something I can't figure out

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-03-12T00:24:39+00:00

Your lizard brain is scrambling because you lost your mate. Your human brain wants validation that you meant something to her. That's why this bothers you so much.

You need to step back. Heck you need to hover 30,000 feet above. You need to recognize that this is 1 regular human with a vagina among 4 billion. But more than anything, you need to allow yourself to miss her and miss your marriage. Grieving is an important part of this journey.

upandatom85 · 2024-03-11T04:47:24+00:00

This is another cut and paste I stole :

I call this the light-switch effect. And it happens when a woman is no longer attracted to you and is moving on, whether or not she cheated.

It's not that she's discrediting all the past good in the relationship, she actually believes it never existed. Let me expand on that a little, and tie it into what we call Briffault's law.

Women use their emotional state to define reality- we already know this. When a man feels an emotion, he asks, what could have caused this emotion? Is it reasonable and rational? Perhaps it is, or is not, but exploring this line of reasoning is how he determines whether or not his feelings match objective reality. If the facts don't line up, perhaps his reaction was wrong.

When a woman feels an emotion, she uses this as her objective reality. Why would she feel betrayed unless somebody had betrayed her? Why would she feel sad unless somebody or something made her sad?

Therefore the decisions she makes based on her reality may seem like total nonsense to a man (women are crazy, right?), because she has determined her reality based on the only prime truth she knows: her emotional state. If a woman is sad, she tells you "you made me sad." She didn't decide her emotional state, you did. Changing her own emotional state is outside the purview of her control.

So that means the emotional state she is experiencing means that you've done something to create that state, intentionally or not. Since she is sad, you've made her sad. Her objective reality states that you've done something wrong to make her sad. This is where a lot of arguments begin, because the man mistakenly will argue "you've taken what I said the wrong way, of course I didn't mean it that way," and to her, it doesn't matter what is rational or reasonable. She is sad and she wouldn't be sad if there wasn't a reason to be sad. Her sadness defined this reality for her. If you hadn't done something worthy of her being sad about, she simply wouldn't be sad.

So back to the light-switch effect. When you've been with a woman for multiple years, and things start going sour, you experience the revisionist history where she claims to have "never loved you" or that you were "always abusive." Yes, the always/never statements. And what they reflect isn't a reality, rather, they reflect her new reality based on her emotions.

The thought process looks much like this: If true love is permanent and real, and I am not feeling true love for this person, but rather disdain and anger, then I must be feeling this way because of who they are. They make me feel bad, so they cannot be good. And since this person makes me feel bad I could not have loved them, because I would never love somebody who makes me feel bad (the qualities he exhibits now must have been inherent qualities he has always had and the feelings I have now must have always been true). So I must have never loved them. The entire relationship must have been a lie. Real true love would be permanent, and this is not permanent, so it was never real true love.

And just like that, her emotional state defines a new reality, where nothing was ever good and everything was based on a lie. Like a light-switch goes from on to off, everything that you two had built disappears into the off position, as though it had never existed.

Many men at this stage try to bargain. "After all we've been through together, how can you throw this away? We can still salvage this!"

And it's a pointless question. What is she throwing away? Absolutely nothing, in her mind. If there was any value in the relationship, she wouldn't feel this way. Therefore there must not have been value in the relationship.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-03-11T04:33:13+00:00

It's ok to write a letter, just don't send it.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-11T02:10:09+00:00

The hearts wants what it wants no matter what. It will take a while to get her out of your DNA. 18 years is a long time. I was 21 years, but when I got her out of my heart, it was priceless. Like a weight lifted off my chest. So enlightening. Be cordial, fair and to the point. Time to set boundaries and move on with your life in a positive way. Time to be selfish and start working on you. You deserve it!

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-03-11T02:07:45+00:00

With many, when they are done they are done.

redragtop99 · 2024-03-11T00:05:09+00:00

You have to let it go. It doesn’t matter what she thinks anymore, and you don’t have to forgive her so stop wasting your time trying. Just move on with your life w your focus on you and stop thinking about her or what she thinks or what she thought when you were married.

These people change at the drop of a dime. The wife you knew no longer exists and for all intents and purposes she’s gone. The woman who is in your wife’s body is someone you don’t know.

captainchippsixx · 2024-03-10T22:56:16+00:00

Stop simping. She is already banging new guys. You remind her of what a shitty person she is ( I assume she did something because you said forgiving). Which goes against the narrative she tells herself and new guys that you were controlling and abusive.

Start being indifferent to her.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-10T22:46:48+00:00

It’s out of your circle of control. Shut off all communication with her and move on.

warwww · 2024-03-10T22:26:07+00:00

Well you better figure it out fast, otherwise you’re in for a world of pain.

What would help to heal is to mirror, I am all for leaning Into the pain as that is the best form of healing but at the onset you must sometimes fake it to make it to gain momentum if you will.

Some partners will absolutely thrive off of your turmoil, for most it is a huge ego boost to say they filed first etc and that they are leaving. The only thing you need to say is “ok, cool let’s sort out the logistics asap”. In my case I got up and said if this is how you truly felt why on earth did you waste years of my life and walked away (so much damage had been done to that point anyway). Do not grovel, beg, plead etc. Put your hurt to proper use, build yourself back up and leave her alone, please let her go to find what she is looking for.

Let her go man. She never really loved you. It’s very simple but complicated at the same time. Would someone that loves/loved you treat you so coldly?

She is ACTIVELY looking to go back to the dating pool and have other men have their way with her. Have that sink in for a second

Time to move on and find someone that truly loves you.

Potential_Item610 · 2024-03-10T22:24:40+00:00

☝️This

Regular-Bat-4449 · 2024-03-10T22:23:22+00:00

Because you loved her more than she EVER loved you.

Title	something I can't figure out
Author	JimSevere0271
Upvotes	17
Comments	23
Date	March 10, 2024 10:14 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bbmr6y/something_i_cant_figure_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/something-i-cant-figure-out.1426095 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426095

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