Stop Sexualizing yourself

ThrowRabigdumbdumb · 2020-08-10T21:33:10+00:00

[deleted]

suspended_animation_ · 2020-08-10T22:01:17+00:00

I went through the opposite? I was sexualized in a negative way in my life.. If the makes sense.. "You are ugly/gross" "Who would touch you with a 10 foot pole/even breathe on you." I might need to try to unlearn that I am not gross.. but not by ever trying to overtly sexualize myself if I decide to date again.

willowgrowingroots · 2020-08-10T20:54:38+00:00

Totally not alone in this. Performative sex/iness takes loads of energy that we can focus on our physical joy &/ enjoying the hotness of our partner, rather than being (even more) under the male gaze. Very hard to unlearn though.

hairwashernova · 2020-08-10T22:46:55+00:00

I get this 100%.

For the past year or so, I would post racy photos of me on an app I used because it was the only way I thought I could get a man's attention. As someone who never dated before, never been in a relationship, had a lot of trauma as a kid and always felt ignored by men, it felt... amazing to know that I was wanted by men. For once, I had over a dozen men vying for me and I felt sexy, beautiful and in charge.

But of course it was all in my head. Most of the men were only nice because of my racy photos and they only wanted to sext or hook-up. After my break-up this year with my first boyfriend, I realized that he only saw me as this sexy, hot Asian girl who was kinky and up for anything. He didn't see the real me because I hid behind those photos and because after a while, who I really was was irrelevant to his fantasies.

I went on a down spiral between March and June (after my break-up) when I was trying to find myself again. I was sexting men, having phone sex with strangers and doing things I'm not proud of. It wasn't until a rebound blew up in my face that I realized how much I was punishing myself for my break-up and my childhood trauma. I felt that men didn't like me so in order to make them like me, I had to fit the persona they wanted me to and that's so toxic. I was sexualizing myself even when it felt wrong and disgusting.

I have deleted the app off my phone and I'm working on my way to healing again. Even after a month, I've noticed how different I am compared to the person I was in June. I mean, it's still hard and the feeling (of doing anything to feel wanted) is still there but I know that it'll never accomplish anything but be seen as an easy mark for LVM.

Funny enough, right after my mind shift, I reconnected with a guy I had been chatting with last year but lost contact with after I started dating my ex-boyfriend. He has seen those racy photos of me (last year) but never commented on them. He had been polite and respectful for the month we were chatting. Our conversations now have been mostly about our lives, dreams and goals and every day things. I was just telling my sister the other day that I've never had a "normal" conversation with a man before that didn't revolve around sex or being sexualized. So this is new to me, as sad as that sound.

One thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to go back to my old ways.

2020-08-11T00:04:05+00:00

This put into words something I've been processing for awhile.

When I came out to myself, I had a realization that my attraction to women was not packaged in the same way as "male attraction" to women. Like, lingerie ads don't do it for me. I'd never look at a woman in the street and just see some body parts and get turned on. I don't work like that.

It's totally different when it's a woman I'm already close to and find attractive inside and out.

So, I really believe there is a serious benefit to starting out platonically. Not playing up the super sexiness right away with a guy. He can tell you're hot as hell even with a flowy top, long skirt, and minimal makeup. Obviously you can dress however you want, you shouldn't have to dress like a nun to get a man's respect, but I really think there are two different kinds of sexual attraction, and one is much more comfortable than the other.

I feel like this comment only makes sense to me but I'm not sure how to word this 😅

elsalinneakarlberg · 2020-08-10T21:00:38+00:00

As a university student this is definitely something that I have to apply.. so hard though!

2020-08-10T23:51:29+00:00

Sometimes I will make sexual jokes.... really need to stop doing this.

AverageToHot · 2020-08-10T23:07:09+00:00

When it comes to men, it's best to tone down your sex appeal and to not be overly sexual (heavy makeout sesh, sex before an exclusive relationship) because that's how you filter out men who aren't serious about you. Present them your down-to-earth self where you show off more of your personality and intelligence. If he can't love who you are as a person inside, he needs to go. I used to dress pretty sexily before because being glamorous used to be my style, but I think now, I'll be leaning more towards dressing more conservatively while still being feminine through accessorizing and wearing heels. I have a lot of things going on for me and I want a man to focus on that instead of him sexualizing my looks.

minty-coral · 2020-08-11T00:50:09+00:00

I’m so happy you shared this and you’re most definitely not alone! I’ve only recently begun to not sexualize myself and moving through the world as a human being rather than an object, and it feels kinda weird because I’m not used to it. Non sexual male attention is different and feels very nice in a wholesome way.

speechnerdlife · 2020-08-11T02:20:35+00:00

It has become so common to me for a man to only make comments about his attraction to me based on the physical that I didn't know what to do with myself when presented with a man who did not sexualize me.

