The fight?

Accomplished_Gene176 · 2023-11-11T03:02:40+00:00

Its just their nature, they turn on you fast when they decide its over. You can have 20 good years and 1 day its all bad to them

AlmostThere22 · 2023-11-11T03:02:00+00:00

Bro,I say this with love, but what are you trying to say here?

You admitted she was traumatized growing up.

You confided she had an abusive mother.

She has had real difficulties with these things you said.

You have battled demons for 30 years with this woman you admitted.

Then follow up with you can't believe you've been this off base.

Brother. What did you think was going to happen with a bruised and damaged woman like this.

You need to be happy you made it this far.

Hit the gym. Ignore your STBX other than for logistics.

Any begging or crying or talk of getting back together with her will only disgust her more.

Good luck. We'll be here along the way.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2023-11-11T08:31:09+00:00

Look your thinking of your partner as the women you married, here's so news update if your getting divorced she changed and is more than likely already moved on, she's making herself feel that she's right about getting the divorce, so the only way she can do that is if your the problem, so eargo she has to treat you as the bad one, Look your in the fight for your life here, in the way, of your future, so stop thinking the way you are and read up on the " lose a cheater gain a life" or doing the 180, or Gray Rocking you can find lots for resources on the web, I know that it's not what you really want to hear but it's unfortunately the way it is, I wish you all the luck in the world, just get a great lawyer, and listen to what they say and just do some investigating as, they will trickle truth you till your dead, and if you find proof that she'd been having a PA or even a EA tell everyone that is one thing they hate is other people knowing

Classic-Ad8157 · 2023-11-11T12:49:29+00:00

She was never yours, it was just your turn.

Keep reciting that to yourself, because it’s the truth. Read the rational male by rollo tomassi to get insight. I’m not saying the red pill theory should be your gospel but if you can accept it without becoming cynical, you’ll gain wisdom.

Once you understand them, you’ll view the dating life differently. They’re fickle creatures and should be treated as such.

Chicagokiasoul1990 · 2023-11-11T12:52:05+00:00

I don't get it either, mines the same, except she doesn't affect me at all with her anger and games, she caused all the fights, she withdrew all intimacy for a very long time, she refused to make counseling work and to even go at one point, and she filed. Why are they mad, more importantly why is their family so mad, I did nothing to you nutcases except kiss your ass for years and years. I just hope she finds a guy who isn't a creep and changes her name.

Retying3043 · 2023-11-11T15:09:55+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. I know it is bewildering.

Look up the light switch effect.

Also look up the war brides phenomenon.

In addition, check out Briffaults Law - “what have you done for me lately?”

Know that women are driven by feelings first. They use their feelings to create a narrative. The narrative is their truth.

In your case, she is done with the marriage. So she has a host of feelings relating to being done with marriage. This is the basis for her narrative. She will create a story about you and the last 30 years of your marriage that is completely out of step with the facts. It’s female nature, they can’t help it.

Regarding “red pill boxes” - right now you have a choice. TRP is staring you in the face. Accepting and learning about female nature will help you understand what is happening. It will help you navigate interactions with women in the future. It’s not about hating, it’s about understanding.

Good luck.

New-Ad3709 · 2023-11-11T17:09:41+00:00

You sound like a nice guy. You maybe put others needs and interests abounded your own. She doesn’t need you to be a nice guy. She’s floundering without a leader and clear borders. Step up, let her know that her actions are unacceptable to you, and let her know how you expect her to behave and what you need out of a relationship if things are to continue. You’ve got to let her know that there are consequences to her actions. Sometimes if this behavior is left unchecked for too long it’s too late to wind it back. You’ve got to be willing to walk away if you don’t get what you need or you’ll continue to be pounded. Read ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’

Blue_wafflestomp · 2023-11-11T21:06:43+00:00

Your have a lot of great responses here, so I'll try to not be repetitive.

Your post is titled "the fight" which is accurate as all hell.

You just need to understand that the fight is not you and her. She is a distraction. The fight is you and getting back in rhythm with the rest of the world. She is a gator in the swamp. Don't let the gator hold you underwater when you should be navigating.

