What do you wish you had asked for during divorce/mediation?

Par_then_Bar · 2024-10-11T00:37:00+00:00

Best thing I did was put in the decree that they had to stay in current school district. Saved my ass because my ex tried to move an hour away until she read the decree. Do that please!

OchoZeroCinco · 2024-10-10T17:53:16+00:00

In my case the only thing fleeced was my public retirement pension. We had a marriage settlement agreement, and there are hurdles in place that she would have to sign away her community property away for the pension, but there was one thing I did not learn until after it was all done. For me I lost 5 service years at my job. The only way I could actually buy them back was if she moved her non-member retirement money out of the public retirement system into her own retirement account. THIS is what I would have included in the settlement agreement. "that she move the money out". My pension is based on the number of years I work and I could I have been buying years back while I am still working. Now I have to work 5 years longer, while she is now cut a check for life as if she had my job for 5 years.

divorcex · 2024-10-10T14:29:17+00:00

Here are a few things to consider:

School Holidays: Don’t forget to include all school breaks, not just the obvious ones like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Spring Break. Some schools have additional breaks, like a February break or a Mardi Gras break. Be specific about how you want to alternate these.
Medical Decisions: You mentioned splitting medical costs, but it’s important to decide who makes medical (including psychological) decisions if you can’t agree.
Right of First Refusal: Be specific about the timeframe. Specify that if either parent can't be with the kids for more than 16, 18, or 20 hours, the other gets the first opportunity to take care of them.
Communication: All communication must go through a parenting app like Our Family Wizard. It keeps everything documented.

Some of this stuff might seem small, but being specific now can help prevent confusion or disagreements later. Money, cars, and houses are all replaceable. Your kids are not. Put up a fight where it matters most–you can never get back lost time with them!

savage_cabbages · 2024-10-10T10:11:22+00:00

Maybe more of the house stuff initally, but they were just objects that were replaceable or failed eventually if electronic.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-10-10T02:50:16+00:00

demand more than you're entitled to to leave yourself negotiating room - being overly reasonable will get you screwed

set walkaway points with your lawyer, if there's any discussion of NOT 50/50, for example, warn them once and then leave

you need to be strong without being hostile and actions speak louder than words

hopefully after the year of separation, it will be amicable - but during that year, y'all didn't come to an agreement? Weird.

dnbndnb · 2024-10-09T21:54:39+00:00

Do NOT count on mortgage rates going down. Do NOT tie yourself to property with her where you gain no benefit. Inflation has not gone away. It may never. There may never be 5.5% mortgages. Force a house sale or she gives up in other ways.

Excellent-Trifle9086 · 2024-10-09T21:25:59+00:00

I asked for what I wanted, didn't get it, and it was hardly a compromise, more of a kick in the nuts. The only thing she changed her stance on was adding $500, lol. I was asking for half community property essentially, but we agreed to be civil and try to reach an agreement first before costing each other a ton of money with attorneys and not go after retirements.

We really only had some savings to split from monetary wedding gifts and what we've been putting away for a house. Both cars paid off, only debt on her side, far more retirement savings on my side, and no property as we were living with her mother while we saved.

I asked for half the saving we were putting into for 3 years, half the cost of what I spent to put myself in a hotel for a week when she told me not to come home (after I had asked weeks and months before if I should be looking for an apartment with no answer), half security deposit for apartment, half of filing costs, and to be able to see her daughter. I'm not the bio father (he's 0% in the picture) and we didn't adopt but her daughter's known me since she was a year & a half and as Daddy since she was 5 and that I could make the claim of being a psychological father. Also that she makes more than me and I could also seek spousal support. She shot a lot of it down stating, "an attorney says I don't have to agree to that" or "because it was a short term marriage you probably wouldn't get that."

In the end, we reached an agreement after 9 weeks and filed uncontested no child divorce. I got half of the wedding gifts, $500, and some gift cards from the wedding (hooray, a $25 best buy card). All in total, nearly $4,000. If we split what I was asking for in saving I'd probably have gotten an additional $4,000.

She holds all the cards with her daughter, said "right now" she doesn't want me in her life. And later in negotiating she held firm saying it's "still too soon." I haven't seen or spoken to her daughter in 10 weeks. If I wanted to fight it, it would've probably cost us $20K - 40K in fees, no guarantee I'd get 50/50, spousal support, or any involvement with her daughter, and possibly have to carve up my 401K as well.

