Why don't us men open up about the fact that we're not okay?

kkkan2020 · 2024-04-27T23:41:21+00:00

anything you say will and can be used against you

theeightytwentyrule · 2024-04-27T23:18:03+00:00

You have to pay someone to listen, otherwise it gets used against you. You can never afford to show weakness. A heart of stone is preferable for most people, to a heart of gold.

pleasantly_plump-yum · 2024-04-27T23:24:53+00:00

People use it against you as soon as you have a disagreement

espositojoe · 2024-04-27T22:42:11+00:00

It occurs to me that the male instinct has always been to put on a strong face and not admit when we're struggling internally or otherwise. I never allowed my children to see me in a worrisome or stressed emotional state.

Whether this is learned behavior or genetically coded, I have no idea.

Dizzirron · 2024-04-27T22:15:20+00:00

Old dude here. Well 30s anyway... Women will cry regardless, and honestly I just stopped listening to them years ago. Nowadays I'm more than okay.

Untimely_manners · 2024-04-28T02:29:54+00:00

Not only to do women not care, but there was a guy I was talking to on tiktok.

He said his coworker was crying because his MOTHER died. He said this grown man crying over his mother made him feel uncomfortable, and that man shouldn’t have come to work crying because we aren’t there for that etc.

The lack of empathy we give each other is shocking as well. This is why so many of us feel like this world doesn’t give a damn about us

Maximum_Use5854 · 2024-04-27T23:41:58+00:00

Because no one respects a man who feels without making it a “tackle next move” towards bettering himself. We’re only respected when producing.

Ok-Yogurtcloset7394 · 2024-04-27T22:34:27+00:00

I'd rather suffer silently than opening up to someone who can't help me anyways. generally it feels wrong to talk with others about it. I actually had a mental breakdown a while ago while being drunk and I talked to my brother about it. and that was the worst of the whole situation. I mean don't get me wrong, my brother is amazing and he just wanted to help me and understand whats going on, but the single fact that someone else now knows how I am doing still to this day stresses me beyond words.

It dosn't feel right, it dosn't help, all I did is make him worry. somewhere along my life i learned that my problems are my problems and mine alone. I learned that i shouldnt open up to others about it and by now it's just the way it is.

But I can only speak for myself with that.

SmutForger · 2024-04-28T02:42:54+00:00

"Oh -- you think you have it bad?"

A few months of this and I just stopped. No matter how bad I feel, how desperate for some sort of validation, some woman is going to pull that card if I have a genuine problem or complaint. My mother was fiendishly good at this.

The_Other_Jay_TX · 2024-04-28T03:34:03+00:00

1) Because nobody really gives a $#!^ about men's feelings. They SAY they do, but they don't

2) Because "IT'S A TRAP!!", and all she's really looking for is ammo to use against you later.

3) Because if you do, she'll spontaneously, automatically, and subconsciously start downgrading you on masculinity.

4) Because she DESPERATELY needs you to be totally okay. She needs you up on that white horse, ready to slay all threats. Subconsciously, she would rather see you die than to have you fall off of that horse.

Wise_Transition_7188 · 2024-04-28T00:12:19+00:00

There’s no guys that want to be bothered with me and I just don’t trust anyone in general to share my problems with.

Least_Attorney9006 · 2024-04-28T03:34:54+00:00

Because the socialization of women is to “take,”including emotionally.

75% of consumer spending is women. The idea that men pay for dates. The vast majority of dangerous jobs are held by men. And more.

And emotionally, when someone is expressing an emotionally hard thing, they are “taking” from the listener. That’s counterintuitive, but let me explain.

To be emotionally intelligent means to be able to correctly identify and process your emotions; but also to be able to correctly identify and process OTHERS emotions.

Women take from men when we have to process their emotions. But they don’t reciprocate.

I have yet to have met a woman that has been able to allow me to “take.” I had one woman that I thought was able, but when I finally opened up, she said it “interrupted her peace.” This was someone who I helped deal with being a widow at 34 and a single mom to two. I processed SO much with her, but there was never even close to the same effort with me.

She took my emotional intelligence, and I never was able to take that from her. And that was the BEST emotional experience I’ve had in my life with woman (at 45 years of age, with dozens of relationships and friendships with women).

