IAmA writer on S&M, polyamory, sex, relationships, and pickup artists. Also: female. AMA

puaCurveBall · 2012-09-26T01:33:52+00:00

One BDSM quote I enjoy reads something like: "Some women you want to protect, others you want to possess. Go after the woman you want to both protect and possess."

What are your thoughts on this quote, as well as on possession and how it can play into a feminist submissive

caulking · 2012-09-26T01:18:20+00:00

The man whose neg makes me laugh most gets an autographed copy of my book. (Terms and conditions apply, haha)

That would be qualifying ourselves to you. We know better than that.

puaCurveBall · 2012-09-26T01:24:45+00:00

One of my biggest issues with poly and to an extent feminist thinking is staying in a relationship when I know the other party is attached and seems that staying in the relationship is self-destructive.

I have a huge ethical problem with me starting a break up, because that would seem to be asserting that I know whats better for them than they do, and against my desires to treat my partners as complete equals.

Yet, even if I tell them I think it is in their best interest to stop seeing me, I've on more than one occasion been assured they are able to handle their own lives and I should stop worrying. This often ends up with them getting extremely hurt when they can cease to keep things together, even if I am being 100% honest with them.

So what are your thoughts? How to deal with self-destructive women who you still enjoying having in your life?

ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T01:40:00+00:00

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Michael_Cassio · 2012-09-26T01:53:05+00:00

Get a load of her, she thinks she can win over our acceptance by having a raffle. That's cute... Sorta.

Haha I'm terrible at negging but it sucks to be a poor 18 year old and I LOVE new literature.

cajunspice · 2012-09-26T01:42:09+00:00

I have a question for you.

I work for Lovesystems, and am known in the "industry" to a certain degree (and I've also done an Iama here recently). Anwyays, I haven't read your book or met you (I think?) but I'm curious in what you think about all these "puas" you've met? I've only met a few outside of my company and find them to all suffer from negative personality disorders that were either created by or drew them towards their careers as "dating coaches". It's kinda sad actually, as there are very few normal guys out there just trying to help guys out without resorting to manipulation. What's your take on that?

Best neg? Ooooh I LOVE negs how about: "I like your nails, I'm going to fuck you in the ass while dunking your head in a bucket of piss."

MonkeySteriods · 2012-09-26T02:44:57+00:00

Are you one of those girls who has a c shaped smiles? Or is it u?

Tenmagnet · 2012-09-26T01:07:15+00:00

Just bought your book. Could you tell me what's in it? ;)

ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T01:19:52+00:00

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ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T03:06:14+00:00

A dude named @BasementBoi on Twitter asked me to answer this question on the thread: "Well does #PUA reinforce old (male) role models and therefore the patriachy? Or are there 'progressive elements' in it?"

I know you're all getting tired of hearing about my book, but in fact I talked about this A LOT in Confessions. There are some progressive elements in PUA, like the recognition of Anti-Slut Defense and women's fears of being pigeonholed for our sexuality. But yeah, it has a ways to go, and some PUAs are terrible people while others are totally decent and awesome guys.

GloomyPterodactyl · 2012-09-26T04:09:18+00:00

So, I don't really have a question, but as another feminist thinking about these things, I just wanted to say thank you. I bought your book after a guy I was planning a date with seemed ridiculously awesome, but couldn't set a date like a normal human being ("Come hiking with me on Saturday." instead of "Is Saturday good for you?") and told me he was a "bic lighter repairman". All my feminist friends couldn't fathom why I would even entertain the thought of going out with this guy, and all of my non-feminist friends couldn't figure out what was wrong with a guy getting dating advice from the internet. Reading your book really helped me get perspective and sort out my own opinions on the topic in a time where I really felt like I had nobody to talk to. So, thanks again :)

CuilRunnings · 2012-09-26T13:12:19+00:00

Your eyes are so pretty! Especially the left one.

You look really good today! What'd you change?

That's a stunning picture of you... the photographer must have been amazing.