UnarmedSnail · 2023-11-12T08:16:48+00:00

I think it's a guilt response. The more she feels guilty about what she's done and doing to you, the more she blames you for her feeling bad about it. The more she will make you pay in a snowballing effect of guilt, pain, and projection. It probably started years before you noticed it.

James_Jimothy · 2023-11-12T09:25:51+00:00

Your first mistake was trying to save a woman who self-admittedly had serious issues growing up, sorry to say.

I’m going to copy paste a comment I made a while back why women initiate divorce:

There are lot of factors, but much of it boils down to modern society promoting the self above all and teaching everyone that men and women are the same when we simply aren’t.

IMO, if any man is interested in a serious answer to this question, I urge you to read “How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids” and watch the clip “It’s Not About The Nail”. The latter shows the degree to which a woman's feelings and emotional centrality can insulate them from much needed self-reflection and solutions. The former reveals how much women’s emotional centrality can ruin their own marriages by holding contempt over their husbands for things in and out of his control like the sword of Damocles. Both sexes do it, but I think women’s propensity for this is notably higher than men’s.

Women score higher in neuroticism and agreeableness than men, communicate more covertly than men, and write a lot of covert contracts while doing little perspective taking. Lastly, a woman’s sense of love tends to be more conditional and consumptive, focused on receiving (the cup being filled).

Meaning...

Women are led by emotions more (particularly negative ones) and go along with things while tallying on a clipboard everything they don’t like. Active solutions are secondary (see "It's Not About The Nail"). Women are often most loyal to their feelings in the moment and run the resentment track in the background when things don’t follow the plan made in their heads. There is little room for perspective taking while running through resentment — all she senses is the cup not being filled (Ex. Wife resents husband working long hours and conveniently doesn't connect that job she resents allows for her and the kids to live in a good neighborhood and in the house she prefers). This lack of perspective is endemic and IMO destroys marriages. Moreover, many women let that resentment fester and water weeds of frustration until it turns to overt contempt for the husband. (While exaggerated, see r/breakingmom and r/deadbedrooms and even r/divorce if you don’t believe me.)

Couple that with the near guaranteed material incentives of divorce, society’s growing lack of appreciation and duty to marriage and family (and other social conventions) beyond what it does to serve the immediate interests of security and children, the erosion of the social contract, and this is the result.

If a woman has twice mentioned something about the kids, crap in the sink, or feeling lonely because God Forbid you have a beer without her or whatever, please believe that she has made a mental tally of it ten times. Outwardly, you hear it twice and think it’s a little thing; inwardly, that track has run in her head eight other times against you.

That is eight strikes against you that you weren’t even aware of. And that is the setup for a walkaway wife.

Outside of Dr.Laura, Laura Doyle, Suzanne Venker, and Gottman, there are few spaces and books teaching women the intrinsic duty to their husbands and to examine these patterns, contradictions and rationalizations to work with nature rather than against it for the sake of preserving the families they create. Women know they can renege their marital obligations anytime and have little incentive beyond their own personal value system to do self-assessment, let alone value their husband and marriage after the honeymoon period is over and they have fullfilled their biological imperative with children.

There is more money to be made in telling women they can cash out the marriage, be empowered (yet victims) who have it all, are always right, have no duty to anything, and never need to change.

chunckyd · 2023-11-13T14:56:27+00:00

You could do a thousand things right but she will only remember the one thing that was not right. You will never win. After this one i will go solo or keep it short. Someone once told me women have a 2-3 year mating cycle. So take your 2-3 (if you don’t want to be solo) and just be ready to ditch them before they ditch you. The irony is she will beg you to stay when your ready to leave. Modern woman logic - i want the commitment but i really don’t. I want the good guy but i really don’t. Makes no sense but there i go applying logic to a creature that only lives off of emotions.

Title	The fight?
Author	myxyplyxy
Upvotes	17
Comments	42
Date	November 11, 2023 2:31 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17skovb/the_fight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-fight.1238068 https://theredarchive.com/post/1238068

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