Girl's perspective: how to avoid needy/clingy girls

rocktherink · 2013-06-05T20:11:24+00:00

Honestly, this can be done to dudes by chicks as well. I feel like you almost perfectly described the situation I'm in right now.

This girl pursued me really hard and we both showed quite a bit of mutual interest in each other and everything was great. Then suddenly, she goes ice cold on me and decides she isn't ready for anything but tells me that maybe we can start over and reset after some time so I respect her wishes and we mostly break contact for all intents a purposes. We havent talked much but mentally, I'm still sitting in limbo with her because I really liked her and I'm holding on (without displaying it openly to her by being needy, desperate, clingy via texting and communicating with her). I posted something in askseddit if you want to see more.

But essentially, I feel like this goes for both genders. Not just for guys doing this to girls. I know I have probably done this to clingy/desperate girl but wasnt aware of it because I didn't know how much she was interested in me after seeing more and more signs but I wasn't into her so I had to friendzone her.

So I guess my only point is, this happens to dudes or chicks.

localmode · 2013-06-05T20:12:52+00:00

nice write up. Now how about we consider a situation where a girl is being clingy post sex, and we men want to be honest.

Whats the best way to let her know ? From personal experience, there is no winning.

achinator · 2013-06-05T18:50:44+00:00

I agree that honesty is the best policy, but I feel like this post is a bit off to me.

From what I can tell, the guy in your post has done nothing wrong other than being a fun and attractive individual. If he's outright lying about his intent, then that is manipulative and wrong, but that doesn't seem to be the scenario you're talking about. It sounds like the guy is just casually dating a few people and has other stuff going on. He has abundance, and she has scarcity. It would be the same story if it was the guy chasing after the girl. We tell guys here all the time to move on and date other people. The clingy person is the one who needs to make a change, not the one who's dating a lot and having fun.

OwMyBoatingArm · 2013-06-05T19:04:57+00:00

Most of the time, when a guy acts like this, he's dating a couple people, playing the field or not sure what he wants. But girls tend to want exclusively dating early on, if she likes you and especially after you guys have sex.

Sounds like me!

So if you are still keeping your options open, you need to be honest about it. Girls tend to hold onto hope if she's emotionally attached to you until you explicitly say something.

I try to be. I don't like explicitly saying: "I'm seeing other people too", but more along the lines of "not sure what I'm looking for right now and am simply enjoying myself."

Things like exclusivity are a specific discussion and should be brought up by the party who wants it.

2013-06-05T18:16:15+00:00

So if you are still keeping your options open, you need to be honest about it. Girls tend to hold onto hope if she's emotionally attached to you until you explicitly say something.

I agree completely. Honestly prevents 90% of relationship issues before they even start. Truly competent men can be honest about who they are without fear of rejection because they're totally comfortable with who they are.

You're acting based on a "scarcity mindset" to need to keep people you aren't that into around.

MMM. I like how you brought it back to being honest with yourself. Good post all around! Come back here often!

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2013-06-05T21:38:33+00:00

I just lived this experience.

Girl asked me out, we casually dated, then she insisted on rushing into commitment. I didn't think it was a good idea and I was honest...so she bailed. Didn't speak to her again for 2 months then she facebooks me out of the blue saying she appreciates me giving her space and invited me to hang out as friends. I was honest again, as always; I told her it would be weird hanging out as friends because I'm still sexually attracted to her.

A couple weeks later she invites me out for a drink and initiates reigniting the casual, sexual relationship. A couple more months and she pulls the same thing all over again, only this time she's gonna move away to another city. I hated to see her go.

Perhaps this is my mistake, but since we'd already discussed my stance on commitment, and since everyone's cards were on the table, I broke it off with a couple other girls I was seeing and committed to her. Almost immediately she turns into a totally different girl: naggy, insisting I call her to talk about my day every day, showing up uninvited in the middle of the night, insisting we see each other constantly, causing drama, etc. It's a shame because I just kept being me and she blamed me for not taking the relationship seriously. It was like we were 5 years married or something. It was really immature and I'm quite disappointed because she's the coolest chick I've met in a really long time. Too bad for her.

The lesson I've learned is that even the coolest, most laid-back people aren't going to appreciate up-front honestly and conversation sometimes, especially when they have less life experience.

plopliar · 2013-06-05T20:14:58+00:00

Damn, I am so guilty of this.

Edit: So, how do I go about fixing this.

Gunslingermomo · 2013-06-06T03:25:32+00:00

Wow, this comes off as written by a very pissed off girl that feels like she got strung along. And I'm not saying that that is OP's situation, I just get that impression from a few things in the text. Here's my personal experience: I was very honest with a girl I liked but couldn't see a future with, and was very honest with a girl I wanted the whole love story thing with (and of course lots of casual to long term relationships too that aren't relevant right now). The truth is people will project their feelings on to you whether you're honest or not. That goes for me as well as the girls. Yes honesty is a good policy and is an important part of not being an asshole, but that won't go very far in keeping you out of trouble as far as feelings go.

GermanDude · 2013-06-05T20:23:48+00:00

Sorry, but if a guy complains about women becoming clingy, I automatically assume that he has been a jerk to the women he dates. It's a big red flag, so I couldn't agree more with the original poster.

For what it's worth, I have dated many guys who wanted to continue a relationship that I did not want, but I would never describe them as "clingy" or shame them for it. We didn't want the same thing. There's no need to put them down, and talking about it to other men I date would just come off like a humble brag.

I move on almost immediately if a guy mentions that his exes were clingy or that he is trying to avoid a needy relationship. It's a red flag that he doesn't realize or care how he is coming off to the women he dates, that he probably sends mixed signals (perhaps intentionally as some sort of a controlling game), and that he will criticize other people for normal reactions or wants. (Also, it makes him seem like a braggart - oh they all want you SO MUCH? Sure dude).

