55yr old DAD Against the Wall.

Gattsama · 2022-09-08T04:20:47+00:00

So sorry you are going through this man. So several things. (Long post)

You need to strongly consider divorce or cutting your financial ties to them. Here's something that could be hard to hear, you empower them and train them to treat you this way.

You reward their bad behavior, and then ask for changes after you have already rewarded them. You have demonstrated that they can treat you like this and you will not only tolerate it, but continue to support them. They have zero incentive to change anything.

The only person that can change here is you. You need to step back, think about the life you want to live, and then make choices for that life. That means you need to work on being: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit.

Stop giving them your time, money, support and attention immediately. They will respond with attacks and sign language (Shame, Insults, Guilt, the Need to be right). Ignore this, they will be upset and unpleasant no matter what you do, so choose to only engage when they can behave.

This means setting firm boundaries and then enforcing them. Understand you have trained them for years to not respect you or consider you, so new habits will take time and they will forever test you.

Go no contact. Do NOT contact them, wait for them to contact you. And then wait another 24-48hrs to respond. Once you respond they will attack you. Interrupt them (or speak over them) and say that if you can not speak to me respectfully I will terminate this conversation. When they continue, say I am terminating this conversation as I said I would, we can continue later if you choose to speak respectfully at that time.

Then again no contact. They will continue to attack you. In the beginning you will need to just wait between contact. But later the goal is to set follow up. For example: I am terminating this conversation, we can continue in 10 mins if you can speak respectfully then.

Do NOT get drawn into bargaining. You say 10mins, they say 15, you say how about after lunch, they say, etc etc. This is a delaying tactic and way to assert control. If they say 10mins (or whatever your time is doesn't work) you say: I'm sorry to hear that I Will contact you tomorrow (if they say tomorrow doesn't work, same delaying tactic) say then I will contact you when I choose and hangup.

Get the book "No more Mr Nice guy", is often free on YouTube as an audiobook (support the author if able). You have chosen to make yourself weak. You have given away all your power, and now are complaining about how powerless you are. It's a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but once you accept that this situation is largely due to YOU and YOUR chooses, then you can also accept that it's under your power to change it.

You are not powerless. You can not control others, only yourself. But you can control how you respond to others and choose to engage with them. You need to reclaim your power and control of your life.

Second issue. Regarding divorce, that is much harder as we don't know the full situation. But understand your family does not respect you, love you, care about you or value you outside of being a tool/resource. It is extremely difficult to come back from that. And more importantly you have to ask, is it worth it? Because all the stuff I outlined above, you will need to do that for the rest of your life with this family. If you let up or slack off they will revert as quickly as possible to using you as a tool. And even if you don't let any slack develop they will shit test you from time to time.

Not all people / women are like this. There is no prize for enduring a horrible marriage. There is no honor in living your life as a wage slave to a disrespectful, unloving, inconsiderate wife. Forget that you deserve to happy BS. You don't deserve anything. You eat what you kill, you get what you build and you live the life you choose.

Again, you have choosen to live your current life. I would advise you to make different choices going forward. What those are are up to you. It's your life, you choose. But I encourage you to consider this. Think of the life that you have lead as over, that life/time is dead; now take what is left of your life and live it properly.

You can't change the past. Learn from it, then leave it. You can control your future. Stop, think what life you want, then take the steps necessary to create it.

The strong do what they have to do. The weak learn to accept what they have to accept. When you want something (badly enough) you find a way, when you don't you find an excuse.

Be safe out there brother and good luck...

pk2at · 2022-09-08T03:41:40+00:00

Not really your case seems off the charts, condition you are in, its better to take your money and retire in Costa Rica

RideATX · 2022-09-08T15:02:08+00:00

You need to stop everything your doing right now and go read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. There are so many covert contracts in your story I stopped counting. This might be the neediest post I've ever read on here. There is a reason they want nothing to do with you, being needy is the most unattractive thing a guy can do. You have a long journey ahead, good luck brother.

dogsrule2019 · 2022-09-08T03:58:45+00:00

You're giving them money why? Invite your son to live with you and cut the rest off.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-09-08T13:59:07+00:00

You're living a nightmare. Grab your balls and file for divorce.

You haven't considered that spousal support duration is based on the length of the marriage. So the longer you remain married, the longer you will pay spousal support.

georeddit2018 · 2022-09-08T03:55:29+00:00

Return the favor. They don't treat you like family. Ghost them too and stop doing nice things for them or your ex wife.

tylerdurdensoapmaker · 2022-09-08T04:52:01+00:00

Sorry to be direct but as others have mentioned strongly consider divorce asap. At a minimum speak with an attorney. Also speak with a therapist and take care of yourself. You don’t have to do this all alone.

sicrm · 2022-09-08T05:21:08+00:00

we teach people how to treat us.

your kids and your ex treat you with absolutely no respect and you give them everything they want. that’s why they view you as an ATM. untangling that won’t be easy and there will be backlash but at least you have your son.

YouPerturbMySoul · 2022-09-08T05:55:37+00:00

Please just divorce her. She doesn't deserve your full financial support anymore, so cute her off. As for your daughter, your ?wife? has climbed in her head and she's a brat. Stop buying her things she isn't grateful for and doesn't deserve. As for your son, see if he wants to live with you "because things will be tight around his mom's" until your court ordered to pay her anything.

