My husband says I haven't been giving him enough attention

Jenneapolis · 2021-06-15T01:30:18+00:00

It’s been 6 weeks. You are doing great.

SamathaStevens · 2021-06-15T02:18:59+00:00

I am sorry to hear things are so tough right now but it will get better. It sounds like he is having trouble adjusting to a new baby and is feeling over looked. It is a very common feeling for new fathers. I would make things as easy as possible for both of you right now. Paper plates, looking into some sort of meal planning like hello fresh, grocery delivery, etc. Things like baby clothes go through the wash so often just wash and leave them in a basket where you can gran them in a hurry. Spending time folding them and sorting into drawers isn't worth it right now. Ask for and accept any help you can get. Everyone always offers right after you come home but it is usually about the 6 week mark to 3 months when you really need it. You don't have to do everything like you did before but focus on what is important for you and him right now. I would sit down and ask him what is the most important thing I do that makes you feel special? If he says snuggling on the couch ,then make sure you out effort into that happening. If having the house clean is what matters to him look into hiring help (assuming you can afford it). All the rest needs to be out on hold right now. The most important thing you can do for you is get as much sleep as possible! Nap when the baby naps, don't spend nap times cleaning, have your someone hold the bay or do the cleaning but don't give up your sleep. This will pass and it will be ok!

StoopidISFJwastaken · 2021-06-15T06:58:25+00:00

If he wants your attention, maybe he should try sharing some of the workload.

blushingoleander · 2021-06-15T00:35:38+00:00

Has he articulated what he expects from you?

Everything you are saying sounds pretty normal to me 6 weeks out. Your sleep is off and you are learning to parent so a lot of other things take a backseat.

My initial instinct is to say that his expectations don't match up with the reality of a baby. But you are a bit vague about his expectations. So what does he want, specifically?

1987dd1987 · 2021-06-15T03:42:53+00:00

I would suggest narrowing it down to the things that really make him feel cared for and prioritize those. While you’re running around trying to cook/clean/look Put together it’s possible that those efforts are not what he needs/values and your good intentions and effort are for naught. I could put literally anything on the table for my husband to eat and he wouldn’t care but he feels hurt and uncared for when there isn’t a clean towel waiting for him when he steps out of the shower.

PandaSquabblesSloth · 2021-06-15T02:37:21+00:00

I have a 6 week old baby boy right now! In total I have 3 birth children and 3 bonus children, this last child being the only one that’s both of ours. I’ve been through this a few times with two different men so hear me out:

He’s tired and stressed too. He’s also trying to navigate the new family dynamic. He also is working. Both of you are running on empty right now.

He is also expecting a lot if he has asked you to keep up this level of housework. You both need to sit down and acknowledge that this isn’t easy for either one of you. This is not the place for a “whose got it worse” contest, even though your day-to-day has changed the most drastically and what you are doing now is more than you can gracefully provide. You need to let him know that you acknowledge his struggles too and ask him what it is that you can do that will mean the most to him.

Example: To my SO, it is immeasurably more important to him that we are intimate and he does not have to come home and cook than having a clean house/ done laundry/ me looking my best is. We didn’t have to have a conversation about this because we have been parenting together for awhile before this and I recognized these things, but if this was our first rodeo we would have needed to discuss this!

I noticed in your post you go on and on about the housework and cooking, but the only issue you directly say your husband has brought up is that he wants more time with you. Is it a possibility that you can focus less on all the extra stuff and more on yourself when you have a few minutes so that you don’t feel completely run down at the end of the day?

The baby will grow up and leave the house one day, but your husband will be there after. 20 years from now, neither one of you will fret about all the laundry that didn’t get done or all the take out you ate. But you will remember the throws of early parenthood and how you weathered it together 🙂.

Curtail_ · 2021-06-15T03:09:40+00:00

He needs to step up as a father and stop expecting you to do everything for the baby and him

CrazyHorseInvincible · 2021-06-15T01:02:07+00:00

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DelicateDevelopment · 2021-06-15T02:58:46+00:00

Here are two simple things you can do to improve your situation.

