What would you do?

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2023-08-09T00:57:06+00:00

Teenagers can be fickle, and it is a very difficult time for her. Be the bigger man and give her grace. Stay on your side of the fence.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2023-08-09T10:55:27+00:00

Is your mission to get warm fuzzies like a “mawmmy”? Or is your mission to apply fatherly tools and wisdom to raise them to be capable, competent adults?

Your thanks and satisfaction comes when they run their own shop without help. When they execute the lessons you taught them.

Want affection? Buy a dog. Especially in the teenage years.

Feel depressed about the situation (as most of us would)? Ask the Iron god for his opinion. What did he say?Your therapist’s advice is equally good. A good therapist will send you to the Iron god (no matter how you run from him).

While your kids are gone, what are YOU doing to improve your position? Becaus whining for text messages ain’t the way. Trust me.

Your mission is where your mind should be. Refocus and continue mission.

captainchippsixx · 2023-08-09T02:16:54+00:00

Well. I certainly wouldn’t be opening a checkbook for college for her. It’s a bit of a stab in the back.

polarshred · 2023-08-09T06:56:44+00:00

Expecting something from your child in return for raising them is like some wack ancient Chinese Confucionist bullshit. Let that thought go. You raised the girl for her benefit not for yours.

ciscokid12345 · 2023-08-09T04:46:04+00:00

i put 3 girls through college from my 17 year marriage and haven’t heard from them in the four years since mom met mr wonderful.

step kids are a zero sum game.

TheBoyBand · 2023-08-09T02:59:12+00:00

Doing my best to be gentle cause this has got to suck! But THIS IS the post for I will never ever raise another man’s child/children!

Edit: Or date single mothers NOPE

Edit 2: If you did do a good job, which sounds like you did your best, one day you will get the response that you want and the time, teenagers are selfish by nature, as someone said fickle, that daughter will have her own kids one day, mature, she will remember who was there.

Edit 3: I hope you weren’t first AP, cause STBXW sounds like a monkey brancher and a prize!

Goclem2000 · 2023-08-09T03:53:04+00:00

Sucks man. I hate to hear this for you. Pray for the sweet kid, that her MIND would be protected from the bat shit crazy women that she calls mom. The mother is definitely filling her mind with propaganda. I too was in a similar situation. The kid was 3 when I met her and I was divorced from her mom by the time she was 13. After her mother left, every interaction was facilitated by her mom and for the purposes of facilitating a transition for my SD. The ease of texting today sucks for situations like this. Doing it is higher risk than it first seems. It is too easy to do and justify especially when you weigh the subsequent (almost inevitable) heartbreak. Do yourself a favor and DON’T DO IT. The motivation that I dug deep for was to remind myself that I had more control over my emotions than my wife (at the time) had. That was all the motivation I needed when I felt at risk of reacting to my emotions in a way that was self sabotaging

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-08-09T09:40:49+00:00

Reason number #12758 why you don’t date and marry single mothers.

bigedcactushead · 2023-08-09T09:37:04+00:00

You might consider messaging her on birthdays and holidays so that she understands the door is open to a better relationship. Don't burn the bridge. As time passes she may grow to appreciate you and reciprocate.

Amarie1978 · 2023-08-10T03:50:23+00:00

Do the right thing. You are the adult. Divorce is hard on kids and knowing you are here step father will make it even harder. Her mom is not likely to support the relationship either. She must be dealing with pain too and less equipped to handle it. Send cards and small gifts birthdays and Xmas. It will mean something even if you get no response

Ok_Transition_4914 · 2023-08-13T17:00:57+00:00

This actually sounds a bit like my ex wife talking about my daughter who still lives with her. Ex wants communication, support, whatever. She acts like our daughter owes her attention and time.

My daughter (or in your case step daughter) is a teenager and trying to become a stable adult. She's learning her life, her independence. She is your responsibility, you are not hers.

Be there when she needs you, be there when she wants to be with you, but otherwise let her live her life. Take care of her as best as you can. Help her when she needs it. Be proud of the young woman you've raised, hope that she learns from her mistakes in life, and most importantly get it out of your head that she owes you anything.

She doesn't owe you anything. Nothing. Not a single damn thing. Ever. Do not make the relationship about you.

ZTwilight · 2023-08-09T12:21:39+00:00

Oh man, don’t dump your issues on a kid. She’s dealing with her own issues. She’s not supposed to be your support system. Your text was nice and appropriate. You’re reaction to her not responding is where you need to check yourself. Keep in regular contact even if you don’t hear back from her. One way I stay in daily contact with my adult daughter, without being annoying, is we share our Wordle score every day. Sometimes it leads to a conversation, sometimes it doesn’t. But it’s a quick way to let her know I’m thinking about her.

Cowfootstew · 2023-08-09T10:13:03+00:00

Charge it to the game. Leave them alone and move on.

silmarp · 2023-08-09T14:11:19+00:00

Look. I might be wrong here but thing is. Perspectives are different for kids.
You might have thought of her as a supportive father figure

She might have thought of you as 'that dude who banged my mother'.

Also she might be thinking you communicating with her as a way to try and gain favors from her mother.

So don't be too hopeful. There is no prize.

EyesOpened50 · 2023-08-09T14:36:39+00:00

I've known both men and women in this situation and unfortunately your experience seems to be normal, which is cruel after investing so much!! It is what it is, keep communication open but stand back (easier said than done sometimes) and see how the cards land. This should be a lesson for anyone blending families plus taking on single parents - their are risks which are not assessed at the start!!

Jmovic · 2023-08-09T15:43:28+00:00

Well look at it this way She met and bonded with her dad, then for whatever reason she had to leave him.

Then she met and bonded with you, now she has to leave you

And stbxw will also expect her to bond with the new guy, which i'm guessing must be tiring for her at this point.

Her text (not defending or saying she can't be more affectionate) shows that she does love you and is probably just going through the stress of having to leave another father figure all over again"

My guess is that she will reach out at some point if you indeed had a good relationship, but focus on yourself and move on with your life.

Theedon · 2023-08-09T16:46:14+00:00

It will be ok. I have been divorced for 8 years. My Daughter was in college and decided to live full time with her Mom. Kids don't know what parents go through in a divorce. They can shut down and ignore both parents. They are hurting too. Give her time and be there for her when she comes to you. My Daughter and I talk all the time now. Now that she moved out of my EX's house I get to go see here when I want to.

Effective_Hornet_833 · 2023-08-09T18:21:22+00:00

My daughters who live with me don’t respond half the time. More than half the time. Their phones are blowing up with messages on snap and whatnot constantly. Say hello from time to time, send a card at holidays and birthdays, including $50, and let it go. She’ll be an adult soon, and there will be a relationship there or there won’t, it isn’t entirely up to you. Do the right thing with kids anyway.

Title	What would you do?
Author	7empest-247
Upvotes	8
Comments	38
Date	August 9, 2023 12:30 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15lzm8e/what_would_you_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-would-you-do.1227954 https://theredarchive.com/post/1227954

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