Please just be done with the marriage already. Stop trying to care for the ungratefuls and only give them what a judge tells you to give them. Spend time and focus on you. If it means finding a hobby or activity you like to do, do it. You need to stop thinking about it for your own mental health.

rsa1x · 2022-09-08T09:29:40+00:00

And feminists say parental alienation isn't real

MonthIndividual8699 · 2022-09-08T13:43:38+00:00

Stop giving them money. They'll get the hint. I'm sorry your in that situation. Save your money and feel bad, instead of giving them money and feel bad.

jimsmythee · 2022-09-08T15:30:30+00:00

You should have filed for divorce 6 years ago.

Apprehensive_Walk_48 · 2022-09-08T12:54:08+00:00

Don't step away from the kids. They're kids and they're still learning. You're Dad forever, and that means that you have to put up with this kind of shit sometimes. Don't listen to anyone that encourages you to step away from them. That's not what parents do. You just have to be more diligent about your expectations of reciprocal treatment from them. Teach them what you want from them. Your daughter specifically...girls can be really nasty when they're teenagers. She won't appreciate everything until later...but she for sure will appreciate you if you just stick it out and keep teaching her.

With your wife, consider a formal divorce. It sucks, but it's a big step toward accepting your actual situation which is that it's never gonna go back to what it was before. At 55, you can still have a good social life, and love life if you want it.

upvotersfortruth · 2022-09-08T07:48:50+00:00

Hey Bob, you have my empathy on this. It seems incredibly painful, especially given your past. For the kids, you gotta be the dad in it and just keep at it unless you want to give up on them completely. I haven't always treated my parents very well and they have often found themselves being the ones that need to reach out. And being under-appreciated by kids - well, that's basically their full-time job. You may have an image of how you would have treated your parents and how you think you may deserve to be treated, which might not be that realistic. They deserve slack, in my opinion. Over time you can work on how you treat each other but just maintain the relationship.

For the (ex not legally) wife, it seems a lot like some of the "divorcemarriages" we have in Asia. The couple remains married on paper but never finalizes it for whatever reasons. You're both adults so you can decide what you will tolerate from her and what you won't. You're probably under no legal obligation to provide whatever you provide. And you've both moved financially from the separation time. So it seems like quite a mess to undo now, but worth considering. Similarly, my ex was an extraordinarily uncaring person. Now my kids are experiencing it. Fundamentally a HER problem, though. As soon as I got that through my thick skull, it hurt a lot less. Her treatment of me was not a reflection of my value - nor is everyone's treatment of you a reflection of yours, but it seems you realize that.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-09-08T17:26:14+00:00

I beg them to return the love I give them but they don't give a damn.

Don't beg, you only come off as needy and that has the opposite effect. People with self-worth don't beg for attention, and it's hard to love someone who doesn't have any self-respect.

But you're on the right track with giving them some space. I have a similar thing going on with one of my two kids. One communicates with me all the time, and with the other, it's like pulling teeth.

The bottom line is: you can't make people love you, even family.

So I'd give them space and reciprocate in kind. If they're not responding to you, give them the gift of your absence. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. This may leave you lonely, but your kids are not there for your entertainment. You want them to be happy, so if they don't want you around, you have to let them do their own thing and wait until they come around. Kids and women are like cats. You just have to let them do their own thing and give them attention when they ask for it. If you chase after them, they will only run away.

If you're lonely, that's something you (and many of us) have to work on. That might mean working on finding another partner or just putting more effort into meeting new people (churches, bars, Meetups, hikes, etc.). This is hard for everyone, but you don't want to make your kids responsible for meeting those needs. They're getting older and will want to do their own thing. Just send them a message every now and then letting them you know you love them and you're thinking about them, and leave it at that.

One final thought: I found one-on-one vacations are a great way to reconnect. If one of your kids is into something, see if you can plan a vacation around it. Take them camping, or to a theme park, or Comicon, or on a road trip somewhere. If they're open to it, do it while they're young. The older they get, the more they'll have their own things going on.

Grand-Expression-493 · 2022-09-08T17:55:03+00:00

It breaks my heart to read this, you're almost the same age as my own father and I could never imagine me isolating him.

I am sorry for your situation. But I agree with others, you are being taken for granted. I am not sure if you would be worse off after a divorce or not, but atleast consult a lawyer to see what would be the best approach for you to take.

TheDivorcedDad · 2022-09-08T20:07:25+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that, and to be honest, something similar happened between my ex and my kids (my son not wanting anything to do with her)

I’m just curious, have you spoken to your kids about it? Why is your daughter so mad at you and doesn’t want to have anything to do with you if your wife kicked you out and initiated the whole thing?

Ordinary_Ad_3107 · 2022-09-09T01:07:31+00:00

I understand your pain. So sorry you are going through this. I hate divorce and have suffered so much since my ex left me after two decades. Keep contact with your kids. Wishing you the best

FUMoney · 2022-09-09T15:27:02+00:00

What the hell? Get a lawyer. File for divorce. Now.

Title	55yr old DAD Against the Wall.
Author	Glittering_Injury_31
Upvotes	23
Comments	27
Date	September 8, 2022 3:25 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/x8p6i5/55yr_old_dad_against_the_wall/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/55yr-old-dad-against-the-wall.1129653 https://theredarchive.com/post/1129653

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