Separation Recommendations

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-11-27T14:24:03+00:00

Before you get your thoughts wrapped up in making decisions you should have a frank discussion with an attorney. He/she can best advise you on how to fiscally proceed.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2023-11-27T14:35:48+00:00

Nesting, unless its very........very short term, is an absolute nightmare. You have two parents that are never settled, always living in someone else's space, and can't move on from the marriage. And while people do it "for the kids", the ONLY thing that doesn't change for the kids every week is the physical space they live in.

You wife is assuming that you'll move out, keep paying the mortgage, and that she and the kids will continue on their comfortable lives. I would talk to an attorney immediately. They can guide you through the options in your area. I would also advise against any sort of "separation". If she want a divorce, oblige her. A separation is only going to extend the period of time you're supporting her and her delusions of keeping the house. You don't need her permission to file.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2023-11-27T14:47:40+00:00

Nesting is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What an absolute nightmare.

Divorce is expensive. The amount of people here that are willing to leave their wife and family and won’t give up their precious mortgage is amazing to me.

Your life will miserable the longer you stay connected to her. Cut the strings and move on.

Xan-Diesel · 2023-11-27T15:23:18+00:00

The woman you're interacting with here isn't the person you once knew. That individual is gone. The husk of a person you'll be interacting with is diametrically opposed to you. She will try to make you suffer. When you look back on this after everything's been finished and settled for a while you'll realize that conceding and being equitable was foolish because you were interacting with a stranger, not your wife.

Your kids (depending on their ages) will remember the strangeness. Get things over as quickly as possible but don't fool yourself into thinking "nesting" will insulate them from the things to come. Yank the bandaid off as quickly as possible and get moving. The longer you wait the more damage can potentially occur.

Any_Temperature_3549 · 2023-11-28T00:21:07+00:00

Talk to the lawyer. That will help you to define your goals and ways to achieve them.
Nesting is horrible idea. It will be confusing to kids and annoying (and expensive) for adults. Sleeping in the living room would do better short term, tbh. If you want/can sell the house, do it asap, get new place and have kids with you for, let’s say, 2 weeks, and with her for same 2 weeks.
If it helps anyhow - many women go into cheating and divorce after the 2nd kid. Sad statistics. They feel tired, overwhelmed and instead of making that part clear to their actual partner and asking for more help they fall for whoever comes handy.

BurnerAcctBasketball · 2023-11-28T04:37:16+00:00

I am just now coming out of your exact same situation: 2 young kids, wife raised the idea of divorce, turns out she was having an affair, we've lived in new-construction house for two years, we have ultra-low interest rate, wife wanted to do "nesting," and there was no way I was letting her keep the house (which she couldn't afford on her own anyway; I make a lot of money, and she's a SAHM).

Everything everyone else has written is 100% true.

Nesting is bonkers. You will drive each other crazy, PLUS once the trust breaks down between the two you--and make no mistake, it will--you will start snooping on each other, going through each other's private stuff, anything to give yourself an advantage in divorce/money/custody proceedings. That is a very dangerous position to be in, especially as the husband. All it takes is for the wife to say she "feels uncomfortable," and that's enough to get a court order kicking you out for the pendency of divorce proceedings.

Note also that there is a VERY STRONG correlation between mothers who want divorces after having affairs and nesting, because the mothers are trying to absolve themselves of the guilt of breaking up the family by claiming that nesting is "best for the kids." It's not. There are many other posts on this sub about nesting and its horrors. Read them. My lawyer, my ex's lawyer, and our mediator all agreed that nesting is crazy. I simply stayed in the house, and refused any invitations by my ex to spend even one night away from home or the kids. If she wanted "space," she was more than welcome to stay at a friend's or relative's. I wasn't going anywhere. It got very tense, but we kept it civil around the kids. She stayed in the guest bedroom, I stayed in the master bedroom.

I fought to keep our house, and I'm getting it in the settlement. Mostly that is because we have an amazing interest rate and we live in an area where housing prices are rapidly increasing, so the house will be worth another 15-20% in just a few years, and given where interest rates are now, it would be very near the same payment for a smaller house. I also wanted to keep the house so that the kids would have a familiar place and look forward to spending time with me (50/50 custody). And, frankly, I just didn't want to move, since we just moved fewer than two years ago. That said, it's way more house than I need (even with 50/50 custody of two kids), and I'm spending more than I need to (although I can afford it). Plus, now that I'm single, I only get $250k of the capital gains shield, rather than $500k, so I'll take a bigger tax hit when I sell the house. Truth be told, if I hadn't gotten the house and we just sold it and split the equity, I'd be fine--I'd have found some cool, smaller place, or a truly awesome three-bedroom apartment that my kids would love. And I think it might be kind of weird to take dates back to a large house where I used to live with my ex. But financially it was the right call, and my kids will appreciate staying in the same house. Your mileage may vary, though.