Whatever you're feeling and going through - tell him! Say things like: John, I'm feeling really tired, I need more help from you.
Whatever extra thing he does to help - express gratitude! You can't thank him too many times. Say things like: thank you so much for doing the laundry today. That was really helpful.

Regarding 1 - don't assume that he knows. Don't assume that he'll read your mind. If you want him to know how you're feeling, you have to say it clearly and concisely.

Regarding 2 - don't listen to the voice in your head that says it's weird to thank so much. Nor to the voice that says he doesn't deserve to be thanked. Bottom line: he's very likely to do much more for you and with gladness and joy, if he feels appreciated.

As for sex. You shouldn't have sex before 6 weeks minimum. If you're having non penatrative sex - try to choose less engaging options. Example: having him masturbate while you lightly touch his chest is a good compromise in which he can feel sexually connected with you with little effort on your part.

Southernbelllle · 2021-06-15T11:23:18+00:00

Are you supposed to have sex this early?

rammerplex · 2021-06-15T01:17:56+00:00

It sounds like you are doing your best. The first three months with a child are really demanding for both parents. He is probably also overloaded now and your attention was how he is accustomed to recharging. Let him know you are tired too and ask him to help you get an additional hour of sleep, so you can help him recharge as well.

aafonsodias · 2021-06-15T14:10:34+00:00

Speak with him openly and explain, ask him to share some of the workload or find a solution to reduce yours. Now it's time for the baby indeed, that is why you invited him into this world, your husband should understand this, having a baby is a lot of work if you do it properly!

eyeletflowers · 2021-06-16T23:11:24+00:00

Could he pay for some home help perhaps? What about relatives? Do you have a retired mother, granny or MIL who can come over everyday to help with chores and the baby? You had a baby 6 weeks ago. He needs to cut you some slack. One generational households are a modern, western phenomenon and this is why so many women become overwhelmed and depressed.

As for sex if you had a vaginal birth you are probably still hurting and have some discharge. Having sex at 6 weeks post partum would have been too painful for me. I had to wait longer.

Admanthea · 2021-06-18T16:29:06+00:00

4 weeks in to our first son. Field report from this side, it looks like the house is clean, but really I clean one or two things a day and neatly shove the rest away. To keep the living room tidy I have a little cart with diapers and pumping supplies, then keep it picked up every day. The kitchen is the same. The counters are wiped and the sink is empty, but everything else is shoved in the dishwasher and I unload it slowly. I set 15 minutes to clean when he goes down for a nap and the rest is time for myself or to clean. I have dinner close to ready, bit I hand the baby over with a fresh diaper and fed so hubby can enjoy him and relax while I finish preparing dinner. I focus on him for the first hour and let him get adjusted, then slowly talk about my dad once he asks.

Remember. Men don't have motherly instincts, it is a hard adjustment. As great as my husband has been, he is still ready for that 6 week mark and it takes him a moment to realize until this week I was still in a lot of pain. They aren't as physically involved so it's more time for them to adjust and that's okay. We have to be the ones who model compassion and they learn. Men admire women for their nurturing and loving nature, while women admire men for their strength and willingness to provide and work hard. When we both act how we are supposed to, we rub off on each other.

Good luck and congratulations! 💜

rosesonthefloor · 2021-06-15T01:28:47+00:00

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teaandtalk · 2021-06-15T00:14:24+00:00

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vvck7 · 2021-06-15T02:39:43+00:00

How far away does your son live from you?

throwaway8768901 · 2021-06-18T21:55:52+00:00

Maybe he can hire a part time housekeeper or nanny in order to take some pressure off you. It takes a village.

Title	My husband says I haven't been giving him enough attention
Author	AnxiousWalk1272
Upvotes	44
Comments	66
Date	June 14, 2021 11:59 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/o00nsp/my_husband_says_i_havent_been_giving_him_enough/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-husband-says-i-havent-been-giving-him-enough.782151 https://theredarchive.com/post/782151

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