How can I even work anymore

Boring-Beginning9713 · 2025-06-02T05:07:04+00:00

Just try to show up the best way you can. You'll have some good days and some bad days. I went through this too....it was rough dealing with. Took a lot of time off. Used FMLA. Still I missed things at work, and suffered for it. It turned out OK.

Cold_Square_2989 · 2025-05-29T16:55:40+00:00

There are quotes about not looking at the mtn top as its overwhelming from the bottom. Just look at your feet and take one step at a time. This helped me a lot with being overwhelmed by it all. I show up for my kids and my work and I do my damn best one hour at a time. I try not to look at the big picture and I give myself grace for bad days at work and focus on major priorities to keep things running. I know my only failed outcome is if I wasn't there for my kids. The rest is spilled milk. Every month it has gotten easier. Your life has been shaken up and you feel broken. You can't compare yourself to your old self, focus on growth and come back stronger. Don't look at the mtn top, just stay on the trail, one step at a time.

Koldfacejillah · 2025-05-28T09:06:32+00:00

I feel you and was / am the same.

Time helps. Just keep going and it’ll get easier. It did for me.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-05-28T05:36:31+00:00

The only way to avoid being a part time parent is to reconcile. Is that what you really want? If so, then I’d bet that’s the root of your misery. If not, then you’re just refusing to accept reality and reframe it in a positive way. 50/50 is really good and more than many of us end up with. I treasure the time I’m with them but now really value the time I’m not with them as well. But you’re an engineer - given the constraints is there a better solution than 50/50 that’s practically achievable? Sure, it’s suboptimal versus the ideal, but you seem pretty optimized under the circumstances.

DSanchO83 · 2025-05-28T04:56:36+00:00

I’m coming out of that too buddy. There is hope. Stress is taxing on your executive functioning so try to take on one project at a time. Be upfront with your boss and let them know you need time to get back to normal. You probably feel ashamed that you can’t produce like you used to, but fuck it, you need time to heal. If you were in a bad car wreck people, then people wouldn’t expect you to perform the same for a while. Wellll, you were in a bad car wreck on the inside. I’m sure work is a big part of your identity and you feel lost, but you’re just focusing on the wrong things. Be sure to use as many visual aids, checklists, and reminders to keep you on track. If you were a high performer, then you’re probably just a normal performer right now. This will help your perspective later in life. Maybe you’ll be a big boss and some poor dude is going to need your help figuring the same kinda stuff out. Focus on putting one step in front of the other…your kids are still watching. Be well bro

Confident-Crawdad · 2025-05-28T02:03:20+00:00

FMLA is your friend.

bizbunch · 2025-05-27T23:44:03+00:00

I think I would start with a new therapist.

Be honest to an extent with work. See about getting any kind of support even reaching out to local churches to help with kids so you can catch up.

This is not a time to lose your job.

I am still in the process but wish I had considered medication at least temporarily. You didn't ask for this and it's traumatic and unfair.

This is about survival and minimizing the fuck ups until your back of your feet.

Prioritize sleep (with melatonin if needed etc) eating decent and finding ways to get your brain off a rut. Sometimes a tool like chat can help in the moment but shouldn't replace a therapist. (A good one)

I was REALLY struggling like this last year and even had a meeting about my performance (which was kinda BS looking back compared to everyone else)

Focus on 10 minute sprints. Just shake your head, say fuck it and do what you can intentionally for 10-15 min. Spiral or take a breathe, feel it if it hits you. Then move on.

Just keep trying to improve what you can. Don't get to down on yourself when it doesn't work. Try again.

Nefarious_Villan · 2025-05-27T21:12:25+00:00

It’s so sad that families breaking up with young kids has become the norm. I firmly believe that modern day Feminsim is one of the greatest evils ever unleashed on humanity and it was intended to assist in the destruction of the nuclear family.

krazykanuck · 2025-05-27T20:24:50+00:00

Im not sure you are taking what your therapist is saying to heart, you’re only half way there. Find your joy. They mean find the things that make you feel happy that you can be in control of. Imagine you were helping a friend out who was going through what you are going through, really sit there and picture it. What would you do for them? What would you say?

