Relationship after divorce

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-09-27T02:00:19+00:00

I met someone a few months after my divorce, she was younger, hotter and crazier than my ex-wife. There were so many red flags it was like a clown pulling them continuously out of a box. I realized I had a habit of picking the same type of people every time, until I worked on myself. You miss things because of loneliness, co-dependency or whatever else.

KendhammerJ · 2025-09-26T15:08:39+00:00

For me if I had gotten into a new relationship right away it would not have been with the quality of women I was looking for. I was overweight, no goals, never traveled, was still a "Nice Guy", etc. I would have never had the chance to work and build myself up into the man I wanted to be. I wanted to travel and date around to figure out the kind of girls I wanted

Mugennsx · 2025-09-26T14:59:53+00:00

Because you haven't had enough time to heal and really go through every hurt and reason the marriage didn't work out to become wiser and better.

ng_rddt · 2025-09-26T14:00:46+00:00

I think many of us have been so conditioned to be subservient after decades of marriage that it can be difficult to find our voice and sense of agency. We have internalized the perspective that somehow a woman is "our better half". For some men, it can take years to rediscover who they are. For others, it can happen sooner.

An important clue is that you are comfortable saying "no" to a woman. Frankly, you should probably be saying "no" to her every day (or even several times a day), or at least expressing your preference to her. Maybe she wants to go out to dinner and you don't, or maybe she wants to watch a TV show and you don't, etc.

Learn to speak up. You do it at work, why can't you do it in your relationship?

crager34 · 2025-09-25T11:08:18+00:00

I feel more often than not, it’s better to wait for the majority of men. You could be different and ONLY you will know this. Don’t ever forget your divorce, especially when dating someone new.

Own_Maybe9468 · 2025-09-26T06:04:08+00:00

I want to thank you guys for the input. Some of the comments do not align with what I am doing now, but this is what the forum is for, to see new opinions so that I can reflect and make adjustments if necessary. I date with intention (I do not enjoy the chaos from casual relationships), and I want a long-term partner (lifetime if possible). I may not have gotten over my previous relationship completely, but I will not go back to her again. I do see the new girl for who she is and appreciate her effort and the qualities she displayed. As many have mentioned, I will take it slow and invest, but not fully. Healing, reflecting, and improving through the process. Dont rush into a new marriage, see clearly if she is the one, and enjoy my time with her. The above are the conclusions I get from your comments. Hope things get better for everyone. I really appreciate this community for the help and support.

DivorceBro · 2025-09-25T16:13:59+00:00

I think there is a VERY IMPORTANT distinction to make between GROWING RELATIONSHIPS and FOREVER RELATIONSHIPS. I think this comes from Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, a book by Bruce Fisher.

GROWING RELATIONSHIPS are great because they help you grow, which could be very useful after a relationship. (I know it was for me - see below.) There's something in that relationship that you can learn from, practice, or just enjoy (e.g., the comfort you mentioned).

FOREVER RELATIONSHIPS are exactly that - YOUR person that you can build a long-term relationship with.

But here's the rub. The foundation for GROWING RELATIONSHIPS (comfort, enjoyment, good sex, etc.) is different from the foundation for a FOREVER RELATIONSHIPS (shared values, compatible living habits, etc.). Even if you're in a GROWING RELATIONSHIP that feels really good, I think it makes sense to take a step back - if you think it could be a FOREVER RELATIONSHIP - and intentionally put in the place the foundation for a FOREVER RELATIONSHIP, if that proves possible. And if it doesn't, then you know it was just a GROWING RELATIONSHIP, and that's fine.

As for my own story, I had a wonderful GROWING RELATIONSHIP after my divorce - it started even before I got my decree (but after I moved out). She's a wonderful woman, also recently divorced, and we were together for about one year. I can't imagine who, where, or what I'd be without that relationship. It was immensely healing to know that I could be loved, that I was attractive, sexually appealing, etc. And I think she would say the same. And we're still very close friends.

But ultimately we both came to the conclusion that it was not a Forever Relationship, and that's fine.

Dating soon after divorce is probably fine, but you have to know what you're doing, and there's a difference between GROWING RELATIONSHIPS and FOREVER RELATIONSHIPS. As the saying goes, people come into your life "for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime." The trick is to recognize the difference.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-09-25T15:57:20+00:00

I'll be the devils advocate here: go ahead and start dating if that's what you want to do.

