I have no idea what to do and it's killing me

miserylovescompany21 · 2024-08-30T12:21:33+00:00

You said you guys had sex 8-9 times a year on average before it got worse. If you couldnt realize your marriage was over by then, you probably overlooked alot of other things as well. I think she checked out WAAAAAY before the arguments started. You were just oblivious to the signs.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-08-28T04:34:48+00:00

This is tough man. Ive been there, and didn’t do the work to save it. You need to do a couple things….distance the reaction to your emotions. Its ok to feel it, not ok to act on it. Learn to meditate and explore breath work.

Get in shape. No excuse for that (well, other than having 3 kids). Make yourself a priority.

Chances are she is already preparing for separation and might be checked out. Might be wise to seek counsel and prepare yourself. Women usually plan/prepare 6-12 months before dropping the bombshell.

Get in a mens group. Im in the Dad Edge and its full of men learning to lead in relationship. Whether she will let you is another thing.

Divorce sucks, for you, her and the kids. While you still can, do everything you can to save and improve the marriage.

Reddit_Informed · 2024-08-28T02:10:26+00:00

Your wife sounds like a narcissist. Not in a negative or positive way. But dealing with, living with and being in a partnership with a narcissist is a challenge and takes a lot of work.

yes2matt · 2024-08-28T01:52:48+00:00

No sex is the big clue. Where's she getting that pussy need met?

Here's where she is not going to get it:

"I pick up and drop off the kids "

"I do the grocery shopping "

"She handles (gives away! Without consulting you!) the finances. "

And you said in another reply you're out of shape. Is she in better shape? Getting attention shape?

I'm not saying she's messing around, but she can if she wants?

You better get your shit together. EVEN IF you choose divorce, nobody chooses a fat simp. But for the sake of three kids, try the better path.

You've gotten some good recommendations on this thread but I'll add "divorce busters 180" and if they didn't say it, "no more mr nice guy"

You're going to have to grow a pair of balls No matter what, better to do them as a married man, kids living in an intact family.

karavan7 · 2024-08-28T01:39:50+00:00

It has not been as good as you imagine.

australopifergus · 2024-08-28T00:43:52+00:00

Read King Warrior Magician Lover and do the Gottman weekend course before making any decisions.

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2024-08-28T00:09:45+00:00

I can totally relate to having a short temper. When I was younger and early in my (now defunct) marriage, I was short and curt. I snapped at my wife constantly.

I was nearly 18yo when my brother was born, so needless to say, we didn’t grow up together and were never close. One day I saw - REALLY SAW - how my mom and my brother spoke to each other and let me tell you, it was ugly. Worse, I realized it’s exactly how I spoke to “the woman I loved.”

It was a hard habit to break, and frankly didn’t really break it until after I was divorced. Now that I’m older, I subscribe to “don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff,” which is to say 90% of the stuff I got angry about was really not meaningful.

I can also relate to the sexlessness. I don’t have good advice for that. There are plenty of resources if you want to improve your sex life with your wife, but imo, things don’t generally change in that arena. She either has Genuine Burning Desire for you, or she doesn’t.

To me, sex is not THE most important part of a relationship, but it is VERY important. I would not, could not stay in a sexless relationship.

Confident-Run-645 · 2024-08-27T23:56:43+00:00

You cannot get a divorce quick nor enough nor fast enough!

Slowloris81 · 2024-08-27T22:48:14+00:00

Is she open to couples therapy? I asked my ex and she refused. That’s when I knew I had tried everything and was left with no choice once the situation was intolerable. I think it would help you avoid guilt if you were to go through with the divorce, which is a common emotion whether justified or not.

Alternatively, if she agrees and both parties are genuine about improving themselves and their communication there may be hope. Divorce is terrible and, in my opinion, if the marriage can be salvaged, especially when it involves kids, all reasonable efforts should be exerted to avoid it.

Betteroffalone1111 · 2024-08-27T21:24:04+00:00

Sounds like she wears the pants in the relationship and that she gets a kick or feel superior by doing ppl favors

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-08-27T20:17:27+00:00

OP, did you always gent angry and be dismissive of her, or is this a more recent development in your marriage?

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-08-27T20:02:02+00:00

So my thoughts on your thoughts if you peruse divorce, and possible implications

We have three children, 8, 6, 3.