Kiygre · 2024-04-27T23:41:36+00:00

It's already been determined long before any of us were alive what types of things we were permissed to feel what sort of way about. It's best to keep it to yourself, keep your head down, and do what you can to make the bad times pass quickly if you can.

CookDane6954 · 2024-04-28T01:59:25+00:00

We’re indoctrinated to believe, “boys don’t cry,” “be a man,” “stop being so weak,” “man up.” Notice that celebrity rapists like Kevin Spacey and David Daniels are out on the streets. It’s because their victims were male. Also, notice that most school shooters in America are male. The disenfranchised male in American culture is canon. It’s so obvious that men need more resources and to be taken more seriously in American society, but instead of addressing this obvious issue, men’s mental health is largely still ignored, and instead the issue of school shootings is mostly blamed on access to guns. Knives still exist, it’s not like banning guns will stop some of these abused and ignored or mentally ill males from their rage. Societal change and better mental health resources for males has great potential.

g1455ofwater · 2024-04-28T02:21:33+00:00

I have and I received little or no support but had it used against me.

brianthalion · 2024-04-28T02:12:57+00:00

Cause Noone gives a fuck

qwestq · 2024-04-28T03:37:51+00:00

saw just recently and now my fav list adds new movie is - disclosure (1994) i cant believe someone made a movie about sexual harassment on men that year ! and yes this line was there "who would believe you , you need treatment ,you are in denial " -- said by a friend of the man who was harassed by the women .

no one gives a crap that days to todays and tomorrows - the only way to be strong is having a attitude "the fuck off attitude" and its good we have good brotherhood in online spaces like this here now . get together brothers - everyone knows men are cool ;)

Spiritual-Angle-1224 · 2024-04-28T10:39:42+00:00

It’s simple. Every single society just doesn’t care about men (Their physical, mental, and spiritual health. You name it). But when any girl/woman says she’s not okay or cries everyone has all the time in the world for them…

mrkpxx · 2024-04-28T08:12:22+00:00

Women use open communication to determine whether you are actually a Nice Guy. On the surface, many men can appear confident, but in an open conversation they also need to show their vulnerable side.

But weakness in men does not cover a woman's need for security. You have therefore proven yourself to be unsuitable for a relationship or no longer suitable and she will lose her respect for you.

If you open up, you fall into a trap called (double bind). If you enter into an open conversation, you can no longer do it right. Some women even feel disgust when someone shows weakness, which is supposed to protect them from a bad relationship.

Untimely_manners · 2024-04-28T10:15:01+00:00

During the worst of Covid a lot of my friends male and female called on me for help. I am single with little family around so would help out my friends. After Covid restrictions and lockdowns settled. I noticed my friends going out more which is expected but then I noticed they were all together and not including me. After about 6 months of this and not seeing a single friend I decided to call everyone out on social media and told everyone how much I was struggling and feelings of being used as everyone called me for help during covid and forgot about me now we are going back to normal... The excuses I got was we thought you were a robot who could just keep going and didn't need anybody. Others said my post embarrassed them as it pointed out what shitty friends they were and they were angry at me for calling them out so avoided me more.

I basically gave everyone 3 months saying if you can't be bothered to reach out and help a friend who only thing they asked for was to be included then im cutting you out of my life and it shouldn't matter to either of us. I ended up cutting out about 95 percent of my friend group.

Bro_with_passport · 2024-04-28T01:26:41+00:00

I confide in my army buddies a lot. They’re long distance friendships, but they mean the world to me. But I also understand that I’m really blessed to have that support system.

DrExtra · 2024-04-28T03:03:43+00:00

Men let things slide way too much with females.