Now do that exact same thing for yourself.

Reflog1791 · 2025-05-27T19:12:10+00:00

I think the counselor is right. You’ll have good days and bad days but just try to set up good routines to get your work done. I like to reward myself with a round of golf for a productive day.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-05-27T18:23:55+00:00

Can you move to a 2-2-5-5 schedule? I think you're getting burnt out and a longer stretch of 5 days solo might be of help.

You're JUST getting caught up on sleep/household BS and then the kids are back and they take a TON of mental focus.

Conscious-Ideal9109 · 2025-05-27T17:48:29+00:00

What hobbies/distractions u got going on ?

HistoricalRich280 · 2025-05-27T17:45:19+00:00

I have been there. My work completely tanked after having my first kid, never mind divorce.

Have you gotten negative feedback at work?

I found that when I had lost work focus, my direct supervisor saw that but also that I was still overwhelmingly viewed as a top team member. I had just gone from The Top or top couple to a regular above average.

Sometimes it is okay to not be the best and focus elsewhere. And if you aren’t the highest performer for a couple months while other things are going on, that is not going to tank or end your career trajectory if you have otherwise been an exemplary employee.

It is okay to not feel that work fire anymore. You are unbelievably lucky to have ever felt it. For many, their work has always and will always feel tortuous.

Look at it like brushing your teeth. Take care of the things that absolutely have to get done in order of priority. Perhaps use a body double (someone to work alongside you) or a friend to be a life coach or give your therapist a short lists of tasks to hold you accountable to.

I needed to do that for the divorce process itself. I was so overwhelmed I said, hey therapist, I need you to make sure I make forward progress here.

Grace to yourself. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s regular. To have most things suck. But then find the little things that don’t. Like, this friend is good, this chair is comfy, I like this show, the sun is warm etc.

Let yourself be miserable and then Come back alive

streetsmartwallaby · 2025-05-27T16:31:43+00:00

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” - Charles R. Swindoll

Or as my own sweet mom would say"Ok - fine - it happened and it sucks. But you have to deal with it so what are you going to do?"

You have to deal with life my friend. Find something with meaning and build from there. Find something that brings you happiness and go from there. Do not dwell on the past - especially the white-washed rose-colored glasses "perfect but not really" past - it is gone and it isn't coming back no matter how much you wish it would. Cherish the time with the kids and make the most of the time without them FOR YOU.

What worked for me was spending more time with others - friends, volunteering, biking, fishing, cooking, etc. I called everyone I knew and talked to them. Amzaed they continued to answer my calls but I think they knew I was hurting. Any time I didn't have the kids I had something to do. If I didn't have someone to do something with I had a plan to fill the time - yardwork, home repairs, gym, etc.

I look back now on my separation / divorce / post-divorce life and yes it sucked going through it but we are all SOOO much better than we were.

There are the other usual things too - the gym, getting out with people (volunteering has been great for me for that; feeds my soul and provides company), continue with the therapy (sounds like you may need a new therapist) and maybe talk with your doc about some antidepressants until you get more even keeled.

You got this - we are here to help.

Ricanzanity · 2025-05-27T16:28:14+00:00

I was in a deep hole of depression like you. Reminding myself that the kids need me to be their dad and the person I used to be was a big factor in getting out of that pit. The antidepressants helped too but the image of my kids continuing to see me as a shell of a dad pushed me to changed. I’m only a month into this change. We’ve been separated 9 months as well and she has had a boyfriend for 6-7 months. Believe me it fucking sucks but it does get better.

Title	How can I even work anymore
Author	Llamma_llama
Upvotes	35
Comments	47
Date	May 27, 2025 4:15 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1kwrdrg/how_can_i_even_work_anymore/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-can-i-even-work-anymore.1553254 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553254

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