Please help.

Classic_Dill · 2024-08-26T15:13:17+00:00

I was cheated on, so I was already excepting of her being with other people, and I honestly shocked myself by how indifferent I even was to it, proves that my love for her had died quickly! So I honestly didn’t go through any of that, if you don’t have any resolution of why the marriage is ending? That’s difficult because you don’t know if you honestly did anything wrong or there’s something you need to work on or it may be her! She could be the problem as well, but it would be nice to have more answers so you could work on yourself, I’m really against my kids who are in their 20s now meeting anybody in my life unless I’ve been dating them for at least a year and a half to two years, anything before that is absolutely ridiculous, my ex-wife introduced her boyfriend to my kids three months into dating any family time she has with the kids, which is very rare, because she has abandoned them. Basically, she has to bring her boyfriend. The kids can never just visit with her mother, you’re gonna have to get used to that as well, she’s also going to paint you as a monster to her new boyfriend. I hope you understand that, I do not understand, getting out of a marriage and then getting back into a relationship within less than two years, that to me sounds crazy! That shows me somebody who has not taken the time to heal, I think your wife is going to struggle down the road.

keencone · 2024-08-26T05:57:22+00:00

Your boys’ compass will always point to DAD.

There’s nothing wrong with saying you that you aren’t okay with him meeting your kids or being involved with them.

She’s definitely going to do whatever she wants either way, but expressing personal boundaries re: your kids doesn’t make you a bad or toxic person.

You don’t need to meet what’s-his-name or even acknowledge his existence if you aren’t ready. He’s not their Dad and never will be.

Double-down on your boys’ time with your parents and brother, those are important bonds to keep cultivating.

GreenCod8806 · 2024-08-26T02:10:02+00:00

Good she can make someone else’s life miserable. Rejoice!

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-08-25T13:56:03+00:00

OP, no need to met the guy. Maybe after they have been together for a year or so. And don’t let OP use him to drop-off the kids, don’t give an inch.

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2024-08-25T06:41:59+00:00

Yep rejection sucks. It’s never nice when you get replaced but that’s the risk of being in a relationship. The funny thing is, even though she was the one who rejected you , I guarantee when you meet someone new she will have the same feeling of rejection to some extent (although you’ll never hear it directly of course ) It’s how it is and your feelings are completely normal.

Knightrider319 · 2024-08-25T02:56:16+00:00

Never easy, hang in there man. Focus on your kids and yourself. Be civil when meeting them, you want them to be nice to your kids as well, no one will ever replace you as your children’s father.

MsunuKany0k0 · 2024-08-25T02:42:23+00:00

Great advice in all these messages. Feel those feelings and move on as you can.

As others have said she is informing you ahead of time which didn’t happen for me either. Knowing she is seeing someone broke me inside but it helped me let go more and I am on my way through this hell because of that. If it hadn’t happened I may still think we would get back together and that’s just not reality. Mine moved a guy in before the divorce was final and lied about the relationship claiming it was a friend just living on the property not in the house. Be thankful for the heads up

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-08-25T02:08:09+00:00

This is actually great news. I know it hurts like hell but two things:

1) You have a great co-parent for giving you a heads up. Most won't do this and you will hear it from the kids. You picked well. This bodes well for when you find a new partner.

2) Now you can finally let go and move on. You had that fantasy you might still get back together. Now you can lay that fantasy to rest and start living your life. Be happy you didn't lose more time stuck in fantasyland.

This is one of the final boss battles. The next will be marriage. The last will be her having kids with another man. But I feel this is actually the hardest as you still had that tiny hope she would come running back saying it was a huge mistake to leave you. For the next 2 you will have laid that to rest already.

Stay strong. Take pity on this guy he has no idea what he signed up for. Like clockwork when your kids are grown and out of the house your ex is going to dump him and move on to a guy she really likes.

wroubelek · 2024-08-25T01:08:51+00:00

That sounds like a lot of pain you're in rn.

Feel pathetic, weak, soft that i should still care this long after.

I think when you two married, you made an oath of sorts. Usually, people vow not to leave the other person. She has left and abandoned you. You haven't abandoned her (at least emotionally and mentally). You kept your part of the promise, she didn't. Who's the weak/pathetic one here? ⁂

Tell the boys their mum would rather they had a different dad but you're still their dad and you love them. And that they'll be introduced to him but that doesn't mean you're no longer their dad. Something of the sort—you know them best.

