Never put yourself down for your past choice in men

Ugly_Swan · 2020-09-08T16:24:16+00:00

Thanks for this post, indeed!!

I am right now separated (in a failed short marriage) and feel like suuuuuuuch a fool, so humiliated by my bad choices. Both my exes and husband.

To know I'm not alone in this is nice.

Gotta level up and move forward, I suppose.

penandfeather · 2020-09-08T17:52:43+00:00

This is the discussion that I keep having with myself.

I had a good example. My dad is most definitely an HVM. My parents marriage is still going strong after 49 years and two kids. I have had a very good example of a healthy partnership.

But I let a fucking leech latch onto me when we were 18 and stayed with the fucker for 24 years. My folks (especially my dad) raised me to be able to take care of myself— to not be dependent/feel trapped in a relationship. And yet...

Ex was a master manipulator. I stayed because I thought there was love. Because he wouldn’t have a “reason to live” without me. Because we could barely afford to live on my salary, would I be able to afford to live alone if I got stuck paying alimony? (of course the poor baby couldn’t hold down a job or not spend money unnecessarily)

I finally got out last winter. After years spent struggling, trying to help him, get him to help himself, shrinking myself more and more to accommodate his needs (or “needs,” really), and growing further apart from my family who “just didn’t understand the pain and trouble he’s been through”

My mantra, to myself, is that I stayed long enough to learn what I needed to.

And now, I’m free. I was able to finance a new (used)car when my 21 year old 191k mile beater was totaled after I got rear ended. (Ladies, I am now driving my dream car!) I’m saving money for a down payment on a condo. I’m able to buy myself new clothes when I need to, and get a haircut, and just generally take care of myself!

InterestingMango0 · 2020-09-08T16:14:17+00:00

Thanks for this post.

kettleodumplins · 2020-09-08T17:39:56+00:00

Self-doubt and blame are the cornerstones of a system that keeps women in bad relationships. How often do you see society punishing a male for wrongdoing versus scolding a women for not seeing red flags or "knowing better"? If I picture myself as an extension of that system when I put myself down, and it makes it a lot easier to turn around.

It's humbling seeing all the women here in their 20s already living the ideals that some of us took well into our 30s, 40s, 50s to figure out. But the rising tide lifts all boats 🙂👑

daisy_0720 · 2020-09-08T18:57:39+00:00

Feeling shame about your past exes is a sign of how much progress you've made. Instead of beating yourself up, take it as a reminder of how much you've leveled up.

redmothhh · 2020-09-08T16:46:59+00:00

I was feeling shame today. Thank you for sharing!

beatlefreak_1981 · 2020-09-08T18:27:15+00:00

I also feel like a mega fool for wasting so much time, energy, and youth on some dbag. All the signs were there I just refused to take off my rose colored glasses.

I try to make myself feel better by being nice to myself and re-working my negative self talk. "I was so stupid," becomes "You were young and didn't know any better," ect.

I've been reading into Stoicism also and this has helped. "Worry about things you can control," I could not control how my ex acted so I do not need to worry about how I could have changed his behavior. I couldn't. I dwell on the time that I lost but that is something I can't change either. It's gone and all I can do is move forward with a better mindset.

I hope someone else will find what I said here helpful.

MonicaLSolis · 2020-09-08T16:25:55+00:00

Thank you. I needed this

hairwashernova · 2020-09-08T17:43:48+00:00

Very true, thank you for this. I'm still learning to accept this mind shift, to not berate myself over failed relationships with the men I chose to get involved with. I think it's hard, especially when you have friends and/or family members, who tell you things like, "Why did you chose him of all men" and "I can't believe YOU fell for him and let him broke YOUR heart, LMAO."

Shit like that eats at your self-worth, not gonna lie. I'm learning to stand up for myself and drawing a line with the boundaries I have with my girl friends and female relatives when it comes to the way they talk (down) to me. The choices I made weren't good for me but I learned so much from them so there's no need to keep bashing myself or allowing someone else to do it.

sleeping_pretty · 2020-09-08T21:00:54+00:00

Oh yes, the shame! Please know you are not alone! I have cried many nights, we were all probably crying at the same time. Feel sadness, but do not feel shame, and do not let anyone shame you. Sleep soundly knowing you were honest and kind in this messed up world. You are wiser now and that is enough.