ZacChamp · 2012-09-26T02:03:33+00:00

Clarisse,

I have a few questions:

Do you think that more men would hop on the gender equality train if the seemingly newer side of feminism that looks at both genders equally adopted a new more gender neutral name? Why do you feel that way?
How much of a problem is the media (t.v // music // games // books // ect) when it comes to gender/sex issues and what can be done to make the world a little better despite those problems?
What could the men's dating community be doing better these days?
Where do you think the best resources are for men and women to learn about gender issues, sexuality, and dating?
Where is the line of consent when it comes to allowing someone to do physical harm to you in BDSM? I mean this in both the community and legally?

I might think of more. Thanks for doing the AMA =)

Edit:

I've heard of some feminist men going as far as to walk across the street from a women when they are alone so she doesn't feel threatened. Do you think this is overkill or do you think it's warranted?

ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T03:17:07+00:00

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ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T04:14:32+00:00

I think it was brilliant to tackle insecurities about your own sexuality by exploring an entirely different group of sexual outliers. You must have learned a lot about yourself. Can you tell us about that?

(That's my first ever attempt at a neg. How'd I do?)

TheImpetuous · 2012-09-26T04:20:06+00:00

Clarisse, you're great and all, but in terms of holding my interest, you're no match for /r/bearsdoinghumanthings.

KserDnB · 2012-09-26T12:46:18+00:00

"Iama ..."

Oh cool look an AMA

"So here are my books"

ahhh.

TheImpetuous · 2012-09-26T04:44:18+00:00

As a follow-up to this blog post, what advice/comments do you have for making seddit less rapey?

asnof · 2012-09-26T05:07:44+00:00

When a PUA or average guy is running their game on you do you just buy into it?

roxxe · 2012-09-26T09:40:11+00:00

how do you handle breakups?

i (31year old) just broke up with my first gf and it seems all that insecurity, apathy just flows right back up in me.

it's easy to say to just jump back on your horse, but hope you have other advise

Deynjerzohn · 2012-09-26T23:40:56+00:00

The idea of posting a pickup line on the internet for a chance at a book is the nerdiest thing I've heard all day and I just finished S1 of The Big Bang Theory. Will you be signing the book with the same fountain pen you used to journal in high school instead of make friends?

Michael_Cassio · 2012-09-26T02:05:26+00:00

Also, serious-ish question, what are your thoughts on a man sharing his fetish with a girl?

I've noticed something interesting. I'm not super charismatic (that's why I'm here) but I have an unconventional fetish I've shared with quite a few people. While even I feel it's weird, girls are SO accepting of it.

Like sometimes I beg them to criticize me. I say "But its so weird... How can you not only be cool, but curious about it too?"

Is there a way a guy can go about sharing his unconventional fetish without completely scaring a girl off? I mean I've managed to do it 20 or so times but it baffles me. I don't know if I'm doing something right or if girls just appreciate my complete openness, honesty and congruence with my interests.

TheImpetuous · 2012-09-26T03:11:30+00:00

Have you read Sex at Dawn/thoughts?

ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T04:30:39+00:00

Overall what do you think of all the PUA stuff out there? How much of it would you say really works? Feel free to divide the material into inner/outer game if that helps

Imnewtoallthis · 2012-09-26T05:06:44+00:00

You. Are awesome. I love nothing more than watching these Alpha "wannabes" shot down by someone who knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

Carry on. That is all.

deargodimbored · 2012-09-26T05:28:14+00:00

I had a roommate who was really into S&M with his GF. Never would have guessed it. He was this really nice, really emotionally sensitive male feminist. But was a dom (that's the phrase I guess). He explained it's all about trust.

I guess my question is what is the draw of it? I never got the appeal of complicated sex acts?

What is your opinion of PUAs? Do you think there is something immoral about guys who just want sex, and consider relationships a burden?

hot_mango · 2012-09-26T06:26:41+00:00

So, long story short, I love the whole BDSM thing.. nothing too extreme but hair pulling and a slap here or there definitely makes things a lot more hot for me.. but my current lover is in no way into those kind of things. He tends to feel as though it's abusive even when I practically beg for him to do it.. Therefore, my question is, how would you suggest bringing somebody into that kind of sex? I've tried easing him in and he's been able to come around to scratching and slapping my as every now and then but I really just want more. Any suggestions?

yokhai · 2012-09-26T19:03:46+00:00

Is it sad that the first thing to come to my mind is "This is nice and all, but are you hot?"

