How Long Did it Take?

CB33isGMC · 2023-11-20T11:46:28+00:00

You’re attempting a logical assessment of a completely illogical situation, which will only run you crazy.

You must accept: 1) You will never know the complete truth. 2) Women’s behavior is not dictated by logic.

You can’t effectively “piece everything together” because the reasons provided for failure of your relationship are most likely lies and gaslighting.

They jump on another dick first, then work backwards to create the justifications for doing so.

At that point you are the scapegoat and you’d be a fool to absorb any of the bullshit coming your way.

Lay the “why’s” to rest. They really don’t matter at this point.

Focus your energies on your future.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-11-20T10:51:26+00:00

8 years, 2 kids. Exw is a cheating POS.

Almost 1.5 years later I still think about it but it is becoming less and less. Due go coparenting, I still have to see her which also doesn't help.

My best advice is to work on you and try not to focus on her. Build up the body, do things you always wanted to but couldn't and in time life will improve greatly!

potatotornado44 · 2023-11-20T12:59:55+00:00

You’ll never understand it man, I’m sorry to say.

Hopefully your ex will at least be diplomatic with you and communicate for the sake of the kids.

Mine has decided that I am a demon who is the cause of every problem that she’s ever had, either by something I did, or something I failed to do.

I try to talk with her about things with the kids, and it’s like attempting to speak with a brick wall. Even though her behavior is a violation of the parenting agreement.

Sorry you’re going through this, but work on yourself and maintain a close relationship with your kids.

studley1337 · 2023-11-20T14:17:37+00:00

Took me around 5 months to start mentally accepting some realities about my marriage ending.

I always liked, loved, and trusted my stbxw. I never changed for the worse, stayed true to myself, and for the vast vast majority of important things I’m proud how I was as a husband.

The issue is at some point my wife no longer liked, loved, or trusted me. That was completely out of my control since like I said I was never “not me”.

Example, day after my wife told me she wanted a divorce she asked me if I had been hiding any inheritance from my grandmother (who is STILL ALIVE). This despite the fact, we had completely shared finances, I never once in 10 years lied to my wife, we regularly reviewed our finances together, and this would have been practically impossible for me to hide.

If someone starts choosing to mentally dislike you, not trust you, and wants you to be a villain you’ll never win. While that sucks it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it means they want you to be one.

computergeek89 · 2023-11-20T18:25:28+00:00

The best way is to realize you will never fully understand and to be honest I am not sure it would make it any better if you did know. The sooner you come to grips with this the better. Women are driven by emotion and what have you done for me lately mentality. Everything you ever did that she considered negative will outweigh anything you did that was positive. They create a narrative in their mind that it was all bad and no good.

Most men I know look at the relationship as mostly good with only a few bad and the good outweighs the bad. I just quit trying to figure out her reasoning as it doesn't matter anymore because it does not change the outcome.

I hope you find peace soon.

salty-sheep-bah · 2023-11-20T14:06:57+00:00

Curious how long y'all tried to analyze the relationship and try to understand how you got to the end.

I'm not sure there is an end to the potential analysis, it's more a matter of no longer caring enough to dwell on it any longer.

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-11-20T16:29:08+00:00

20+ years of marriage. We both checked out years before. As far as analyzing, we had already done it.

The shock of divorcing and thinking "this is happening" came with some acute pain that lasted a few months. There was some scrambling once I understood what divorce would do to my finances.

The divorce was miserable. I absolutely blame her. Her behavior was atrocious. She cleaved the family in half. And she did that without reason. She doesn't spend time with our kids. She took every bad decision possible and left us both much worse off just to be petty.

Those were the final nails in the coffin. There's no analysis or loose ends left. It's all a very very very deserved good fucking riddance.

captainchippsixx · 2023-11-20T20:12:35+00:00

Don’t keep silent. Tell your family and hers that she is a cheater. Unless you are going to use it as leverage for divorce if you have the evidence). Don’t let her get off with it impacting her social standing. If you let her control the narrative you will be labeled an abusive spouse and she can deny cheating.

Reflog1791 · 2023-11-20T21:23:51+00:00

She cheated because she wanted to. There isn’t that much to piece together.

I realized this after two years of rumination and second guessing.

My ex was two facing me with a happy Christmas and all the usual lies.

When Christmas rolls around I am happy to visit my parents and siblings. I’m not haunted. I found many many silver linings in shedding the traitor. As for the why, it just became apparent it was what she wanted to do, and that’s it.

yes2matt · 2023-11-20T12:50:51+00:00

I think it has some value. You don't need to be an alcoholic to work the twelve steps. If you're catholic they say "make a good confession " amd that is actually a lot of soul work to do.

But having gotten to where you can see your own part clearly, admit your wrongdoings and face that person in the mirror, you have to get to forgiveness. Then start building. Your kids need a dad who does is own work and presses thru the hard stuff.

Ok_Record · 2023-11-20T20:53:17+00:00

Hey man, if you're interested, I recommend you check out and/or post your story to the survivinginfidelity and infidelity subreddits.

Leading-Oven-1964 · 2023-11-21T05:24:57+00:00

You will never get the truth. No mater what she says to you will have lies. No mater what happened to other people, that didn’t happen to you. Do you best to move forward. I still haven’t figured it out and just realized it doesn’t matter. Another person made the decision and you didn’t.

warrior_up · 2023-11-20T19:16:47+00:00

Very rare for a women to gain confidence during separation without having something lined up - they always do

Defiant_Celery1254 · 2023-11-20T15:17:25+00:00

2 months

techrmd3 · 2023-11-20T22:52:09+00:00

takes a year to get divorced normally unless you give a monetary incentive and are aggressive with the stbew.

As far as "getting over it" it will take about a year after that

Acrobatic_Access_905 · 2023-11-22T22:05:32+00:00

I'm 18 months into the divorce and I can tell you, you never find that peace. You just slowly drown out the thoughts with other things. Healthy things, preferably. It takes a lot of time, but I denied and denied everyone who said I'd get better, and they were right. You will too. The stages of grief are not linear. You'll move forward and backward a lot.

Chemical-War-5380 · 2023-11-21T08:07:31+00:00

My wife committed adultery, hooked up with a drug dealing felon, the kids tell me everything. Now she's leaving at 11pm and not coming home till 5am. Needless to say, she's doing drugs or muling.

Title	How Long Did it Take?
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	18
Comments	23
Date	November 20, 2023 8:40 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17zk1m7/how_long_did_it_take/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-long-did-it-take.1238909 https://theredarchive.com/post/1238909

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