What about when your dad is a LVM?

Averyhvw · 2020-07-23T23:41:19+00:00

🤷‍♀️ For me, my dad’s a NVM and a narcissist, so basically I just pretend like I don’t have one. It sucks, but what can you do?

redbirdflies · 2020-07-23T23:43:50+00:00

The same with anyone else who is toxic in your life, cut them out of your life. If that’s not possible, limit your exposure as much as possible

If your dad is just a lazy lvm who doesn’t put much effort into his relationship with you, there’s not much point in you making the effort to change that because, as we know, most lvms do not change. No need to cut him out of your life if he’s not a persistent and toxic presence, but no need to exert energy to change that.

However, If he’s a net negative, it’s not worth keeping him in your life. Same goes for every other relationship you have.

GenerousD-mensions · 2020-07-24T00:34:28+00:00

I cut my NVM alcoholic narc dad off completely 5 years ago after he claimed my (then recently deceased) mother had "brainwashed" me against him because I'd finally worked up the nerve to confront him about abusing me as a kid. No big loss! 🤷‍♀️

mouthyhousewife · 2020-07-24T01:15:31+00:00

This is a hard one. My dad displays traits from both HVM and LVM. He always puts my mom first. He does things for her without her having to ask. He will wake up at 5 am mid winter to brush snow off her car and shovel the driveway. He always makes sure she has money in her account so she can buy something if she sees anything she likes whenever she goes out. He gets her beautiful gifts even when she says she doesn’t want anything. But he is also really mean when he gets mad. He’s emotionally abusive towards me, still, as an adult. He belittles and degrades me for silly things just because he gets mad. And he treats my my mom, my kids and my siblings kids the same way. But then he’ll turn around and fill my tank up with gas for no reason or something thoughtful like that. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my dad my whole life.

VioletRomantic · 2020-07-24T01:35:19+00:00

Every single thing. My dad isn't just a LVM, he's a straight up NVM. I'm estranged from my family now, because they are all wildly abusive people, but growing up with him was really scarring.

Was constantly abusive. Physically, verbally, financially. Almost all of my early childhood memories are violent ones. Him and my mother getting into fist fights. Him screaming in my face about what a retard I was for not folding towels his preferred way when I was like 8. Him forcing my brother and I to fight each other until we were bruised and bloody for his entertainment. Dragging me by my hair through the house when I tried to run away. Choking me out in front of my friends at my own birthday party. Ive really never known what safety in my own home felt like.
Couldn't get or keep a job for years. He was unemployed for like 6 years. He said he was always looking for stuff, but honestly all I really saw was him playing video games and smoking weed all day. We always struggled financially growing up. I was never able to save any money because anything I got that I didn't spend immediately would be ransacked to pay the mortgage, electric, or water. Growing up my parents never really provided us with a lot of basic things like toiletries or Healthcare. But we absolutely always had money for him to smoke a few packs of cigarettes a week and get high every day.
Hes a racist. The absolutely disgusting things he has said about POC who were just walking down the street.... I was always so ashamed to bring my friends around him because I knew it was just a matter of time before he would say something disgustingly bigoted.
He didn't want to be a father to begin with. I grew up with him constantly telling me never to have kids, that it was the worst thing anyone could ever do and it would completely ruin my life. When I was really young I don't think it sunk in that he was saying those things because he hated being my dad, and by association hated me. And by the time I was old enough to understand I had internalized it so badly that I just accepted it and didn't feel as hurt or insulted as I should have. He wanted to be around other peoples kids, though. He spent 6 nights a week for years coaching pop Warner and high-school football. He would go out of his way to show his players how much he loved and cared about them, but I dont think he ever once told me he loved me growing up. I think the first time he said it to me was in a text message when I was like 24 and had moved out.
He has no respect for women in general, but he especially does not respect my mother. Shes an awful person in her own right, but he will take any chance he gets to blame her, belittle her, yell at her, fight her, etc. I am absolutely sure he has cheated on her multiple times. The only time he's ever seemed to remotely even like her was when she was going through treatment for breast cancer, and even that was tepid at best.
Absolutely and intentionally destroyed my confidence for his own amusement. He made me extremely paranoid because he would hide and watch me though windows or cracks in doors for periods of time, scare me, and then make fun of me for whatever I was doing. He would let me know he thought I was fat and ugly. Anything that I found joy in was something he would mock mercilessly until I was too ashamed to ever touch it again. Any friends I made would be mocked after they left. He took a lot of joy I think in tearing me down from the beginning.

