Almost 40, almost D, where to from here.

FunkyTownMascot · 2022-10-31T00:13:31+00:00

I was exactly where you were. Had the D mid 30s and started dating again at 38. Career, fit, mountain biker, small kids, etc. I mainly didn't date because I had primary custody of the kids and just didn't have time to waste on a woman. About 3 years in and custody situation went 50/50 and I started dating. Slept with quite a few casuals and had 2 girlfriends with one becoming a LTR. In hindsight I wish I hadn't entered another LTR and had just kept her casual and stayed on my individual life with her on the side.

My advice is to maintain your independence. Have women,sure. But, don't move in with them and, god forbid, don't ever marry them. Me moving in with my ex was the biggest mistake ever. We'd probably be together still and I'd be a lot richer if I hadn't. Women just have a way of sucking up your time and energy when you move in with them.

So, maintain your independence. Have a girlfriend. But, make sure she has her own place. Don't let her hobosexual her way into your place like I did under any circumstances.

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-10-31T08:54:38+00:00

I was almost exactly in your position dude. I was 38 when I found out my exw was cheating and had two kids under 10. TBH it was probably one of the best and worst things that ever happened to me. Worst for the obvious reasons, the self doubt, pain and uncertainty for the future plus the financial and emotional damage. Best because it forced me to take the next step in my life, one which has led to huge improvements. I was stuck in a job I hated but offered great security so I stayed to enable the kids to always have a stable environment. Once I divorced and had a lot more free time (60/40 split on kids time) I could play a bit with career options. It led me to today, where I've tripled my salary, have bought a nice 5 bed house, new car and gained back everything I lost in the divorce AND THEN SOME.

As sad as divorce is, it's also an opportunity to re-invent yourself, to do the things you've always wanted to and to be a bit more of a risk taker. My wife always wanted to prevent me doing stuff, I had these crazy plans to do adventures abroad, cycling all over the world,and I gave up on them when I got married. I should never have done so. I think many of us men give up our dream in order to keep HER happy and along the way lose part of who we were and what attracted them to us.

My life is now what I always wanted it to be, great job, great friends, quality time with my kids, peace, quiet and the financial independence to indulge in my hobbies and passions. Her life....not so much. I know she now regrets divorce, she's told mutual friends as much, but I'll never go back, and she knows this. She once asked me why I wasn't this successful during our marriage and I was painfully blunt with her...because she was holding me back and filling my life with unnecessary drama and doubt.

Sometimes only at the darkest hour do you find the strength to move forward....best of luck to you brother and keep us up to date with your progress. You can always come back for some motivation and support here.

samk002001 · 2022-10-31T00:28:06+00:00

I just celebrated my 38 last week, and I think we’re in the same boat! As we get older, I realized that time is the most valuable currency in my world. My advice is, depend on what you want in life, use your time wisely on what you care the most. Just make a dating profile online so that you can strike up some conversations with opposite sex. Don’t invest too much on it, though. I’m devoting my time in my son and my well-being, and I wanna have a healthy and great relationship with my son. Good luck

sicrm · 2022-10-31T03:20:21+00:00

focus on your job, outlet, kids, don’t get married again and you’ll be just fine.

Common_Leadership_48 · 2022-10-31T23:27:44+00:00

I don't have to tell you that (for a divorced woman with children) you are a highly sought after commodity; healthy, successful, experienced with kids. There are thousands of attractive, divorced women with children out there. However, like you, they are damaged by cheating, lying exes. I say all this because if you are patient and understanding, you can have your choice of many, many, many willing women. I'm sure there's an appropriate dating site out there, but you won't need one. Your resume will spread quickly.

On the other hand, if you're looking for a single woman with no kids, your odds of finding one who understands your mind are extremely low.

Be very certain that you want to be in a relationship. Being a devoted single parent is challenging on its own. Date all you want; be intimate if you choose, but don't marry again unless you and your children are absolutely certain about it.

IMHO, it's not an age thing on cheaters; it's weakness of character matched to a predatory bastard with no moral compass.

Legitimate-Match2675 · 2022-10-31T11:15:33+00:00

My man, you will probably have more sex in the next year or two than you have in the past 15! Step 1: Get a vasectomy...seriously.

You will have to sign up on those dating apps like everyone else (bumble, match, tinder). I found a regular girlfriend on match who after 2 years, is still pretty amazing. But you'll have no problem. The biggest issue is weeding through the trash, because there is a LOT of it. If you see red flags, just cut bait and move on immediately because there is just so much opportunity.

Like you, I have two kids, but women see that as a man who can provide. If you're in good shape with money, you check all their boxes.

It is way different out there than it was when we had to meet people at a bar. Too much too type so msg me if you want more info, but I am sure these responses will fill in the holes.

Good luck!

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-10-30T23:34:02+00:00

In my opinion the best way is to move forward with your life. You have the career and hobbies now go out and have fun even date why not. Create as much distance as possible with your ex. Once the divorce is done I would eliminate any kind of unnecessary communication. Go on a trip get some fun toys like a boat if you can it will be all yours now anyway. My point is start having fun and yeah get as much female attention as possible

caliguy75 · 2022-10-31T07:38:38+00:00

For one, a guy hits is peak sexual market value in his early 40s if he has a good job and a bright future. A woman is said to peak out in her early 20's. So time is on your side.

