The Grieving Process

upvotersfortruth · 2023-04-21T15:00:55+00:00

Well, with your level of self awareness - don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you’re the narcissist! Got to grieve. It’s a process. Seems like you’re teetering on leaning into it. I’d say go for it, you know the score and the writing is on the wall. You’re thinking about you, which is correct now. Kids are grown, they’ll be fine. Put yourself in a position where you can enjoy their adulthood without that toxic weight around your neck.

WartimeDad · 2023-04-21T15:29:19+00:00

Reframe all that shit. It’s not failure. You’re not a failure.

Hit the gym! It gets so much better. Mourn the loss yes. But also acknowledge that from it will be growth. You’re going to emerge from these ashes with something way more important than everything you’re losing. And again, it’s not failing. Failing is what happens when you get a bad grade on an exam. You’re not in the context of something that is measured in “succeed or fail.” This is life. And you’re doing great. You’ve hit a huge rough patch. An obstacle. You’ll overcome it and you will find life is going to reward you on the other side.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-04-21T15:29:54+00:00

feeling all of those failures over here as well

23 years married (if we count the past 1.5 years living apart, 29 years together. 2 kids: 21 and 15.

my career has always been up and down but more down than the up the past 10 years.

hers always on upward trajectory but now leaving the stratosphere while mine has crashed worse than it ever has before

my 15 yr old won't talk or engage with me (we have had a few bad fights during this separation)

it's hard to keep going right now.

i have a couple of good friends and have made a few new ones.

but i know i won't have much luck finding a partner which i desperately want

No-Blackberry7887 · 2023-04-21T15:04:11+00:00

I really feel for you. I'm in the same situation as you except for the empty nesters part. Some people are just not capable to feel or give other people what they need. You have to accept it for what it is and work on yourself. Go out more meet new people, aquire new hobbies and get therapy for your issues. Be strong and know that there are millions of people with the same situation so you're never truly alone.

ciscokid12345 · 2023-04-21T19:22:33+00:00

Let’s keep in mind that the women we met and married at 20 years old were chock full of hormones telling them to pair bond with a man and have children.

Starting at around 35 these hormones start to drop until menopause kicks in. At that point women have a whole different set of hormones and much more testosterone than they ever had before or know what to do with.

So with that i mind, I think it’s pretty normal that we see these people change to the point that they are completely unrecognizable to us.

Try not to take it personally. The woman you fell in love with isn’t in there anymore. It’s a new person with new wants, goals, and desires. It’s fair that they reassess their life and go for what they want now.

Go lift weights, start golfing twice a week, buy a boat or motorcycle, join an old guys punk rock band. Find your younger self again and enjoy the next stage with out so much drama!

CrazySanta7 · 2023-04-21T15:04:36+00:00

Once you understand women and relationships, you will realize divorce is not failure. 50% divorce rate, another 45% married and unhappy IMO. Women file for divorce 80-90% of the time. Yes, there is a grieving process, and most women go through it LONG before they announce it. They usually have a man lined up also. This is why the show zero towards you at the end. Many men want to label it narcissism, BPD, mid-life crisis, etc. Now, those are out there (diagnosed by a doctor), but most people try and rationalize her behavior with some labels. In the end, it does not matter. You have your own journey and will go through sadness, anger, hate, loneliness, etc. It could take years. Don't think loneliness means you need some girl to fill that void. Until you are okay with loneliness, you are not ready to bring anyone else into your world. Good luck bro.

crypto_keeper88 · 2023-04-21T15:34:50+00:00

Ask your wife if you can have a girlfriend if she is unwilling to meet your emotional and physical needs but divorcing is too complicated financially.

AirSailer · 2023-04-21T16:49:39+00:00

First off, she cannot empathize with you, which is why when you tell her your needs she doesn't care. The average women has a greater capacity for emotional empathy, a much less capacity for cognitive empathy. You need her to have cognitive empathy for her to understand your needs.

https://lesley.edu/article/the-psychology-of-emotional-and-cognitive-empathy

Secondly, she's already fulfilled her biological imperative for reproduction. She doesn't need you for that anymore. What exactly do you think she needs from you besides paying, or helping to pay, for living expenses?

It doesn't sound like she adds anything to your life anymore. Move on.

bopapocolypse · 2023-04-21T16:48:30+00:00

Two quick things.

1) Failure. I struggled with this. Ultimately, though, is ending a bad marriage a failure? Put another way, is staying in a miserable situation for a long time a success? You've got one life and you need to choose how you want to live it.

