Does this happen to anyone else?

leaving4me · 2026-04-15T13:07:12+00:00

Never, ever, ever let your kids see your disdain for their mother regardless of how much you feel she deserves it. Your relationship with her has changed. It is now a business transaction and you MUST treat it as such. The times of niceties are fake and you need to protect yourself for the process you are about to endure. You need to figure out a way to maintain control moving forward or this type of behavior will bite you in the ass and she will use it against you.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-04-15T04:55:12+00:00

'I hope she stays with AP so I can make their lives miserable etc etc'

I would advise that it is in your best interest to do the opposite.

Accept, detach, forgive and let it go so you can find your peace.

darmitage55 · 2026-04-14T17:32:58+00:00

Glad you apologized. That took something, especially when the anger is that justified.

The part that stuck with me is Friday. Your kids are 5 and 7 and they're about to have their world flipped. Whatever you're carrying right now, try hard not to let it be in the room when you tell them. They'll read every second of your face.

darmitage55 · 2026-04-14T17:32:36+00:00

Glad you apologized. That took something, especially when the anger is that justified.

The part that stuck with me is Friday. Your kids are 5 and 7 and they're about to have their world flipped. Whatever you're carrying right now, try hard not to let it be in the room when you tell them. They'll read every second of your face.

ExtraLettuce555 · 2026-04-14T15:36:26+00:00

The first few months for me was when the storm of emotions was raging. It makes sense that you’re having to grapple with handling yourself right now. But it seems like you’re doing your best to keep composed and that’s a good thing.

Just remember that the strong emotions are going to get out no matter what because it should. So try to manage the when where and how if you can.

ImplementNo2413 · 2026-04-14T15:04:17+00:00

Dude if she's recording and presents it, you're done for...

My wife left me and I filed - I've been recording the behavior you're describing, and my attorney says it's horrible. Also, mentioned the judge in our district doesn't fuck with that.

Hsoltow · 2026-04-14T14:33:28+00:00

Exhibit #1 in that restraining order affidavit... And you kinda deserve it.

FirelineJake · 2026-04-14T14:17:00+00:00

The rage toward her is really grief for your kids and the life you expected, it's totally normal to flip between clarity and losing it completely at this stage. The fact that you caught yourself and apologized says a lot about who you actually are.

waggers5 · 2026-04-14T13:28:16+00:00

I totally understand this. I haven't insulted my STBX to her face but I'm certainly muttering obscenities about her under my breath a lot of the time. Her lack of affection over the years turned me into someone who was bitter and easily angered, and of course it became a vicious cycle.

Mine also had an affair - not a physical one, and emotional one, with another married man. They very nearly slit two families apart, not just one, and it's only when I found out about it and confronted her that they put an end to it. She also went around friends and family slandering me behind my back and getting them to encourage her to divorce me before she even told me she was at all unhappy in our marriage.

Despite all that I still loved her and wanted to forgive her, and for us to reconcile. It has taken months to get over that and to realise I'll be better off without her, and that she had turned me into a person I don't want to be.

I'm beginning to find myself again, to put her behind me and find joy in my life once more. There's still a long journey ahead - we're still living under the same roof while trying to reach a financial agreement which she is making as difficult as she possibly can. But I'm slowly turning back into the real me, and appreciating what a truly awful person she is.

Right up to a few weeks ago I would still have agreed to reconcile if she was willing to, but seeing how she has behaved over the last few years, I'm beginning to understand what a selfish, manipulative, uncompassionate person she really is, and I don't want to be married to that. Good riddance to her.

I'm learning to laugh at her pathetic gameplaying now instead getting angry with her. She does not deserve to have any sort of emotional power over me any more.

EmbarrassedAge7612 · 2026-04-14T13:27:43+00:00

What you are going through is normal especially for having a partner that cheated.

We all go through the different stages of coping with betrayal at different times. I remember being at my desk at work and suddenly realizing how awful my ex was, not just to me but to my kids. The anger was almost paralyzing when it hit.

The thing you need to remember is that what you say now will haunt you later. It may feel good to get things out but as things proceed, she’s going to start using that against you.

Every mean thing said will become more ammunition for her to claim verbal abuse. Then she’ll start claiming it’s been going on the whole marriage. She’s eventually going to be unrecognizable as the person you once knew.

Try to keep emotional responses out of any reactions with her. As things progress, keep private interactions to a minimum. Have witnesses if needed.

There will come a point where she will lie about something in order to protect her reputation and justify herself for cheating. That will come at your expense.

I’ve been divorced from my first wife for 10 plus years. I still have anger for what she did and everything she lied about before, during, and after our divorce. It’s not as powerful as it used to be but it’s still there.

