Q4BP: what non-PUA/RP advice would you give a struggling male who's goal is to spin plates while giving as little commitment as possible?

hakosua · 2016-06-17T03:51:04+00:00

There are some overlaps between good, generic advice and PAU/RP advice; and, since I don't pretend to be an expert on the latter, you'll have to forgive me if my good, generic advice borders on RP principles.

First and foremost, maintain balance: exercise, non-sexual friendships, and meaningful responsibilities (be it through challenging work or a commitment to family). If a guy gains his self-worth solely from sex with women, women will sense this and find it off-putting.
Demonstrate sexual interest during your first encounter with a girl whom you find attractive. "Do you have a boyfriend?" might sound cheesy but it's a fine thing to slip into a conversation.
Don't make an concerted effort to hide sexual attraction from a girl. If she's down, she'll reciprocate. If not, no problem; cut your losses and go home. Rather than acting apologetic or defensive or squirrelly, just imagine all the freaky shit you want to do to her as a cool adventure that she might accompany you on. Only, since it's a top secret adventure, she has to earn your trust a little before you can embark on it together.
Stay busy so you won't get tempted to call or text the same girl too much. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but, if you're just treating it as a power play, sitting by the phone, counting out the days until you can safely send a girl your next text message, you'll be wasting your own time as well as hers. Don't pretend to have other priorities besides sex with her; actually have other priorities besides sex with her.
Learn which girls you can act weird around. I'm all for guys pursuing basic bitches if that's who they want to fuck (some guys are basic too), but don't go complaining AWALT until you've interacted with a variety of girls in a variety of different venues.
If you decide to use alcohol or drugs to lend yourself more confidence on the dating scene, be careful to monitor your use. Casual sex is risky for guys as well as girls. And, while sex when fucked up can be fun, you're upping the risks of something going wrong.
Respect your body and yourself. Women have been getting this message for decades now. It's time guys internalized it too. Stay healthy, practice safe sex, and don't say 'yes' to something just because you're flattered to have been asked.

Edit: My mom is in town visiting and had her own suggestion for guys seeking casual sex: "Make it clear to girls that that's what you want." I concur. If a girl seems turned off by this, she probably wasn't that into it to begin with.

GridReXX · 2016-06-17T13:54:09+00:00

First, for the love of god don't ever use the term "spinning plates," so cringey. Friends with benefits are easy to come by: make yourself comfortable around women (let's be honest, most "struggling" guys have social anxiety) and put yourself in scenarios to meet a lot of them. Use apps like tinder, and have a witty profile. Be realistic in your standards (safe to assume the hottest girl in the room has 0 interest casually hooking up with you, don't embarrass yourself in front of her) and be friendly but upfront that you're interested in them sexually. Don't go for romance it sends the wrong social cues. Find common ground, mutual interests, but keep the conversation flirtatious. Compliment her, let her know what about her you find attractive, but don't grovel. And most importantly become a good lover... Don't just jackhammer, use finesse and make sure she comes. If sex is all you're offering you better make the experience good for her or she won't be back. And don't lie about the casual, noncommittal nature of the arrangement. Don't get butthurt when she sleeps with other guys too. Don't develop feelings.

BlueMoon4444 · 2016-06-17T04:22:28+00:00

Depends. Is the male having a hard time attracting one woman or he losing women constantly by not committing?

SpaceWhiskey · 2016-06-19T04:23:48+00:00

First and foremost, lose any shitty attitudes you might have about "sluts". No thinking promiscuous women are "damaged goods", no looking down at her for sleeping with you.

Secondly, after you've shed any potential sex negative attitudes, be upfront with the women you want casual sex with. Don't string anyone along who wants a relationship. Pay attention to the situation. Be transparent no hiding partners from each other. If you want to sleep with multiple women casually, don't be upset if she also wants to sleep with other guys.

There are lots of women out there, especially in kink communities, who are way way into NSA sex. But they're almost always the sorts of women TRP looks down on. It's not just that TRP wants casual sex, they want it with the sort of women they consider to be marriage material (young, virginal, passive) but have no intention of marrying. That's dishonest, and beyond hypocritical of their own worldview: that women who sleep around are flawed, when they're out there trying to get casual sex out of otherwise "pure" women.

You're going to have to work on your own self-confidence and self-worth to be successful doing this. For all that there are lots of women out there who would be into such an arrangement, you must also accept that there are lots of women who won't be. Learn to take rejection gracefully. Understand that there is no Konami code for women. If you have to lie to a woman to make your arrangement work, you're doing it wrong. "Well she wouldn't sleep with me otherwise." Tough shit, move on. If you have to lie to make something work, it's already failed.

lollygagyo · 2016-06-17T05:18:06+00:00

Find a woman who's secure in herself and interested in having casual sex. Have casual sex with her on an ongoing basis. There's no need to manipulate your way into having casual sex with someone, tbh.

