looking to date again; how to express my no sex (ever) boundary to prospective dates before meeting?

JustaTcup · 2023-02-18T09:42:48+00:00

This is very unhealthy and completely unrealistic. I don't think you can even see how unrealistic it is right now because you're just not well yet. Keep up with therapy and hopefully eventually you'll be in the right state of mind to pursue a relationship with someone.

ReactionFickle657 · 2023-02-18T08:53:03+00:00

What you’re looking for is unrealistic. It’s possible but your chances are so slim to have a partner that will accept that particular rule.

I suggest you find friends instead of a partner to work on becoming better and heal before getting into a relationship.

AgreeableAd7689 · 2023-02-18T09:19:35+00:00

Men usually want a partner they can sleep with… If someone does accept your terms just know they’ll want to step out of the relationship for sex. Also do you plan on having children? Sex needs to happen for that. Unless you’re dating a 50+ year old man who already has children and doesn’t have much of a libido anymore…your goals are very unrealistic.

Maybe you can come across a man that is asexual?

jtriangle · 2023-02-18T08:58:59+00:00

You don't need to date, you need therapy. It's ok to be broken, it's not ok to do what you're doing and make brokenness an identity.

David949 · 2023-02-18T14:07:56+00:00

This is not what you want to hear and i am so sorry for your situation. For men dating = sex. No sex = no relationship. It’s not that we put so much importance on it but we already have enough buddies. Without sex most men cannot pair bond. Sorry not what you wanted to hear

armywife81 · 2023-02-18T14:12:07+00:00

While I commend your honesty, and I am so very, very sorry for the abuse you endured….I think your hope of finding a man (provided he isn’t asexual) who is perfectly fine never having sex for the rest of his life is VERY unrealistic. For many, in fact I’d argue most men, sexual intimacy is necessary in a marriage. It’s not just a matter of “getting off;” it’s that closeness and intimate connection with the person they love the most. I mean, I’m a woman and I wouldn’t be okay with being in a sexless marriage.

You said you’ve ruled out the possibility of you being asexual, and you were sexually aroused when you were with a past boyfriend. I think it would be worth it to find a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma, who can help you work through some of the issues you’ve experienced regarding sex. Because if you truly do want to get married one day, and you’re insistent that you don’t want sex to be a part of marriage, I really think your only hope would be to say you’re specifically looking for an asexual man. And I have to be honest; that’s going to massively shrink the dating pool.

You are still very young, and I really think you could benefit from a therapist who can get to the bottom of your issues re: sex. Not just for the sake of a potential husband, but so that you’re able to overcome the abuse you faced when you were younger, and you can once again experience arousal and sexual intimacy with a man you love.

Wishing you all the best.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-02-18T11:39:23+00:00

Well, for starters, I commend you for your honesty. Trapping someone into a dead bedroom situation is cruel. That said, your literal only hope here is to find someone entirely asexual, with no interest in sex either. Sex isn't just an itch men want to scratch. It's a way to feel close and connected to your partner, a way to feel loved. You might not be wrong for not wanting sex, but men aren't wrong for wanting it, either... and 99% of them will.

stickchick77 · 2023-02-18T12:05:42+00:00

Wife here - I was sexually assaulted on 2 occasions when I was in my late teens. It messed with my mind and proceeded to make reckless decisions for years. For a long time I thought men only wanted sex and they had no capability to love women.

Since being married now for 12 years, I’ve realised that men (like my husband) can love women so much it even hurts. I’ve also learnt that even the most decent of men out there show their love by intimacy and sex. Of course that must come paired with a loving and trusting relationship.

I’m not sure if you’ll be able to find a man who will love you and not want to have sex with you. Try therapy to fix your perspective on sex and also have a look at r/deadbedroom It’s pretty heartbreaking to see spouses who have stopped having sex and how it affects them mentally.

Or… you should just find a best friend!

Boolzay · 2023-02-18T15:44:36+00:00

Your chances are...not good. Not good at all if we're being honest. The realistic thing to do when swearing off sex would be swearing off men too.

