In my relationship, I used to embody the mommy role. I’m a capable person who had to re-parent myself and become independent with little help from anyone. I also come from a religious background where divorce is only an option in cases of abuse/infidelity (yeah, fuck that).

When my partner would fuck up something in his life (constantly be late to things, forget an important deadline, commit a social faux pas), I would get embarrassed and see it as a reflection on the both of us. Instead of thinking “Damn, what a clueless idiot” I would panic and think “Shit I gotta make sure that doesn’t happen again! What will people think?” and then spend my precious time and energy making sure he woke up on time, remembered to do that paperwork thing, etc. It was majorly anxiety-inducing because I was basically running two lives at the same time and living in fear of people finding out that I’m the one pulling all the strings (I’m sure everyone already knew, LOL). It was also a HUGE turn-off.

Then I found this subreddit (through hate-marketing 😂) and slowly I began to reform my whole way of thinking about my role in the relationship. I was FURIOUS about my wasted time and energy with this person, but it was a calm, scary kind of fury. The kind of fury that doesn’t need a reaction from anybody, but just wants to be said out loud. I laid out exactly how I felt to my husband. I didn’t give any ultimatums, just simply said “I’ve been thinking about divorcing you because ______. It is THAT bad.”

I absolutely do not recommend doing this in hope to motivate your partner, especially if you don’t seriously mean it. I had just reached a point where I didn’t care. Of course he was pissed. He went to go stay at a friend’s house, he was that mad. I popped popcorn and put on a movie, coming to terms with the fact that this was probably the end. Blocked his phone number, just for peace of mind. But like 20 min later he came back. I had no idea how to feel and just finished watching my movie.

That was several months ago, and from that night on, I do my shit, and that’s it. “Oh you were late to work, got flack from your boss, and might get fired? Sucks to suck. Oh you forgot about that thing with your friend? Guess you disappointed them.” 🤷‍♀️

He’s gotten a little better at shit, mostly because he knows he can’t rely on me anymore, but I can also tell he is actually trying. He scheduled himself therapy, which I suggested but did not expect him to remember or follow through on. 🤔

Anyway, the whoooole point of this post is not about FDS “helping our marriage” or whatever. Yes, I still love him, there are currently more pros than cons in staying while I level myself up, and divorce will always be an option.

No, it’s about how FUCKING CALMER I FEEL ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Whenever those thoughts pop up of “Oh fuck, what if he forgot _____?” immediately I’m like, we don’t do that here anymore. And ultimately, “What if I decide I’m truly unhappy?” Then we leave, sis. My family would disown me, but fuck them. SO MUCH INNER PEACE.