The 10th anniversary with my wife (F32) is coming up in a month. But I (M33) don’t think we make it that far. Around 2,5 years ago there was a depression slowly creeping up on me. The covid years, not seeing my family/friends for a long time (I live abroad) and a slowly eroding relationship took a toll on me. She hates my parents, and our sex life was getting worse over the years as she was criticising and mocking me when I didn’t perform so well or blaming me, when I was too tired to have sex after work. But didn’t know what was coming yet. Because my wife decided to start an emotional affair with a male colleague shortly after me vising my family after like 2 years. She invited him over when I was gone and after that she suddenly started having almost daily calls, weekly walks, and texting 24/7 (even at night) with him. When I confronted her like 2 weeks into it, she denied there was anything between them and accused me of being possessive and insecure. I tried to talk to her several times, but she always only got defensive and angry.

My mental health went on a downward spiral, as we were arguing daily, and she blamed me for “negative energy and not smiling often enough”. I almost didn’t sleep and lost all libido. It went on like that until she asked, if she could get sex somewhere else, since I’m not in the best form currently. I was shocked and questioned her whether she had someone in mind. She named that colleague as an option. I refused immediately while telling her that it’s against my core values to have such relationship. She got mad for me not willing to sacrifice for her and claimed she can do whatever she wants with her body. Eventually I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with severe depression. She kept claiming, that she can stop her “friendship” anytime, if it’s hurting me so badly. But she never did. After trying to work on our sex life and telling her, that the criticising isn’t helpful, she just claimed I’m oversensitive and she didn’t do anything wrong, since everyone is responsible for their feelings. She also refused couples therapy.

The blaming and pressuring to open the marriage went on for a year until I gave in. I was battling my mental health trying to get better and just didn’t have the strength anymore. We were about to move a new house far away from that guy. I thought that she might just not do anything stupid, when it’s not the forbidden fruit anymore and soon we’ll be far away. Man, I was wrong. She f*cked him several times, as far as I know. My head was done with her at that point and I should’ve left, but somehow my heart still believed. So we made the move and she would shut down regularly, blame me from bringing up old topic, when I tried to talk about what happened and spend hours locked up in the bedroom. Eventually I found out why. She’s been already messaging some local guys over the internet.

For me too much has been broken at this point. I feel repulsed and mostly pissed (at her and myself). When she tries to hug me, it feels like hugging an anaconda. I know I’ve done this to myself. I need to and want to get out. I met with a lawyer already and started looking for a place. I wanted to tell her I want a divorce, when I have an apartment, but a couple of days ago she came home smelling like some dude. She didn’t even shower, so she smelled for 2 days. It was difficult not to throw up and not to explode. I kept my cool and stuck to my plan, but now I feel like I need to tell her sooner than later. I won’t be able to leave the house for at least a month. Should I tell her already? It’ll be difficult to keep it a secret, that I’m looking for a place, when the online tours and calls start happening next.

Also, how do you tell your spouse you want to separate and eventually get a divorce? I know there’s no easy way. But still, what do you say to keep it civilized? When do you say it? I’m somehow terrified of that talk.

Tl;dr Wife started an emotional affair and eventually demanded open marriage. I resisted for year but eventually gave in. She had sexual relations with 1-3 guys else since then. I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression for almost the whole time. We moved to a new house far away and I was hoping for an improvement only to find out, that she’s been active on dating sites searching for sex partners again. Now I want to leave.