Two here. Things will be a pain schedule/work wise until your youngest is in all day kindergarden

Her family is heavily involved in our lives – and generally it isn’t annoying except for the fact that we bankroll every activity and the family property (probably 15-20K/year) -this annoys me slightly.

One you're separated they will all ghost you. Any reliance you have on them is gone. Flip side - you're saving money.

She is a high earner; I am a moderate earner but handle our investments. She makes a lot of money, and I then make it grow via real estate investments (I handle the operations) – this partnership has worked well. We don’t fight about finances.

If there is businesses/investments/equity etc turn whatever you can into strait cash/liquid now. Dividing up things like you have will ABSOLUTLY create confilict - who gets what, what x is worth, who deserves it more, etc. ALL investments (if obtained during the marriage) are split. If she makes more she will possibly be on the hook for spousal support and HAVE to pay child support - just because she is the woman does not mean you pay her and you get no custody. You'll get 50/50 barring you being an addict or abusive (you need to start to cool it with the anger - tell yourself you CANNOT lose it because she is 100% making mental notes for later). If you both have 401ks/iras those are subject to split as well (marrital porition) and if she made more there is something to get from that for you.

Our sex life is garbage – she had told me she had no interest in sex, but sometime does it to appease me.

Same situation. I finally got to the point of not asking due to being shot down and once towards the end of the marriage i turned HER down and you would have thought I committed a crime.

I have a hot temper, but come down very quickly -this is not good

Again, you need to cool it. Ask yourself about what is upsetting you and how your reaction would be read as a statement or shown on a video in a court room. Part of divorcing is taking some L's on things to have a better long term outcome.

She holds grudges and is very capable to being extremely mean. Most people don’t know this about her, but her family does, so this isn’t in my head.

Again this goes back to her keeping a record of things. If you're arguing and shes bringing up old stuff or name calling just know the true argument is over and you've won, but she need to tire herself out.

She is extremely good at manipulating and convincing people of things. She uses this skill to convince me that I am the problem.

You're not. Again, just tell yourself "there is no benefit to me saying anything." Listen to Craig on three things: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4Ne_xQijhg

Her general attitude is positive, I am more skeptical/pessimistic.

Probably mentally prepping for things to go sideways.

She is extremely demanding, and claims I don’t do enough – which I would disagree with. She claims I am not a good partner, but I argue that she doesn’t want a partner, she wants a staff. I am not going to be a staff.

Please know there is no winning here with her line of thinking. The goal posts will ALWAYS be moved or you'll be told "You're only doing this to make up for not doing it in the past". Dont even entertain arguing on these points they will ALWAYS have examples of you not doing x/y/z it wont matter.

She does a lot of stuff for people. Friend can’t do taxes? She will take care of it. You need a loan? Ask her. Need something moved? She sends me. Your car is broken – take ours. your kid need a recommendation to college - she calls in a favor in her network.

You can start to ask the energy be focused at home. "I was thinking about what you said on (thing she says isnt being doing) and WE (not her/you) could really get it done if (example of your family resources being used for other people). If you separate you dont do anything for her at all as "that sounds like husbands work"

She does not think rules apply to her – at all.

I have a short fuse, and get mad easily.

Find out WHAT is setting you off if you can and tackel that - being asked to do things you dont want, being yelled at, feeling like you're being taken advantage of, etc.... and say "I am upset because X reason". At least that puts it out there to yourself/her what is setting you off. You have a right to be mad, not to be mean so if you're coming off mean the legit anger gets lost.

I can be dismissive if her ideas

Ask to be told more, you might find its ok or at the very least she will be heard. KNow ANYTHING you tell her post filing will be deemed BS and a lawyer will have to tell her (i.e. her making more means she has to pay CS).

She uses sex as a carrot (do this and I will have sex with you) but then doesn’t follow though. But I am guilty of saying the same things in reverse – this clearly is not healthy – it shouldn’t be a transaction.

Best way to play that came is to stop playing. If you're getting it eight times a year (more than I was!) its already basically zero so why even play along.

She handles all the finances/schedules the kids stuff

You ABSOLUTLY need to learn about ALL of the financial BS. Get any statements on your accounts that you can. Run a credit report for both, if possible. Balances, account numbers, make you're LISTED on accounts and assets. If this goes sideways you might find you're not even on a deed or investment account and then she can say it was hers for forever and not subject to division. Hell, learn your bills (elec, gas, internet, phone, water, etc) so you have an active interest in that.

I do all kid pick up/ drop off

If you separate its on her to figure out her 50% DO NOT be a taxi on her time.