This reminds me of that movie with Anna Farris where she plays a woman who was a playboy model. She goes to college to teach the nerdy girls how to get guys by being sexy, but then she meets this great guy who didn’t care about her appearance. He was different from the other guys and she didn’t know how to react.

I’m paraphrasing and I forgot the name of the movie. Something “Bunny”. Lol.

Edit.

fiercefinance · 2020-08-11T01:56:13+00:00

This is spot on. Lockdown this year has meant I'm way less glam than usual. Grey hair showing, leggings every day, no makeup. And yet (now things have opened up again) I've met someone who doesn't care about this stuff at all, and never comments on my body in a sexual way. At first it was weird because guys are always like 'oh your ass is amazing" etc. Now I realise it's because it's only one part of what he likes. Weird at first but very refreshing!

s_slayer · 2020-08-11T05:32:35+00:00

I’ve been seeing someone for almost two months now and he basically told me I didn’t need to keep acting sexy, I mean I think he picked up on that was my whole sense of self worth in my life. He just wants me to know that I don’t have to play that role for him. I’ve never had more intense or better sex with someone in my life. He always makes love to me, not just sex, he gets emotional and he stays connected to me the whole time. It’s really been hard to grasp that a man loves me this much and it is so down to earth and not drooling over T&A. I did find myself a real special guy. I wish you lots of happiness with yours! ❤️

jayda92 · 2020-08-11T11:15:53+00:00

You're so right. I would wear skirts that where technically belts. Low v necks while I rock a 70F cup. I thought men really liked that.

I discovered the hard way that if you put yourself in display like that, you only get LVM, NVM and abuse on your path..

libralia · 2020-08-11T14:04:04+00:00

growing up in a pornified culture Gail Dines (triggering)

I grew up with an absent alcoholic father and an emotionally and mentally absent mother. I was molested and harassed as a child.

I was so desperate to be on my own and to be loved I’ll admit I was a pickmeshia. It is unfortunate that I am also married and have children with a porn addict.

Now that I have children, girls at that, I am having to reparent myself while parenting them. I wish I would’ve repaired the damage from my childhood sooner.

chateauduchat · 2020-08-11T14:47:54+00:00

In a hyper-sexualized world, it’s easy to mistake gentlemanliness for disinterest.

Hope things go well!

reeesushisauce69 · 2020-08-10T21:51:45+00:00

That’s a good point. I also think its okay to express your sexuality, but as long as it’s for you. Don’t perform for someone else, whether it’s in bed or in what clothes your wear/ how you act. If you’re doing it for you, you’ll enjoy it and won’t feel the pressure to be someone you’re not.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-08-11T11:51:49+00:00

Great post! Definitely not alone, I see so many young women do it now. And I’ve done it myself, my whole life. You’re very self-reflective to be able to see this in yourself and articulate it so well.

BassHigher · 2020-08-11T09:26:36+00:00

Dudes who like you in pajamas are the best dudes.

tw231116 · 2020-08-11T09:22:33+00:00

My fiancé said he was attracted to me because I could hold an intelligent conversation, and because I didn't throw myself at him or flirt with him right away. The sex with him is the best ever. Patience pays off, ladies.

Hindm · 2020-08-11T00:17:53+00:00

This is an awesome post. Exactly what I needed to read today.

I know it's so difficult to change the way things are wired in your brain, but it's worth the effort.

ThrowRabigdumbdumb · 2020-08-15T02:54:12+00:00

In my experience wearing skin tight clothing even if it is a sweater and jeans is sexual to men. If I wear red lipstick it is sexual. A short dress is sexual. They treat me like an object when I look sexy at all. I am trying to figure out how to dress in a way that I like and that is not making the man see me as an object. Two male acquaintances (years apart who don’t know each other) who I think are decent men, told me that I shouldn’t wear what I was planning on wearing to my date. Once I was wearing a cute dress and once I was wearing a cute but revealing tank top and shorts. They didn’t really explain themselves but one told me to go in my work clothing and the other told me to wear a plain T-shirt. I think they thought I looked too sexual in anything attractive and would get the wrong attention.

Title	Stop Sexualizing yourself
Author	ThrowRabigdumbdumb
Upvotes	412
Comments	54
Date	August 10, 2020 8:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i7cms8/stop_sexualizing_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/stop-sexualizing-yourself.67190 https://theredarchive.com/post/67190

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