Many people on here have had bad experiences - and I agree with them generally to wait. However it's kind of an echo chamber here. You have a limited time to be on this earth, and you might as well live life to it's fullest.

It may not work out, it may be fucked up, but that's kind of a given in life ~ no need to wallow in misery and grief for years. Dust yourself off, look up and see that there's a wonderful adventure ahead of you.
You'll probably get your heart broken, or break her heart, but that's just part of life: all of our relationships will end at some point (death or divorce).

Now I do have to caution you to not invest 100% of your time into this relationship. Keep investing in family, personal growth, friendships, and career. This relationship should reflect 20% of your new life, not 100%.

I myself started dating super quickly (2 weeks after 20+ years together), which I now recognize could have been a train wreck - it's worked out really well so far.

Took me at least 3-4 months of oscillating between grief from the divorce and the excitement of the new relationship. That was exhausting emotionally. Now at 10+ months out I rarely think about the sadness and remind myself what great things have come out of the divorce.

darealyst · 2025-09-25T13:47:35+00:00

Performance anxiety was the biggest issue. Took 2 evenings of going down on her because the little solider wasn't cooperating before I woke up in the middle of the night with the mother of all hardons and she rolled me on top of her. From there it was much better.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-09-25T13:46:38+00:00

Minimum 18 months after the divorce is final before dating is sage advice.

You have had no time to reflect on why your marriage ended, you have not grown as a person, so you are going to repeat your previous relationship just with a different person.

Not taking a season of singleness and not growing as a person between relationships is the primary reason why the failure rates of marriages 2 and 3 are sky high.

When you are back here in 7-8 years after divorce #2 you'll get it.

no-more-nazis · 2025-09-25T13:26:54+00:00

If you feel profoundly taken advantage of by your ex, you may be very sensitive to any sign of it happening again.

DaveTheDrummer802 · 2025-09-25T11:16:44+00:00

It's because we crave romanticism (is that a word)? My life has been devoid of any romantic aspects for a very, very long time now; my wife hasn't voluntarily touched me in any way for years. Something as trivial as our feet touching, she wants nothing of it. She sits on the exact opposite of the couch, even when I sit in the middle. She says she is sad that our kids are growing out of snuggling, but I haven't. The truth is, she doesn't want to snuggle with me. She doesn't want to touch me.

I am her handyman. I am her chef. I am her landscaper. I am her plumber. I am her janitor. I am her maid. I am her nanny. I am her garbage man. I am her accountant.

Did I mention I work two jobs?

Sorry for the rant.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2025-09-25T10:29:02+00:00

For me, it wasn’t about the length of time since the divorce was actually final, it was about how long I’d been processing that loss.

In my case, I went on a date the day after my divorce was signed. I was waiting for things to be officially final before I started anything new. It was 7 months since I had found out my ex had been cheating on me (again) and 5 years since the first time she cheated on me, which is when she actually broke my heart.

I also had put in a ton of work on myself, including therapy, and so I had a good basis for knowing I was ready to date again. Just be honest with yourself and the new person you’re dating.

jarnock · 2025-09-25T10:18:45+00:00

It’s just advice from people who got into a relationship too fast after their divorce. May or may not apply to you. I started dating while I was separated, it’s really your call. My divorce took 6 months after we officially said let’s get divorced, I knew six months before that it was over, I hadn’t had sex in over a year before I was officially divorced, you do you boo!

Totesmagotes24x7 · 2025-09-25T10:07:41+00:00

You say months after divorce court but how long was the entire process. Because as it stands right now for me, I likely will be in the process for almost an entire year in which I would say it's ok to start a relationship again. I think it also depends on you and how you've healed. Starting a relationship while still broken could be bad for your next relationship.

If you are in a good place then I say go for it and enjoy this relationship. Just make sure to leave the past behind and look at what's there in front of you. Good luck buddy.

Techdude_Advanced · 2025-09-25T10:04:57+00:00

The advice comes down to knowthyself. You just got out of a relationship, you really don't know what you want yet, you can never truly know yourself unless you are comfortable being alone. She could be the best for you but this is not the right time, she's not getting the best of you no matter how you spin this. Let her go before you end up hurting her. My two cents.

Title	Relationship after divorce
Author	Own_Maybe9468
Upvotes	18
Comments	29
Date	September 25, 2025 9:19 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1nq21un/relationship_after_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/relationship-after-divorce.1562761 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562761

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