The more I think about it ..

One4All992 · 2024-03-15T00:47:48+00:00

My stbxw literally said, "I need to be selfish, I need to find my happiness, and my person." Literally 🤯 who the fuck did I marry?

Joocewayne · 2024-03-14T11:54:22+00:00

You will find out eventually, the more you think about it, the worse you end up. Embrace looking forward to the day you are indifferent to them entirely. Indifference is the best. That’s really what they deserve.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-14T03:22:34+00:00

I'll raise your selfish and raise you narcissistic, self-centered and always right!

Arislan · 2024-03-13T23:43:06+00:00

Bang on. I'll raise you selfish and throw in illogical, irrational and any other synonym.

Gattsama · 2024-03-13T21:38:36+00:00

Your analysis is correct. Women in general are solipsistic, and unfortunately society has been working for the past 75 years to remove all institutions and social norms that previously kept this in check. It's not that women are bad, they are just different / build this way. People with options will exercise their options. Society has given modern women a ton of options: no fault divorce, spousal support, child support, removal of shame, simps, etc.

This is why 805+ of divorces are initiated by women and the number one cause is 'alienation of affection' = unhappy. Not abuse, cheating, drugs, etc. Just that they wanted something else, their feelings changed. And for most women, their feelings are their reality.

If they are feeling unhappy, sad, distant, etc. Then there must be a reason for it (it's never internal, always external). The husband (or children or work) or normally assigned as the reason. So there feelings tell them to get away from or change these things. In a way you can't even really call it selfish. If I asked a kid do you want vegetables or cookies for dinner, they will ask for cookies. You can explain how vegetables are better for you, but their feelings and ego will vote for cookies.

Google "the light switch effect" for more info...

Beamformer · 2024-03-13T21:19:19+00:00

Yeah, agreed. I asked for some financial compensation for putting (and continuing to) put our kid through college, nope. How about NOT using the 2023 home value, but the value when you left and never contributed another dime, nope.

She just repeated, "I'm entitled to half" cause thats what her gfs and lawyer told her. Entitled should be her middle name. My GF sincerly thanks me for the things I do, sad that that seemed so unusual to me at first.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-03-13T20:16:44+00:00

Well that’s exactly it. She’s not able to see past her own desires and will go through a series of mental gymnastics to justify it. This typically includes vilifying you, going full victim mode and making you look at bad as possible to everyone so when she’s crowdsourcing support and validation she will get it in spades. That won’t end after the divorce is finished.

Example: One of the moms from daycare said she went to my ex’s house for a play date but asked her not to share the location with me because she was scared of me. We literally looked at this house in person together prior to divorce and her buying it without my permission, shes also invited me in it a few times because my son wanted to show me a toy. The address is all over our divorce documents etc.

Point is I know exactly where it is, Ive literally been inside it per her invitation. Yet she’s telling people not to disclose where she lives because she’s scared of me.

It’s all bizarre man. Just shake it off and move forward.

codbatter · 2024-03-13T18:59:08+00:00

my ex wife left the country and took our kids with her. she now lives in norway with her extended family, in a tiny village where the only job she can do is be a carer for the elderly, and she moved there without even having a plan for a job to support herself or the kids.

she now supports them with government welfare money and her carer job, and relies on her dad to babysit the kids. the place they live has absolutely nothing for the kids to do. no shops, no activities, nothing. the closest larger town is 2 hours drive away.

was she selfish? i think so yeah, but... more totally lost her mind and gone batshit crazy more than being selfish.

dnbndnb · 2024-03-13T18:57:40+00:00

Welcome to that segment of women who live perpetually as self-centered children in adult bodies.

upandatom85 · 2024-03-14T02:43:23+00:00

This is another cut and paste I stole :

I call this the light-switch effect. And it happens when a woman is no longer attracted to you and is moving on, whether or not she cheated.

It's not that she's discrediting all the past good in the relationship, she actually believes it never existed. Let me expand on that a little, and tie it into what we call Briffault's law.

Women use their emotional state to define reality- we already know this. When a man feels an emotion, he asks, what could have caused this emotion? Is it reasonable and rational? Perhaps it is, or is not, but exploring this line of reasoning is how he determines whether or not his feelings match objective reality. If the facts don't line up, perhaps his reaction was wrong.

When a woman feels an emotion, she uses this as her objective reality. Why would she feel betrayed unless somebody had betrayed her? Why would she feel sad unless somebody or something made her sad?

Therefore the decisions she makes based on her reality may seem like total nonsense to a man (women are crazy, right?), because she has determined her reality based on the only prime truth she knows: her emotional state. If a woman is sad, she tells you "you made me sad." She didn't decide her emotional state, you did. Changing her own emotional state is outside the purview of her control.

So that means the emotional state she is experiencing means that you've done something to create that state, intentionally or not. Since she is sad, you've made her sad. Her objective reality states that you've done something wrong to make her sad. This is where a lot of arguments begin, because the man mistakenly will argue "you've taken what I said the wrong way, of course I didn't mean it that way," and to her, it doesn't matter what is rational or reasonable. She is sad and she wouldn't be sad if there wasn't a reason to be sad. Her sadness defined this reality for her. If you hadn't done something worthy of her being sad about, she simply wouldn't be sad.

So back to the light-switch effect. When you've been with a woman for multiple years, and things start going sour, you experience the revisionist history where she claims to have "never loved you" or that you were "always abusive." Yes, the always/never statements. And what they reflect isn't a reality, rather, they reflect her new reality based on her emotions.

The thought process looks much like this: If true love is permanent and real, and I am not feeling true love for this person, but rather disdain and anger, then I must be feeling this way because of who they are. They make me feel bad, so they cannot be good. And since this person makes me feel bad I could not have loved them, because I would never love somebody who makes me feel bad (the qualities he exhibits now must have been inherent qualities he has always had and the feelings I have now must have always been true). So I must have never loved them. The entire relationship must have been a lie. Real true love would be permanent, and this is not permanent, so it was never real true love.

And just like that, her emotional state defines a new reality, where nothing was ever good and everything was based on a lie. Like a light-switch goes from on to off, everything that you two had built disappears into the off position, as though it had never existed.

Many men at this stage try to bargain. "After all we've been through together, how can you throw this away? We can still salvage this!"

And it's a pointless question. What is she throwing away? Absolutely nothing, in her mind. If there was any value in the relationship, she wouldn't feel this way. Therefore there must not have been value in the relationship.

Title	The more I think about it ..
Author	JimSevere0271
Upvotes	17
Comments	19
Date	March 13, 2024 6:34 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bdyz09/the_more_i_think_about_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-more-i-think-about-it.1426062 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426062

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