Marriage counseling fail

Gribblethwip · 2023-07-13T23:09:26+00:00

As you’re about to hear from your dozens of dimensional clones who went through the same thing; the wife made her decision long before telling you. She’s done. None of the facts matter except as ammunition for her to rationalize her emotional need to leave. Marriage counseling at this point is a waste of money that needs to go to your preparations.

sak144 · 2023-07-14T00:46:50+00:00

You don't want to hear this but need to: You are wasting your time and money. Don't be a fool.

Marriage counseling is a giant scam used to suck money away from you and to tell the wife that she is right in every situation and you are wrong. Go get your own personal therapist to help you through what is coming and forget this nonsense.

Drjaydvm · 2023-07-13T23:41:58+00:00

The marriage counselor we went to for many years always sided with my ex and basically the solution was that I needed to change, not her. He was a man FYI. The second counselor was an older lady who saw right through my ex's BS, needless to say we didn't go to her for long lol. It's all a waste of time and money

Noodletrousers · 2023-07-14T00:14:02+00:00

You’re only an asshole for wasting money on marriage counseling😉. You tried, we all tried. Now it is time to move forward.

catter3423 · 2023-07-14T00:44:24+00:00

Argh. I hear this. Wasted $1500 or so on couples counselling but she had already checked out. I’d read all the crap and try the “homework” but she wasn’t engaged at all. You’re not alone.

BearsEatBooty · 2023-07-14T04:31:32+00:00

Marriage counseling is before signs of divorce. Going to the marriage counselor is like trying to prevent a disease you already have.

Gattsama · 2023-07-14T01:05:33+00:00

Counseling only works if both parties are invested in trying to find solutions but are having trouble on their own. Counseling NEVER works when one parry wants out. It doesn't change minds. Your wife decided months, if not years ago, that she wanted out. She just didn't tell you until now. She had already grieved, released, and moved on. You are still processing everything.

But once someone tells you it's over, believe them! In my case, together for 17 years, married 12. About 9 years into the marriage, we tried counseling, and it was helpful; it demonstrated to me that we were not healthy or workable. But I ignored that message case I wanted us to work somehow 😪 In 2009 I moved out for about 5 days, in 2021 she told me to leave. Once out of the house I had never been more peaceful and stress free.

I called up our old counselor and he basically said "sounds like you should let this one go." I ultimately filed Feb 2021.

No one can tell you what to do. But history and statistics are not on your side. You can't convince her to want to be married. And 99%+ chances are you are wasting your time. Sorry brother...

Duchesst · 2023-07-14T13:34:57+00:00

You go to a counselor expecting them to help you show her reason. Woman don't do reason or at least not very well, they run on emotion and reason seldom wins from emotion. You have a better change of pointing out a rainbow in the sky to a blind person and expecting them to see it.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2023-07-14T01:47:22+00:00

Get out! This is a horror movie in the making. ℹ experience this right now, it has been the ride of my life, currently separated and each lawyer in the thick of divvying up custody and properties. I’m paying $6K per month for CS. We went through counseling and my STBX pretty much used it deliberately , methodically and willfully as a legal strategy and an effective collusion with the counselor. He was soo shamelessly on her side that I stopped going but he continued to insist that I continue. I had to block him! Obviously my wife did the yelling, I never do even simple things right, comes home late daily from work, had some dates but I couldn’t get eyewitnesses or audiovisual documentation. She was trash and yours sounds like one too. If my experience was anything, it will get worse. We now communicate only through the court ordered app and she is blocked on my phone. Women ( majority) are cruel when they lead the relationship. They hate it when they get it ( that leadership), and you will pay dearly ( in many psychological ways than one). Counseling is the cape diem of many a relationship, the figurative napalm bomb disguised as a balm.

mrk177 · 2023-07-14T01:05:53+00:00

Sorry man I hope all works out for you in the end. At least you can say that you tried.

I’ve been here myself my circumstances were a little different. We were arguing a lot, she was working all the time, she hadn’t said divorce yet but she was implying it. We agree to try marriage counseling. We had done it earlier in our marriage and it actually worked great.

Not so much this second time. We argued the entire time. The therapist tried to take control but we ended up just talking over her. We had two sessions on the second session the therapist said she can’t help us and asked if we wanted a recommendation to another therapist. We declined and left.

I ended up caving on the points of contention we stayed together for two more years after that then divorced about two years ago.

Again I hope everything works out for you.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2023-07-14T02:05:29+00:00

Counseling doesn’t work when both of you are wiling to find who done it and ask them to change. Counseling works when when you want to change, and strive to improve yourself, to be more effective. Happiness is an inside job. Of course some spouse might prove supportive. It’s not something you do for anyone.

JD-Anderson · 2023-07-14T12:17:39+00:00

I went to marriage counseling with my X years ago. He was an amazing counselor and he became my personal counselor after the divorce and is somewhat responsible for the man I became post divorce. After the divorce we talked about our marriage counseling sessions and I asked him why he would do this and do that. He said “I saw what was going on with you guys, and how you had no life in your eyes. I knew at the time even though she wanted the divorce and you didn’t, a divorce is exactly what you needed”. Massively paraphrasing because this convo happened a decade ago.

Our counselor saw what neither of us could see and he tried his best but he knew I needed to get out of that marriage though I wanted to make it work. Years later I look back and he was 100% right. I wouldn’t have made it another year with that woman.

