I am afraid.

yes2matt · 2023-06-09T12:06:16+00:00

Hey friend. I am two months past the date you describe. I can tell you a couple things.

It hurts like everything you are afraid of. I described it to people as my body being torn to bits from the inside. For two weeks. Some days there would be multiple times a day when I would break from work and go cry for a few minutes (really cry out loud). But this is actually unsustainable by your physical body so you will get thru it. Try really hard to not medicate with alcohol or binging sweets or porn or anything else. Grit your teeth and dig, it's only six feet.

My (five) children have been surprisingly resilient. They "go to dads house" on weekends and it's not like the fairytale I wanted for them but it isn't terrible either.

The woman is going to be in their lives forever and really in your life forever too, because weddings and graduations and grand babies. So try really hard to treat her good. To her face, behind her back, to the kids, always build her up. If you have a close friend or someplace confidential you can puke the venom thats fine but be a gentleman best you can.

Also take care of you. Keep your diet, your fitness, your personal goals, your integrity intact. Keep your finances intact best you can, its gonna be ugly for a while.

RideATX · 2023-06-09T14:25:38+00:00

Been through it brother... The good news is they will be fine, just show them love and make sure you have a good spot for them when they are with you. They will adjust and make it work, try to keep conflict with the mother limited and focus on yourself and them. I know in the moment it feels like the worst thing ever, but honestly I'm 3 years out and life has settled into a nice routine. Your kids will adjust and be fine.

sbroff · 2023-06-09T10:35:27+00:00

I'm afraid as well, we will tell my kids next weekend. What I'm telling myself every second is that I will still be their father forever. That I might lose some time with them, but I will gain time for me to be a better person when I will be with them. My current relationship is preventing me to be the best person that I know I can be and this will change. My kids will see what I'm really capable of and this will teach them that suffering is not part of a healthy relationship.

Sending my thoughts to you, you can do this. Be the best father and man for them.

AproposWuin · 2023-06-09T12:06:06+00:00

Just keep telling them you love them, and it isn't about them it is between you two.

As a child of, and now a parent to divorce, I can say one thing I took away from my childhood is always assume they will remember. So do what's right so they remember how things should be

WartimeDad · 2023-06-09T11:24:48+00:00

We get through it for them.

InWeGoNow · 2023-06-09T16:47:23+00:00

Tip. Kids at that age tend to only think about themselves. Make sure you address that the separation was not because of them in any way. Let them know how their family is still their family. They will just have two bedrooms now as you will have two apartments. You will both still be there for their birthdays. Their days will continue to be very similar to how they are now. They will not be split from their brother, etc. Afterwards, try to have some family fun with their mother (board games) so they can see they will always have their family. Good luck. It's hard.

Once you get through this, always be positive about their life. You don't have to pretend to be happy about your situation or missing your ex, but their lives are good. They will have friends with divorced parents, so they'll understand and be okay later as long as you're not talking them out of being okay.

Take care of yourself. Your body is about to go through the ringer with stress. Make eating right, sleeping, exercise, etc. a top priority for you. Don't drink it add any depressants.

All that said. Know that your kids know you love them. Emily the heck out of your time with them. You'll all get through this.

Classic_Dill · 2023-06-09T19:45:08+00:00

You get through it, because you have no choice.

texasaaron · 2023-06-10T04:10:01+00:00

Take heart, brother. It's obvious you love your boys deeply. Do not take your foot off the gas on the coaching and after-school activities. Be as involved as you possibly can in ... all of it. Teacher conferences. Scouts. Sports. Birthdays. Holidays. Church, if you have one. Don't give up a minute of any of that.

I'm two years out. My boys were 8 and 10, and the separation was very much not my preference nor my choice. I worried -- still worry -- about how this will affect them for the rest of their lives, the quality of their childhoods, their memories of childhood, their future relationships; I worried -- still worry -- about what their mother's decision signals to them about me as a man and a father; I still chafe at the indignity of hauling stuff back and forth and the inevitable extra expenses involved in duplicating furniture and bikes and, well, an entire home.

I also think adapting to these new circumstances and keeping the focus on my boys is the best thing I can do. It's become a mission for me, and a lot of days I fail to live up to the ideal I have in my mind.

It's the hardest thing I have ever done, and a couple of really good friends have been a literal lifeline. Because the person I thought of as my best friend, my partner ... well, she opted out.

So I hope you have at least one of those friends in your life, another man or dad you can talk to and who will support you, and also call you on your bullshit when needed.

It's a weird thing to take comfort in, but much worse things happen to (probably) better people every single day. At least I know this is true in my case. You are still here and you still get to be a father to your boys. They still get to have a dad.

Best of luck this weekend man. I kinda think it will go better with the boys than your worst fears. Unless they are extreme statistical outliers, they already know lots of people their age who have been through this and are pretty much okay. I know I didn't take that into account at the time of the talk, but I've learned it from my boys since.

