How long should you wait before opening up about deeply personal things?

Jumpingonair · 2020-04-23T03:17:40+00:00

I would say not before actually being in a full on exclusive committed relationship. Before then you’re just hanging out and eating.

Nearby-Armadillo · 2020-04-23T02:29:37+00:00

I never tell a man my trauma. Ever. That's what therapists are for.

If you tell a man your trauma he'll use it against you, use it against the next woman, or use it to masturbate.

Sekina7 · 2020-04-23T16:37:25+00:00

Honestly ? NEVER save that for your therapist . There is a reason why revenge men is big business , mainly perpetrated by men . Also as predators, men see a lot of things we would like to confide in them about as weakness , same way they see niceness as weakness and will use it as a excuse to demote , degrade or use against you when things are not going their way.

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-04-23T03:41:21+00:00

Embarrassing and commonplace but harmless things/childhood stories, ok. Minor stuff like maybe you made a funny flub at work or ripped your pants on a nail after jumping off the auditorium stage in high school (me). Unpopular but harmless opinions (like you love anchovies or pineapple on your pizza) are fine to admit.

But your "number", any history of trauma, sex and abuse of any kind, gross habits, anything involving men (especially ones you're not related to), anything you'd tell your mom, therapist or besite or wouldn't want anyone to know? Eternity. Don't let him know what you were brave enough to endure or dumb enough to tolerate bc they absolutely WILL use it against you.

throw_away_2071 · 2020-04-23T06:09:20+00:00

Specific question. I’m a widow. We were divorcing. It was tragic. All around awkward. I’ve struggled with how to very briefly explain this without my dates running or wanting to know more. I sorta feel like they imagine I keep a shrine or I’m damaged. But I simply need to convey I have no co parent, but I was married when I had my children.

AyemHerself · 2020-04-23T03:03:48+00:00

If it's about an ex, I don't see the point in ever sharing. Nobody likes hearing their partner complain about exes. Or rave about them.

Even in the context of abuse triggers, you're better off framing it as "I'm not comfortable with XYZ, here are my boundaries." A HVM will respect this without exhaustive cOmMuNiCaTiOn.

AS123x · 2020-04-23T04:11:59+00:00

Trauma is to be shared with your therapist and close female friends (if you so choose). Unless it directly effects him or your relationship, there’s no need to tell him.

wildcardwitch · 2020-04-23T02:50:35+00:00

I think it depends on the content of these personal things. My general rule is, if I really see it going somewhere serious I will share personal things, so 4-6 months. No reason to share anything before that, and after that it really depends on what it is you are sharing, how you feel about sharing, and what level of openness you want and need in a relationship.

Meccha_me_2 · 2020-04-23T14:40:27+00:00

The only time I share (VERY rare) or want to hear about baggage is if it impacts the relationship directly. Otherwise, that stuff is for therapy.

circescircus · 2020-04-23T15:28:21+00:00

You can talk about little disappointments or heartbreaks after you've finished screening and have a legitimate, genuine high value relationship. But something really dark? Honestly? Only if you completely trust him with your life and mind. And even then, why? Ask yourself why you feel the need to talk about it with him. If you've addressed a trauma, you'd have discussed it with a therapist. What do you have to gain from telling him?

I don't believe that your traumas define you, that you need to disclose them to every Tom, Dick and Harry in order to be accepted or fully seen. If something really bad happened to you, I am sorry, but please remember that this information is something you should only share with a mental health professional, or with those who you trust with your life. Some people can't even talk about serious traumas with their own parents or siblings, let alone with random people they barely know.

vowelsareimportant · 2020-04-23T19:18:58+00:00

I have a question in regards to this. I know we are supposed to be vague about exes and not talk about them or the trauma they caused but I’m divorced and I have a small child. Men generally want to know why we divorced, how long I’ve been divorced, my custody agreement, how old my kid was when we separated, etc.

How do I broach these topics without sharing what were low value behaviors/abuse that I tolerated before but won’t tolerate now? I can’t really say something vague like “we just weren’t compatible” like with a normal breakup as I think that makes the decision to divorce sound frivolous, when it’s anything but.

2020-04-23T10:52:10+00:00

personally, i'm very upfront about my ptsd due to sexual trauma as i still get panic attacks and i want the other person to know what's up and what to do in order to help.

i'm very open about it and i refuse to let it be used against me. the slightest sign of not believing me, questioning my actions after it, not immediately stopping to touch me after i say no (i test that before getting anywhere near something serious)? i'm out, bye.

i do understand that's not for everyone. if it were other stuff, maybe i'd keep it to myself, too. but this is how it works best for me.

SuchBarracuda · 2020-04-27T17:48:33+00:00

never give someone ammo for their weapons to use later.. you will end up shot in the back.

Title	How long should you wait before opening up about deeply personal things?
Author	Chickenpastalover
Upvotes	36
Comments	37
Date	April 23, 2020 2:17 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g6eh7t/how_long_should_you_wait_before_opening_up_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-long-should-you-wait-before-opening-up-about.677738 https://theredarchive.com/post/677738

Comments

If you tell a man your trauma he'll use it against you, use it against the next woman, or use it to masturbate.