His/her past matters, it is perfectly fine to judge someone's past behaviors and family background to know if they are capable of having healthy and monogamous relationships.

No_Rabbit6679 · 2023-02-06T04:52:08+00:00

Most people with common sense know this. People just say the past doesn't matter as an excuse to make themselves feel better.

nothatyoucare · 2023-02-06T07:44:09+00:00

You can tell people who say it doesn't matter all have unresolved issues.

Like yeah, sign me up for this waste of time.

'Body count doesn't matter'. Doesn't it? Why would someone feel the need to body 30 strangers by 25? And they are strangers because nobody has the time to get to know people at that rate.

So that indicates they have poor impulse control and risk taking behaviour. Loose attachment style.

For social approval as a 'man'? So a lack of self identity. Great.

Safinated · 2023-02-06T04:24:21+00:00

Yes, it is not illegal. I see no problem

NationalistGoy · 2023-02-06T09:09:33+00:00

If I was a criminal I would also say the past doesn't matter when someone inquires about my past.

JakeArcher39 · 2023-02-06T08:08:22+00:00

idk... as a millenial that was just as gun ho as everyone else to push thei standards on others like they are the single standard of righteousness in the universe- I see where you'e comming from - however, as an adult... I saw too many people that fit my definition of moral, of good - be utter shitheads. And some of the most hard working and trusting people were people that didn't fit my moral hierarchy.

Now in my early 30s, I am convinced that what a person believes and says - is utterly irrelevant and often in reverse to their caracter and the actions you can expect from them.

People that talk easily about relationships, about commitment, about success - are people that haven't even done a days worth of work towards that. The people that have - on the other hand - are usually silent and understand the weight behind such heavy promises.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-02-06T09:13:26+00:00

Of course it matters, to a degree. The issue is with getting excessively hung up about it, especially with things you likely won’t ever know, and imagining scenarios that upset you with zero basis. “I just know she was more enthusiastic in bed with her ex.” Shit like that is just hurting your own feelings for no good reason.

Ancient history also doesn’t matter nearly as much as recent behavior patterns. Like I don’t want to date someone who just got out of jail, but if you went to jail for something non-violent when you were let’s say 18 and you’re 30 now, I really couldn’t care less. Or I won’t date someone who is actively sleeping around, but I don’t care if they slept around in college as long as that behavior was not continued long-term as a lifestyle. People do change, just usually not overnight.

ProseccoIsLife · 2023-02-06T09:46:34+00:00

Yes and no. Yes, the background can influence a person of they are not consciously working on becoming a better person, attending therapy etc. On the other hand with enough effort many people can and will change. Plus it's not guys who usually attempt to save the woman but the other way around, with women statistically ending up with worse savings, mental health and general outlook.

Perseus_the_Bold · 2023-02-06T07:33:39+00:00

The idea of past performance being a predictor of future behavior does not apply in the concept of a lifetime. It may be useful to predict what someone will do in the next year bur it is a piss poor predictor of what he will be like in 10-20 years.

For example. How many of you can honestly tell me that you are the same right now as when you were 15 in high school? And those of you who are older, how many of you are exactly the same as when you were in your 20's? Not so easy to predict anymore is it?

This is why the better predictor of someone's long term behavior is his core-personality. What are his aversions, his attractions, his tastes, and preferences, these usually do not change over the course of decades.

Mr_Chad_Thunderpenis · 2023-02-06T07:32:13+00:00

I mean if someone has banged let's say 50 people, what are the chances he/she won't bang another one when they are with you for the next 30 or whatever years you'll be together? Slim to none in my opinion.

JoeRMD77 · 2023-02-06T07:38:52+00:00

Imagine you had a perfect past and a perfect family but you were still a virgin? How do you reason that with people who are coming from broken homes that are f****** all over the place? Since you guys want to say having sex is the mark of a man, how do you reason with bums who are getting more p**** than you that come from broken homes then?

Does it really matter if you're getting your dick wet?

PonderingPeaches · 2023-02-06T08:01:07+00:00

OP is replying and then deleting his replies real fast so you get the email but can’t reply. For anyone who’s wondering why he’s not replying lol

funlightmandarin · 2023-02-06T04:56:07+00:00

This you? Linking a comment that summarizes what I mean succinctly.

Novadina · 2023-02-06T04:56:44+00:00

Obviously past can be an indicator of the future. What’s debatable is the conclusion about someone’s past many people here have that if a woman has had some boyfriends before she’s unable to love ever again.

TaxNegative161 · 2023-02-06T07:26:58+00:00

Instead of asking prospective partners to fill out a questionnaire on their past so I can peruse and judge it I prefer to observe their behaviour while I spend time with them. If their past has events in it that will fuck with me or us as a prospective couple, then it will be affecting their current behaviour. If it's not affecting their current behaviour and doesn't harm me in any way, it literally does not matter.

Ohyarlysmiles · 2023-02-06T07:51:41+00:00

It matters, but it shouldn't matter more than (1) how they treat you NOW IN THE PRESENT and (2) how they make you FEEL.

You don't have to save shit. People who try to save people are ultimately trying to change people.

PonderingPeaches · 2023-02-06T07:56:26+00:00

Is this a warning label?

obviousredflag · 2023-02-06T08:47:50+00:00

You cannot "know", but you can look at statistics and come to a conclusion if it's worth the risk.

Gravel_Roads · 2023-02-06T08:49:28+00:00

Eh. I think you just have to use your ascended brain parts and judge people based on what you observe them do.

I had a rough past; I grew up poor, and that means I grew up in a pretty roughneck culture, got in a lot of fights, didn't do well in school, moved around a lot ect. I was unreliable as a teenager, in my 20's I was working full time AND going to college full time, and I learned to take pride in my work ethic.

In my 30's, I have a career and a steady job that I've been in for almost a decade and still enjoy. I get to work on time, keep my apartment clean, take care of my car and even recycle.

Many people are developmentally delayed, but given time they can catch up and shine. Hardships often make people stronger and more capable of dealing with weird situations. My sketchy background makes me much better at empathizing with people who are struggling (which gives me a huge leg up in my job.)

I don't really get along with sheltered people who have no shadows in their past. Usually, those are the people that go to pieces when things go wrong, because they don't know how to deal with challenges, because they've never had any. I had one roommate live a "perfect" life in the suburbs, parents married and stable... and the dude literally cried when the toilet overflowed.

Rather than people with a perfect past, the BEST people are people who are able to learn from the experiences they have.

The people you gotta watch out for are the ones who never learn or change, and just keep doing the same thing over and over without trying new things. That is the way to stagnation and relationship death.

Individual_Fudge6266 · 2023-02-06T10:24:15+00:00

The past does matter. How they are with me and to me matters just as much.

gate18 · 2023-02-06T10:27:13+00:00

it is perfectly fine to judge someone's past behaviors and family background to know if they are capable of having healthy and monogamous relationships.

Of course, it's fine! No one is going to harm you if you judge. But it doesn't prove anything.

Of course, you can not save anyone, even if there aren't they aren't "beyond saving" you can't save them.

If you are into drugs and any other issues you can be saved, but a partner should not be your savior.

But if drugs are your past then they are your past.

Even if someone is perfectly fine, with zero issues, you can not change them.

2023-02-06T10:58:54+00:00

Counterpoint: you can have a shit relationship with your family, and/or sleep with a ton of people, and never do drugs, cheat, or catch STDs. You can still be a good partner even if these things are true. Like me, for example.

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