Expensive-Bid9426 · 2024-04-28T02:36:43+00:00

Because when I did I got pink sheeted and then after I ran away the hospital fabricated evidence to make it look like I broke their exit door. (I have seen the camera footage myself and in it you can clearly see I'm barefoot and I push the door open and there's no damage to the door at all when I push it up in and there's no damage to the door as it closes and I run away. Then in the after pictures it literally looks like somebody took a hammer and destroyed the bottom half of the door there is no way I could have done that with steel-toed boots on let alone no shoes)

Xtopher541 · 2024-04-28T04:04:24+00:00

Well.... Guys are fixers. We tend to want to fix things. We aren't overly good at listening to a problem we can't fix. As for opening up to women.... Well......After my son's mom ditched us for for new dick that later turned into drugs, and my later ex-wife/ daughter Mom ran away to trucking school with an online "friend" that is her new husband....I was left a single parent with custody of my two kids and took time to myself and got the closest I've ever been to "ok". That led me to think "why not get myself a girlfriend." Well, a couple years into the relationship I was finally able to let go and open up about some issues I was having with my feminist boss. Outcome of that...... She gets confused because she's not used to her man not always being the strong one. How is her confusion manifested? Oh well she gets caught with another man while I'm at work.

Moral to the story... Men work better, live better, and feel better when we are able to find the strength to truly work on ourselves.

It is nice being able to talk about what we need talked about, but the biggest change comes when we stand ourselves up and make the changes we need

7th-Genjutsu · 2024-04-28T07:44:16+00:00

It is best/safest to not ever *fully* trust people with that, because as many have already stated, it will likely just be weaponized against you later. The only safe bet really is your male friends and even that might be risky as well, depending on what it is. I doubt this will ever change, btw...because most guys realize the harsh consequences for "opening up" and wisely decide it's not even close to being worth it.

CrowMagpie · 2024-04-28T10:07:20+00:00

we get punished for it.
Feminists want us to.

Jarofkickass · 2024-04-28T04:09:23+00:00

Because no one cares

excess_inquisitivity · 2024-04-28T17:03:23+00:00

A lot of men do here.

BayouGrunt985 · 2024-04-28T02:02:55+00:00

Because females will spin it around and act like it's our fault like we fucked up......

Recording_Important · 2024-04-28T02:41:59+00:00

No need. Change will only happen when it affects women

redditisfacist3 · 2024-04-28T04:42:48+00:00

Cause no one cares. Only real conversations I've had man to man are with other random veterans I meet and never see again

djc_tech · 2024-04-29T02:02:05+00:00

Have you tried? I made that mistake more than once.

Dashing2026 · 2024-04-28T00:56:54+00:00

Because society is only accepting of male vulnerability when it's concerning politically correct topics.

DevilishRogue · 2024-04-28T09:26:54+00:00

http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/573

BuyOk5222 · 2024-04-28T10:30:59+00:00

I think it’s a survival mechanism, our ancestors that were male had to keep a strong face in order to not show weakness, if they did, other males might take advantage of it, you could get killed, or potentially mates may look at you as week, therefore you wouldn’t be able to protect them, in their eyes. Its really just biological instinct and natural selection.

Cute_Raise_7505 · 2024-04-28T15:44:38+00:00

Go to therapy

Extreme_Spread9636 · 2024-04-28T16:19:23+00:00

One way to solve this problem is by start rejecting people systematically. One fundamental way that a lot of movements cause for this disorganization is by flat out denying your problems and your believes. Believing isn't an issue, but when you start taking a believe as the "truth", you're bound to starting your own community of people to work together, because every other believe is more or less being kicked out. You want to solve this issue? Kick every person out who doesn't believe in youe cause. Feminism, LGBT whatever, anything really.

Captainsignificance · 2024-04-28T16:33:22+00:00

Because we know that that’s the last thing society cares about and we will be laughed at. Feminism goal is to make men not okay and if we announce that we’re not okay - We will be accused of being misogynistic by trying to steal attention from the the feminist movement that’s working hard to advance women and destroy men.

DuyTran0634 · 2024-04-28T18:05:14+00:00

Here is my way to approach this:

The problem is mine; if I can handle it by myself, there is no need to tell others.
If the problem requires support from others, I will consider who I would share it with. I will so gage a "woman" (friend or girlfriend) I am about to share it with. If she shows any previous disrepectful behaviors, there will be a NO.

I see that most problems in my life can be handled by myself most of the time, so when I hang out with other people, I don't want to bring them up because not many people understand or want to hear about other people's issues. Some can use this to sabotage me.

wafflepiezz · 2024-04-29T00:26:56+00:00

I do all the time.