I've had casual sex with plenty of men that I didn't want relationships with for whatever reason. I liked them as people and thought they were hot, but didn't value them as long term partners. Friends with benefits, essentially. Be a friend, be respectful, share a connection. Communicate clearly and don't be an asshole -- pay attention to whether or not someone's developing feelings and bail if they are. It's cruel to mess with people's heads and hearts.

I'd give (and have given) the same advice to a woman seeking to juggle multiple casual partners.

ozymandias271 · 2016-06-17T13:40:49+00:00

Flirting is a learnable skill. Don't stay inside listening to keyboard jockeys; get out there and practice, practice, practice.

The kink community is how nerds find casual sex. If you'd like to talk about GURPS in between hookups, it'd be wise to invest in some rope and check out your local munch.

The telepathy method of figuring out whether girls are into you is deprecated. You have to ask.

If you're going to be spending a lot of energy on having sex with sluts, stop thinking that sluts are disgusting. Fucking people you think are disgusting is not good for your mental health.

Don't be surprised when you get bored of spinning plates and want to commit to someone. It happens to everyone.

PsychedelicDoc · 2016-06-17T03:15:58+00:00

I've been "plated" by (had wonderful casual, non-exclusive relationships with) a few men who were awesome at it. They offered lots of support in everyday life events and long-term goals, communicated frequently and kept it light and friendly, expressed affection freely, listened openly to my stories about other men I was seeing, and were extremely positive when the "Where is this going?" or "Can we be exclusive" talk was initiated by me. They were so warm and open that I did not care that it wasn't going anywhere. They were amazing friends, first and foremost. I have wonderful feelings for them still, although I was never actually in love with any of them.

jonascf · 2016-06-17T03:37:39+00:00

Rethink your stand on commitment; as in most other things there is a golden mean and you're aiming for an extreme.

Wanna have several girls at once? Be attractive enough to get it, be open and honest to everyone involved.

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Transmigratory · 2016-06-17T14:35:17+00:00

BPers don't like this sort of thing, so they're not going to help. That's why they are anti-RP/PUA.

questioningwoman · 2016-06-17T21:14:18+00:00

Go on the local craigslist and make out an ad. Put out your phone number. Wait for destiny....

[deleted] · 2016-06-20T10:35:19+00:00

[permanently deleted]

PsychedelicDoc · 2016-06-22T13:54:07+00:00

Not sure you answered why you would have them around if they were so ugly and stupid, but ok. Here goes.

Does it help fulfill your quota for outrage porn to think that anybody successful must be insecure, manipulative, or evil?

You're purposely using words and meanings in ways I did not to frame your point. I did not cite success or evil. You've continually misinterpreted the word "insecure" as a personality trait when I used it as a style of interpersonal interaction. Clearly you portray yourself as confident. That's not what I'm talking about. It's how you interact with women, as evidenced by the framing of your next question.

Would you prefer I told them from the beginning that they were too ugly or stupid to have an LTR with? Instead I told them it was friends only from the get-go. Should I have kept the FWB going when they started getting emotionally attached like you say? Or maybe I should have told them that my (now) girlfriend is nicer, smarter, and more attractive than them. Would that have been less insecure?

Your taking a woman on as a lover when you have such contempt for her is a reflection of you, and further fuels HER anxious style of interaction with you, which then fuels your further contempt, etc., etc.

A man who is honest and open about where he is in his life, even as a FWB or whatever, while still forming a connection and showing caring, is interpersonally secure. Any woman, who is similarly secure, will understand that it's not an ideal match. She can take it or leave it at that point without taking it personally. I prefer this scenario. I have no interest in being around men who somehow think they're better than me (although I can't really think of a time that this happened). It's a total turn off, despite what trp says. But then, trp seems to promote this dismissive attachment style in men which attracts the type of woman you describe. What a drag! Be honest--attract healthy people. Easy.

[deleted] · 2016-06-17T03:09:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Q4BP: what non-PUA/RP advice would you give a struggling male who's goal is to spin plates while giving as little commitment as possible?
Author	AnUndecidedPill
Upvotes	2
Comments	106
Date	June 17, 2016 1:59 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/4ogz3v/q4bp_what_nonpuarp_advice_would_you_give_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4bp-what-non-puarp-advice-would-you-give-a.274304 https://theredarchive.com/post/274304

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