FUMoney · 2023-07-14T18:16:10+00:00

She is reluctant even up to the moment of showing up to the counselor. One of the first statements out of her mouth is "I see no way forward." My opening is essentially "I love my wife, I hope this is a lull that we can work through."

Dude, you had your answer. Right from the jump. When a woman pursuing divorce says, "I'm done" it means she is done. Done. Done. Men, you always accept this at face value, period, end of story. It takes a lot for a woman to voice this publicly, and especially to a stranger/counselor. And when she does, she is so far done with you and the marriage that it is absolutely, unconditionally, 100% finished. Why are you men NOT getting this message -- despite the fact it's been said here and elsewhere hundreds, if not thousands, of times?

Going into your session, you know your wife says, "divorce." And you thought this was a "lull"? Are you high? And talking about love? You are so far off the mark that I mean this respectfully: it's pathetic. She doesn't give a shit dude. And the harsh truth is this: you saying you "love [your] wife" was repulsive to her. She no longer wants you, the relationship, the marriage; your every Hallmark Moment attempt is total repellent to her.

Finally, men, buy a clue: marriage counseling is just about guaranteed to fail and is a massive, massive waste of time and money. Perhaps in a rare case involving drugs, alcohol, or gambling an outside intervention can work. But when a woman says "I'm finished"? It. Is. Over. Get it through your heads, men: the marriage is done. The relationship is done. She is gone. Do not waste your time, money, resources on nonsense "counseling." She was gone many months, and likely years, ago.

wisstinks4 · 2023-07-14T17:30:32+00:00

OP, sorry to read about this crappy situation. Couple quick questions, How many children? What ages? If young, fight for marriage. If older, let your stbxw go smash new guy. You are right she is sneaking around.

Counselor had the punt blocked. Ruined play. You’re on your own 15yrd line, back against the wall. Do you feel like payton manning or ryan leaf?

I wish you well in this situation hoping for a good outcome for you.

shadderjax · 2023-07-16T03:25:39+00:00

Oh sure, we tried marriage “counseling”. After 6 sessions the Counselor called me and told me that he thought he was wasting my time because he said she was convinced she couldn’t change her aggressive personality, and I guess that’s right. So I moved 2,500 miles away, I now live in Boulder by myself and am enjoying my final years (I turn 69 next December). Got plenty of money. We were together over 40 years, thank _od I’m away from her!

DucatiDrew · 2023-07-15T00:31:16+00:00

You need a male counselor and one that is masculine but emphatic.

throwra_morrismatch · 2023-07-15T16:05:24+00:00

It's too bad that the counselor couldn't move on to something else to compromise on. Not very thoughtful on their part.

My experience with couples counseling varies from most of the comments here but as it goes, all of our situations are different. 2 years ago my wife decided we were divorcing. I managed to get her to couples counseling with the intention of communicating better in our next chapter as divorced co-parents. The counselor (a man) was quite incredible. He got my wife talking and opening up, something she'd never do with me one on one. He got her to see that her complete lack of communication in the relationship, her extreme conflict avoidance, and her refusal to work to solving our problems was a big cause of our issues. And I needed to listen more and not push her to talk when she was basically stone walling me. This toxic-cycle was pushing us further away from each other. She was supposed to learn to push herself to engage with me more, and I learned new depths of patience and accommodation (sometimes waiting up to a week after a raised concern for her to be able to talk to me). Doing so as a "we have a problem let's discuss and resolve it now" personality type has been really challenging for me, but I've done it for her and for us.

It worked and for about a year we were in a better place, having routine check-ins with each other to see how things were going. Then one day she decided to go back into her shell again. Everything was "fine" when she was asked but I could tell it wasn't. She did her whole quiet-quitting of our relationship once again. After a big fight, we're back to where we were 2 years ago, and she's brought divorce back to the table.

Counseling works if both sides are committed to positive change and reconnecting when conflict arises, which is inevitable in life, with anyone we're close with. I've learned that I am dedicated to doing so while my wife is very much not. It's as simple as that, she doesn't want to put in the work so we're at a breaking point, as would any relationship be.

Fast forward to today, our path of relationship counseling begins again with the same counselor so we'll see what happens next. Once again she's not put in any work but is also deeply convinced that divorce is the only option. "I've done nothing and I'm all out of ideas" is what I verbalize in my head as my wife's imaginary mantra - it helps me laugh about the absurdity of my situation and de-stress a bit.

I'm resigned to the fact that if we do come together once again, it will be a matter of time before she decides that not communicating her feelings or being concerned about mine (I'd like occasional affection and to feel desired once in a while - big asks, I know) is a totally reasonable thing to do and we'll once again be facing unhappiness and then divorce.

My goal is to buy time until my kids are older and potentially out of the house to spare them the trauma. I have a lot of great things in my life between my career, friendships and hobbies/pursuits, so I feel enriched enough in many ways to deal with the loneliness of a walled-off partner. But then again, I'm not the one calling for divorce...

So that's my story and context. Counselors certainly vary in capability and success. NY Times had an interesting article on that. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/16/magazine/does-therapy-work.html Finding the right therapist/counselor in a time of crisis, one that matches with your personalities, is a freaking unbelievably challenging task. That said I appreciate that doing so has bought me 2 more years with my family and creating many happy memories together, even if that's the extent of the benefit.

Title	Marriage counseling fail
Author	throwaway0677645
Upvotes	10
Comments	42
Date	July 13, 2023 10:12 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14yy5xq/marriage_counseling_fail/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/marriage-counseling-fail.1225187 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225187

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