Why did you get divorced?

bluestjuice · 2023-03-02T15:54:55+00:00

I married my high school sweetheart directly out of college (at 20) despite a pile of red flags that should have caused me to call it off, including him breaking off the engagement and running off to another state to try to get back together with an ex three months before our wedding, then coming back and begging me to take him back. Loads of sunk-cost fallacy and general doormatting on my side, compounded by religious convictions and a sense of embarrassment and desire not to ‘let my family down’ by backing out of a commitment. And of course I had intense feelings for the guy.

Unsurprisingly our marriage was short-lived and wildly unsuccessful on all counts, including never being officially consummated with penetrative sex. We briefly attempted marriage counseling which was especially useless as we were too embarrassed to be honest about the more sensitive problems. I initiated the divorce after he had spent the summer away working a 10-day-on-2-days-off job at a camp and I recognized that I was vastly happier when he was not around.

The divorce itself sucked but mostly because it involved coming to terms with my philosophical incompatibility with the church of my upbringing and the accompanying social fallout. Practically it was simple because we had no children and kept our own assets. The following year was really rough financially because I was making a shit wage and living solo, but I learned a lot about myself as an independent adult that I should have learned before getting married in the first place.

mean_bean_machine · 2023-03-02T16:03:34+00:00

I got a vasectomy years before we started dating and was up front about no kids. She knew I was snipped and said she would be fine living the DINK life and traveling. 3 years in and she was shopping around her exes for a 'sperm donor'.

I was willing to work with her on her hoarding/shopaholic issues and we were in single/couple therapy to work on that. But when the trust was gone so was I.

detachandreflect · 2023-03-02T14:58:20+00:00

She had BPD and after 6 years I couldn't do it anymore.

AbeBaconKingFroman · 2023-03-02T18:54:03+00:00

We dated in high school, but we were young and stupid assholes and had a fiery breakup after just shy of a year. Six years later we happened to bump into each other and decided to try again.

We both agreed we wanted a more traditional split to things, as we were eyeballing her being a SAHM if we had kids, or maybe just in general. The only reason she never did is we never managed to get her five figures in credit card debt down to manageable levels. Once she moved in I paid for all the joint bills and started giving her a few hundred per month to help pay her debt off. In return, she was supposed to take care of most of the domestic work. She never really did, and that caused a lot of friction between us. On top of that, she's not very smart, and you'll see why in a bit. I didn't need or want her to have an advanced degree like I did, but I always felt like she could have used her brain and had a little more sense than she did. I'm finding out that over the years, resentment at both of these things started slipping out.

The ultimate downfall, from what I've pieced together, was when we started trying for kids. When we got together I didn't think I wanted any, but she really did, though she insisted she'd be happy as long as she just had me. I didn't believe it, but after I turned 30 (almost to the day) I changed my mind. It got put off for a few years because I didn't think it was healthy to be 300lbs and pregnant, and I needed to lose weight, too, so I wanted us to do it together. We never made any permanent progress and after her gyno screaming about geriatric pregnancies and we needed to do it now, I relented and we started trying.

We had been dabbling in fooling around with other couples from time to time, and we had found another couple that we really clicked with. We were still seeing them while trying for kids, which we sat down and talked about and knew was dumb, but thought we could both be smart about it. In July of 2021 she had a very emotional miscarriage; she found out she was pregnant one morning and by 10p that night we were in the ER because she was bleeding. I don't think she ever recovered from it, despite trying to get her help.

I just found all of this out recently, but while they were out last February they decided to go without any protection because "I didn't think I could get pregnant that week" (see what I mean about the sense??). Unbeknownst to me, she got pregnant from that, found out in March. Sometime around May she told me, out of the blue, that she wasn't happy and she had to leave. She was out at the end of June, completely opposed to reconciling or even getting counseling together because she "didn't want us to end up hating each other." Huh??

She was delaying the divorce paperwork for months, even after changing her mind and insisting we needed lawyers (I was sure she was going to seek alimony and equity in the house despite her promises she only wanted the few thousand we had always agreed to long before we split). I found out in late December that she'd been pregnant, carried to term, and had the other guy's daughter in November. All without me having any idea any of that was going on.

She claims she wasn't happy before getting pregnant and was going to leave anyway, but I don't buy it. She's been completely unable to verbalize any time she told me she was unhappy except for a single night where she insists she told me "I'm not happy" and nothing about why, and on top of it when I recently saw her to notarize her daughter's paternity paperwork (removing me from legal responsibility and adding him), she said that maybe in a few years we can get back together, so I can't be all that bad.

I think she did one of her trademark stupid things and it spiraled out of control. I know how badly she wanted to be a mother, and I insist that we weren't really being intimate and trying around the time she got pregnant so it wasn't even a close call, but I think she found out she was pregnant and either knew it was his or was seriously concerned (she got a test in May that confirmed it was his, and I think that might be around when she told me she had to leave) it might be, and was worried I would make her get an abortion, so she left, choosing to have her daughter and give up the life she had with me.

We had sat down and discussed that very thing. The older I get, the more pro-life I get. We talked about the very scenario where because we were being stupid, that might happen, and though it was far from ideal I didn't think we should abort because it was entirely our fault. I've seen her daughter. She's precious. I know she's not mine, but my husband hormones see a little girl my wife gave birth to and it melts my heart.

Now she's on government assistance, living in a tiny bedroom with her daughter and her dog, caught in the middle of another couple and serving as a constant reminder to his girlfriend as to how he fucked up, too.

She made too many selfish, hurtful decisions for me to ever forgive her and take her back, even though my dating life has been non-existent since. If she'd put in just a little more effort, if she'd used her head just one time, this didn't have to happen. I wasn't perfect but I was a wonderful, supportive husband, and I gave her a good and pampered life. I just wanted her to prioritize me the way I did her, and she couldn't.

