33 year old former feminist. Am I screwed?

rosesonthefloor · 2020-01-03T15:54:28+00:00

I would highly recommend reading Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It will give you good perspective on what your options are at this point in your life and how you might begin to shift your approach to dating.

Good luck!

kspinner · 2020-01-03T17:16:01+00:00

All of your actions make sense to me, and I'm sorry you've ended up 33 and in this position. My mom was sort of in the same place but never as self-aware about it-- she still says she doesn't understand why fewer men her age wanted to date her when she passed 30. She broke up with her long-term boyfriend when she was in her early 30s, got together with my dad at 34, went off birth control at 36 to see if she could get pregnant (she had never been off birth control or gotten pregnant) and to her luck, it worked out, she and my father got married and had my brother when she was 36 and myself when she was 38. It can work out like this and you can still find someone. There are plenty of men out there who are also looking for someone to settle down with and tired of messing with young women who aren't sure of what they want, and I hope and pray that when you find one you also are able to have healthy children.

trowwayy123 · 2020-01-03T15:10:42+00:00

You can live your life however it fulfills you. I never judged anyone that chose a childfree life. The only thing I tell women is that your fertility will eventually expire and men who desire you as marriage material will also dwindle. Some decline sooner than others but once it’s over there’s no going back.

I would only say you’re screwed when you’re 40 without marriage and children and you’re coming here saying how you regret not having a family of your own. Well, that’s a little too late. But if you have no regrets and continue to enjoy your life as is, then you’re not screwed because you’re doing what makes you happy. Does that make sense?

Manny1400 · 2020-01-03T16:30:46+00:00

No, you are not screwed. Let me speak from example:

I met my wife when I was 29 and she was 33. We met at a swing dancing class, and after having a fun night, she actually gave her phone number to me. I was flattered and surprised (I was a bit shy with women, and was never comfortable asking for numbers in bars, etc.)

So called her up and arranged a date. I met her outside her apartment and she was in a pretty green dress, looking very feminine, like a cute girl from the country. I then thought "wow, it is nice for a girl to actually dress traditionally and not in sweats, ripped jeans, etc."

I discovered that she had a degree from a good school, was an independent consultant, smart and from a good family, pleasant and honest. While she had clearly been enamored with feminism in the past, she wasn't throwing up red flags or hostility. It was clear to me pretty quickly that this was Miss Right, and I didn't care that she was almost 4 years older than me. We've ben married for over 15 years and have two kids.

So as others here have suggested, work on your physical condition and appearance, your femininity, and most of all, make yourself available to men (in the right way)--you don't have time to play games with losers or pass up high-quality guys, and when you do get into a relationship, make sure the guy is vetted and presents a good future to you.

misscleanex · 2020-01-03T15:33:29+00:00

I don't think this is a matter of lowering your standards, it's about managing your expectations and shifting your standards to something practical. I think that maybe the biggest mistake here may be that you didn't know what you wanted until it was gone, and that mistake is so easy to make that it's impractical to beat yourself up over it.

I feel like something similar happened to me, I thought I was moving towards a mutual goal with an ex, and as it turns out I was the only one that had that goal. When things fell apart, I was over 30 and kept moving towards the goal and someone else came along who matches my values much better, so I think that there is still hope for you!

I'm not convinced that you really wanted a family with him, it sounds like there was enough of a values mismatch to split. He was offering you something you wanted, but didn't want that second, and he wanted what he offered you so badly that anyone who was willing to take that offer seemed to fill that role. Honestly I would consider it a bullet dodged. I don't think I could trust a man's leadership if his impulse control was so bad that he woke up and "just picked one" to get the job done. I know there's a lot of assumptions there but that's what it feels like to me. Don't beat yourself up about it.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-01-03T15:17:20+00:00

"omg, I've become this loser old lady fuck what have I done?" But yet, I stayed true to how I was raised.

Why? Sounds like you've consciously realized all of the things you have missed out on due to your belief system, but have not yet accepted it, because despite it failing you, you're "still true" to how you were raised.

for the first time in my life, I want to date with the intention of LTR and it's a weird place for me.