Deez_Knights · 2023-02-18T15:18:33+00:00

You either don't get into relationships or you find someone who's asexual. Stop making weird rules for how life has to be

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2023-02-18T13:18:34+00:00

Although you don’t identify as asexual, it may be a useful filter when you are looking for potential dates. Asexual, hetero-romantic men exist, and asexual spaces will be much more understanding of your “no sex rule” - it will just be an expectation in most asexual relationships.

Dating someone who doesn’t identify as asexual is going to be a massive challenge, unless you are ok with a semi-open relationship where they can meet their sexual needs elsewhere. Otherwise, you may accidentally end up attracting sexual men who want a sexual relationship, and who believe they can “fix” you and will pressure you to change your whole life.

Celibacy can be a good path for some. However, if you ever think your view on sex could change or evolve, I would avoid seriously dating (dating for marriage) until you have had a few years to see if you truly cannot ever see yourself in a sexual relationship. If you get seriously involved with someone asexual, and eventually work out in therapy that you would like to have sex with the right person… you will be out of luck. On the other hand, if you date someone who does have sexual desire hoping that you will eventually redevelop sexual attraction and it doesn’t happen… you will be depriving them of a key factor in most relationships.

Keep up with the therapy, research asexuality and see if some definition on the asexual spectrum would fit your needs, and casually date a few asexual people to see if you find the total lack of interest in sex to be what you really want. Stick with your celibate/asexual identity for a couple years of therapy and see if it is really what you want and need in the long term, and then decide how to proceed from there!

Here are some asexuality dating resources, in case you are interested…

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/asexual-dating

https://www.healthline.com/health/demisexual#definition

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a38149032/dating-asexual-person/

https://www.refinery29.com/amp/en-us/asexual-dating-relationships-with-sexuals

https://www.womanlog.com/sex/asexuality-how-to-navigate-dating-and-relationships

Equivalent-Poem-3461 · 2023-02-19T02:13:15+00:00

Hey, I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

It may not be your fault that you went through what you did. However, it's your responsibility towards yourself to ensure you heal so keep up the therapy. However, if your therapist really thinks it's ok for you to have an asexual relationship, I'm not sure they're the right person to speak to. I wonder if she's a blue pill feminist or otherwise.

Sex is healthy and extremely important for a healthy relationship. Lack of sex is actually a big indicator of a dying relationship in most cases. Looking for a man to accept a sexless monogamous marriage is impossible unless they too have some sort of issue. Even if you find that, it's not going to be healthy.

Furthermore, sex is super important especially for men. A man with a low sex drive is an unhealthy man. We think about sex all the time. It's what drives us to even commit to a relationship. Yes, we want other things from relationships but sex is the biggest driver for us.

You may be lucky enough to find a man to be patient with you while you heal. However, getting that man to commit to a sexless ltr is impossible and even if they commit, it's not good.

Continue working on healing and if you find someone you like, let them know you're not ready. I would also advice you to avoid having sex until after marriage. This ensures you only have sex with a serious man and so you can then weed out men who want you just for the sex and won't commit.

There's a lot more to say. Dm me if you want to discuss any points in more depth

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-02-18T16:17:19+00:00

Read this RPW post on the meaning of sex to men if you haven't already. Taking sex off the table for a man is like a man taking verbal communication off the table for a woman. It won't be tolerated or even understood by most.

Looking past the physical act of sex, most people will look at this and see an extreme unwillingness to understand or meet their partners needs. It also shows you are willing to punish the person you're supposed to love the most in the world for your mistakes and the mistakes of another man. This intentional infliction of suffering upon the innocent will not be viewed well.

That being said, I do agree with other commenters that it might be worth identifying as asexual and seeking out others who identify as so. Hopefully, you'll like your options and your decision will be accepted there.

AquariusBear · 2023-02-18T17:34:56+00:00

You have to be honest with each man you date about where you are at. There’s no “right way” to tell the truth. There’s only one way- and it’s scary because lots of men might reject you. I also imagine some men might pretend to be ok with it and then try to coerce you, and see you as a challenge.

