Warning: long rant.

I see this rhetoric *constantly* when a woman enforces a boundary around something that makes her uncomfortable, and it happens especially often in relationships. Men, and often times other women, assume that if a woman has a boundary around a certain action that their partner takes, then she is controlling, jealous, or insecure. I’d like to unpack these arguments, because I’ve heard all of them, and it seems to be only getting worse out here for women who dare to have boundaries in relationships.

"Having boundaries is controlling what someone is doing." Let’s use porn for an example here. If you tell your partner, “I will not stay in a relationship with you if you use porn/continue to use porn”, you are controlling YOUR OWN actions by deciding to leave or stay. You are not throwing out your partner’s porn collection, destroying their laptop or phone, or forcing them to stop at gunpoint. You are letting them make the decision of what they want to do: stay in a relationship with you, or watch porn. THEY are in control of their own actions, not you, and you have not forced them to do anything by having a boundary. I see men claim that this is controlling because it “gives them no choice” but to stop watching porn. No, you do have a choice. The other choice is breaking up, which you don’t like. Just because you don’t like the choices doesn’t mean that you don’t have one or someone is forcing you to do something.

"Having boundaries makes you insecure." This one I see mostly when women have boundaries with their partner consuming porn, whether on sites like PH, subscribing to Onlyfans, or watching pornographic videos on reddit. However, I also see women being accused of this when they have boundaries around their partner going to strip clubs, liking or viewing half-naked photos of other women on social media, ogling women in public, or talking about how hot they find other women or who they’d want to sleep with. I’ve genuinely never understood the connection between a woman wanting her partner to focus their sexual energy and attention solely on her and insecurity.

If you are in a completely monogamous relationship and have established this, the obvious conclusion that most people draw is that you’re not going to have sex with other people, because that would be considered betraying your partner. So how is it different to watch women you want to have sex with, imagine yourself having sex with other women, having women touch you or speak to you in a sexual way, or paying for sexual services from other women who are not your partner? Having a problem with this is not feeling that you are not good enough, its the fact that your partner is giving the sexual attention to multiple other women that he promised to give to you by committing to a monogamous relationship. I’m sure its true that some women may struggle with insecurities and also not want their partner to watch porn, but I do not think one always equals the other. I’m sick to death of confident, beautiful, secure, smart, kind women having the “INSECURE” label slapped on them when they have a boundary. Expecting your partner to not want to fuck every woman who isn’t you is not insecurity, and most likely has nothing to do with how a woman views herself.

It took me years to develop strong boundaries and leave at the first sign of disrespect or anything that I felt uncomfortable with, a lot of the reason being that I felt I was not allowed to. The whole “you have to respect and accept the fact that you partner watches porn” mentality is plastered all over social media, especially on reddit, and shoves down women’s throats that they aren’t allowed to decide what boundaries they have. From “sex therapists” and relationship gurus on Instagram, to pickme women bragging about how superior and not crazy they are for letting their partner get off to other women, there is virtually no support for women who have valid boundaries regarding porn or otherwise. ANY boundary you have is fine, and you do not have to explain yourself to anyone or let anyone tell you otherwise.