Well, yes. Feminism is inherently selfish. Wanting an LTR can be, but any good, functional LTR MUST be to some degree giving and selfless or it will always fail (unless you marry a no-safe-word masochist).

I take care of myself, physically, financially, emotionally. I have ogod relationships, I'm healthy, I have hobbies. To me, I feel like I'm a matured me with experience and developed tastes and ideas.

And you're single and unhappy. This is all rationalizing your past choices. If you could go back into time to, say, age 21, when you were NOT stable in all those but you had your youth and fertility, and Mr. Right came along, would you have sacrificed or mitigated those in order to get him?

traditional red pill stuff makes me feel like I'm a wrinkly old spinster who pissed away her shot at a family for being autonomous and not wanting to settle on good enough.

And that would be correct. You're never too old to learn and get a life partner. But. If you're looking at kids, you're starting at a strong disadvantage. And your SMV means your odds of finding a guy under 40 are low. But it's possible. The more you make yourself feminine (and not feminist - the two are mostly antithetical) the better your chances.

Truth is, I've never met anyone that I was head over heels in love with

Quite possible; but in my experience it's more likely you were never open enough to be receptive to it. Why do I say this?

My aunt told me "never settle" after being miserably married to her wealthy abusive husband. Anytime anyone ended up accidentally pregnant I just cringed and felt so proud that I had control of my reproductive system.

Because Feminists are almost always judgy, unpleasant narcissists. It's all about them, their rights, their entitlements, without empathy or compassion or compromise. And that doesn't get you a happy, well-adjusted life partner.

I just wanted to travel and set my life up in such a way that I can leave the country for weeks at a time, possibly for work, but have a home base.

This is a dream (not even a reality) where you want freedom and control over your life and body, but without understanding the price. If you're this free, you aren't compromising; you're dictating. This isn't a good foundation for most relationships.

So. To summarize, you've come far but have far to go.

I don't know if I need to lower my standards and surrender to settling or I'm just not cut out for having the love I've conceived of in my head.

To know the answer to this, you have to spell out what that idealized love story is, and then honestly visualize if it's even attainable. Like, literally path out the possible steps to it. Sell me how it's realistic. If it isn't, discard it. If it is, you now have a path to attaining it. Only don't forget to factor in all the other younger, prettier, more feminine women who are competing with you at the same time. What do you bring that they don't? (And if you say a job/independence, I'm going to roll my eyes at you really hard...)

SP3C7RE449 · 2020-01-03T15:13:48+00:00

Hurry up op, you wait any longer and it might become a problem. 33 isn't screwed but its beginning to get close.

valleycupcake · 2020-01-04T04:47:06+00:00

You sound awesome. Fertility wise, yeah you need to get intentional and next anybody who isn’t LTR material. But I don’t think you’re screwed. You just need to remember that, like you, guys in their 30s have lived a little. So vet carefully and keep a list of dealbreakers in mind.

sunflower1920 · 2020-01-03T21:07:21+00:00

I'm going to be honest, you're running out of time. 33 is not too old yet, but its fast approaching. The fertility window absolutely exists, and it doesn't care that you wanted to take a few more years to "find yourself." What's more, is even if you can manage to get pregnant later, that doesn't mean that your baby will be the healthiest version it could be. Everyone knows that your body degrades with age - by 33, I'm sure you can confidently say you had less aches and pains, healed faster, and had a better metabolism and more energy at 23. Well guess what, your baby literally grows in your body. This means that the more degraded your body is due to age, the less healthy the child will be.

Your mother really fucked you over when she told you not to marry until 30. This is feminist propaganda, and you need to reject that, and every other, feminist notion. You've "found yourself" enough. You're about to lose out on your chance to have a happy family. You're need to get real about your position in the dating market: its not great, and you need to work overtime to make up the lost ground. Why should a successful man choose you over someone in their early 20s?

Get off your high horse about dating apps, going to bars, and any other tripe about where high quality men apparently go. You are the judge of a how quality a man is, and that man can be anywhere. You are not in a position to willingly cut down your dating pool.

The whole point of dating apps is to meet in person, where you can read their energy. Arrange a meetup as fast as you can in the app.

