Women of PPD, could we get honest answers about your dating life when you had (one or more) children?

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2023-02-05T18:39:50+00:00

Not me personally but I do know women who dated as single moms.

For some reason it seems that men are more accepting if the child is a girl. The idea of raising another man's son is where many seem to draw the line for some reason.

Birb-brained · 2023-02-05T17:32:21+00:00

I can’t speak from personal experience as I’ve not dated since my son, but I know a few ladies who started dating again after their relationship with child’s father broke down. They seemed to do ok, generally aimed for other guys with kids from a broken down relationship. So obviously it probably does lower your dating pool a bit, especially if you don’t want any more children, you’ll be looking for men who’ve had their kids too, or don’t want any.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-02-05T18:40:57+00:00

Married at 21, divorced at 25. Stayed single a few years, then met someone with 2 kids. We were together 9 years but broke up because he cheated. Stayed single for a few years till kid graduated high school. Spent a year or so dating around and then met my husband. Finding someone to date was never a problem. Finding someone to date who I wanted to date was a little more difficult but I still managed it.

seeyouonthelanai · 2023-02-05T19:14:16+00:00

My friends in their 40s with grown or older teens seem to struggle with finding men their own age. All are dating guys in their late 20s to mid 30s. Apparently, men in their 40s don't show them any attention on the apps nor do they approach. The fwb's are pretty hot, too. I was shocked.

My friends in their 30s seem to have an almost "normal" dating experience. The biggest issue is scheduling around the kids. Usually, whatever the issue they had with the child's father is what they screen for first, but they are overwhelming doing pretty well.

My step sisters and a friend were single mothers in their twenties. They all remarried or found another LTR within 2 years. Same with my friends in their 40s with young children. They found their new partners within 2 years, but they didn't have trouble finding men in their age group.

I don't know what it is, but a lot the singles (both male and female) I know with older kids (11+ years) seem to struggle finding new LTR's. Having teenage kids seems to be bad for your dating life.

Meihuajiancai · 2023-02-05T17:30:44+00:00

Sure.

Had a child very young and the relationship fell apart. She was five at the time. I kept the flat we lived in, studied at university and had some government assistance.

Her dad had her every six days for two days (so weekends free were few and far between). I went on a couple of tinder dates, had a sort of FWB (long distance) and eventually met a guy at a party.

That went on for three years and didn't work out. My daughter was surprisingly ok with the break up even though he lived with us. She could sense that I was stressed and I was honest with her about things. He was attractive, incredibly fun and ran a business. Unfortunately he had a super addictive personality and was a workaholic and low key alcoholic. We had a lot of arguments and I couldn't cope anymore.

I met my now partner a few months after that break up. I asked him if it could stay casual as I wasn't in the headspace to be a good girlfriend. After six months he confessed his love for me and asked for a serious relationship. We're both happy and now my child is eleven she's semi independent and we have a lot of time to go on dates together. I have a good network of friends who will often have her for a sleepover.

He wants children with me but sadly we can't afford it. We're both in full time white collar jobs but it's not enough for a mortgage and tbh I don't want to raise a child in relative poverty again.

I think being a single mother is dependant on where you live. I was fortunate that I had time to date and didn't expect or need a partner to support me financially. I know every woman on PPD says this but I do consider my current bf high value. He is very facially attractive, sporty, funny and has no mental health issues (occasionally very mild depression but who doesn't).

I think when you have a genuine connection with someone, you dont see things in terms of high and low value. You're just two people that click extremely well and you want to make the most of that.

Sacredtart · 2023-02-05T21:17:27+00:00

I had my first child young, to my first boyfriend. He disappeared when she was a toddler and we haven't seen him since. I was the first in my friendship group to have a child by far. I met my husband through family and friends-we knew "of" each other for ages, bumped into each other in the same large groups etc. We were friendly for a long time before we got together, and he didn't meet my child for a long time after that.

I was open with him- I said I really liked him, but that I had to think of my child, and that I did want a family set up, going forward. I really laid it on the table and I said I wouldn't think badly of him if that wasn't something he wanted.

He went for it, and here we are. We are very happy and I think he is the best man in the world.

I have only been with two men, my ex boyfriend and my husband. My first child was unplanned, but when you have a child it doesn't matter how young you are, the first responsibility is to create a secure life for them. That means no casual boyfriends, no meeting a different man every few months or even years. If something happened to my husband, I would stay single for two reasons: firstly, because there is not a man on this earth who could ever match him, and secondly because I was very lucky once: I would not run the risk of potentially disrupting my children's lives again.

I think a lot of single mothers rush into relationships because they are desperate to "fix" their guilt by trying to create a new family, but there's nothing wrong with being single long term, if it means greater security for your children. Better to just have mom than to have mom distracted by a revolving door of men. Not saying women shouldn't date and have adult time, but keep it to when your children are elsewhere. Yes that might be difficult, but welcome to life as a parent. This idea that you shouldn't have to sacrifice or deny yourself anything just because you are a parent is toxic. Sometimes you have to. I sacrificed so much for my child, and I'd do it all again because the best reward is seeing them thrive.

Another thing was my husband is a little older than me and quite old fashioned/family orientated compared to the sort of guys my friends were bringing home. I loved that about him, but a lot of girls my age at the time wouldn't have appreciated it. So I suppose we were in the right place for each other.

Also as a single mother I didn't sit on my ass. I studied, volunteered and worked. I'm as well educated as I would be even if I hadn't had my child. I doubt my husband would have been attracted to me if I'd spent half a decade doing nothing except taking my kid to school.

