A little reminder for everyone 💕

strainedcrow · 2020-11-06T19:09:32+00:00

Their feelings count more than yours do. God damn and then you're the selfish one if you claim otherwise. Ugh.

4E4ME · 2020-11-07T02:55:38+00:00

Today I was reflecting on the idea that "if it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense". Which means if something doesn't make sense, it's not you. It's not that you don't understand, or you're too dumb to get it. It's because it literally doesn't make sense, because it's a lie or a manipulation.

I used to spend a lot of time trying to make sense of nonsensical things, making excuses for the other person. Now if something doesn't make sense I ask the question once, just to see if the situation can be clarified. If it isn't immediately clarified then I take it as a lie and I move on. I don't waste my time anymore, blaming myself for not understanding.

Summerisle7 · 2020-11-06T18:04:52+00:00

I love this! This is a little different from most similar "checklists" that I've seen. She has some amazing insights I hadn't seen in print before. I could have written all of this about my first marriage.

pizza_connoissieur · 2020-11-07T06:05:24+00:00

[deleted]

Noogenesis21 · 2020-11-06T21:05:06+00:00

I think 5 should read: "You rarely feel good enough to earn their approval"

Apart from that...yeah, every single one applied to ex-narchole hubby AND the psychopath that came after, whom I briefly for a few months (right before I found FDS). I knew said psychopath was "off" the first time I met him cuz my intuition was ripping my gut apart...but I a) felt a strong attraction, but also b) I wanted to suss his disorder, so I used him as my own personal lab rat and case study, just to put my virtual PhD in cluster-B disorders to the test. Verdict: psychopath in the first degree. I could write a book on the behavioral and verbal fuckery alone.

Mountain_Nectarine_6 · 2020-11-06T19:23:21+00:00

Fuck. I just realized I’m the abuser. 😐 I’ll have to work on this with my therapist.

princessofthekingdom · 2020-11-07T02:45:25+00:00

my bff is currently in this situation :,,( still trying to figure out the best way to help her.

seraphinelysion · 2020-11-06T23:40:18+00:00

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12

HOT DAMN. He hit almost every number!

werker115 · 2020-11-07T01:49:31+00:00

12/12 in my last relationship!

futuristicallyangry · 2020-11-07T04:36:45+00:00

I love this checklist. I wish I could have had it last year.

vardebi · 2020-11-06T20:11:29+00:00

1, 3, 4, 8.

Dancer84839291 · 2020-11-07T11:23:06+00:00

I’m so happy you posted this I always could use a reminder

caoutchouck · 2020-11-07T13:34:39+00:00

All three of my exes did all of these things.

The first one said he was gay when he broke up with me. He was my first kiss and first “real” boyfriend I met in college at 18. He was sexually depraved and said shocking things to me like he thought incest porn was “hot” and that he thought rape was funny. He had tried meth in high school. Of course, I learned all these things after he asked to kiss me, making out with him, holding him in my arms, and him saying I was his gf. I knew he didn’t love me, but I still asked to hold his hand as we walked on the sidewalk together. He said he didn’t want to because he didn’t want people to see us holding hands. My dad did some internet sleuthing and found out that he was a felon because he assaulted his own father.

A year after he broke up with me and moved away, he texted me on a new number he said he loved me and that he lied about being gay to “make it easier” to break up with me. I blocked him. Another year after that, he messaged me on Facebook and said he was sorry. I blocked him then too, but not after asking him how he was doing and if he meant it or not. He asked me how he should treat women. I told him not to be a pervert and not to treat his new gf like his property. He said he had already done that.

The second one was pornsick and treated me like his personal camgirl. The times I said no, he called me a bitch. Lied about his identity to get what he wanted (that’s an entire saga on its own.) Demanded I do his homework for him (when I was also in my first semester of grad school, which I failed due to stress) it became a habit and he threw a fit and said he’d fail if I didn’t write his papers for him. I finally said no more, and blocked him. I had tried to break up for four months, each time I was afraid of making him blow up at me due to his emotional volatility. I was scared of what he would do, if he’d send compromising photos to my parents, etc. But when I finally put my foot down, he called me a miserable, ugly, fat bitch, and that he couldn’t imagine a life with me.

