and traveled, and his life was just about so much more than chasing pussy. He had hooked up with women but no PIV sex. I think the fact that he didn’t escalate quickly/pressure me and had so many awesome interests and seemed confident in himself outside of the realm of sex was hugely important to our relationship. 12 years later and I still feel like dating him was the best choice I ever made. Sex isn’t an issue — he rocks my world. He may be lower libido than the average man but there’s research to suggest when female partner has higher libido than the male in straight couples relationship satisfaction is better, or something along those lines.

TLDR: don’t be desperate or anxious about it if you’re behind on the stages, because that will make it worse. Focus on making your life about more than the other sex or having sex.

wtknight · 2022-08-22T15:49:40+00:00

If men are willing to not tell the truth about being virgins, I don't think that it's too hard. While there seems to be a gap in young men and young women who have had sex, I think that many of these women who have had it are very low N and will end up with some of these virgin guys once they realize that the highest value men don't want relationships with them and that they have to lower their standards.

Once a man gets older, things get easier for him too, as the age gap of women willing to date him or have sex with him increases.

Women can much more easily "glow up" and change their dating prospects. I don't think that they have much to worry about unless they are unwilling to lower their standards if they can't attract the men for relationships that they want to attract.

huhwhatokok · 2022-08-22T16:53:15+00:00

I don’t think you can really quantify it. As someone whose had their first kiss/sex outside of that age, I can say it’s had a pretty long lasting affect on my confidence. I always assume a woman wouldn’t want me and self sabotage a lot out of fear of rejection.

PMmeareasontolive · 2022-08-22T17:03:59+00:00

I don't think the stages are important themselves. Missing them probably indicates an underlying problem. Like excessive shyness maybe.

I guess it's possible for people (particularly guys?) to feel like they are perpetually trying to catch up on something they feel they missed out on. Even if they experience moderate dating success later on they may feel it's never enough.

PuppyDontCare · 2022-08-22T18:00:23+00:00

It's more about a symptom than a milestone.

If you are incredibly awkward maybe you get a first kiss and sex, but you are probably going to continue struggling because of your personality. It's not like a gate opens and pussy starts flowing.

sarkington · 2022-08-22T16:43:20+00:00

They are not important, because sex is now about what you want, not what you are

Not-barry-63 · 2022-08-22T17:55:26+00:00

I hate to say it, but I think older virgins (men and women) should keep it hush hush.

Optimal_Occasion_386 · 2022-08-22T18:20:44+00:00

It puts you at a disadvantage, but it’s not the end all be all.

Provided you don’t disclose your inexperience, It means your first few interactions will be awkward, and she may lose interest.

But it really doesn’t take too long to learn how to escalate and perform well. Like after 5 women you get the hang of it

szclimber · 2022-08-22T21:09:29+00:00

I would say very important. Individual experiences will have exceptions but in general it is important for learning and developing. The later you experience certain stages the more negatives are possible. Such as not knowing what you want, not knowing how to date/communicate romantically, lack of self confidence, have healthy boundaries, etc. Regrets and resentments may appear as you get older too

GGMcThroway · 2022-08-23T00:09:27+00:00

You'll have a harder time overall if you miss developmental milestones.

There's probably a correlation between age-of-first-kiss and ease of dating, but social aptitude is a much more direct cause.

hearyoume14 · 2022-08-23T08:18:19+00:00

As a woman who is unable to obtain multiple adulthood milestones,much less dating ones,it can be difficult.What is meant by maturity? Is it the cultural idea,which I have a bone to pick with,or a more objective matrix?

I was around academically inclined,sometimes parent required,individuals and/or individuals who were not ready for sex/romance until later. Most didn’t do the traditional four year college route so that didn’t have that either.It seems silly to put so much stock into having so much experience as a teen or early 20 something.

Some of it might be a compatibility issue or other personal issues. I’ve known people who are mature by traditional matrixes but don’t partake in the extended adolescence so they are considered stuffy or boring. Given the increase of dopamine seeking behavior,discontentment with stability and dislike of the mundane things aren’t going to get better. For what it’s worth I’m working the above issues steaming form my ADHD and trauma.

When the college bubble finally bursts I wonder how that will effect things.

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Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-08-22T16:59:58+00:00

Most people are fast learners once given the opportunity.

InfamousBake1859 · 2022-08-22T19:20:57+00:00

Very

domdomdom333 · 2022-08-23T08:24:28+00:00

Very important.

It's exactly like you describe it, stages. A marker of how far you've matured in life.

The issue of most modern men having relationship capacity of a 17y old is because basically all girls from 17-late 20's are taken. There's no way to develop ones ability to manage emotions from different life's dilemmas so they're stunted. When they do get into their first relationship later in life, it'll be much harder because many women are turned off at the idea of having to teach a "child", not my worlds, other women's who I've talked with on this issue.

Title	How important are developmental/maturity stages in dating?
Author	Remarkable_Sort_1706
Upvotes	17
Comments	38
Date	August 22, 2022 3:42 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/wuwzv6/how_important_are_developmentalmaturity_stages_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-important-are-developmentalmaturity-stages-in.1128448 https://theredarchive.com/post/1128448

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