And here on Reddit, either other (toxic) dudes are like “suck it up” OR you have femcels/misandrists regurgitating the same “ur not manly enough” bs.

I’ve opened up to my ex and showed her my vulnerabilities and then she cheated on me lol

Local-Willingness784 · 2024-04-29T01:03:54+00:00

because showing emotions is for people who know that someone else will care or solve them for them, that's why women and children show emotions, so their parents and loved ones calm them or change whatever is causing the emotion, no one cares what men feel or what causes that, and even if that affects someone else, men are just told to fix it on their own and go back to produce:

male suicide= matters if its a problem for the economy

disenfranchised men= matters if its a problem for the state

male loneliness=lol maybe it matters if they end up dying

workforce deaths= if its harming productivity then it matters

tho overall I'm not sure if society or other people caring about men problems would be useful, like, of course it would bring conversation and with luck some changes in public policies, but will anyone do anything for the ones who are supposed to always do for others? i don't think so.

Friendly_Might_1348 · 2024-04-29T09:57:39+00:00

Because we simply don't know what kind of reaction we'll get

GotSomeCookieBlues · 2024-04-28T05:04:10+00:00

Because many think it's silly/uneccessary for men to do so & therefore they are pussies for it. Because women think, that they are the only vulnerable adults around. Because being a man is to be lonely and alone. Because men are strong and should never show weakness. Because men aren't human.

I have seen many people who feel this way or shame men (in front of others) for it. I've also seen many women oppress men because they have opened up. Not all men are going to be the traditional idea of men and even then who knows. I have heard that men have a hard time finding kinship nowadays. I've seen many wives that are basically ball busters, where there's no room (at least publicly) for opening up.

I have heard that when some men open up, it sends chills down some womens spines. Including mine. Other women get scared by the mere depth of it all. Hard to believe. Who knew repressing issues for years would cause a bigger issue than the one that started it... I've also heard that usually men only open up to someone they really trust or a small group of other guys that they know well and therefore it's never openly observed. Sometimes when men open up to women, women don't want to take it seriously.

This isn't probably always the case but from what I've seen so far this is what I've come to believe. Also, a lot of the time men more so deal with things through action or activities, instead of just through traditional talking. It makes more and more sense to me everyday why it is so common for men to go hunting & camping in the wilderness together every so often (for reasons other than natural beauty & getting out of the busy city of course). Even I find that it's better to deal with things through activities like that with friends, while keeping general health up as well, than to continually be unable to express it till you snap at work or something. More is expected of men (in general) than women. It's no wonder that more and more men are dressing up before they are allowed to break public social norm- although, that isn't always a good thing. Sometimes some of them are far... more expressive than expected. This constant repression stuff sometimes causes some weird social issues.

Street_Conflict_9008 · 2024-04-27T22:31:10+00:00

I am married 19 years, after 18 years into our marriage I had a mental/emotional breakdown. It was a combination of things, and nothing to do with our relationship.

I think it is more about the character of the person, rather than the gender.

I have known both guys and gal's that will gossip and backstab! It is the character of the person that is important!

We place trust in the person's character to keep our vulnerability in confidence, but also able to help at the same time! Being able to appear stoic is important to most men!

Vegetable_Ad1732 · 2024-04-28T03:46:30+00:00

You know, if you don't care about what people think about you, and I do not, then you can open up about lots of things.

NeoKlang · 2024-04-28T06:17:08+00:00

We cannot be seen in melancholy

AIRNYD · 2024-04-28T07:34:28+00:00

Man up is what they say

RacinRandy83x · 2024-04-28T13:23:13+00:00

Mostly because men as a whole don’t stand behind each other when we do it. There’s still way too many men that will call you names or tell you to suck it up when other men come forward with their feelings when they’re not okay.

Choogie432 · 2024-04-28T22:19:40+00:00

Start the trend, take the flak, lead the way.

Trail_of_Jeers · 2024-04-29T10:41:37+00:00

Dudes are told to suck it up or rejected.