Also, this applies even if I'm only looking for an FWB arrangement. Why spend my time with someone suspiciously eyeing me for signs of affection? There's no need to start or continue FWB with someone who is likely to just bring unwarranted, mind-reading drama to the situation.

hotpajamas · 2013-06-05T22:07:05+00:00

Treating her really nice, looking like having a great time when you two hang out but sporadic contact in between dates

Being hot and cold is a tried and true method to cultivating a girl's interest in you. Blunt signals work sometimes, playing hard to get works others, but sometimes, mixed signals net the best results. It's worth it to me to deal with a clinger every now & then for all the success of being hard to read.

Taking less initiative than before but still seeming very interested when she talks to you

I feel like this isn't the guy's fault though. If he's taking "less initiative than before" that should be a signal in & of itself that maybe his interest is waning. And whether he blows you off and becomes rude or keeps it friendly and chats like he's interested, a clinger's still going to chase for his validation.

You're acting based on a "scarcity mindset" to need to keep people you aren't that into around.

Being clingy isn't a quality derived from what he's doing. A clingy person clings because of their own faults. They're inexperienced, they've had bad experiences, they're insecure, they're needy, etc.. No matter what he ends up doing, if they're incomplete as a person, they're going to cling regardless. It's not the dude that's unattached to the relationship that has the scarcity mindset, what madness am I reading?

DrunkNewb · 2013-06-05T20:08:43+00:00

This is great advice, but every once in a while you get that level 5 clinger who you just can't shake. I went out to coffee with this girl maybe a year and a half ago, and we run in a lot of the same social circles so I've kept hanging out with her. Biiiig mistake.

Long story short, she's still interested and I can totally tell. She'll constantly text or FB me to "catch up". Normally, I would be flattered but I'm just not interested and I've made that perfectly clear.

2013-06-06T04:03:42+00:00

Interesting and well said. I don't think I have ever come across this, I mean needy girls, I am always honest with how I feel. But certainly true the other way around.

UnapologeticalyAlive · 2013-06-06T14:55:31+00:00

If you didn't feel like you needed this guy's attention to feel good, none of these things would bother you. When you have ten guys lined up, the lack of consistent attention from one guy will mean a whole lot less to you.

hivemind_MVGC · 2013-06-06T00:50:47+00:00

As always, if you want to catch more fish, you don't talk to the fish - you talk to the good fishermen.

OP is a fish.

Sword11 · 2013-06-05T20:48:50+00:00

Mixed signals is perfect application of Game. In fact everyone on the sub should strive to do what you advise them not to.

2013-06-06T04:14:07+00:00

Wow. Came here expecting the worst and actually an insightful post. Good work.

WeCameToSmash · 2013-06-06T08:24:50+00:00

This post really seems like it's originating from a girl that got burnt by some guy. It also seems such that this is target toward the guy that's just starting to see multiple girls. I've been there and learned from my mistakes.

I was very secretive about it at first because I was fearful about how other would react. After talking to a friend about it, they turned me onto a book called The Ethical Slut. It really changed the way I thought about "playing the field" most with how I established relationships with girls.

Now, I tell girls that I'm Polyamorous. It's really actually worked out well as a filter and helps me find girls that have a good amount of emotional intelligence. Then again I don't think everyone has been in the same type situations I've been in.

Puck357 · 2013-06-05T22:14:44+00:00

I feel like this works both ways. You can have a girl do all those same things (and she doesn't even have to be dating multiple people) and it turns unconfident or lonely guys into a ball of putty.....or playdoh.

I find people with less going on (ie. are less busy/not as social) are much more susceptible to this

danydooberstein · 2013-06-06T03:32:34+00:00

So how do I attract a clingy girl?

callmechad · 2013-06-06T11:31:59+00:00

I kinda like clingy girls...

coldgluegun · 2013-06-06T12:45:00+00:00

Dang, you're right. That's exactly what happens to me. Sorry OP.

2013-06-06T08:00:52+00:00

Clingy/needy women you are not into, but that are really into you. Telling such a girl that you dont want to have a relationship with her, but that you guys can still be friends with benifits, that isnt a good idea. She will agree and act all cool about it, but it never ends well.

She will just fall deeper and there will be lots of crying. You will be taken hostage on some emotional roller coaster to chaos. She'll makes scenes and sabotage your relationship with other women, and your life in general. Its not worth it.

At worst you will get her pregnant, and you will be stuck with her for life. Dont fall for the oldest trick in the book. Better cut the ties early and not give them hope. Its the nice thing to do.

hoyahoya · 2013-06-05T21:20:39+00:00

Spot on post.

WillRedditForBitcoin · 2013-06-06T12:18:35+00:00

I thought everyone kept their options open until you specifically agree that you are now a couple and dating. You did not have to specify it otherwise. It's a default state. Imagine if I took a girl out on the first date and said: "Oh and by the way, we are not a couple, I'm keeping my options open" or if I said the same after sleeping with her. This will have the following effect:

Make her feel insecure/unwanted/rejected
Cause shit storm
Make me sound like a nob
All of the above

You are better off educating your clingy friends and telling them that unless you are a couple men and women don't have to stay committed.

Heflar · 2013-06-05T20:12:15+00:00

haha i don't think there is such thing as a clingy girl in new zealand, but i welcome the idea

Title	Girl's perspective: how to avoid needy/clingy girls
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	358
Comments	126
Date	June 5, 2013 5:16 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1fqdfc/girls_perspective_how_to_avoid_needyclingy_girls/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/girls-perspective-how-to-avoid-needyclingy-girls.1353406 https://theredarchive.com/post/1353406

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