I do all grocery shopping – nanny does most cooking

at 50% dump the nanny if you can. And do not pay for her child care. Again thats on her.

The fighting tears me up inside, and she thrives on the fight.

Best move is to not play. "I see you're upset, what can we do to help with X issue" but know you'll just get yelled at more. DONT TAKE THE BAIT.

At this point I don’t know what do to?

Saying you want a divorce, you cant un-ring that bell. Assume she might be planning as well. Again, get an understanding of your financial life. Outside of custody BS the fiscal stuff will cost you the most - both to litigate and losing half. At the very least get a free consult from a lawyer(s) - she does not have to know, but if you know what you're dealing with you might have a better understanding opf what you want to do.

Edit: with her being a lawyer she will have connections and prob get a VERY good attorney. YOu need to find someone in her network that is very good (someone she might use or someone who might go up against someone she would use) and do a consult and/or use them so she cannot. If she takes it very bad she might look at this as an opportunity to destroy BOTH your financial lives as a F-U. Some people will legit burn it all down as retribution even if it screws themselves over. Again, as much as you cna make liquid or just turn into pure physical cash the better. Better to split 50k you stashed than $5000 of whats left after its all overwith.

AirSailer · 2024-08-27T18:55:44+00:00

I might have missed it, but how long is your marriage?

There is A LOT here... And frankly none of it sounds good. Time and time again we hear (in this sub) how women just stop caring about sex... Because those women are simply selfish. Sorry, but that's not something a wife can simply decide to stop and expect to continue to benefit from the other, just like a man cannot stop being home money and expect his wife to be OK.

I'm not going over every point, but the overall flow for your marriage is downward. Now, the big question is do you see any path into the future where she would/could recognize the things that need to change on her side, and will those changes come from within her (in other words, not because you say they need to change but that she recognizes on her own that she needs to change)? My guess is no. I came to the same conclusion myself which is why I made the decision and filed for divorce.

If she's a high earner you need to ask for an unequal (in your favor given the discrepancy in income) division of assets, you will get child support and should ask for spousal support for a few years depending on your marriage length.

Life will suck during the divorce, but it sounds like you're in a pretty good spot given that she's a high earner... Though your standard of living may drop, you will be happier when you don't have to deal with her.

koboboba · 2024-08-27T18:37:54+00:00

If she doesn't have sex with you she doesn't love you. Leave before it's too late and you're too old, or she stops working and screws you in support you'll have to pay. Better for you to leave while she's out earning you.

Reflog1791 · 2024-08-27T18:33:14+00:00

Self improvement mission. Get buff, get haircut, update wardrobe, read books, go after a raise/new job. Find a way to get rid of that short fuse, yoga/meditations/breathing exercises as a habit which works as a preventative measure.

To me the main problems are your short temper and she doesn’t want to have sex with you. I think I covered both.

On the sex note there’s something called dread game. Basically if other women want to jump your bones your wife will too.

Self improvement mission for 6 months (must get buff) then reassess.

redragtop99 · 2024-08-27T18:19:59+00:00

8-9 times a year? Do you think this is normal for a marriage?

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-08-27T18:16:07+00:00

I only have 2 kids, not 3. The rest is verbatim. Toxic marriage. Save yourself while you still can. Listen to the folks here, we're all going through it. My stbxw is high functioning borderline, with narc tendencies; shes a lawyer and everyone loves her... If only they knew. You'll be shocked what you read on that disorder.

fixingmedaybyday · 2024-08-27T18:00:15+00:00

Death by a thousand paper cuts leaves you henpecked and bleeding profusely. Reread what you wrote.

Many of us have been there and it’s a shitty place to be. Constantly walking on eggshells because nothing is ever right or enough. And having ideas put in our heads that aren’t ours. It’s abuse.

You’re seeing her for who she really is and it sucks. It’s worse than a zombie transformation. It’ll only get worse if things don’t change. She demands you put her first and resenting you for it. Time to put you first.

Sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. Welcome to the best last club you’d ever want to join. Get a therapist, get your finances in order and an attorney. And dont let her goad you into any more conflicts.

Title	I have no idea what to do and it's killing me
Author	whodathunkit321
Upvotes	11
Comments	42
Date	August 27, 2024 5:39 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f2n5gy/i_have_no_idea_what_to_do_and_its_killing_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-have-no-idea-what-to-do-and-its-killing-me.1528569 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528569

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