What about health issues?

arnezuara · 2021-07-09T16:15:54+00:00

Beware, he may be looking for a care-taker, not so much a partner. Also, I do agree with another commenter who said that it may be a bit too early for him to disclose his health condition with you. He may be phishing/testing the waters to see if you are an empathetic, nurturing woman.

penelopekitty · 2021-07-09T15:56:54+00:00

It seems weird that he would reveal all of this to you before even meeting. Most people have a health issue or two. It may or may not affect their ability to do certain activities, but disclosing them to a stranger on the internet is just weird.

I once matched with a guy who when I asked how he was spending his evening, probably our second message, told me he was preparing for a colonoscopy. It was bizarre and with the way men are these days it made me think he might have a scat fetish. My gut tells me it's either that or some new PUA techniques for testing your empathy.

glittersparklesglitz · 2021-07-09T15:45:50+00:00

I think this is difficult because people don’t have control over health problems (some, yes, but not all.) I would say, consider how their medical problems could potentially affect your life and decide if those effects are acceptable to you.

the-worst- · 2021-07-09T16:34:35+00:00

Oh, I forgot to mention, most men in OLD are LVM or NVM. So it might be difficult to actually figure out how to spot HVM by practicing with OLD.

ImLettingGo_ · 2021-07-09T16:23:43+00:00

It’s a no for me. The last guy I dated had IBS and I got REALLLLLY tired of hearing about his constant diarrhea.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-07-09T16:26:14+00:00

A friend's friend's husband has Crohn's disease and it deeply impacts their life. Life revolves around his treatments, health flare ups etc. He's early 60s and is degenerating quickly.

You could continue seeing this guy, but why would you want to?

My friend is worried that her friend will be left penniless when he dies. He had lots of money when they met, but they retired too early and he spends money like a drunken sailor. He's got a comfortable life, but the runway is likely to run out for her. Choose your next move wisely

the-worst- · 2021-07-09T16:32:05+00:00

I'd be concerned that he's trying to find a bang-nurse-maid. And that he told you about going to the ER to test if you'll be sympathetic and maybe he was even hoping you'd volunteer to take care of him.

I am curious, did he provide any proof that he was in the ER besides just saying so? Has he provided any proof of "stepping up as a dad" beyond just claiming he is? You say he seems to have gone through a rough marriage/divorce. Did he ever mention why it ended? If he said his ex is crazy or "just suddenly wanted to end it even though I did nothing wrong"... he is likely lying.

Him mentioning that he went to the er reminds me of my narc mother, who recently jumped in a group chat about one of my nephews having type 1 diabetes to inform us all that she hit a deer, but she is fine. Like... I feel it would have been normal if he waited to tell you after AND something was actually wrong. But if he was updating you as it went AND it turned out to be nothing? He might be attention seeking or a covert narcissist looking for a new narcissistic supply.

You mention you know he's not the one, you are just trying to hone your skills in telling high value men from low value ones. Remember to keep vetting. Narcissistic people are in it for the long con. They can and WILL hide their true self for years until they feel that you are caught in their claws with no way out.

MadamLeFay · 2021-07-09T16:16:02+00:00

You'll be going into this knowing the guy has health problems and could have many, many more. I'm 48 and I'm not signing up to be anyone's nurse.

pozzalovah · 2021-07-09T18:23:56+00:00

How is 10 years age appropriate?

purasangria · 2021-07-09T15:43:25+00:00

I'd refuse to see him. I don't want a partner with health problems. I don't care if that's shallow; I am healthy and want me partner to be also. Why should I get together with a man who has these issues? If I had them, he wouldn't want me. We all know how man abandon their sick partners.

evana10ana · 2021-07-09T16:52:58+00:00

I personally think they didn't admit to ER due to concern of Crohn's disease as Crohn's disease usually causes pain in the lower right part of the abdomen instead of the chest. Sounds like they were worry about the chest pain being a symptom of heart attack and decided to admit him to ER to stay safe. So yes, I think it strange how he mentioned this to you given how you've just met and this isn't related to any chronic conditions that he has. Maybe he is telling you about his health conditions to get you to feel sorry for him so you're less likely to reject him or something.