Work overtime to demonstrate how much of a great potential wife you could be: be sweet, dress modest but feminine, build him up and use every opportunity to show him your housewife skills (cooking for him, cleaning, helping him relax.)

Good luck

RedPillMissionary · 2020-01-03T16:28:44+00:00

Your mother and aunt have anecdotal advice that doesnt match statistics.

N8TANIEL · 2020-01-04T03:22:48+00:00

Spread the message to as many young women as you can. Men are starved of decent women out here.

Pola_Lita · 2020-01-03T15:29:51+00:00

To me, I feel like I'm a matured me with experience and developed tastes and ideas. I feel like this is the best time to meet someone and settle down but traditional red pill stuff makes me feel like I'm a wrinkly old spinster who pissed away her shot at a family for being autonomous and not wanting to settle on good enough.

I think you'll be getting a lot of responses from those who believe a woman's useful life ends with what they see as her peak physical attractiveness. Be prepared. And keep in mind that RP is like any other theory; take what makes sense and don't bother with what doesn't.

You don't say what it was in your relationship that kept you from having the situation you thought was needed for children but the idea that you found yourself attracted to RP stuff suggests it may have had to do with feeling secure around him. I'd make figuring out the details of what was missing in that relationship a priority and then go from there.

You're offering quality, maturity and intelligence and while those who can appreciate it and offer the same in return aren't common, they do exist. Good luck to you.

trowwayy123 · 2020-01-03T15:49:30+00:00

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Logical_Insurance · 2020-01-03T21:35:16+00:00

Truth is, I've never met anyone that I was head over heels in love with

What does it really mean, to be head over heels in love? I think watching a lot of carefully crafted romantic movies sometimes taints expectations. You can have a wonderful life with a loving partner who supports you, cares for you, and who you find very attractive; but you may not ever feel that magic you expected when you were young.

I don't want to be redundant and I think the other commenters have given you some very good advice. What I would offer is this thought:

Use your ability to be flexible to your advantage. If you can date a potato farmer in the Arctic, you need to be taking advantage of that, and it doesn't seem that you currently are, if you are hoping for in-person "organic" meetings. You will, by definition, never organically meet that Arctic potato farmer. Online dating presents a lot of challenges and, frankly, disgusting aspects; but it is the tool you need right now.

Whisper · 2020-01-03T23:56:25+00:00

What you haven't said is whether you actually want to have children or not.

That particular factor changes a lot of things about how you go forward.

InsanelySaved1010 · 2020-01-04T02:54:34+00:00

You made the right choice. You weren't ready. If they meet all your standards, but don't care about your wants & needs then it's probably not gonna end well.

Green3476 · 2020-01-05T19:33:46+00:00

You’re not screwed. At the same time, you need to dramatically shift your modern attitudes and perceptions in order to get what 99% of people want —a decent marriage, a stable LTR and perhaps a child or two.

One thing that people of ALL cultures did “right” in the past was that they did not expect to be passionately in love with their partner 100% of the time. That expectation is outrageously unrealistic yet we’re taught that we MUST wait for that “soul mate” or else we are a total sellout. If you wait for a soulmate you will wait forever. I second reading “Marry Him,” it really opened my eyes to the lies we are fed by our culture (some explicitly feminist, others just general like the soulmate lie which affects both genders.)

Get intentional and get practical. Don’t do trashy, young dating sites like Bumble or Tinder. Get on Match.com or something that requires a paid subscription; that’s going to help weed out the weirdos, the unemployed and the hookups.

Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Have an open mind and focus on what you do have to offer. As a woman in your 30s you offer more stability, less drama, and more genuine confidence and self-assuredness than a hot young babe of 23. Someone looking to settle down will find that attractive. Focus on compatibility, mutual interests and similar lifestyle. It is NOT too late, and you will be genuinely better off having realistic expectations rather than delusions of feminist grandeur.