And that's not a question of your success as a PUA or author based on your attractiveness....just my male brain wanting to know.

Can you go into detail the politices of seduction and PUA within the S&M community? I'm curious to know if its similar to the gay community.

del_fino · 2012-09-27T05:18:02+00:00

What do you think about RSD and Simple Pickup? Both companies are kind of moving away from the traditional "PUA" schools of thought, in fact none of them really even mention the term 'PUA' at all and discourage the use of techniques like negs. I think both are heavily involved in making their students naturals with a heavy focus on inner game.

warm_gun_mama · 2012-09-28T03:56:01+00:00

The internets are full of writing about how submissives can come to terms with their submissive fantasies and desires.

Where do you go for writing about coming to terms with dominant fantasies and desires?

Snake0987654321 · 2012-09-26T05:54:18+00:00

I wanna ask you, someone who has seen a lot of different guys my current predicament.(Also I hate negs but....: Your feet look disgusting, can I feel?)

I was in an LTR for 3 years, completely stopped going out realized I was EXTREMELY unhappy and broke up with her. I had been in game about 2 years before meeting her and pretty much completely stopped all game and socializing outside of her and 2 of my friends.

I was also in highschool for most of this( I started when I was 15 years old) And I didn't do hardly any cold approach for the majority of my time and simply worked social circles due to 1-2 bad experiences early on of cold approaches creeping back to haunt in my social circle.

Now I find myself 20 years old, have no viable venues (I live in a place with very poor 18-20 year old night life and mediocre 21+ nightlife)

I am also in college at a commuter school and oftentimes girls live anywhere from a half an hour away to an hour and I usually only get 2 days off a week so setting up day 2s and going out is really challenging, not to mention the fact I am an adult now.

I am MUCH more happier, but I am trying to recover from my previously retarded lifestyle with my girlfriend where I dropped into a "Lower consciousness state" that was worse than when I started this five years ago.

I literally do not even know where to start.

iatecthulhu · 2012-09-26T07:53:37+00:00

I got a question about S&M, that girl in the next room is crazy, ever since we've met she's asking me to dominate her through various ways, like putting my hand on he throat while we're fucking and she'll say things like "wow, I've never been fucked that hard", but will often turn the game upside down during non sex time, saying I'm violent, dominant, that I don't fuck her well, etc., she's crazy allright but she turns me on...

Last week, she went beserk over me and I left for my computer room, a room that clearly is my private place where I can focus and be out of her 2 child's noise, she wouldn't stop yelling and open my door violently, which I first closed calmly saying I didn't cared about her yelling, 2 opening and closing of the door later, her finger got smashed by a closing of the door.

Of course she said I was a woman beater while for me it's still like, why the fuck would someone put her hand in the way of a closing door like that?

She's been very cold for the past week and saying she's moving out, maybe for the better, but as yu can guess, this isn't he first time she said that and although a week is along time, we usually just go back to great sex after a while...

Does that sound like a crazy girl or just a Sado that I can't figure out?

ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T09:29:57+00:00

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DragoneyeIIVX · 2012-09-26T10:37:53+00:00

Spent the better part of the morning running through your blog/stuff, and I've got to say it's, personally, exceptionally relieving stuff to read. I've struggled with balancing feminism with PUA stuff, and everything you have to say (and the way that you say it), really seems to frame the questions and answers in a way that I can get on board with.

However... I'm trying to subscribe to your blog with google reader and I've either inherited my father's 'aptitude' for technology or your site isn't linked in somehow. Know of anyone else is running into this, or should I do some digging?

bigrob1 · 2012-09-26T11:52:11+00:00

Not placing any restrictions on who can form a relationship with anyone else, how do you concieve of polyamorous marriages working? Would there be commited pods? Or do would people simply be allowed to enter into legally binding relationships and create a web or blanket that could theoretically mean everyone in a society would be married, trough other people, to one another?