Eight months later, he still has tried to contact me three times. It’s an ignore and block each time, but it always makes me feel unsafe and sick to my stomach, even though I know he can’t hurt me.

The third love bombed me, said he loved me first. Then had the gall to act like it was overwhelming for me to want his love and affection. Never again. He had no job, was 21 and hadn’t finished even a semester of school, and blamed them both on Covid even though he sat on his ass all day and got high, day drunk, and played video games. He never took an interest in things I liked, even though he expected me to do it for him and what he liked. Said he “didn’t want a relationship” after four months of daily contact, and sexual attraction/affection, even though he kept me strung along with affection and times when he “needed someone to talk to,” “you’re the only person that really cares,” “if it wasnt long distance it would be different,” etc. I was a girlfriend to him in every way, except when he got mad at me and reminded me that we “weren’t dating” despite everything I did for him, and him saying he loved me, wanted me, etc. His actions said everything I should have known. He blamed a lot of it on his “depression” and called his ex a b!tch and a cvnt, so I should have seen that as a huge red flag on its own.

I “met” both of these last two “men” online and both were long distance. I’m sharing these (admittedly pathetic) stories because I don’t want any other young woman to make the mistakes I made. I was constantly exhausted and my self esteem was always in the toilet with all three. I even hid these relationships from my parents, to varying degrees, because I know they wouldn’t approve. But, I told myself I needed and wanted male attention/a boyfriend/love interest so badly that I’d rather “date” a guy I “loved” this way than focus on myself and doing the best thing for my own wellbeing. YOU DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND, ladies. Men need us, we don’t need them, unless they are a true HVM, and if he is, he will do none of the above bullshit.

monymkrmom · 2020-11-06T19:33:01+00:00

Definitely the first 10

orenjikeeki · 2020-11-07T02:35:19+00:00

Things with my ex were from 1 to 12 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤡

MerleErEnPerle · 2020-11-08T20:02:56+00:00

Uhm. This is how my ex felt about me.

1) He felt it was complicated, because I didn't just enjoy everything but sometimes complained about "subtle" things he did, such as not helping other people do the dishes when we had dinner etc.

2) He was worried about how I would react because he saw me as an angry witch that would burst into anger at the smallest things, but the truth is I was very clear about what I didn't tolerated.

3) He didn't feel peace because he didn't listened to me. If he had listened, he would be able to predict 100% if something he did was ok.

4) Of course he felt drained of energy. He had not been used to his mom telling him no.

5) It's hard to always clap you hands at someone that expects a nobel prize for doing the absolute minimum.

6) That's how he felt. But what he thought was 'tearing down the relationship' was actually me trying to introduce some respect and equity in our relation.

7) Yes. Because I didn't only carry the weight of my own feelings but also had to do emotional labor in situations with HIS parents and HIS friends where I wanted to make a good example but he would treat everyone like nothing.

8) He was confused because his head was in his ass. I made him aware of so many things all the time that he ignored, and when I had to react on something he would always act up like nobody told him anything.

9) He felt everything that went wrong was his fault. And most of it was. I tried so fucking hard to be the best partner. I did so much for him, his family, his friends, arranged amazing things for us. And he never did anything. He always fucked it up and was too afraid to acknowledge his own mistakes. And therefore I kept holding him accountable. Because he never had to do that with me. I always said sorry when I forgot important things, didn't take him into account etc.

10) When a person keep letting you down you stop liking them and start looking at everything they do in disgust.

11) Don't know what that means. But if brain fog means not looking up and seeing how your actions impact other people, then yes.

12) He felt he was losing his mind. And he was. But he refused to go into therapy, because how could someone else help him with his problems? Hah. I don't need to see a psychologist. I know myself best.

Title	A little reminder for everyone 💕
Author	CuriousBubbleMilkTea
Upvotes	971
Comments	29
Date	November 6, 2020 6:02 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jp9zd8/a_little_reminder_for_everyone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-little-reminder-for-everyone.324854 https://theredarchive.com/post/324854

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