Is this normal in the US?

thisisRio · 2018-06-19T11:33:27+00:00

Create an expensive report, find out about the loans (interest rate), salary of typical physicist, rent, utilities, just all the expenses. Then draw that out over 4 years and how long it would take to make a return on your “investment.” You’ll find out if it’s worth it.

KittenLoves_ · 2018-06-19T11:34:31+00:00

Is he currently working?

No matter what the situation is, I don't believe anyone should be relying 100% on their partner at the time of marriage unless both parties are fully on board with this (eg. having a stay-at-home partner).

Getting a degree in physics may be enjoyable for him, but in terms of job prospects, it isn't the greatest. If physics is his passion, there are many ways he can go about getting a degree while still working (part-time study, for example). If he needs a degree to get a better paying job, he could look into one in a trade, get the degree much quicker, and be far more employable at the end of it.

My best friend's boyfriend has a PhD in a science (chemistry) and still had some trouble finding a job at first. Finding a relavent job with just a BSc in physics strikes me as very wishful thinking.

If he's 24 and hasn't been working at all, this seems like a huge red flag. Does he have savings? Has he just been living off his parents since he dropped out of college?

Paupi121 · 2018-06-19T12:07:46+00:00

I feel you should be cautious about it, he already dropped out once before and didnt persue a different career. 4 years is a long time to support two people especially at your age plus given the fact that you are not married or engaged there is a possibility of it not ending well for you, have you always been long distance? There are many aspects of your relationship that I dont know about but ultimately only you can decide whats right.

Someone has mentioned something about making a budget for those 4 years and seeing if it was worth it, that would be an important first step bucause it cuantifies everything and if you decide to go with it you will at least know your on the same page and have the same expectations.

*sorry if the format is wrong, im on mobile

FlyingSexistPig · 2018-06-19T13:14:44+00:00

I think there's good reason that most women go for guys at least 5 years older than they are. When it comes to guys, it's virtually impossible to get both youth and beauty AND financial security and wisdom.

You have to pick.

NewMindRedPill · 2018-06-19T14:13:10+00:00

I would feel very uncomfortable dating a guy who had no career prospects for that long. Why did he wait? Why is he planning on starting now that you can come and support him? Was his plan was to rely on you all along?

I've heard bad stories of guys dating and even marrying girls that would support them through college and then leaving them after.

I'm not saying your man is using you but does he even have any plans to work or rely entirely on you? I didn't rely on anyone in college and instead kept 1-2 jobs.

valleycupcake · 2018-06-19T14:29:59+00:00

I generally think a marriage should wait until the man can hold a job. There’s too much instability beforehand. It might be different if he was, say, one year away from graduating and already had a job lined up.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-06-19T15:07:27+00:00

What I'm hearing is that he's not focused, driven, or on track for a solid future as a provider. And this is causing you doubts about moving to another country and supporting him.

Totally unreasonable. You should throw over everything and rush to be there for him and carry him for the 4-6 years it takes him to get the degrees that may, or may not, be able to get him a job somewhere with a degree he has no idea what he'll do with.

/sarcasm

No. Until he has a realistic plan, don't do this. He does not sound like a sound investment. If he can show you a solid plan - not just for college, expenses, but for where/what he wants to do with that degree and a realistic course for achieving it - then maybe it's worth it. But he sounds clueless.

He is also thinking about getting a loan and I hate loans. I feel like this will all build resentment because my dream was to get my own place with him but how do I support an apartment in CALIFORNIA on a newly-graduated one person salary and his loans?

Loans are a bad idea. Living in California is worse.

Curious: what is he doing with his life NOW? Why is he worth your time?

EDIT: Also, in answer to your title, yes this is not uncommon in the US. But like obesity, just because it's common doesn't mean it's healthy.

sat_ta · 2018-06-19T14:52:45+00:00

You are taking a huge risk with big responsibilities and very little security. Have you spoken with his parents? Will they back you up financially if his plans fail?

BooksAndCatsAnd · 2018-06-19T17:20:10+00:00

The hard part for you here will be coming to the US. Even if you marry, right now wait times are >2 years for “by marriage” permanent residency visas. Also, he would need significant income in order to sponsor you. Essentially, with your situation, this is not even possible.