2020-09-08T19:01:32+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Be very happy you didnt procreate with one..:(

Adawritesrules · 2020-09-09T00:02:39+00:00

There are so many exceptional posts today and this is one of them!

nyan_birb · 2020-09-08T17:57:39+00:00

I needed to read this today. Thanks

JaneIsaPain · 2020-09-08T22:44:45+00:00

Its hard to blame women when over 50% of men are trash.

Never forget, many things like sociopathy, sexual crimes, narcissism, addiction, behavioural disorders, violence against women and the like are all higher in male populations. We are born already fighting an unequal playing field

2020-09-08T20:25:28+00:00

Never a failure, always a lesson

whatprettygirlwhere · 2020-09-08T23:36:33+00:00

Thank you for this!

The trap I found myself in before learning how to level up, was that because the partners I chose for myself were better than those of the women closest to me, I thought they were good.

I saw the women in my life set the bar on the ground and I thought, "I know better than that. I'll set it at knee height!" like that was a big improvement. I had a false sense of security because I avoided those other mistakes. Instead I just settled for crumbs instead of nothing at all.

Since beginning to learn better, it's hard not to be ashamed of how little I wanted for myself in the past. I'm trying to remember that I did the best I could at the time, with the way our society is set up. Some days I find that forgiveness a little more easily than others.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-09-09T00:33:14+00:00

Excellent post. I feel like this can be one of the hardest parts of FDS. At least therapy and a supportive community can help.

werker115 · 2020-09-09T00:37:20+00:00

I dated garbage at 34, glad I finally see the light..

2020-09-09T01:23:55+00:00

Thanks for this. The shame is worse than the scrote.

tildepurr · 2020-09-09T03:11:42+00:00

I needed to hear this. I’ve been feeling like such a fool and I’ve been angry at myself cause I got a little attached to a hook up from work. We fooled around for a month before he left for college. And he says he’ll see me again when he comes back during breaks.

Except this asshole never texts me. He never asks how my day is going. Even though we hooked up a bit, we talked like friends and hung out. Now, he doesn’t even deign to talk to me.

I’m glad I didn’t have sex with this tool, but I feel used because I gave him blowjobs and he never did anything back except giving me a half hearted rub and then unexpectedly bending me over one time and almost sticking it in. No foreplay, no lube, NO CONDOM (!!!!!)

Grrrr, I get angry thinking about him. And he expects me to be his little dick sucking lapdog when he comes home during breaks.

I needed to vent about this. I refuse to let this boy make a fool out of me even again and that goes for any future men.

sashazulu · 2020-09-09T01:37:28+00:00

Lol Reminds me of when I first saw this sub and realized “pick mesha-isms” that I was guilty of ! Fortunately we all have GROWN

thedollparts · 2020-09-09T02:18:00+00:00

Great post!

catchaleaf · 2020-09-09T12:52:49+00:00

29 isn’t ripe old age. Stop that. However yeah don’t be upset you had associated with LMV in the past. You can level up after being self aware.

buzzkillyall · 2020-09-09T14:52:59+00:00

Thank you. I’ve been drowning in depression and suicide thoughts, over my shame and disgust for my choice to stay with a toxic, sentient, rotting garbage heap, who may have been a human when he was a small child.

I am finally starting to forgive myself, 8 months after walking away, 10 years after desperately trying to make it work. He is a master manipulator. I am (was) a trusting and open person. I was the ideal prey. I must continuously tell myself that it's over, I'm free, it's OK, look forward, dear self. I may need PTSD treatment.

2020-10-11T21:34:59+00:00

Amen sis🙏

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Kitty015 · 2020-09-10T01:05:04+00:00

Maybe I need to know and understand scrotes to beat the scrotes. And after more than a decade of bad dating choices I have definitely learned a lot about scrotes.

Title	Never put yourself down for your past choice in men
Author	planethoneyy
Upvotes	366
Comments	41
Date	September 8, 2020 4:03 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iowavy/never_put_yourself_down_for_your_past_choice_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/never-put-yourself-down-for-your-past-choice-in.232137 https://theredarchive.com/post/232137

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