How much Crohn's disease will impact the relationship depends on the severity. It's a disorder with no cure at the moment, so if you marry someone with the disorder, expect to deal with it forever. It's common for patients to have diarrhea during flairs so the time you spend with the guy may be disrupted by visits to the bathroom. If you live together, cleaning the toilet can be messy. Patients may need to avoid certain food and drinks during a flair so you may need to compromise and eat the same food as the guy even if you don't want to or cook special food for him. Some patients with Crohn's disease may have extraintestinal manifestations such as such as arthritis and psoriasis so you'll need to deal with these symptoms too if they appear.

Patients with severe Crohn's disease may need expensive treatment known as biologics. Search for the price of the infliximab or adalimumab and you'll see why regularly paying for these drugs will be an issue if you're poor. Some patients may also need surgery due to complications such as fistulas and again this is expensive.

Whether you want to give this guy a chance is your choice but I find it odd how he told you about his health issues straight away. Most men (including HVM) don't do this as it's natural for men to portray themselves in the best way possible in front of a potential date and some people see their health conditions as something private instead of something to disclose straight away.

NotYourCirce · 2021-07-09T17:56:07+00:00

I’ve dated a couple guys with minor health issues and found both relationships revolved around those issues. For example, it was always an excuse to be lazy or to do what they wanted to do. They expected me to put these issues before my own needs. I don’t want to sound insensitive but these issues weren’t life-threatening (plus they were in their 20s then).

I think it’s a red flag your guy started sharing this so soon. He’s supposed to be trying to impress you, not gain your pity

Edited to add: Those men I dated were also doing the least to help themselves live their best quality life with health issues. No regular doctor visits, proper diet, sleep, exercise. For the future consider how men like this take care of themselves

celestesoleil · 2021-07-09T16:04:10+00:00

I dated a guy with some health problems and it wasn’t long before my life started to revolve around them as well. Quietly take a pass.

AAlegend8 · 2021-07-09T17:08:34+00:00

My gut is telling me no on this one 😉

bamboohobobundles · 2021-07-09T18:10:14+00:00

I feel like this is a tough one because, on the one hand... We all have things we struggle with that are beyond our control. Many health issues aren't a person's "fault".

On the other hand, what's the context of the situation? Is he telling you about his problems in the interest of being transparent and honest, or is he trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him? Also, if the health condition is real, does he actually put in effort to manage it (i.e. following a proper diet, taking medication/supplements properly, getting physiotherapy or regular therapy, etc) or does he treat his body like shit and expect someone else to be a nurse for him?

I have chronic health conditions that do affect my day to day life and make a lot of things more difficult for me, and I've had to put in (and CONTINUE to put in) a LOT of effort to keep myself healthy and mobile. I don't feel it would be unreasonable to expect the same from a prospective partner.

fknbtch · 2021-07-09T18:27:05+00:00

beware. i've known people with this disease who would eat absolute garbage constantly then go to the hospital due to flare ups, then make pity posts on Facebook.

throwaway23er56uz · 2021-07-09T19:42:19+00:00

I found this forum when I was looking into OLD for older women and found that men in their 50s and 60s typically want a woman who's in their 30s/40s, so about 20 years younger, in order to have a future carer.

In your case the age difference is small, which I guess is a good sign.

I know someone who has Crohns and they keep having flare-ups that can take weeks to resolve. They are limited as to what they can do. Diet is a huge thing; they can't simply go into a restaurant and eat whatever they want. But many people manage such medical conditions well.

Whether you can and want to live with someone who has a medical condition is a question that varies case by case and that only you can answer.

Title	What about health issues?
Author	mamadgaf
Upvotes	38
Comments	50
Date	July 9, 2021 3:41 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ogy7eu/what_about_health_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-about-health-issues.789527 https://theredarchive.com/post/789527

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