I married my husband pretty much straight out of college and we are going through this visa process now. I have a great IT job that has enabled us to take this path, and he has been actively job hunting for the entire process - >1 year. And yes, he has a STEM degree. Quite simply it is very hard for non-US people to get work here if you are not in a specialized niche or doing manual labor. This is a very difficult path and IMO not one that should be taken with any hint of doubt in doing it.

It sounds like you are a catch. Stay in the U.K. and find someone who doesn’t require you to throw your life away for them. As the US partner he would be legally required to support you and he’s not in a position to do that.

bchsweetheart · 2018-06-19T14:28:50+00:00

This is fairly common in the US yes. One partner takes up the brunt of the relationship and takes over so the other can focus on their studies. That being said you both need to be realistic about future plans. The idea to set up a budget and look at job prospects is a good one. It's also fine for you to decide you don't want to support your partner this way and leave the relationship

digbybare · 2018-06-20T00:22:29+00:00

If he already dropped out of college once, I have strong doubts he'd be able to complete a bachelor in physics (which is obviously not an easy major), let alone a masters.

On top of that, I can't imagine a BA (not even BS) in physics being very useful. If he's going to go the academic route, he'd need to go all the way to Ph.D., otherwise, he'd be much better off getting a degree in something with more practical applications (like engineering).

Student loans are unfortunately pretty common, but that's beside the point. You're going to be financially supporting someone who currently seems to have low prospects for success.

CALIFORNIA

There are still relatively affordable areas in California. But most of the better universities are in larger, more expensive cities.

Rachel006 · 2018-06-20T04:59:55+00:00

A physics degree is pretty difficult. How is he sure he will finish it if he already dropped out once? Also i’m not sure that a teacher needs a physics degree (I may be wrong though), since high school physical would be much simpler than university level. I’m not sure it’s smart to get a physics degree only to be a teacher 🤔

Ok_Philosopher · 2018-06-20T06:07:20+00:00

It sounds like financial security is very important to you (understandably), and this guy can't offer you that. Not at this time, anyway. The timing of your love is pretty inconvenient more than anything.

To fast track your relationship maybe he should pursue a 2-year trade at a community college: Low cost, good earnings at the end of it. He has to be on board with it though. Then after the first year you could move to CA with him while he finishes up. That might be the best compromise for you both.

Otherwise yes, you will have to endure at least 4 years of ambiguity regarding his schooling and his future. It's up to you if that's worth it. He will grow up eventually: already he's holding a job but he just wants more for himself. That's not a bad thing. But he needs time, and I can't blame you if you don't want to wait to see how things solidify for him.

I say move to California. Spend time with his family. See if the relationship is worth it even when finances aren't a consideration. You may move there and find out he's much harder to live with than visit. Since you'll be living with his parents, you're gonna be immediately thrown into the hardest part of being with him.

To preface this: I've done two cross-continental relationships. Marriage resulted in the later one, and we're happily married today. First three years of my marriage were spent living with his family (cultural reasons; not financial). So, I know a little of what you're going through if you want to ask any other questions.

companyllc · 2018-06-21T17:29:08+00:00

I would be very concerned because this plan does not seem well thought out.

A degree in physics is not very useful (in terms of obtaining employment) unless you have a PhD or a special skill set within the field. Taking extensive loans out while living in an expensive area with no concrete plan to obtain improved employment sounds like a bad idea. Not to say you can't get a good job with a physics degree, just that the odds are not as high for this particular STEM degree as most people would think.

I saw elsewhere you mentioned he is interested in teaching. I am going to assume this means at a high school level. This requires additional classes and certification, depending on the state. He should be looking at this more than anything if that is what he wants to do.

I guess what I am trying to say is deciding on a physics degree is not a plan. Picking a career and understanding what is required to get to that point (and how to finance it and support oneself in the interim) IS a plan. This may or may not require a degree.

Now I am not trying to slam him or anything. He might just be bouncing an idea off you, I'm not there and can't say. But don't feel like you have to blindly accept this in order to be a true RPW, especially if you are not even married.

Chelseaqix · 2018-06-19T11:53:48+00:00

No. It’s not normal. I wouldn’t even look this guy in the eye. He must be hot or something.

thinkingfemale · 2018-06-19T15:31:26+00:00

Let me start out by saying that you are right asking these questions. I have some concerns reading this.

What allows you to stay with him for six moths after graduating? As far as I know it is key to start job hunting right after or preferably before you graduate. Maybe it would be smarter for your future if you focused on your career first?