Grubman141 · 2020-01-03T16:15:09+00:00

Yeah, biggest comment on this is if kids are something that you want (and you may not now but family is all you've got when you're 60) you're gonna have to take this seriously. I think over 90% of your eggs are gone at 33 and you still have to find someone, settle into a home together and start to try to have kids which can take years especially if you're trying aged 35. There is a point of no return and you need to prioritise this at your age if you don't want to be a lonely old cat lady for the rest of your life. It's not too late but you're definitely getting there.

mikeysixpointsix · 2020-01-03T21:40:00+00:00

You went “monk mode”? Don’t you mean NUN mode? Jk yes I’m assuming your gender!

TheBunk_TB · 2020-01-03T23:20:54+00:00

In the future, try to see how someone else years what you say. It's time to get off the ropes and start boxing.

Banincoming · 2020-01-04T00:11:52+00:00

If you don't want kids, there's no rush, and childfree is a major plus for many men. Almost all your competition will have kids still at home by your age so it's a competitive edge!

If you want kids, time is running out. Fertility rapidly drops off at cliff at 35-40 and 50% of 40 year old women are infertile:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility

cheongzewei · 2020-01-04T04:05:21+00:00

I don't know if I need to lower my standards

Don't fool yourself. You know. Guys don't care about your relationship, hobbies or companionship. They care how hot you look.

Rate yourself on a 1~10 basis on looks. Then pick a guy with the same scale. Remember the hot guys are jerks and the good guys will never look good. Pick your poison.

My advice op? Get a dog. You'll be far happier

trowwayy123 · 2020-01-03T19:26:28+00:00

We all want what we can't have. It's never about wants; it's about needs. You're not screwed. That "wall" bullshit is just that. A confident woman is a sexy woman. Woman are always targeted via insecurities and we gotta buck up against that stuff. You didn't want to be a mother until you could be the best mother, where's the shame in that?? I wish my mother had waited. You're not screwed. You dated a guy who was a few steps ahead in his life plan. That shit happens. Hit the gym buy some moisturizer. You're 30. Not 50. Find a guy and be honest with him. Move as quickly as you're comfortable with. You took time to find yourself and it sounds like you've found yourself! Most people never do, so congratulations! Focus on the positive things. Positivity is to best away to stay young.

cantseemeatall · 2020-01-03T20:42:10+00:00

Listening to others is great for a guide, but only you can know what’s best for you. I had the same situation with my SO...they wanted kids and I wasn’t sure. We discussed this as a dealbreaker, and I eventually I decided I was ok with kids. Looking back, I’m glad I made the decision I did, because I have 2 awesome kiddos.

You’re still young though, and far from screwed. Perhaps this will be the gateway to true bliss for you one day.

pearlsandstilettos · 2020-01-03T22:43:03+00:00

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dine_o_mite · 2020-01-07T07:31:24+00:00

I think you'll be fine. Maybe in a year or two you'll have to start watching how picky you are.

Tight-Diamond · 2020-01-12T16:10:24+00:00

I chose to date for an LTR at 32. I found and vetted a wonderful man and was married less than a year later. I'm now pregnant with our first child. He's incredible and things are as good as I can stand them because I still apply RPW values in our relationship.

It's not ideal to wait until your 30s, but I was honestly committed to the idea that I was going to be a spinster aunt, just like my spinster aunts. I'd had one LTR before, but it was off-and-on. It can work out for some of us, but it's critical that you adjust your expectations to match the reality of your situation.

I got ahold of The Surrendered Single, Getting to I Do, and Fascinating Womanhood. I devoured them. I cultivated hobbies and worked on my fitness and appearance.

It's not totally hopeless. However, you need to get out of the headspace where you rationalize everything and start focusing on what your situation is NOW.

Best of luck ♥️

Zegiknie · 2020-01-03T15:09:41+00:00

To make this as concise of possible GIANT WALL OF TEXT

Will answer later if I ever get through reading the above novel lol

Dancersep38 · 2020-01-03T22:36:49+00:00

[removed]

Title	33 year old former feminist. Am I screwed?
Author	trowwayy123
Upvotes	71
Comments	116
Date	January 3, 2020 2:45 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ejgb7o/33_year_old_former_feminist_am_i_screwed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/33-year-old-former-feminist-am-i-screwed.306393 https://theredarchive.com/post/306393

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