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-04-14T13:19:41+00:00

I would encourage to reframe how you think about power. On the one hand you said "she is weak and terrible at confrontation so I know I have the psychological advantage and I use it to my full effect."

Is this really true if you're taking out your internal emotions on her? I say this as someone who used to do exactly what you did, but the truth is she has the psychological advantage. The more reactionary you are the more easy you will be to manipulate, because that guilt and shame spiral you feel afterwards puts you in a place where you always end up apologizing, right?

My advice would be to accept what's happening and realize that you are completely powerless and unable to undo what has happened. Yes she deserves all the berating and anger you're directing at her, but all it will do is destroy you in the long run. Redirect your anger towards getting yourself the best outcome, which is what I guarantee you she will do. That guilt and shame will cause you to make decisions you will later regret.

New_General_1405 · 2026-04-14T12:50:07+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Anger is a normal reaction to situations of pain and betrayal. It's part of the process, and it's a completely justified emotion in the situation you're in.

The problem with anger is that it takes over all rational thoughts. It increases your adrenaline, which increases your heart rate and gets your body ready to fight. It needs an outlet. The challenge for you is to keep the anger under control, otherwise you'll go overboard. Remember that any violent act, cursing or yelling at her will only work against you in an eventual divorce process. Therefore, until you can control your anger, maintain zero contact. I would consider separating for a while.

You should consider that, despite all the harm she has caused, she is the mother of your children, so you will eventually want a cordial relationship with her (at least in front of the children). This doesn't have to be now, or even next year or so, but it should happen eventually, for the sake of the children.

I would try to see things from a different perspective... being betrayed is not your fault, and feeling angry about it, no matter how natural it may seem, is nothing more than punishing yourself for something you didn't do. The person who betrayed you showed you that they don't care about you, didn't love you, and you can't change that fact, neither with your anger nor with anything else. Of course, anger as an initial reaction seems like a natural reaction to such a situation, but holding onto anger for too long is like voluntarily swallowing poison; it will only block you emotionally and cause physical damage to your health.

So, if I can give you one piece of advice, it's this: prioritize yourself and your children. We men are generally not good at taking care of ourselves. Often, when we go through this type of situation, we end up experiencing feelings of depression, and this can be accompanied by wrong choices such as alcohol, drugs, or sex with random people. Therefore, put yourself in a good place mentally and physically. Be the best father you can be for your children.

Get in touch with your support network (family and friends) for your recovery. I also recommend getting tested for STIs. Seek therapy if necessary. A healthy healing process can involve therapy for you, and it can help you recover and also provide coping tools not only related to this situation but to life in general. Start planning the logistics on your end. Get your affairs in order, make sure this won't harm you financially or emotionally.

Tough_Jackfruit_7161 · 2026-04-14T12:00:50+00:00

Similar situation, I have become a bit of an asshole as I dont care about observing niceties or being friendly coparents with my ex and her Ap come partner. It also doesn't bother me that they probably consider me an asshole to deal with because that is fair in my mind. That said I wouldnt engage in personal attacks.

UrAristotle · 2026-04-14T11:56:27+00:00

Don’t give her things she can use to keep your children away from you.

While in the moment you think it’s the right thing to do or say, you’re giving her ammunition. The courts don’t care about infidelity. They will care that your children have a safe home with you. Stay civil for their sakes.

Shunzi-Dragon · 2026-04-14T11:51:36+00:00

***Get it out, confront her but don't turn into something you have never been. Guard that child in you.

That anger is misdirected cause you yourself asked for divorce several times past 4 years. .. So why instead of counting your blessings that you are giving into the dark anger?? . You were betrayed simple..

I would understand the anger if you wanted to one up her by flirting( or leaning on the her ) with the best friend who always thought you were the nice guy OR calling up her parents and expressing disappointment so that people know she fuc*ked up and not you.

And be the victim that you are... Instead of becoming the' one who mentally and physically harassed her and she gets the sympathy and you the hate.

Remember those parents of hers are your kids Grandparents. The ones who will get custody of the kids in case something happens to her, so it will be the best if you control yourself and not go this path.. In the long run she won't be worth it.

☘️

edu_sysadmin · 2026-04-14T11:40:29+00:00

That's abuse, plain and simple. Get yourself together and see a therapist. All of us in this Reddit have felt your anger but you have to channel it appropriately.

bluephotoshop · 2026-04-14T11:31:21+00:00

You’re opening yourself up to charges of domestic violence.

Title	Does this happen to anyone else?
Author	StillMaterial5215
Upvotes	10
Comments	30
Date	April 14, 2026 11:20 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1sl5r74/does_this_happen_to_anyone_else/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-this-happen-to-anyone-else.1577919 https://theredarchive.com/post/1577919

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