Why couldn't I have a healthy life and marriage?

gza360 · 2025-04-09T00:07:39+00:00

Bro this sounds exactly like my situation. I got in the best shape of my life during separation and coming up on divorce. So many false starts…

To be honest, atleast for me anyways, the level of emotional pain became so bad while my family was falling apart that I was either going to make a change or eat a bullet… not doing anything wasn’t an option anymore. I chose the former obviously and never looked back. It’s been great finding myself again.

Common-Aioli-6722 · 2025-04-08T12:49:05+00:00

This is why people get up at 4 am.

Jgreatest · 2025-04-04T11:20:39+00:00

I had a similar situation. It was the stress that she put on me and her taking advantage of my giving nature. I realized her manipulations, and she quite possibly had bpd. I was full of anxiety to the point that I had full-on panic attacks. Turns out that I didn't feel safe mentally in that marriage, and I suffered for it. When she left, so did all of my problems, and eventually, I felt free. I was then able to concentrate on my health and wealth, and I never looked back. My lesson was that you don't have to sacrifice yourself for love.

Friendly-Platypus607 · 2025-04-04T02:27:52+00:00

This is the effect being in a toxic relationship has on us. It turns anyone into a pathetic shell of a man. Its debilating and leaves us broken. Its a recurring theme for a man to build himself back up and become the best version of himself AFTER and only after leaving the toxic relationship.

Everything you described; Being out of shape, the drinking, lack of motivation, etc are all symptoms of having little to no self esteem. And of course you didn't. Constantly being called a useless worthless POS. Being told you are the problem and need to change. And yet no matter what you do nothing seems to ever be enough. She is never happy, never satisfied. The goalpost is forever shifting. No human could have any self esteem in such an environment. Its only after you are out of it that you can begin to rebuild your self esteem and get some sense of self worth back.

TheNattyJew · 2025-04-04T02:22:28+00:00

Marriage counseling just blamed me for all the problems and said I had to work harder.

This is exactly why I will never do marriage counseling. It's the therapist and wife ganging up on the man

CatDad107 · 2025-04-04T01:30:57+00:00

Over time we make sacrifices for those we love. Working late, or going out with your spouse, or spending time with your kids if you have them, and you lose the energy for your own interests/hobbies. I’m similar to you, no real desire to go to the gym during my marriage, but now I go every day and I feel so much better for it. I think it just takes a traumatic experience to realize how much of yourself you’ve had to sacrifice, which sucks. You can have both in the future, but you (and I) need to make a strong effort to not lose what we’re feeling now

FieldClassic641 · 2025-04-03T23:41:26+00:00

Wow do I feel this!!

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-04-03T23:15:57+00:00

You don't become a man until you go through extreme hardship. That is what men where designed to do. You were coasting on easy mode as a sheltered boy.

Congrats on the journey and congrats on discovering that gym is key. Keep doing hard things and stay a man.

ParkAffectionate3537 · 2025-04-03T17:08:49+00:00

Sometimes you don't know at the time that the person you'd marry would change, or you would. Sometimes you think you want kids after being married but back out because you're doing all the parenting already and working a job on top of that and kids are too much. (Better to regret not having kids because "society says so" then have them and hate them--a la regretfulparents sub). Sometimes it's just a matter of "shit happens."

Or, as Dave Mason sang, "there ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy, there's only you and me, and we just disagree." (At least in amicable divorces).

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2025-04-03T16:22:11+00:00

In almost every case of MC I’ve read about, someone thinks the counselor is taking their side and the other resents it. I’ve also found a lot of people go just to feel less guilty (I tried my best!).

upvotersfortruth · 2025-04-03T14:49:40+00:00

Tell me more about this mythical caffeine reduction …

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-04-03T12:55:16+00:00

This is a good question OP.

We have been so used to working hard and getting results, especially with something so important as our marriage and family. It’s baffling and hurtful that we could not make it work and our children suffer so much for it too.

I don’t have any answers as I’m in the same boat, but maybe the best answer I can give is that I chose poorly.

No one told me that the person I chose to marry would be THE most important decision I would make in my life. And I did not give my shitty choice the gravitas it needed: hence, I blame myself and I will NOT make such a mistake again.

And I will make the BEST of my shitty situation, not just for my kids, but for me too.

Gattsama · 2025-04-03T12:47:13+00:00

The problem / issue is that most modern men don't have a mission. Instead of being internally driven to a goal, we are externally driven for a role: husband, provider, father, employee, etc. The problem is that those externals do not actually ever feed you. They feed you some, but you are never full.

The main reason is because we try to make a woman the main driving force of our life. And most modern women always want one thing: more.

It's never enough. So we constantly fall short. Since we do not have infinite time and resources, something has to give. Diet, exercise, personal hobbies & projects, etc. We voluntarily choose to give all that up ourselves in pursuit of the external validation and role.

Once we learn that role is false (divorced, fired, achieve the financial goal that was supposed to make us happy), we step back and either crash or refocus on internals.

Once we start to focus on internals, we often start down the path towards being our best self. Could we have done that in the marriage? Well, sort of.. most of us did not have a mission. In theory, we could have been on our mission, and the wife and family were an accessory to that. But most of us, mistakenly, made the wife (and family) priority number 1.

In summary, men have been taught that it's selfish to pursue their own goals, and we should sacrifice and submit to externals to be a 'good man.'

During the separation, I remember going for a 3mi run. And I just felt fantastic, I decided to just keep going. But then thought , 'crap, I didn't say I would be gone longer and didn't bring my phone.' Then I remembered, I was separated. This huge weight came off me, I got this big grin and kept running. I could have had that in the marriage, in theory, but I choose to limit myself rather than deal with the drama. Post divorce, I have a g/f, and I never compromise on my goals to get her external validation. If she's unhappy with me, she can leave.

In theory, that's how I should have handled the marriage. But I was simping hard and causing myself harm along the way...

IcyEntertainment8673 · 2025-04-03T12:34:33+00:00

What happens in marriage? Is you focus so much on staying together and making it work when things are going south that you completely lose sight of who you are and what you like to do. It’s important to recognize that even though you’re no longer the family man, you idealized that you can still have a future and be a family man to your kids, and still maintain the better version of yourself And setting healthy boundaries for the next go around.

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-04-03T12:21:45+00:00

Better boundaries? Sometimes the environment we’re in holds us back from becoming who we’re meant to be. It’s not always about blame, it’s about fit. In your case, the marriage may have been a context where your needs, growth, and identity were consistently deprioritized, consciously or unconsciously. That kind of context can slowly erode a man’s sense of self, making change nearly impossible. When you removed yourself from that system, you created space to breathe, reflect, and rebuild. And you did.

Cheap_House8696 · 2025-04-03T12:20:41+00:00

Go to therapy and find out why you subconsciously put yourself in a. Relationship with someone like that usually it's from our childhood, we mimic toxic situations over be over again because they are comfortable quite common

Title	Why couldn't I have a healthy life and marriage?
Author	Many_Reflections
Upvotes	52
Comments	28
Date	April 3, 2025 11:46 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jqg9f0/why_couldnt_i_have_a_healthy_life_and_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-couldnt-i-have-a-healthy-life-and-marriage.1548486 https://theredarchive.com/post/1548486

Comments