Also I have read that some gay marriage advocates are hostile towards the idea of formalising of polyamorous relationships, because it seems to be proving those against gay marriage right. How do you respond to this?

iatecthulhu · 2012-09-26T19:38:29+00:00

I read your short story and quite enjoyed it. Shared it on facebook. Look forward to following your blog.

chevalier_d_eon · 2012-09-26T21:32:36+00:00

so you're called Clarisse... Shame you're more license for the shams than Silence of the Lambs...

IV-65536 · 2012-09-26T22:32:18+00:00

At SM meetings, what happens? Like are you expected to hook up with people, or what?
What do you think in common PUA stuff actually matters that people wouldn't think about? A lot of it just seems to be logically trying to make you emotionally comfortable. As in, I think you can just be straightforward and laid-back casual as long as you can continue being yourself. I never liked the idea of being overly playful or really energetic or whatnot, because it's too hard for me to do that if I'm not in the mood/don't have the energy.
What kind of music for sex do you like/would you recommend?
What do your other friends think about PUA (if they even know)?
Is there a common (or surprising) demographic of people you've known about that practice SM?

I might have more, I'm gonna read over what was already said before I ask more stuff

Negs: So, your name is Clarisse Thorne? That's actually really pretty and sounds distinguished. I think I've heard of similar names in a nursing home, I think it was right above Bertha Williams and below Estelle Sanderson.

Hold on, it might take me a while to respond. It's pretty cute, you like, speak in fast forward, so I gotta process everything first.

Holeinonegal · 2012-10-25T04:58:15+00:00

I'm NEW to this whole chatting thing...anyone interested on telling me how to get around this site? I'm a real cute blond and and not a hooker or fisher.

adviceneed · 2012-09-26T05:18:00+00:00

Would you rather fight one horse sized duck? or fight 20 duck sized horses?

Canei · 2012-09-26T06:59:20+00:00

Wow, when I clicked on this link I totally expected that, because you're a chickita, you wouldn't know what you're talking about, at least as far as PUA stuff is concerned. You absolutely know what you're talking about though.

Guys, listen to this broad. She knows her stuff and has a lot to teach you. Sure she has an extremely masculine personality, but that's what makes her great!

chevalier_d_eon · 2012-09-26T15:20:42+00:00

I usually don't like pretentious, snarky whores who overcompensate for their daddy issues with kinky sex and manipulation, but on you, it's not entirely disgusting.

ClarisseThorn · 2012-09-26T02:48:21+00:00

Do you have any knowledge on whether men and women into S&M are more confident in life because they accept their fetish(es), or is it just about the same as anyone else when not in the bed? I'm curious if having a somewhat social more as desire for sex actually would build more confidence because of the embracing of things that many would shun out of prudence.

Also, do you know of any linguistic studies other than kinesics that have been done on the PUA scene? I'm very fascinated by everything on a socio and even psycholinguistic level that isn't a bunch of that NLP nonsense.

Do you turn the tables and mess with guys when they try to use any pick up arts on you because you know more about it now? I imagine you could have a bunch of fun with that.

obster12 · 2012-09-26T13:13:47+00:00

If I wasn't gay I would so make you mine, Actually probably not.

or

whats that smell? O its your perfume, I thought my grandma was here...

Mariuslol · 2012-09-26T19:12:47+00:00

Hey!!

Do you think maybe I can use having been Rank 14 (Grand Marshal) and Gladiator on Wow, or masters with all 3 races on Starcraft to get with the ladies? I'm a little unsure, but I've spent an awful lot of time not doing what most of the stuff guys have spent doing to get with the ladies. And I was wondering if maybe I could perhaps use any of that kind of stuff to sweep the ladies.

Ok, thanks for reading

Ps, I have 266apm

Title	IAmA writer on S&M, polyamory, sex, relationships, and pickup artists. Also: female. AMA
Author	ClarisseThorn
Upvotes	122
Comments	191
Date	September 26, 2012 12:59 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/10hcs4/iama_writer_on_sm_polyamory_sex_relationships_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/iama-writer-on-sm-polyamory-sex-relationships-and.1340171 https://theredarchive.com/post/1340171

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