2) Mourning is the most appropriate metaphor for a divorce. You mourn the loss of the past, and of the future you imagined would happen. Even though you know the person won't come back, part of you still thinks it's possible. You think to yourself, over and over, "what could I have done differently to prevent this from happening?" Very much like an unexpected death, and I really feel like the brain processes the experience in a similar way.

Initial_Tomatillo_94 · 2023-04-21T19:33:12+00:00

I identify with so much of your post. We aren’t empty nesters yet but the oldest one leaving home really made me look at what our future will look like and it wasn’t good.

I have early childhood issues from my parents splitting when I was 2 and my mom moving halfway across the country from my dad. I carry a lot of shame from that time and that results in the failure you and I are both feeling.

At the same time, is staying in a miserable situation good for you or her in the long run? My wife has told me how miserable she is in our marriage for many years now. I held on due to a belief that you were supposed to. But to what benefit?

My oldest has had some pretty honest conversations with me about the pending divorce and she believes things will be better overall. I have to agree. She said my youngest told her everyone seems happier (now that I moved out).

It sounds like you have no infidelities or other reasons to leave (just like me) which makes it harder for the outside world to understand. Most people thought we had a perfect happy family. Those that knew us well knew better.

I am happy to say I have a great relationship with my kids and that is the sole focus of my existence now. Make myself better so I can be the best for them.

Stick with the therapy and get yourself physically and mentally healthy. Know that you will survive this and better days lie ahead. Find something you have always wanted that she didn’t and make it a goal (I looked at boats yesterday and plan to have one by next summer).

Roller coaster is right. It will feel good to let go of the bad relationship and knowing that you will be putting it behind you but it will break you down to sobbing tears more than once.

I’ve found a lot of comfort on this board realizing I’m not the only one going through this and others came out the other side better people. Best of luck to you sir.

swampdonkey69769 · 2023-04-23T02:15:06+00:00

I’m one year almost to the day of being evicted from my house…..and your situation is and was exactly like my marriage. Although she was the one who passed me the hot potato of divorce, when she did my world caved. I’m a 50 year old southern boy and in that moment I turned into a lil bitch. I accepted her wishes but the tears spewed out!! I stayed another30 days until paperwork came and kept my composure and emotions somewhat intact in front of our kids …17 and 20. Knowing my days in my house as a family unit was killing me. The day I left a great friend said go to his cabin on the river and stay there for as long as I’d like. (I need to hug my friend when I see him again). This was his second house that’s secluded to say the least. It’s 30 minutes from my family’s house in the next town. Which was great when the smear campaign hit. I was unaware.

So….. you asked about the grieving process. For me, being alone away from people was the best way for me. I cussed at God and ugly cried for 2 months!!! Only drank when friends came to fish on the weekends - grieving and drinking alone ( or in company) is not good for the eyeballs. They tend to get leakier and the cries got uglier. Not good!! I had and continue to have therapists which I think I’ll always keep a therapist on payroll. Give yourself a proper grieving and don’t bottle any emotions whatsoever. I wanted to throat punch anyone who suggested… just give yourself time and it’ll get better!!!!!!🤜🤜🤜🤜🤜 ………. seems they were right though, it did get better. It’s not always a day of whistling to the blue birds with a bounce in my stride…. I occasionally miss what I had. But those days are getting fewer. So hey…. I fckn rambled I know. A year ago some guys read my posts and said if I ever needed them to just message them….. so if you were to need an encouraging word drop me a message and we’ll work on that. Take care dude!!!! Just give it time 🤛🤛🤛🤛🗣️🗣️🕺🏿🕺🏿🕺🏿🕺🏿🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋👈closest to a bluebird I got

meltdownthetown · 2023-04-23T05:55:44+00:00

I am two years out of a thirty two year marriage. My greatest fear during the process was that I would lose the strong relationship I had with my two adult girls. My wife and I may not have been great for each other but we both agreed on being good parents to our children.

I decided to address it head on. I asked for a sit down meeting with both of them where I expressed this openly and communicated that I wanted both of them still in my life. I did not go into any detail of the issues between my ex and I apart from saying that there was responsibility and blame for both sides. I also did not disparage my ex and said I would always respect her for being the mother to the two of them. I communicated how important they were to me and directly asked to maintain our bonds.

I managed to keep a strong relationship and by addressing it head on, I managed to quell my biggest fear from that grief stage. It made the rest of the process much easier to deal with knowing that the relationship with my children would still be intact at the conclusion of the divorce.

fewdo · 2023-04-21T16:23:24+00:00

It's not that you were not heard! You said what you need and she heard you.

