Premise

In healthy relationships, there's a constant giving and receiving. We each do our best to make the other happy and in turn, our spouse does the same for us. When we each invest 100% into the other, we'll have a happy marriage. The key is to provide what the spouse needs from us, which isn't necessarily the same as what we need from them.

Some people are dysfunctional or abusive and aren't capable of having a healthy, reciprocal adult relationship. It is not regarding these people that I write this post.

Several months ago, u/girlwithabike wrote a series of posts on the book for women only. I highly recommend reading the book as well as her posts on the book for a more in depth discussion on what will be presented here.

Step one - feed his ego

Men are human doings. One of the drawbacks of this is that men feel no self worth if they aren't accomplishing something and/or useful to someone. If you have a husband, he has a core need to feel useful and to be admired for his skills and usefulness.

A major area of expression for this deep seated need is the realm of finances. He needs to feel like his work is keeping the family afloat and that this is appreciated and admired by his wife. Conversely, being taken for granted or criticized for his accomplishments and hard work, will chip away at his sense of self worth and bring misery to his life. If you engage in this, he will have less and less desire to be around you.

Same applies for smaller things. He cut the grass or shoveled the snow? Express your gratitude to him for doing so. Extra points if you do so in public. His love for you will grow with each compliment and each criticism or nagging is like another wound that will distance him from you.

Step two - keep his balls empty

Men don't enjoy talking as much as women do. Men bond with each other over physical activities. Likewise, he may engage in lengthy conversation with you because that's what you need, but what he needs is to connect with you regularly through touch. Affectionate touch, sensual touch, sexual touch. Buildup is wonderful, as long as he isn't left hanging with pent up sexual tension.

Example - greet him at the door when he comes home from work. Spend a few minutes hugging and kissing him, groping and making out. Occasionally greet him in lingerie. Then settle him to relax while you get back to cooking supper. This will make him feel incredibly desired.

Ask any man for the number one reason he agreed to get married and they'll probably tell you - to have a steady supply of sex. Men express love through sex and sex exponentially increases his love for you. If he feels sexually desired by you, he will feel like a million dollars. This can only benefit you.

Furthermore, men are highly visual. The enjoyment of looking at you and being able to show you off cannot be underestimated. An ejaculation is cheap and he doesn't need you for that. He needs you for the desire, the sexual dance, the sexual bonding and yes, also the visuals.

You may look at your imperfect body and think that there's nothing to see here so why bother trying to look sexy or elegant. The famous (or infamous) okcupid study showed us that men are very charitable with regards to a woman's looks. Men aren't that rigid. If you make an effort to stay in shape and look good for him, to desire him sexually and to have an active sex life - you'll succeed because he's likely far less judgmental and far more forgiving than your female friends are.

Step three - keep his stomach full

Many people underestimate the importance of cooking for your husband. Can't he make his own damn sandwich is an oft heard trope. Yes. He sure can make his own sandwich and he could eat alone too, but that's not the point.

When you cook for him and eat together with him whenever possible, you'll bond with him in a deep, emotional, non sexual level that's extremely important for a marriage. You'll cause him to feel important and cared for and this will go a long way.

By extension of this idea is keeping the house neat and clean and a warm friendly environment.

Conclusion

These three simple but powerful steps are a great new years resolution to make your marriage great again.

  • To keep his ego fed.
  • To keep his balls empty.
  • To keep his stomach full.

Cheers!