If you keep explaining and nothing changes, it's not going to get better. He's dedicated to not putting effort in.

Platipus6 · 2020-12-17T07:14:46+00:00

I've noticed this a LOT in the relationship forums, and even here. It's universal. "I explain, he says he'll try, I get a crumb, he goes back to the same thing a week later, I wait, I explain, he says he'll try..."

It's different to the cycle of abuse where he's noticeably and actively doing the exploding and escalating. The cycle of neglect causes women to explode and leads to intense shame and confusion, feeling like the abuser, and feelings of worthlessness for having to beg for the bare minimum, while he assures you he loves you.

Men who don't believe they should have to reciprocate anything within a relationship, or treat women with respect, at all, use deliberate neglect and withholding tactics. The relationship is toxic, one way and draining. He does nothing but take and you do all the giving. You're on a rollercoaster of hoping, waiting, feeling angry and worthless, exploding, explaining, being lied to, being breadcrumbed, and then relieved, and then disappointed again.

Neglect

You can't put your finger on it. Technically he's a good guy because he doesn't do anything wrong. But he doesn't do anything right.

You feel like an object on a shelf he picks up when he wants, and expects you to wait patiently while he's gone.

Never reciprocates, never does little acts of love, care, consideration or respect on his own.

He withholds your pleasure in bed. He knows how, you've done a powerpoint presentation on it. He's just a selfish asshole.

Mental load and task dumping. Just sits there or scoots away while there's housework/childcare to be done or when you have your period or a cold.

Feigned incompetence (relationship and housework)

Feigned ignorance

Sabotage - he deliberately messes up tasks, gifts, Birthdays, Anniversaries, causes delays and ruins your sleep or picks a fight before an important event.

Never gives you full attention, eg. On laptop, gaming, scrolling, watching "the game".

You feel exhausted, drained and unheard after being with him. You go out with women friends to feel energized.

He uses deliberate ghosting or stonewalling as punishment. He has excuses and reasons to blame you when he's back.

You feel relieved and grateful that he 'finally returned to you' but the absences last longer.

Every week is a new issue. He finally gives foreplay, but stops picking up his clothes. He finally washes dishes but starts coming home at 10pm to avoid childcare. He's punishing you for having to put in effort and hoping to drive you crazy juggling fifteen areas of deliberate neglect. To make you feel like you're asking too much.

What he says

I didn't know you wanted that, didn't know that's what you meant, wasn't sure, didn't want to mess it up, afraid of disappointing you (explain it to me again? You failed to explain it just right last cycle :)

Just ask

I forgot

You didn't give me time, I was just about to

I just need 5 minutes to relax

I just don't know how to do romantic stuff, you're so much better at relationship stuff, can't you do it, I'll get it wrong, how do you do that? (Incompetence mixed with praise. Disgusting manipulation tactic. You've expressed that no, you don't want to, you're exhausted, or you want him to want to, he wheedles that you're so good at it to guilt/praise you into doing it).

What, I was just out with the boys, I need a break from your nagging.

I feel like I can never do anything right so I just don't try, you don't appreciate me.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong

“Every week is a new thing with you, I can't do anything right” :( (Because it is, and he can't!)

What she says to justify it

(If she's using his language, she's deep in the cycle of neglect)

He's inexperienced, he's busy, he forgot, he's been hurt before, his parents weren't good role models, I suppose I am a nag, I'm asking too much, I'm not perfect either, how can I explain it so he gets it?

dkwantsdk · 2020-12-17T08:23:46+00:00

Reading this, I realize how lucky my husband is that I didn't discovery FDS sooner. He breadcrumbed me for years and didn't change until I was done and ready to leave. Can't tell you yet whether it has been worth the second chance. He is on notice and I'm fully awake.

Twolipz_78 · 2020-12-17T14:38:01+00:00

Can someone explain to me the feeling you get after you have been with him all day and there was hugging, kissing (sometimes intimacy you had to almost always initiate) and talking also interspersed with periods of waiting for him in the truck while he checked job sites and you still feel like you haven’t seen or been with him like at all?

What is that? Or when you’re riding with him and cuddled up but still feel a longing and think to yourself “where is he?” and you don’t know who he is.

i_said_what_i_said_ · 2020-12-17T09:07:51+00:00

The “when you, I feel” statement is properly triggering. When they don’t give a shit, CoMuNiCaTiNg isn’t going to change a damn thing. Literally the only thing you can do is walk.

AllTheBeanToes · 2020-12-17T15:32:47+00:00

That's literally my Mom's relationship with my stepfather. The cyclical fights and explosions, breadcrumbing until the cycle of neglect and gaslighting starts all over again. Everytime she has one foot out the door he throws her some mediocre breadcrumbs and she decides to stay while mumbling how this is the last time Sigh

ChocolateBiscuit96 · 2020-12-17T18:51:35+00:00

I said something one time and he literally disregarded my feelings. So, he owns a business and said he couldn’t always make time because this is a busy season for him in terms of work. He wanted me to wait for and bear with him until things slowed down so he could take me out properly. But yet, he has time to go to the gym 7 days a week for at least an hour. All we did was text for a month and I got tired of it and became bored, now he’s mad at me. I have no interest in waiting around for a man, especially when he’s still on tinder lmao.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2020-12-17T10:51:51+00:00

So glad this diagram exists. A relationship starts being a one sided man-serving effort when you find yourself telling him to do basic stuff, stuff even a child knows. When it comes to "pick the pile of dirty shorts from the bathroom floor" it's over.

tauredi · 2021-03-02T16:35:17+00:00

Holy. Shit.

Title	If you keep explaining and nothing changes, it's not going to get better. He's dedicated to not putting effort in.
Author	Platipus6
Upvotes	385
Comments	27
Date	December 17, 2020 6:44 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kesaqw/if_you_keep_explaining_and_nothing_changes_its/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/if-you-keep-explaining-and-nothing-changes-its-not.731067 https://theredarchive.com/post/731067

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