The divorce process is a roller coaster. There will be days that you feel like it's a mistake. Be ready to stick to your decision. She might be good for a day or a month to buy some time or change your mind.

Crotchlobsterz · 2023-04-21T18:32:32+00:00

It’s an amazing testament to who you are that you don’t begrudge your spouse right now. Hats off.

I’m finding that my lack of believing what could happen to me did and I’m paying the price for it. Get creative about what the best solutions to your predicament could be and if you spare yourself the painful solutions now, you might very well end up with more heartache (walletache, child-ache) than you would if you face this with the openness of realizing it could easily go south at any moment.

You’re posting here because you’re not comfortable or happy in the current situation. Men are often placed in the role of “sucking it up”. What are the boundaries you set where the vacuum turns off?

porterfive · 2023-04-21T19:23:22+00:00

That sounds very familiar with where I am at in my STBXW would rather remain living under the same roof but life separate lives which doesn’t work for me not will never work for me. I have tried to talk to her, we have gone to counseling, etc… and all I get is that it was my fault and how bad I am but she doesn’t want any fixes, tools or anything to try to make our marriage healthy. It’s crazy to me but I feel what is crazier is remaining in this pressure cooker anymore.

SadLonelyRadish · 2023-04-21T21:15:49+00:00

This sounds almost carbon copy of where I am at. 23 years into my marriage, one kid left in high school, other two are on the launch pad.

The loneliness is a killer - have never felt anything so debikitiating and painful as being married and alone - it really put this Bible verse into context for me "he wept bitterly"

I couldn't go thru with separation/divorce while two of my three kids where in high school - too much of a financial impact on them and I couldn't accept saving myself at the expense of my kids as they finish growing into adult hood.

A article my church put out on divorce has a section that has helped me:

"Despite the truths taught about the sanctity of marriage, divorce has become commonplace in the world.... Because of the poor choices and selfishness of one or both marriage partners, marriages sometimes end in contention, separation, and divorce.

If, instead of resorting to divorce, each individual will seek the comfort and well-being of his or her spouse, couples will grow in love and unity. The gospel of Jesus Christ—including repentance, forgiveness, integrity, and love—provides the remedy for conflict in marriage."

If faith/religion isn't your thing, the line "If, instead of resorting to divorce, each individual will seek the comfort and well-being of his or her spouse, couples will grow in love and unity."

I'm fortunate things are not extra terrible in my situation. Add in aspects like Infidelity, abuse, money etc. *Abuse is a sliding scale and I have thought being shut out/shut down physically, emotionally are abuse....

So it takes two to tango. My approach is to change my thinking and focus on her comfort and act on faith (forgiveness, repentance, lose the selfhishness / pity party). There have been brief moments of improvement. I still get rejection when I attempt to sit near her, hold her hand, heck, even putting my arm next to her when in bed. I swear, it's like I am trying to mate with a black widow spider. Google that and you will see what I mean.... will she let me in, ignore me or eat me alive?

If my marriage is to end, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror knowing I did all I can do. I figure it will take between three to five years to eight the ship - either my marriage is healed/transformed, or it's time to move on.

I will say this, I didn't think I would ever get past the deep Loneliness phase. I went to a dark place to the point of contemplating suicide. So know this - you can think about your thoughts, emotions and feelings, that means you can change how you react to them. I recommend looking into mindfullness/meditation. It's helped me learn to "not swing at every pitch" that comes from KY wife (directly or indirectly)

WildestWaltz · 2023-04-22T09:38:05+00:00

This post resonated with so many of us, including me.

QuietVisitor · 2023-04-22T13:04:25+00:00

First off, I’m so sorry. You’re describing my former marriage at the end. Not going to deny that it’s an awful process to go through but rest assured, you’re going to come out the other end with at least self respect and resolve to live with yourself in mind for a change.

A failure would be for you to remain with a cold, uncaring woman. Your life is too short for that. Also, this community can confirm, after you are through the grieving process, most men regain pride, confidence, and peace.

It’s often the intention of women like this to make you feel hopeless. Like you have no other options, but you do.

SnooDucks2052 · 2023-04-22T14:05:26+00:00

You sound just like me. I divorced her ass and things been going good for me so far. Except dating which I have no interest in at this time and no business doing then.

Title	The Grieving Process
Author	ENFJSingle
Upvotes	28
Comments	28
Date	April 21, 2023 2:49 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/12u4wr4/the_grieving_process/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-grieving-process.1215005 https://theredarchive.com/post/1215005

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