I thought I was over my ex but I'm not

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2023-12-20T20:03:24+00:00

She's still in your DNA, you still care about her. She made her bed and has to lie in it. Take all that ex family dynamic energy and use it to be the best father you can be when you have them. She has to handle her watch and you handle yours for the time being. Life your life and keep healing.

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2023-12-20T16:56:43+00:00

You never get over your ex. She was a big part of your life. It just fades.

Wild_Debt_8065 · 2023-12-19T20:39:50+00:00

That’s rough to feel that way and I can empathize with that. You miss rallying to get through a situation. You want to help. That’s the good person you are. You know that you could never be happy with your cheating ex, you’re missing the family connection.

S4z3r4c · 2023-12-19T13:38:43+00:00

Come back to reality.

Klutzy_Praline · 2023-12-19T11:53:58+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this phase. Ok, This is a technique I use often to get over a heartbreak : Make a list of all the bad things she did to you and keep it on your phone. Make the list as long as as possible and keep adding things as you remember them.

Then, every time you miss the love of your ex, like you feel now … pull out your phone and read the list. This easy technique helped me a lot. I hope it works for you too.

This is an example of the list: - she cheated on me on with another man (date of occurrence) - I found out she was active in a dating app. - She often picks up fights with me out of nowhere to get attention. -She drinks too much and then she becomes verbally Aggresive. -She likes to take too many prescription drugs and becomes impossible to deal with. -She secretly took money from my bank for her personal satisfaction. -She was anti-social with my family and my friends. -She was sleeping during the day and then keeping me awake with stupid fights, at night, when I needed to rest. -She was in a bad mood in the mornings and she didn’t want to be touched nor hugged.
-She was manipulative. -She didn’t keep the house clean and left dirty dishes in the sink all the time. -She was gaining weight and intimacy was not as pleasurable as it used to be. -she didn’t love me unconditionally like I did. (You get the idea)

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-12-19T06:54:42+00:00

The efforts involved in becoming a husband and a father are internalized, like the skills of learning to ride a bike. And although you or I don’t utilize these talents anymore, that doesn’t exempt us from remembering and fantasizing about them. It’s only natural to mourn certain losses, especially ones of emotional value. You have gotten over your wife, yet you’ll always retain certain fond memories. Nothing wrong with having empathy.

ww3historian · 2023-12-19T06:42:15+00:00

Grow a pair buddy.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-12-19T06:00:01+00:00

Getting over an ex is much more of a process than anything else. As time separates you from her, there’s a general trend of thinking less, hurting less and whatnot. Some days are better than others. Some days something triggers a massive emotional response that seems to be out of the blue.

This can be anything from driving by a restaurant you went to once, a memory coming back or - as you state with great accuracy - a longing re-emerges. For me, the “getting over” occurs mostly when I can control myself from reaching out to her on those rough days. It’s especially important that you memorialize these emotional tsunamis like you’ve done here. Hopefully this will be a high water mark.

For her part, seems like she’s doing you a favor by maintaining separation. Alternatively, she’s not alone and she has someone there helping take care of everything.

martinG8736 · 2023-12-19T05:24:49+00:00

Buddy you need to be careful and consider the harm and danger in those feelings. I am currently going through that exact same thing but my wife's ex is the problem. My wife holds onto the issues of their past relationship and I've paid the price for it. My marriage with her is realistically over and I always think of what could have been if he would have just left things alone. If your in a good relationship now then why do you feel the need to consider those feelings and hurt a woman you say has been good to you? The damage to all of you will be tremendous if you don't consider things carefully.

rhett342 · 2023-12-19T05:20:48+00:00

It doesn't sound like you still love her. It sounds like you love the relationship that you had and being a good dad/husband. Even if you got back together with her tonight, it wouldn't be the way that it was a year or two ago. That whole dynamic is gone. Sorry, friend.

PokerFriend247 · 2023-12-19T04:11:06+00:00

Something to ponder about current relationship,

Any fear of abandonment issues??

PokerFriend247 · 2023-12-19T04:07:31+00:00

Potential here too confuse anxiety with love.

I was trauma bonded to my Ex.

If this was any other scenario other than illness , would you feel the same?

Final-Attempt95 · 2023-12-19T04:06:01+00:00

Why did she cheat ?

cactuscharlie · 2023-12-19T02:51:24+00:00

When I was new, I hated the "focus on yourself" stuff. But it's all true.

I don't know that there's a way to get over our past. Our love for our wives. But it simply has to be done. And time is the key. Doesn't matter if it's six months or three years.

Joocewayne · 2023-12-19T02:45:54+00:00

That’s the dad and husband in you coming out. She gave that man up when she made her choice to betray you. You only need to love your kids and take care of them. If things are hard for her, tough shit.

I deal with similar stuff when my kids are involved, as in sickness or whatever. It’s up to her.

If you were anywhere and had a problem or were taking care of your kids and it got tough or something happened, would you call her for help? Hopefully not, because you’d figure it out and deal with it. I wouldn’t ever contact my ex unless it was a matter of high importance involving my children. Like, an ER visit, etc.

darweter_DPI · 2023-12-19T02:01:53+00:00

You are over your x. You just love your kids very much and want to take care of them when they are sick. Coparenting is hard but it is what it is. Do you trust that she will take good care of them without you around? I believe you do, since you agreed to 50:50. Otherwise, you would have pursued full custody.

It's going to be ok bro.

wetwerkz · 2023-12-19T01:49:29+00:00

It may not seem obvious to you now, but you are still in love with the memory of how things used to be. She is a very different person now and so are you. Let go of the past and be there in the present and future for yourself and your kids.

Title	I thought I was over my ex but I'm not
Author	BaldieGoose
Upvotes	34
Comments	29
Date	December 19, 2023 1:43 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18lpvba/i_thought_i_was_over_my_ex_but_im_not/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-thought-i-was-over-my-ex-but-im-not.1241087 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241087

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