You make it sound like your wife is looking for an amicable resolution. DO NOT BELIEVE IT. They all start out wanting "amicable" divorces--because, again, they don't want the guilt of a prolonged battle that could be hard on the kids--but once the chips are on the table and you're hammering out terms, they become rapacious, voracious harpies. Remember: she is no longer your friend, and she is no longer the woman you married. She is now just an opponent in very expensive litigation. Treat her like that. Do not fall for any sob stories, any appeals to emotions, or any platitudes about "best interests of the children" (which she will use to justify every unreasonable demand). Get a good attorney, take control of the situation, get to mediation, get a favorable settlement, and get out quickly--then go be an amazing dad to those awesome kids, and leave her in the rear view mirror. Good luck.

Lances-a-lot · 2023-11-27T16:22:20+00:00

Get her TF out. Why are you even asking? You know what to do. Stand up for yourself.

Training_Ad1368 · 2023-11-27T16:33:03+00:00

Talk to an attorney to find out if you live in a no fault state. That would determine what she can get.

captainchippsixx · 2023-11-28T01:05:18+00:00

Try to convince her she to live with the affair partner. I would call both your family and hers and say we are getting divorce because she is a cheater. Don’t sit back on the defensive. Stay on the offensive. If you can’t stay in house force the sale, or use as leverage to net a better assets deal for yourself.

Reflog1791 · 2023-11-27T18:48:25+00:00

If the price is right get over your ego and get bought out. You can get more $$$ out of this than split and sell because you don’t pay selling costs.

I’m just saying do what gets you the best financial deal. Your financial moves right now will have a longer impact than your feelings about the divorce.

vickyprodigy · 2023-11-28T13:24:50+00:00

Id recommend keeping the house. I did. I have 2.85% with 11 more years to go. No way in hell was I going to give up the house. We never built good memories here... so I dont have the problem of memories haunting me.

How the hell did u get 2.5 a year ago? Interest rate shit hit the ceiling 2.5 years ago???

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-11-27T15:41:38+00:00

In my case, I had the wife buy me out of the equity in our house. She bought the house when we 1st started dating so for me, it was a chance to leave bad memories behind, start new ones and also have a sizeable chunk of money for my new place.

The interest rate environment sucks but I am alleviating that by paying extra right away on the principle to get to a favorable spot on the amortization curve. I'll then recast and be "OK". That being said, having my new place free of the stain of a cheating exw is wonderful and my kids are doing well. Plus, they got to keep their bedrooms at the old house the same and decorate their new rooms with me. Ask if you have any questions OP.

Intimacy4u · 2023-11-28T02:41:03+00:00

She will go from fair to victim overnight.

Do not blame yourself and do not believe her lies.

Every manipulation will be tried during court proceedings and She already planned her strategy.

Move fast and lawyer up, control the process and initiate.

Get used to phrases and platitudes like

This is best for the kids

I only want what’s best for children future.

Amicable divorce and no parental alienation.

Prepare for mental gymnastics and emotional rollercoaster, Skull duggery and mind fucckeery.

Suggestions. Court approved co parenting App. Record all communication. Limit to written and verified emails. Avoid the he said , she said.

Do NOT move out of your house. No matter how much 🐊 tears and temper tantrums follow.

Prepare for history to be altered to suit her narrative. I wish you best of luck.

South_Masterpiece543 · 2023-11-29T21:39:52+00:00

Read this:

http://www.nacsdc.org/images/Primal%20loss%20paperback5.pdf

pk2at · 2023-11-27T18:01:28+00:00

You'll have to give more details on who has title to house, which state you are in etc. An attorney is totally useless when it comes to asset preservation as all they can tell is to you'll give up 50% of it (which is absolutely not true)

Royal_Win5362 · 2023-12-21T17:18:57+00:00

It all comes down to your budget/monthly expenses. You need to look at the overall settlement numbers - how much you are getting, how much is the house really worth, if nesting - what's your new housing cost; if keeping the house, would you have enough to pay for her equity, if selling the house, are you going to rent or buy and what your budge is. Is that better to keep the current monthly payment or is it going to be higher with the rest of the settlement package - child support/alimony if any. There's a toolthat may help you get a better picture.

Title	Separation Recommendations
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	11
Comments	28
Date	November 27, 2023 2:10 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1853tam/separation_recommendations/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/separation-recommendations.1239477 https://theredarchive.com/post/1239477

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