But there’s plenty of men who are also asexual. It’s not super common, but I believe you can find your perfect match. You cannot go through life without healing from your past, otherwise you will bleed on everyone you meet.

Please prioritize your healing before you get serious with someone.

I study psychology and trauma therapy has really improved in the last 20 years. EMDR is a very effective treatment -around 80% success rates for ptsd- and I believe can be done over zoom.

Scabondari · 2023-02-18T18:05:25+00:00

Just be upfront that you're looking for friendship since if there's no sex involved that's how the man will see it

The only other way I could see this working would be if you were okay with your partner having sexual relationships outside of your relationship

Agree with most of the comments here about sticking to therapy and or switching therapists

Aromatic_Ad5473 · 2023-02-19T13:07:11+00:00

Use asexual dating sites so you don’t have to explain yourself. Match.com allows you to add filters. Asexualitic.com, asexuals.net, and asexualcupid.com are highly rated

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-02-19T16:05:48+00:00

So you need to be up front from the very start. Like put it in your bio on any aps that you are permanently celibate. Because no guy looks at an attractive woman and thinks, "WOW, I bet she'd be a great FRIEND!"

You might try looking on dating sites/forums for asexuals (are there such a thing? Sites I mean.)

Sunshine12e · 2023-02-19T18:55:14+00:00

Well. Perhaps try finding a man who cannot have sex. There are men out there, who for whatever reason, are not sexual. The majority of men, are not going to want to enter a relationship that does not involve sex.

Twilight_Rose99 · 2023-02-20T00:37:51+00:00

Okay so I’m going to be real with you, you seem confused. Perhaps I’m confused. You say you enjoy sex and that you’re not asexual, but you never want to have sex again. Huh? I mean like that’s your business, but it is incredibly unfair to seek a monogamous relationship with someone who is not asexual. My advice would be to continue doing therapy and healing, further understand your own sexuality and maybe start seeking a partner after you have a better understanding. If you’re still completely against having sex then try to meet someone in asexual or celibate forums and groups. Or open up your relationship agreements to be open or poly.

I know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who has limited sexual interest. It can feel very unsatisfying and hurtful. Don’t put someone through that if you can help it.

mistressusa · 2023-02-18T15:48:15+00:00

TBH, OP, you really have nothing to offer that a man couldn't find in a friend or buy in the market and they wouldn't have to deal with your cons, which are substantial.

Unless, are you wealthy? That'd be the only reason a man would even consider your no-sex-ever and no side piece either requirements.

Charming-Ad-9845 · 2023-02-18T11:03:22+00:00

Honey you sure your not asexual. It's ok if you are, there are positives sides to it such as your chances of getting std (sexually transmitted disease's) and unwanted pregnancy will be rare. So don't worry too much and I'm pretty sure there are asexual men out there or men who have very low sex drives who would be happy to be with you. Or it's some sort of trauma related to your past abuse then it's really good that your going to therapy and If you do find a partner I suggest you confront to him about your past and your trauma. I'm sure plenty of men are out there who would understand and will help you heal.

GmanRaz · 2023-02-18T19:07:02+00:00

Hate to break it to you, but if you don't ever want to have sex again that is fine, but you are effectively removing 99.9% of all men from your dating pool. Only a an Asexual man (insanely rare) or a dude that lost his dick and balls in an accident are your options.

Sex isnt just important to men, its necessary for 99.9% of functional relationships between men and women. It is what it is. Id highly recommend figuring out if you can heal and like sex again through therapy and self improvement. If not, then I suggest joining a convent and being a nun. No sarcasm or ill will here. Just being realistic. You can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

BoydJones · 2023-02-18T13:31:24+00:00

Let your future partner experience sex with others.