I've never really had any kind of HVM in my life as a role model. So my go to is to just try to find someone as unlike him as possible. Unfortunately the bar started out basically nonexistent, so trying to build up a set of standards when the most youve ever wanted was "doesnt beat and scream at me all the time" is hard.

Lurkinglarkspur · 2020-07-24T01:11:20+00:00

He's an LVM. Congratulations me, I now have a stock template of what NOT to look for in a man. If a guy has familiar attitudes and behaviors, time to evaluate- if he reminds me of my godfather or grandfather, green flags. If any other male family member, do not pass go, ghost immediately.

This is not to say he's a terrible person; he's always been gainfully employed, he's done well making sure he and my mother will be comfortable in retirement. He loves me in his own way. But he doesn't contribute to their home and his world revolves around what he can see from his recliner. I don't want that. It's not enough.

annamae602 · 2020-07-24T01:30:58+00:00

My father is a NVM with such a deranged madonna/wh@re complex and porn addiction that when I started to grow up, his mind imploded because I wasn’t his mother nor a woman he could fuck! So he decided to neglect, gaslight and emotionally abuse me, essentially treating me the way he treated my poor mother because his scrote brain couldn’t emotionally process having a daughter. Having a NVM/LVM father hurts in a different and especially horrendous way.

My mother, sister and I are all free of him now and beginning to build our own lives. This sub gave definition to my trauma, validated my experience and helped me to heal from ending my relationship with my father. I shared all of this info with my mom, and she loves it! She shared it with all of her divorced friends and they talk about it all the time and are thriving!!

So basically if your dad is a LVM, this sub can help you process and heal from past trauma while preparing you for healthy future interactions with the HVM destined for your future! Much love to you!!

thaiteabbys · 2020-07-24T06:47:27+00:00

My father is a LVM / narc. Yeah sure he works hard , pays some bills and insurances, does some work around the house. But he could’ve a lot more. Could’ve gone to college and gotten a better job that isn’t so physical. He’s smart and has the brains but I don’t know what’s stopping him. It’s never too late to further your education , even if you immigrated. My bus101 class had a 60 year old lady in it and she was working as a manager at a fast food place while getting her degree.

He is verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive. Used to be physically abusive.

When my brother and I were younger, he would get angry at us and go to the kitchen and take out the knife and stomp towards us and practically threaten / point the knife at us. Or hold a chair over us like he was going to drop it on us. He used (sometimes) drag my brother out of the house , onto the street. Or kick him. I feel like because he was a boy and “got into more trouble” than I did , he got the worse end of it and he got treated like shit more than I did. Yet now that my little brother is a little older he still says he loves every time before he goes to bed.

Has a very short temper (I feel like I’m walking on eggshells) , not very patient , doesn’t like it when you disagree with him or have different views/opinions.

Literally cannot talk to him when he’s angry or it fuels the fire.

Close minded.

Not very supportive.