Amalthia_the_Lady · 2024-04-29T14:07:27+00:00

I know this is often considered the case. But I'm often having my male friends 'spill the beans' about all manner of concerns from work, kids, women...usually women I'm friends with too. And then they go, "wow, I can't believe I just said all that." And I say, "it's good to vent. You clearly felt safe to do so. So, do you want an opinion or a solution to ponder about?" And then depending on the answer the conversation continues from there.

This is a skill that took a LONG time to cultivate, though, my brother and I were raised on the "I think, I feel" stuff. And it wasn't until he had to download this court ordered parenting app for communication that we found out all that stuff is actually very passive aggressive. Changes the reception of the message when you change the wording.

But it is super important to have SOMEONE to talk to. And if it's not your partner, it is important to let them know that you are talking to someone about the things that are bugging you. Because, especially if they're an anxious person, they will ruminate on that and potentially spiral. Which is really unhealthy.

Agile_Potato9088 · 2024-05-02T01:38:49+00:00

Because nobody cares how we feel if it doesn't suit their agenda.

Evening-Bus7792 · 2024-05-03T07:31:08+00:00

We are.

Response?

"So ladies, man or bear. "

MathematicianSad1915 · 2024-04-28T12:26:15+00:00

I got bigger issues to deal with than my feelings.

Nostradomas · 2024-04-28T12:56:52+00:00

To what end? What would we get? Why bother.

Smash weights. Enjoy life where u can. Ignore bullshit.

Suspicious_Collar775 · 2024-05-02T06:33:50+00:00

We've BEEN lamenting how shitty our lives our on social media for eons now. We've gone to extraneous lengths to concoct excuses for not getting out from behind our fucking keyboards, knocking on doors out in reality, and persuading the public to support our goals, even if they're motives for doing so are very different from our own

We've ended up with exactly what all talk and no action gets you... Dogshit, in the way of tangible gains

flipsidetroll · 2024-04-28T05:49:56+00:00

Of course there are women who can’t handle men being emotional but there are some that can. And when it comes to emotional issues, if men are fixers, then women will want to try and give solutions to that emotional issue. And if there is one giant disconnect between men and women, it’s dealing bluntly with emotions.

For what it’s worth, I think the belief that men are fixers is damaging to men’s psyche. Why? Because if they can’t fix something, if they can’t fix the wrongs of society (which are so diverse that they can be on opposing sides anyway trying to fix yet butting heads with other men) if they can’t fix their own emotional issues, then all they will feel is failure. The very fact that MGTOW exists, proves this. MGTOW encourages men to check out, without trying. It says “look, things were fine for years, then society changed. So don’t fight it. Don’t try help or change things. Just check out.” I’m not attacking MGTOW, but it wouldn’t exist if men were fixers.

Men like to say that their vulnerabilities/problems etc are used against them. But that’s not true. It’s when men don’t do anything to help themselves/fix it, that it becomes a problem. I know some men will lose their minds and downvote me into oblivion because they can’t deal with any view opposing them in this echo chamber but I’ll give an example. If a man becomes an alcoholic, and admits it, he needs help. But, whatever help he receives, doesn’t compare to the fact that he has to help himself. He has to do the necessary things to overcome the addiction, no one else can do that part for him. Even if he fails a few times but keeps trying, people will help him. However, if he never acknowledges he’s an alcoholic, or if he doesn’t try in any way to help himself, that is when people don’t help anymore. And that is when his vulnerability “will be used against him”. It’s the denial of the problem that is used against him. Saying no one cares, is a cop-out in facing their own vulnerabilities. Someone can care very much, but they still have to sometimes do and say things which the other person won’t like, on the path to helping them. And that, of course, can come across as uncaring to people in denial.

Even the belief that men make decisions without engaging their emotions is blatantly incorrect. Science has proved this. With mri machines. Everyone uses emotions when making decisions. So why does this belief persist if it’s incorrect and damaging? Because some men want it to be true. They are in denial. There is no clear solution here.

Title	Why don't us men open up about the fact that we're not okay?
Author	Top_Set_3803
Upvotes	245
Comments	107
Date	April 27, 2024 10:00 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1ceq6s2/why_dont_us_men_open_up_about_the_fact_that_were/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/why-dont-us-men-open-up-about-the-fact-that-were.1516628 https://theredarchive.com/post/1516628

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