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DragonfruitSpare9324 · 2023-02-18T16:21:23+00:00

I think your only luck being in a relationship with a man with no sex is maybe going on an asexual dating site and meeting someone with no sexual desire which is very rare. Men want sex as much as they can have it, so this is completely unrealistic. I feel like you are super young so maybe with lots of work on yourself and healing you will want a sexual relationship with someone you love in the future. Good luck.

heythereitsemily · 2023-02-18T17:04:52+00:00

While I think it would be very difficult to find, there are asexual men out there who would be ok with it. Maybe put that in your profile if you’re looking online or say it early on in conversations.

Ktakesthecake · 2023-02-19T05:24:18+00:00

I don't think there is anything wrong with this. Your boundaries, values and self respect matter. But I highly suggest you look into dating apps for people who are also asexual. I wouldn't assume that just anyone would be comfortable with no sex, as most people want and do need that. It's okay if you don't, but you should focus on solely dating people who already feel the same. I don't think you can expect to date regularly, and just anyone, with this boundary.

oofieoofty · 2023-02-19T11:48:50+00:00

State that you are asexual on any sort of bio in dating apps, tell potential partners you are asexual

Agreeable_Deer7260 · 2023-02-20T14:19:02+00:00

No man will accept a relationship without sex. Full stop.

Larry-Man · 2023-02-20T19:15:07+00:00

Asexual men exist. Not sure if you’re gonna find one that fits your bill though.

newlychubby · 2023-02-18T21:59:21+00:00

You are not being unrealistic. Setting boundaries is okay, and I’m glad that you’ve made a decision that makes you feel safe. Congratulations, and good luck.

AutoModerator · 2023-02-18T08:23:27+00:00

Title: looking to date again; how to express my no sex (ever) boundary to prospective dates before meeting?

Full text: hi ladies,

created a throwaway account as i did not want to use my real one because i don’t want anyone to find me but…..

i’m (21F) and to make a long story very short, i’ve had a hard life filled with lots of abuse, in different forms.

and one of the consequences of said abuse has led me to lose all interest in sex. i do not plan on having sex ever again in my life and it’s a decision i have found a lot of peace with and one that makes me feel happy and less pressured. i feel men put too much importance on sex and it makes me feel very sad and distrustful the lengths they are willing to go to receive said sex because my trust was abused and i never want to go through what i experienced again. i’m heterosexual, i’ve ruled out the possibility of being asexual but it’s very easy for me to suppress sexual arousal and i did enjoy sex and pleasing my ex-boyfriend in the past.

i’m in therapy and receiving help to heal and live life without fear but i know deep within me, i don’t want to have sex again. i’ve expressed this to my therapist and she told me it’s okay to make that decision and it was very reassuring.

now the problem comes; how do i inform my future partner about my no sex rule? i don’t want someone who will try to change my mind and not respect my boundary, i’m currently looking to date and want someone to fully accept me. my pro’s are: i’m a very feminine women and want a traditional relationship because i believe in those values. i cook, i clean, i take care of myself: i have good hygiene, soft skin and i have a nice body. i’m nurturing, caring and affectionate and i would like to believe i am a good girlfriend and could be a great wife but my cons are: i fawn too much or trust the wrong people and struggle with anxiety and depression. sometimes i feel broken to a degree but im working on that with my therapist!

the romantic in me believes i will be able to find a man that accepts me and will be okay with no sex, not even in a committed LTR or marriage (i know it’s a bit extreme but i really cannot, and the thought makes me anxious)

how do i go about expressing this to potential dates? i would rather weed out the ones who cannot accept this earlier and to add, i won’t be disappointed if a man doesn’t want me because of this, it’s fair especially if sex matters to him so rejection might suck but i will be okay haha

TIA for any advice 🥰

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Title	looking to date again; how to express my no sex (ever) boundary to prospective dates before meeting?
Author	velveteen08
Upvotes	1
Comments	114
Date	February 18, 2023 8:23 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/115akf1/looking_to_date_again_how_to_express_my_no_sex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/looking-to-date-again-how-to-express-my-no-sex.1152229 https://theredarchive.com/post/1152229

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