How are you teaching your daughters?

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-04-20T16:04:00+00:00

I have daughters about this same age.

No one can touch your body for any reason, without your permission. Not me, not doctors, No one.
The people who can touch your body are you, and anyone you give permission to. (I find kids understand “permission” over “consent” but I’m gradually usually them interchangeably)
No one has to like what you look like, clothes you wear, hair style, except you. When they ask me if they look pretty/cool/whatever, I will ask them do you FEEL cool/pretty/whatever? They say yes, and then I say that’s all that matters, and then I try to compliment something about the outfit like “the black skirt and pink shirt looks really fancy together”
We look pretty every day. Makeup, clothes, etc, make us FANCY, but we are ALWAYS pretty.
I work hard to compliment them on their behaviors, successes, creativity, and NOT just tell them they are pretty all the time. Easier said than done!
There is no wrong way to do art. This is a mantra in my household. Brene brown talks in one of her books that the VAST MAJORITY of people at some point in their childhood, often at home or school are shamed for their art or other creative work. Creative expression is VITAL for humans. We don’t make fun of peoples art, we don’t criticize it. We don’t have to like it, but their art is FOR THEM, just like yours is FOR YOU.
Your relationships with girls/women are the ones that will last forever. Focus on your girl friends.

Those are some off the top of my head that I have woven into the fabric of their lives starting in toddlerhood.

Adventurous_River_64 · 2021-04-20T16:49:57+00:00

My daughter is still pretty young but I've made a big point of teaching her independence and introducing a small amount of "risk" within a safe context. I let her play on her own in our yard, climb on rocks and tall equipment, splash in rivers on her own. I supervise her but I let her kind of guide herself. I really want to instill confidence in her along with a feeling of autonomy. She can explore on her own and take calculated risks that she gets to decide on. However she also knows that I'm here for her and that she is safe and protected by me. I worked in Montessori schools for years and picked up a lot of my parenting strategies this way :)

marimare21 · 2021-04-20T19:22:31+00:00

My parents didn't teach me this BUT I woudl definitely teach a daughter:

The importance of self-esteem and self-worth. Rock-solid self-esteem protects one from so many bad things in life.
It's OK to make mistakes, fail, and ask for help. And that mistakes will be made, it's life.
Getting a well-paying job. I'm not saying become an investment banker, but the job should be something they at least like, pays above average and is stable!
Men are abundant and plentiful, don't stress about it.
Sports sports sports. Being physically fit has benefits reaching into old age. I wish I had started with fitness when I was younger! Dance, martial arts, running, it doesn't matter. Laying the foundation of a healthy body will pay itself back over time in droves.
Self-reliance!

Ill_Entrepreneur_704 · 2021-04-20T18:12:27+00:00

Aside from all the usual life lessons about self worth and independence, my daughter is taken on outings to nice restaurants, etc, to normalize being treated that way. Firstly, she should expect a date to make an effort. Secondly, she should not fall all over herself for the first person to pay for a meal at a place that uses tablecloths.

Stuffnthings1840 · 2021-04-21T01:05:15+00:00

I DO NOT hit my kid. She will listen to me as well as she is going too. Hitting will not change that. Love should not hurt. You cannot trust someone that hurts you. Hopefully no spanking will mean no falling for bdsm kink shit. Also NO ONE hits my kid. It is not up for discussion.
If she doesn't want to hug or kiss, she doesn't have too. Her affection is hers to give in a way she chooses to give it.
In general she can do what she wants. Mud puddles? Playing in the sink? Go nuts. You are a child once and I own a washer.
Eat what you want. In general.
She is spoiled. I want her to know her mother and family love her and want the best for her. Her clothes are nice because my labor bought that for her.
I married well. Dad participates equally in her care and time spent with her. He buys her gifts. He acts right. He is a good example of masculinity.

The other stuff will come later. She is two.

ItsInTheVault · 2021-04-20T20:05:12+00:00

I’m teaching my son that he doesn’t have to hug or kiss anyone he doesn’t want to. I’m also teaching him to be a gentleman, to be considerate, to have good manners, and to be respectful of others. As he gets older, I plan to teach him to not be pushy with women, to be respectful of personal space, and to be a competent, caring partner.

dkwantsdk · 2021-04-20T23:44:14+00:00

[deleted]

Mimieuxmieux · 2021-04-20T21:10:45+00:00

Hi all,

I don't have any kids yet but I would highly recommend the book "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. It is the follow up to FDS recommended book "The Gift of Fear" and is geared towards mothers to help them teach their children skills to stay safe 😊

Jaelismyhomegirl · 2021-04-20T16:26:34+00:00

You don’t “need” a boyfriend. You can choose to have one, but you don’t need one.

tellmesomething11 · 2021-04-20T17:17:45+00:00

I’ve taught my daughters about consent, and also about abusive relationships, be friends or future partners. I’ve spoken to them about porn and how it harms women. I’ve even spoken about high value behavior to expect from friends and future partners. My daughters are ten.