A bachelor's degree in physics will not make it easy for him getting a job. If his interests are broadly scientific, maybe suggest something like computer science or math in stead?

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2018-06-19T18:26:23+00:00

Ask him why he is getting a physics degree. In my mind (for men at least) a degree is to get a job, not just to get a degree. Maybe when a kid is just graduating high school they don’t see it that way, but at 24 that’s the only thing he should be worried about (unless he is making enough to just acquire a recreational degree without taking on financial burden) regarding a degree should be “I want X type of job which requires X type of degree”.

Also, why is he in such a hurry to marry you? You don’t seem like you want to get married until some things are resolved. Does he want to get married so you can share his financial burden even if things go south?

How many times have you two actually seen each other in person?

You have some serious life re-evalutating questions to ask him. You speak as though your degree is not one that supports two people directly out of college. That is normal, and he shouldn’t expect you to do otherwise.

FreedomRebel · 2018-06-19T21:17:45+00:00

Please don't move here on his promises. I doubt he will stick it out the whole 4 years. You'll be miserable if you come here, idk how many times I've heard women move across country and get married to a guy who says he's gonna do all this stuff. You're better off staying where you are, please don't come here on what he says. California is very expensive. What will happen is you guys will get married ,and live with his parents for who knows how long.

Kiddingyoself · 2018-06-20T16:11:16+00:00

ABC

A, Always

B, Be

C, Communicating

(I'm partly kidding wording it that way.)

I'm curious, is he interested in this revitalized space industry, or something? I wonder what, at 24, has piqued his interest in physics.

FreedomRebel · 2018-06-21T01:07:57+00:00

Californian here, this place is super expensive. Whereabouts does he live?

organicsunshine · 2018-06-21T02:01:15+00:00

What does he plan to do with that degree?

You do not need a degree to be sucessful. You need ambition and drive.

orbitalmechanicsguy · 2018-06-22T14:44:48+00:00

Physics? How much math has he taken? I am not going to sugar-coat things: STEM majors are hard. Like: "Wow... I think I was dropped on my head as a baby..." Hard.

The job prospects are decent. He could probably go for some kind of engineer job with a physics degree.

You're not going to see or hear him much while he's doing his physics program. Here's how your conversations will go:

"How was your day, honey?"

"I mathed..."

"What would you like for dinner?"

"Differentials with a side of Integrals!!"

"Would you like to go see a movie?"

"x equals negative b plus or minus the square-root of b-squared minus four A C all over two-A!"

"I think we should go to couple's counseling, cause we're drifting a part..."

"3.1415926535897932384626433832795..."

That's something to think about.

FreedomRebel · 2018-06-22T21:15:22+00:00

Suggest engineering instead of physics. I'm studying MechE, relatively easy to get a job, compared to other professions. You also have the knowledge to branch off and start a company. I also have to take a ton of physics classes.

DreamBoatGuy25 · 2018-06-22T22:44:44+00:00

I pursued a BS in Physics before switching to Computer Science, so I may be able to provide some insight.

Physics is generally considered to be the most difficult major for a very good reason, because for most people it is the most difficult major. So if it's something he's serious about he needs to be both smart and dedicated.

The job prospects for Physics degrees aren't particularly good. There just isn't a huge demand for physicists. Additionally, people who actually work in physics usually get either masters or much more often PhD's. What he may be able to do with BA/BS is get a job working for a bank, since they're always on the hunt for people who are good at math. But if he was going to do that he'd be better off just getting a degree more centered around that.

A lot of people consider majoring in physics due to their interest in Science Fiction and Popular Science. Physics in real life isn't nearly as interesting as his favorite sci-fi flick. He won't be spending a lot of time musing about Black Holes and Time Travel. Don't get me wrong Physics is definitively the greatest of all the sciences and utterly fascinating. It's science's version of The Bible; the story of the universe as told using the only universal language: mathematics. But it's very much not for everyone, or even most people, so he should make sure that if he really does want to do it, that it's for the right reasons.

Hope that helps.

Title	Is this normal in the US?
Author	FreedomRebel
Upvotes	18
Comments	70
Date	June 19, 2018 10:47 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8s7vuv/is_this_normal_in_the_us/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-this-normal-in-the-us.74851 https://theredarchive.com/post/74851

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