Hang in there. It sucks. It gets better.

Personal_Durian5792 · 2023-06-09T11:05:50+00:00

Kids are very resilient and it's probably not helpful to you right now but majority of bad relationships that are kept together just for the children prove to be detrimental to the children you're a good father and you should take solace in that. My 10-year-old daughter understood and we sat down and explained it to her and explain that this didn't change the love that we had for them and if you can it was better that we didn't Point blame at anybody explain what the changes would be and reassure them this was in no way caused by them nor would it change your love for them

ApprehensiveTiger683 · 2023-06-09T14:10:14+00:00

I was you two weeks ago.....she was the love of my life. The love ran deep it still does. In two weeks time that love that would make me take a bullet for her changed from love to hate, to disgust. She isnt even a horrible person she just did one horrible thing....she destroyed my world. How do i cope? I dont. People tell me think about the children thats whats important. I was like fuck you and your advise whos thinking about me? Who is helping me mend this broken heart? Nobody! Im still trying to hang in there and keep it together. I know when i will break. I will break when i live in an apartment on the second floor somewhere. Break because i have to start over.....she gets the house, car, kids and the life she wanted....i get....nothing just a bag of money which in my opinion is the short end of the stick.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-06-09T15:02:57+00:00

Live for yourself.

It’s the only way.

You should never live for others, including your kids.

Crafty_Maintenance75 · 2023-06-09T14:46:22+00:00

I’m not a religious person. But this book has helped me through this divorce. Jesus Speaking: On Overcoming Fear and Developing Trust by Gina Lake. She has other books. It helped me and continues to help me when I have fearful and worrisome thoughts.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2023-06-09T23:00:13+00:00

You should celebrate! Rebirth of your life! Things will get better and they will get better the sooner you end things, forgive any past wrong doings, and move on with your life.

The above statement is coming from a man who lost everything, was criminally charged with rape from ex-wife (without a shred of evidence), spent his life savings to defend himself and see his kids.

LonelyNC123 · 2023-06-09T23:26:42+00:00

I love you brother. Good luck.

INeverSaidThat89 · 2023-06-10T14:09:37+00:00

They don't care where dad lives. They just want to be with dad. Go hiking, bowling, etc. Just work on making memories. Also, reassure them you will always be there for them.

Good luck, Brother.

Ok-Software4407 · 2023-06-10T21:17:12+00:00

Thank you everyone. We got through it. I am trying to focus on the positives for them.

We have no custody plan or financial separation so a ton of the questions could not be answered (the choice of timing this was not mine).

Really, thank you fellow humans. This day has been one of the hardest.

Taking them for ice cream shortly . . .

pk2at · 2023-06-09T16:14:57+00:00

I would say learn to focus on yourself. Also your 'obsessive love' for the boys may likely be used against you in court by your wife

realitycheckmate13 · 2023-06-09T20:33:13+00:00

As others have said make sure they understand its in no way their fault. Life is short do what you have to do to find happiness. Its not fun but probably necessary for everyone.

Micro_Peanuts · 2023-06-09T21:04:39+00:00

Sadly, detachment, especially during circumstances you can't control. I went from praying to God, to begging God, to screaming at God, to now ignoring God. This is an evil evil world and fathers and children are its victims.

mostly80smusic · 2023-06-09T21:10:41+00:00

What’s the custody situation?

yods35 · 2023-06-09T22:30:55+00:00

I have two boys and although they are much younger than yours, I’d like to give you some advice. This will be more difficult because yours are older, and you will no doubt have to have some harder conversations but how you frame it is going to be so important! If you sit them down and have a somber, depressing conversation where you start crying, then they start crying, you are setting the tone for the coming months (possibly years). Frame it as a positive! Tell your boys they are now going to have 2 homes that love them! Tell them the special things you’ll get to do on your weekends together. Make sure they know both you and their mom love them unconditionally. And no one is to blame (especially themselves), why would anyone be to blame with this is a positive? Keep coaching them! You said “I just wanted to be a great father”. Well guess what??? Nows your fucking chance. It’s easy to be a good father when times are good. Being a great father is doing it when times are hard and your boys need you. That’s right fucking now. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The situation is what it is. Time to step up and be a great father. Right now. This second. They need you.

Toni_Jabroni77 · 2023-06-10T00:53:27+00:00

I really focused with my kids on how the split was just “change” and that they didn’t need to anticipate good or bad, that there would be positives and negatives to be had in every change and encouraged them to go with the the flow and express their thoughts and feelings.

Title	I am afraid.
Author	Ok-Software4407
Upvotes	39
Comments	36
Date	June 9, 2023 8:45 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/144zqbw/i_am_afraid/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-am-afraid.1221699 https://theredarchive.com/post/1221699

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