EDIT: I'm sorry if this ends up rambling, I got caught up in a wave of emotions while I was writing it. Wound is still a little raw sometimes.

northernlights190 · 2023-03-02T15:05:32+00:00

We were married too young and much too quickly, and largely because we didn’t take marriage seriously. We needed it for a practical benefit (for him) so we just signed the papers. We were thick in the honeymoon stage of being madly in love and it was just “oh, we need to be married for you to have this? Okay let’s just get married then.” We’d known each other four months.

We really weren’t compatible. If we’d dated longer before marrying that would have become evident. I was his first partner and he was my second, and neither of us knew how to deal with conflict. We also didn’t understand ourselves well enough to deal with our own issues maturely. The relationship became extremely unhealthy and then very toxic.

After a few years it was totally over. He did some things to me near the end that were incredibly cruel and then things got honestly insane. It was simply not salvageable, it was a living hell for both of us and I’m glad it ended. It sucked at the time but should just never have happened.

Luckily the divorce was really quick, cheap and easy, and we let enough time pass (a few years) between breaking up and actually filing the divorce that it was pretty friendly.

I learned a lot from that experience that helped me later.

jojomcflowjo · 2023-03-02T15:48:49+00:00

Married too young and too soon after dating. In retrospect, should have lived together for a year or so first.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-03-02T15:08:49+00:00

My first husband had a mental breakdown, was diagnosed bipolar, and started self medicating. I was 25 with a toddler - I could no longer trust him with our kid, and I couldn't take care of them both.

slazengerx · 2023-03-02T18:39:03+00:00

We were together for ten years, three prior to seven years of marriage. It was a great relationship that just lost steam over time. We didn't have kids and we both had other options. We didn't let things fester so we had a very amicable divorce and are still very close. We're among each other's closest friends. I have no regrets. But the bar is set quite high for a second marriage so I think it's pretty unlikely.

abaxeron · 2023-03-02T15:37:30+00:00

I issued one ultimatum back after several years of dealing with hers.

wtknight · 2023-03-02T18:20:11+00:00

She divorced me because I wasn’t ambitious enough. I guess that she thought that I was good looking enough and fun to be around, but when things got serious after marriage I wasn’t helping to fund the upper middle class lifestyle that she wanted.

It probably wasn’t savable. I’m married to a woman now who doesn’t expect as much out of me.

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Bikerbats · 2023-03-02T21:49:22+00:00

She was a jealous maniac who thought I was going to spin from the man I was, into the man she thought I should be. Her idea of togetherness meant me and her against the world, as naturally (ha) I was going to forsake every other relationship in my life to be hers and hers alone. Wasn't happening so I left in search of greener pastures.

lankypasta · 2023-03-03T06:50:47+00:00

Divorced because I (man) was too young when I got married, and relatively sexually inexperienced, with only 2 other partners. We had a great marriage for 16 years and two kids, but then three things happened: I became financially successful, I had a spiritual awakening, and my dad died unexpectedly.

This combo had a weird effect on me. I started questioning the way I had designed my life because I was feeling really off, despite material success. On top of that, my libido went through the roof (possibly related to processing grief?) and I badly wanted to experience sex with other women. It was an almost uncontrollable urge. We spoke about it for a year and I ultimately told her I had to try. She OK’d it, but then wanted me to immediately stop after I had tried a couple of times. I didn’t want to stop—I enjoyed it too much and so she asked to divorce.

Since that time, I’ve learned that I vastly prefer non-monogamous relationships or just being single. Now I am able and allowed to date and have feelings and sex with pretty much whoever I want.

We co-parent our two kids and we both are pretty happy. We still act like family, we just don’t live together.

despisedlove2 · 2023-03-04T01:38:52+00:00

My utility to her had ended.

No, it wasn't redeemable.

neetykeeno · 2023-03-04T11:37:20+00:00

I, in hindsight, don't think he ever intended to take on the responsibilities of marriage. None of them. Not a one. He just wanted me to and knew I would take them seriously. Unsurprisingly it was a mess. I've described the mess here on occasion but well really, you can imagine. That was never going to work in a country with no fault divorce and even in a country with fault based divorce it's still only going to work with a spouse who lacks the grit for a divorce based on infidelity.

Nothing I could do would save it. The decision just to up and leave came when I realised the marriage was not making either of us happier and never would and it would be reprehensible to bring kids into it. He still had hope I would adapt to having a husband who was deeply irresponsible and recover from the sadness of that and just take up my burdens alone, so of course he was very upset when I called an end to the endless crises over infidelity, overspending, being justifiably fired from jobs, irresponsible behaviour around the home, lack of effort in general and I left.

Away_Entrance1185 · 2023-03-03T00:48:21+00:00

I'm planning on divorcing my wife once she's financially independent (she's a computer scientist but currently studying more), I want to divorce her because she did not bear me a daughter and refused to abort our latest son when I demanded this of her during the pregnancy. I told her that I only wanted daughters but she only bore me sons. I now have a girlfriend who is unaware of my marriage or children, I plan on having a daughter with her, as she lives in a country with no treaties with mine in case of child kidnapping I am planning on getting her pregnant until she bears me one daughter, let her raise her as an infant until she no longer breastfeeds, and then take the daughter to my country and leave her with any sons in her own poor country. This way I can raise a child to have the life I always desired to have.

Title	Why did you get divorced?
Author	logically_chaotic_x
Upvotes	6
Comments	43
Date	March 2, 2023 2:45 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/11g4iai/why_did_you_get_divorced/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-did-you-get-divorced.1154753 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154753

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