There are a lot of women here who either were or still are into kink and have trouble breaking away from the lifestyle and mindset. There are usually a multitude of reasons as to why this might be the case, like:

  • So-called Vanilla sex feels boring after the highs and lows of kink / past or existing trauma bonds to partners prevent sexual enjoyment for vanilla sex
  • Strong social ties to a BDSM group or "scene"
  • The development of a fetish, a paraphilia that requires the presence of an act/dynamic/object/etc in order for a person to orgasm
  • Pornsickness, porn addiction, "growing up" with porn as a child or adolescent (thus warping one's idea of what healthy sexuality is and should be)
  • The influence of sex-positive, liberal feminism that centers male sexual pleasure
  • Fears that men only want kinky or pornlike sex aka the fear of lowered sexual market value (SMV), or the fear that vanilla sex can't compete with the allure of kinky/pornlike sex and that you'll be left because of it
  • Lingering trauma issues from past rape and/or childhood sexual abuse and/or domestic abuse
  • Pickmeisha tendencies, where you set aside your own wants/needs/desires to please (and keep) a man
  • Internalized misogyny and/or severe issues with gendered stereotypes, particularly for submissive women.

There are more, of course, but those are the major ones. If you're here at FDS, you've probably started to question your involvement in kink and are wondering how to break away, or wondering if it's even possible to do so. A life with "only" so-called vanilla sex may sound completely off-putting if you've been into kink and BDSM for awhile. But I'm here to tell you there's light at the end of the tunnel! Sex without violence, degradation, or humiliation can actually be enjoyable and fulfilling! However, it's going to take some work, perhaps a lot of work, to cultivate a healthier sexuality.

Here are some basic steps to start the journey:

  • Critically examine your own interest in BDSM. Understanding why you were initially drawn to kink/BDSM and why you continue to engage in it is crucial to breaking away. Ask yourself what you get out of it, and why is a certain act pleasurable to you? Is it because the trauma-bonding (often deemed "after care" in the scene) makes you feel safe and loved? Are you trying to process past unresolved trauma? Do you think that, deep down, women really are meant to be subservient to men? This step requires a lot of self-reflection and the courage to be completely honest with yourself. It can also take a lot of time to work through, because you may not know right away, and there may be several factors that contribute.
  • Remember that healthy love and sex does not include violence, period. I would argue that you cannot truly love someone and commit an act of violence against them, even if they asked for it and find "pleasure" in it. High value men and women don't get off on causing physical harm or humiliating or degrading their partner. If someone claims to love you and yet can inflict violence in the bedroom then they have the ability to severely compartmentalize their feelings and emotions, which is a huge red flag in and of itself, because they can shut off parts of their emotional selves like a switch when the situation calls for it.
  • Stop watching porn (if you do) and stop orgasming to kink and bdsm fantasies. Orgasms are very powerful conditioning tools. If you've spent a long time getting off to unhealthy sexual stimuli, then healthy sex isn't going to feel as exciting. You have to first stop using the same fantasies/stimuli, and explore other options, where the sexual content is free of degradation and violence. This might take a long time, because you have to rewire your brain and its associations with sex.
  • Seek therapy and assistance for unresolved trauma. If you know you've got issues that you need to work on, then seek out a reputable therapist with expertise in the particular issue you're dealing with. Don't be afraid to "shop around" until you find the right fit. Also consider going to support groups and/or reading books that deal with your specific trauma.
  • Disengage with the kink community. Delete your FetLife profile, stop visiting message boards or other online sites, stop going to meetups, and if your friends in the community aren't supportive of you getting out (and you can't sustain a friendship without ever talking about kink again), cut them loose. Those who remain in kink circles tend to get very defensive about people who leave the community, and they may try to coax you back in or try to fight you on your reasons for leaving. You don't need that, so move on and mourn the losses if you have to.

Remember, no one has to stay a Kinkmeisha! Sex can be fun and fulfilling without kink, but it will probably take awhile before it does. But do the work and you'll get there.