So this all probably sounds really harsh, but at the end of the day, if a guy doesn't want to date a single mother then he doesn't want to date a single mother. It's a huge decision, and it has the potential to impact a child's life massively. I would rather a guy said no, rather than he be guilted into dating a mother only to feel resentful and frustrated at the situation- how is that good for a child?

When I was at university, I had men approach me asking for dates etc. I'd be straight up with them, some of them were guys I'd chatted to in class for a while, they'd ask me out and I'd just tell them, I have a child and that's probably not what you're looking for right now. I had so much respect for the ones who were honest and said no. I mean come on, who can blame them? These guys were wanting to travel, go where the work is, have adventures- that ain't happening with me and a four year old in tow.

Sorry, this has ended up long- I haven't really thought of it for years. Tldr: yes you can date as a single mother, but put your cards on the table from the start, put your child first always, don't get ratty if a guy decides the set up isn't for him, and accept that sometimes our circumstances mean we can't and shouldn't have everything we want:that is fine, that is life, it's not a personal affront

*edited to correct sentence wibble

begayallday · 2023-02-05T21:00:30+00:00

I was a single mom for a while. I had two long term relationships after her father and I split up when she was 4. I was never able to pull attractive or high value men in the first place, so nothing really changed there. I would say that the men I had relationships with as a single mother were objectively better people. I am still close friends with both of them. My daughter is an adult now and she still gets along with both of them. She no longer speaks to her father.

I personally didn’t want to date anyone else with kids, just because I know my own limits. That did cut down my dating pool by quite a lot. But it was worth it to me. I also had more than a few men express to me that they were not interested in me due to me having a child as well. One of them gave me totally unsolicited advice that I should go to Parents Without Partners to find a man. 🙄

I never had a particularly difficult time finding men who were childless but okay with me having a kid. The hard part I suppose was finding men who also didn’t want more kids with me, as I was unwilling and more or less unable to have more kids. But I still went on plenty of dates and managed to find some good guys here and there.

ChadChasingB · 2023-02-05T17:26:34+00:00

I have seen pregnant people dating men that aren't the father. I've seen men dating women with newborns and help care for the child. I know there are men that absolutely want nothing to do with those girls, but l have never seen or heard of any single girls that didn't have options because they had children.

crookedsummer2019 · 2023-02-05T18:15:22+00:00

A few of my friends are single moms and don’t seem to be struggling to get dates but they don’t have a lot of flexibility in terms of time. I think that’s the most challenging, but it doesn’t seem to prevent them from meeting guys and two of them got engaged last year, one to a single dad and the other to a slightly younger guy with no kids.

hedgehoglady · 2023-02-05T22:16:14+00:00

Seperated/Divorced for over a year. I have one young child. I am more selective about who I will go on a date with, just because I have limited free time. I also am more aware of safety issues/early red flags. I do not involve my child in my dating life at all right now, but if I am going to meet someone I'm still brining someone in to the periphery of her life, if that makes sense.

On paper (or the apps) I am probably a more attractive prospect in some ways than I was in my mid-20s. I have lost weight and have healthier habits, I am in an advanced degree program and I have hobbies, friends, family.

I'm sure some men didn't swipe on my profile or ask me out because I am a mom. But also there were plenty of guys who were attractive to me, seemed put-together and interesting. I went on dates, and got to know some folks. I'm quite happy with my current relationship status. It doesn't feel like I've settled at all in terms of either prospects or looks/chemistry. I am not looking for someone to support me financially, and my child has a dad who is in her life. I just want someone who is goal oriented and would be a good role model for her.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2023-02-05T19:25:45+00:00

I honestly have not dated much since becoming a single parent but I gave up about 2 years ago. They type of guys I like didn’t really change. I dated 2 single dads, which I didn’t bother with before. I can’t say they understand being a single parent the same way I do because their children’s mothers are heavily involved, one still lived together with his bm.

The biggest change is in the men who like me. Men will now approach me under the assumption that I am dumb, desperate, and easy, to which I can clearly see through. Some childless guys will try using my child as a pawn to get me to like them. Promises of buying my child ice cream isn’t going to win me over. Some men who approach me clearly don’t have their shit together and think I’ll accept it because they think because I’m a single mom I don’t have my shit together either. It’s all very odd. Men see you as a stereotype and try and treat you as such.

INFPneedshelp · 2023-02-05T18:23:45+00:00

I do not have a child, but my best friend, who is 43, super interesting and smart, with a 10 year old child, found an extremely sweet and cool divorced guy who doesn't want kids of his own but loves her son (they do not live together and she says it keeps it exciting). She is in a big city and we both had dating ups and downs, but she did NOT settle. This guy is great.

Over_Noise3530 · 2023-02-05T21:35:23+00:00

I couldn't get commitment from a hot guy then, and I still can't get it. But like others have said, I get approached by creepy misfit guys and single fathers expecting to be a shoo-in because I should be grateful for any man I could get

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SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-02-07T09:24:50+00:00

I found myself early 30s single with 2 children.

I thought no one would want me, old baggage etc.

I was so wrong, I had so many offers. Had 2 short relationships that I ended before they met my children. As it just wasn’t right. Then met my husband

Noisexfloor · 2023-02-07T10:16:02+00:00

Being a good mother is a huge turn on for a lot of men. Not sexually of course, but emotionally.

pe60challenge · 2023-02-05T17:39:23+00:00

I’m guy, but I can tell you I pay probably dating app so I can filter out people with kids.

No ways I’d ever date a women with kids seriously.

I’m 36

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