This one time I organized a bunch of family photos into an album and he looked through it and said to me “I don’t like it.” For no reason. What do you mean you don’t like it ?? Sorry not sorry I organized the family pictures nicely into an album. Another time (yes I’m still a little salty about this considering I could’ve done more in hs and added this to my college application) , he wouldn’t let me play tennis or try out for cheer. I really wanted to try out for cheer , one it’s mostly girls and they all seemed nice and it seemed fun. I regret not trying out this year (my senior year) for cheer since it’s my last year and I was going to ask but I felt like he was going to say no. Last time I asked he got mad and wouldn’t tell me why. I kept bugging him and he got mad and told me “move out and pay for it on your own”. I’m sure my mom would’ve let me but of course she has to agree with my Lvd. It’s always “you know how your dad is” 🙄 I think she could’ve done better and I think she settled. I think she saw he was a hard worker, doesn’t party or drink. But he’s 10 years older than her. He isn’t a big gift person but he hasn’t gotten anything for her , Valentine’s Day, birthday, anniversary. He also didn’t support my mom when she started taking interest into this one thing she likes. I also feel that she started to pick up on some of his actions (if that makes sense). Sometimes when she gets mad , she screams and shouts really loud to try to make her point. Which I feel like she eventually picked that up from my dad. Honestly, I’m starting to see my brother pick up some of my lvd tendencies and actions. Which is concerning. I , myself, am trying to be more conscious of my actions , how I react, my thoughts, my thought process.

I could probably say more but I think you get the gist. There’s a lot more that happened in my childhood that I just don’t remember because they were simply terrible memories. I didn’t have a good father figure. I didn’t have one of those HV father or one that spent time with his daughter. Never showed me how a guy should treat me. His dad was an alcoholic , gambled, never supported his family. So I never saw him because his family stopped talking to his dad. My moms dad died when she was younger. My whole family is halfway across the world. So yeah, no good father figure apparent in my life. I get how he turned out and how he is makes sense but that doesn’t excuse it. He thinks just because he supports the family and provides that it’s okay and that’s all. It’s more than though. Being a good father and HV father requires more. Not just the bare minimum.

And he wonders why I act so cold and distant towards him. It makes me scared to date and I don’t really want to date. Guys can put on a mask and put an act up just to get what they want. One friend of mine said to me “oh you just have to wait until you find the right guy that treats you right.” I don’t know... it’s scary out there. Because of what I experienced in my childhood , I feel like I’m going to have trouble dating. My guard is always up, I’m not going to trust you right away etc. I also hate people that loud unnecessarily and I don’t like being around people when they’re mad. It’s complicated. I don’t know maybe I’m just being delusional. I’m still trying to process (with what happened to me in my childhood but I’ve stuffed it all down so it seems normal) but I just can’t. Men just scare me. Boys, guys. They all do.

I just realized how much of a lvd he was after 17 years and I have a lot of baggage I have to unpack when I go see a therapist. That is when I move out.

Eat_Pant_b0ss · 2020-07-24T01:09:25+00:00

Cut him off. No cap. You'll feel better, I definitely did

MACMUA · 2020-07-24T14:20:01+00:00

My dad is too. Both my parents are LVM. They both abandoned me and my sisters when I was little.

It’s created so much animosity as an adult. I love my parents but more like a friend not like a parent. It’s their own fault.

virtualreality_3 · 2020-07-24T18:27:21+00:00

It depends what you mean by LVM. In my experience, having an emotionally abusive father ruined my perception of what is 'nice' and I allowed people to speak to me terribly and guilt me via gaslighting before wisening up.

For me it's a motivation to never depend on a man because those years where I was dependent on him to have a roof over my head was when he treated me the worst, made me feel I was incapable of doing things on my own, it was very toxic. As soon as I could leave he dialled that behaviour back entirely because it registered to him that I simply wouldn't talk to him unless he was pleasant. So having the power to walk away is really invaluable.

It's still confusing because he does have some HVM traits but there is no excuse to talk to someone like they are garbage.

So I would say maybe identify behaviour you think is normal that you put up with from him and seek to make boundaries around that.

zagreus8me · 2020-07-24T14:05:54+00:00

My father is a HVM. Which is why I was sick when I realised I was with an LVM narc for so many years. But looking at my Nex I realise his father is an NVM.

Title	What about when your dad is a LVM?
Author	strainedcrow
Upvotes	45
Comments	25
Date	July 23, 2020 11:07 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hwqa1s/what_about_when_your_dad_is_a_lvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-about-when-your-dad-is-a-lvm.716995 https://theredarchive.com/post/716995

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