———
⁂ Now, of course, it needs to be added that this is not true in all possible cases. Because sometimes you really do need to escape from an abusive relationship but this doesn't sound like it.

Comparing myself why wasn’t I good enough

🤷‍♂️ Dude, as long as we have free will, there's nothing you can do to stop someone else from exercising it. It's not dependent on you being this or that.

techrmd3 · 2024-08-24T23:05:45+00:00

oh and another thing, you can bet ANY woman family member or woman friend will say the EXACTLY WORST thing to you if you open up to them.

They will assume that you displaying any emotionalism about ex means "still not over", "you are not healed" blah blah blah

only tell your problems concerning ex to another man, only men understand what you are going through

techrmd3 · 2024-08-24T23:03:07+00:00

ah the coded "I'm seeing someone"

let me translate that for you: She is sleeping with someone and since there will be a man at the breakfast table when the boys get up she's telling you now that's she's getting nightly entertainment.

I don't know why women go about this why they minimize the new love as "I'm seeing someone". If it was a fling (just seeing) then no need for introductions no?

Oh and the normal, act weird until dad asks "what's going on" then "oh I'm seeing someone's crotch now I didn't want to upset you so I'm saying it this way"

meanwhile women being human of course they want to twist the knife a bit. (na na na see what you are not getting anymore?)

Just remember how this impacts you, and remember that SHE will also go through this when you eventually have a girlfriend.

SuperConfused40 · 2024-08-24T23:00:52+00:00

How long has she been seeing them? I don't want some short-term guy meeting my kids. She needs to be dating him for at least 6 months. Think of the impact this has on the kids...why is every woman in such a rush to introduce their kids.

My ex wanted to fly a guy in and have him stay with her the week she had our kids. I said flat no. She had never met him in person before but talked to him online for a few months. That is ridiculous imo.

I get the feeling hurt of her moving on, but it's a blessing and should help you move on, too.

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-08-24T21:49:08+00:00

Agree. This is a blessing to get you to move into indifference. Ask yourself why you even care? She clearly doesn't care about your feelings. Why are you wasting your time? Hit the gym, get into shape, and go find someone right for you. Do it for you though, not to make her envious. The sooner you stop letting her.live rent free in your head, the happier you will be.

I_Touched_Grass · 2024-08-24T21:48:43+00:00

At least she gave you a heads up. My ex moved her AP into the house within 3 days of me moving out lol

Bretweir_jerky · 2024-08-24T21:48:25+00:00

I swear, they not only get the cash and prizes for the divorce, they seem to enjoy the destruction of the family. It’s why they love this “co-parenting” Bull shit. It’s like the socially approved way of getting the free babysitter so they can go get tan thru. And if you have a problem with it, they have all their social media validation waiting to say what a monster you are. And they never stop. When my ex called me over because my dog died, she made sure to put out @a bunch of garbage she found in the basement” that since I was coming over I could see if I wanted. Not only was I looking at my dog but the “garbage” was all the letters and crafts the kids made for me during their school years. Like Father’s Day cards and pictures. They are pure fucking evil

HereinPA1 · 2024-08-24T21:47:06+00:00

It’s one of the necessary evils of divorce, finding out your ex has a new man. My ex was in a new relationship 7 weeks after telling me she wanted a divorce, and we were together for 22 years. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was 10 years later, the reality that you’ve been replaced hits hard.

It’s a horrible feeling, and as you state and know, it was inevitable. Use this as the final nail in the coffin of your life that once was and always look forward to your life of what will be.

You’ve been given a fresh blank canvas to create the life YOU want for you and your kids. Who she is, who she’s with and what she does is inconsequential to you now. You’ve been knocked down but have crossed the last hurdle, stand back up and keep being the bad ass you are.

RevolutionaryAge8959 · 2024-08-24T21:30:06+00:00

Great news, other one will suffer your ex, keep the distance and be absolutely neutral and indifferent about the situation it’s natural and you only care about your boys, don’t ask anything the less you know the better

iSurvivedltd · 2024-08-24T21:28:08+00:00

To be expected brother. None of us got married with the intent to be here, but here we are.

Tell her when she’s ready you are willing to meet her new guy. Play it cool. Be friendly with buddy. You know she’s told him shit about you so you wanna make it seem like she’s the problem and not you.

Always keep a cool head and be strong 🍻

Title	Please help.
Author	Miserable_Ad_1172
Upvotes	15
Comments	39
Date	August 24, 2024 9:23 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f0fzy8/please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/please-help.1528264 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528264

Comments