How to meet other singles: how about dancing lesions to start. It will get you our of the house and put you in a place where you can mix with women on a casual basis.

How long will it take: depends on your ability to drop negative judgements and move on with your life.

Jiggly_Love · 2022-10-31T13:26:02+00:00

I'm in the same boat as well, minus kids, thankfully. I also mountain bike regularly, enjoy my career, and plan on just easing back into life, but far removed from the dating scene. I have no plans to date or want to get back into a relationship. If I did, it be someone that's centered around my hobby or interests. Just enjoy the independence, foster the bond with your children, and good luck.

Classic_Dill · 2022-10-31T18:31:48+00:00

Women’s empowerment comes at around 50, and not all women deal with it well. Men, learn to work through their fake empowerment, from 18-37. It’s like 2 ships going different directions. You did the right thing! Timeeeeee, it takes gobs of timeeeeeee! I’m still healing ❤️‍🩹 I’m probably only at 55%. Dating apps are cray terrible, use them sparingly and vet the crap out of any women before an actual date, I also had some small sexual issues after, all good now though! You are about to become the best you ever, but please take the time, I can’t believe all I have learned over 3 years, I’m a beast, lol but I still have sad moments now and then.

Nobody-941 · 2022-10-31T00:03:16+00:00

I’m in a very similar situation as you are. I know exactly what you are asking for since I am walking that mile in your shoes. I don’t have an answer for you and most people here are just going to say to get a hobby.

It’s tough sledding out there for guys like us even if we are in good shape with a good career.

I would just say do you and try to put yourself in social situations. Something will come along.

Oh and instead of just mountain biking…go lift heavy weights. Get some muscle. Girls are just as shallow as we are at the first glance.

WartimeDad · 2022-10-31T06:21:23+00:00

Download the dating apps, is that what you’re asking?

Yeah you’re fine with kids. Expect it to suck. Be pleasantly surprised. Don’t rush into a long term thing.

Imaginary-Dark-2739 · 2022-10-31T14:10:31+00:00

A whole lot to unpack & I'm in the same boat. Some of the best advice I found was this:

What do you do now that you'd not want to explain to your 8 year old past self.

I went the therapy route and took the time to get to know myself again so that I could really evaluate what was important to me, what I enjoyed, and what I wanted going forward.

Turns out I wanted/needed some NSA attention so I went out and did what I had to. Now, I'm back in the dating game as a mid-30's out of shape guy with 3 kids but finding better women than I did before my marriage. Who knew, eh?

Enjoy you my dude!

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-31T15:38:07+00:00

> How much time did you take for yourself after the D to heal and get back to 100%.

This is the best advice I've come across about dating post-divorce: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=81647

SecretDoctor8121 · 2022-10-31T15:41:12+00:00

I'm divorced in 2 yrs now after something similar.i have one children from ex who is nearly 4... Mentally? Prob took me a year but not healed 100%...prob never will Physically,?Immediately (Started some material arts training to get the steam out ) Financially ?Never...

folie-a-dont · 2022-10-31T16:07:45+00:00

Same exact situation as you brother. I’m 42yo and found out my ex cheated on me for a year before we divorced. It does a number on your self-esteem. We have 10 & 6yo boys and split 50/50. I waited a year before dating to get my life right and work on myself. That work was important but when I started dating, I realized how amazing feeling desired again was and how much I needed it to truly be able to heal and move on. My best advice is to just be honest with your intentions and don’t fall into an LTR just because it feels good to be desired again. That can mess with your head if you let it. Sign up for a dating app and put some effort into your profile. When the topic of relationships comes up, I always say I am looking for “meaningful connections” but not ready to dive into a LTR. You will be surprised how many women are either cool with that or looking for the same thing. Word to the wise though, stay away from women in their late 30’s who have “want children” on their profile. I don’t care how attractive, fun and chill she seems. She is trying to lock that shit down and guaranteed has a 3 year plan for marriage and a kid no matter what she says at first. Good luck out there.

gsearay · 2022-11-05T03:00:22+00:00

I am baffled, I understand if your wife do not like you, lost love, do not respect etc. But I can’t comprehend how you replace husband and father of your kids to older 2 times divorced guy? Does she have self preservation reflex? This is completely stupid. Besides she is not 20 or 30, her time is going away. It is impossible to start over and over, this is not computer game. I just genuinely do not understand.

allendale100000 · 2022-10-31T13:39:39+00:00

If you’re in shape, you could get laid as much as you want. The problem is, it can start affecting your day to day work life. Not to mention your moral compass. If you just want to have fun and not date serious, be honest. There’s still plenty of women out there.

I hooked up with too many girls. It was almost impossible to not go out and get laid at least once a week if you wanted to. I woke up one day and found myself going out during the week and not being able to get my work done. I’m almost embarrassed now looking back at my behavior. I wish I would’ve reigned it in some.

Don’t discount getting remarried however. I found the right girl and I’ve never been happier in my life being married for 3 years now.

Have fun. It’s Wild West out there for divorced men.

Title	Almost 40, almost D, where to from here.
Author	Apprehensive-Cost496
Upvotes	57
Comments	51
Date	October 30, 2022 10:42 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/yhsh15/almost_40_almost_d_where_to_from_here/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/almost-40-almost-d-where-to-from-here.1137652 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137652

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