I’m also teaching my daughters about God, how to love themselves and how important they are to me, and to this world.

RecordingImportant94 · 2021-04-20T21:14:06+00:00

My daughter is still very young, and previous posters have covered a lot of great stuff already, but I make a point of princesses saving themselves from the dragon/troll/bad wizard when we play with her toys. We have female knight characters too. I try to guide her play (and the media she consumes) to show women and girls as having agency over their own lives not waiting around to be saved as I heavily internalised that message despite being an active and physically capable child myself. Subverting these narratives which are deeply embedded in many cultures is vitally important, we don’t read traditional fairy tales.

I also encourage a lot more of what would be considered “boy” games and physical play. I don’t want to diminish the enjoyment of more female coded activities, but I want her to grow up with a less gendered view of things. But society is such a strong influence, despite me insisting there’s no such thing as “only for boys/girls” she has already absorbed that message from her kindergarten friends.

dkwantsdk · 2021-04-21T07:22:23+00:00

In addition to so much great content here, I make sure to let my daughter PLAY. She is allowed to be loud, take up space, dance, explore, and choose. I often let her take the lead. I give her context and trust but also let her be a child. The world will force her to grow up soon enough.

Dazzling_Moose_6575 · 2021-04-21T16:08:32+00:00

I tell my 6 year old that she should love herself more than anyone else, even more than she loves me. That if she loves herself then she can be happy and THEN make others happy, but if other's happiness comes at a cost to her own, it's not worth it.

We talk about boundaries and how to hold onto them and how to express them. At this age it's mostly about bodies, hugs and kisses and things like that. But also if her friends are treating her badly (she has a mean girl that I do not like her class that is a bully) she can just walk away. That friends should treat each other with respect.

I tell her that beauty comes from inside, that you can be beautiful on the outside but if you're mean on the inside, it shows on the outside and your outer beauty doesn't matter. I don't lie to her and tell her that beauty doesn't matter, but that her inner beauty is more important than her outer beauty.

I respect her bodily autonomy, for example, if i'm tickling her and she says stop I do immediately, and I won't start again until she asks. If she doesn't want to hug someone, I offer alternatives or just skipping it. I tell her that she's the only person who gets to decide what happens to her body.

I treat her like a person in the sense that even if I don't understand why she's so upset that her crayon is dull, it's important to her and I acknowledge her feelings ("you must be so upset that your crayon is broken, it's frustrating when things don't work out the way you want them to"). I also talk to her about anything she is curious about, I don't lie to her or try to shield her from things, but explain them in ways she can understand. We've talked about death, racism, sexism, Trump, religion, etc.

bonfire_heart · 2021-04-20T19:06:58+00:00

My mom always say to me that I need to take care of myself and love myself. She always made clear that I don’t need anyone to be happy, I can find happiness within myself. I love her loads 💕

Platipus6 · 2021-04-21T00:11:18+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKdHAgO8z90

These 5 videos about internal and external boundaries are amazing. (They're 20 mins long, the 2nd half is religious if you want to skip that).

He started out in addiction counselling then realised most addicts had childhood trauma.

Teach her that she'll only have a few very close relationships, and not to let strangers or acquaintances in. Eg don't add strangers to facebook if you've never met them IRL. Not everyone needs to know everything about you. Not everyone is to be immediately trusted.

Concernedmama16 · 2021-04-21T17:07:37+00:00

I don't have much to add, lots of great answers. My daughter is 5. When she plays lots of falling in love games, I tend to say "There are so many more interesting things than boys." And then list some things. Traveling, adventures with friends, making art, exploring outside...

The other day she told me "You always say that!"

So at least I'm getting it in her head!

tortllaa · 2021-04-21T22:35:44+00:00

I am not a parent, but one of my college professors introduced me to feminist thought and often talks about how her and her husband are raising their children (2 girls). As she is a professor, education is a priority in her life and in her children's lives. Since they were young she has introduced them to powerful women through books like the Uppity Women series and other women authors (Woolf, Atwood, Agatha Christie) so they can absorb the ideas of independence, success, power etc.

Title	How are you teaching your daughters?
Author	T00TSMAG00T
Upvotes	156
Comments	27
Date	April 20, 2021 3:39 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mut4ye/how_are_you_teaching_your_daughters/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-are-you-teaching-your-daughters.777584 https://theredarchive.com/post/777584

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