From separation to finalizing it'll be 6 months. Part of me is glad to be out of it quickly and without bankrupting myself. Another part of me wonders if it should have gotten ugly just to see if I would get time with her daughter. I'm giving her space now that it's filed and will try again in 3 months when it's final. If I served her it'd probably be a year and a half or 2 minimum before I could see her daughter. As much as 6 months sucks, I have some hope still.

techrmd3 · 2024-10-09T20:59:42+00:00

Best things to realize is this

Custody kid time is a separate issue from Asset/Debt negotiations

"usually" your attorney and mediator will catch this and not agree to kid time vs money horse trading.

DO NOT DO QUIT CLAIM AND REFINANCE... stipulate the home needs to be sold - just today we got a guy who's ex-wife was "supposed to refinance last Nov" didn't happen so what's the guy to do? HE HAS NO RECOURSE... the only way you can get that house sold and that mortgage OFF your credit is to SELL the house during divorce proceedings! (please for the love of God pay attention)

Attorneys and mediators will try to tell you "this is normal" "this is customary" ask them to put that as a formal attorney advice so that you can sue said attorney for telling you to go along with "quit claim and refinance... a refinance that almost never happens" Actually ask your attorney via EMAIL today (needs to be tracked) and ask him point blank over email if he will make a formal recommendation that you accept this "quit claim" hog wash and "refi in 1 year" clause... ask him his legal advice on this...

Make him stipulate this in writing. Don't accept a call, don't accept a verbal, only accept this clause if your ATTORNEY in WRITING says you should do this.

Sit back and I bet you never get an attorney's advice in writing saying you should do this on his legal advice. ...

Wonder why the Attorney would not do this? Hmmm?

tomsnow164 · 2024-10-09T20:53:38+00:00

For me I wish I would have gotten a couple hours during each of my non custody times for one on one time with the kids. When I was married my ex believed if I was around that I should be making up my parenting time I missed while at work. So anytime i was around it was me and all the kids while she “recovered” from driving the kids to school, because of this I never got one on one time. So it was hard to teach them skills like baseball or anything like that because I was trying to manage the others. And now that we are divorced I rarely get time with just one of them. So I wish I had made it part of the parenting plan.

captainchippsixx · 2024-10-09T20:53:25+00:00

I advise : She pays 1/3 college you pay 1/3 college Kid pays 1/3 college.

Also after insurance - require the expenses split 50/50. Not you paying all of it. She is going to want to the kids activities etc be split .

Have an air tight clause on the house you are not repairable for it and all insurance, repairs, and expenses -- don’t take your name off the deed till it’s refinanced.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-10-09T20:27:36+00:00

Are children at school? Lock the school district they should be enrolled in.

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2024-10-09T20:06:59+00:00

I insisted on being off the mortgage within 3 mos. The loan company won’t let her assume the 2.x% rate. I’ve been nice, so am still on the mortgage. Might have been better to get an alternative concession. I think you’re on the right track with including the available rate as part of that structure.

One_Cartographer_465 · 2024-10-09T18:48:22+00:00

Can not move further than contiguous county. I had this put in mine and was really glad I did. The weird thing is I got custody but since she put it on me, I had it apply to her as well. The unforeseen benefit, it kept her from trying to use the fact I had custody to take further controlling measures. Example, If she limited my introducing to new girlfriend to my son, I would do the same to her. This way she could not have her boyfriend/Affair Partner (that was a family friend) around our son for 6 months.

Bretweir_jerky · 2024-10-09T18:39:53+00:00

Clear language about what to do when she violates the custody agreement. And NOT to concede anything. Get that 1/2 of her 401(k), even if she says it’s “only like 1000 bucks.” Good. Give me MY 500

Reflog1791 · 2024-10-09T18:27:34+00:00

Relocation clause.

leaving4me · 2024-10-09T18:26:57+00:00

I haven't begun the process yet as I just filed. Everyone I've talked to that has gone through it including my attorney says it's like any other negotion. Never start where you want it to end.

Title	What do you wish you had asked for during divorce/mediation?
Author	Sinuks
Upvotes	18
Comments	39
Date	October 9, 2024 5:52 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fzxkth/what_do_you_wish_you_had_asked_for_during/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-you-wish-you-had-asked-for-during.1532532 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532532

Comments