Anyone who can relate?

throwaway88043468 · 2021-06-14T11:21:32+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. If you'd like any advice, I'd recommend a full send on the idea of living alone. You don't have to live like that forever, you may discover a HVM years after living by yourself and then start a new phase of your life with him in it. But the idea is that you love your own company so much, you stop worrying about men entirely. And that's completely ok. A HVM would be the one courting and pursuing you, so frankly don't worry about looking too hard or trying to snag one. Take care of yourself and your needs, and HV individuals will recognize that display of self-worth and flock to you. You may not find romance initially, but you will absolutely attract like-minded HVW who will see you (and treat you) as someone worthy of respect and affection. This helps a LOT with codependence, my female friends taught me that my feelings of need are rarely romantic, but moreso artifacts of my trauma. I know it feels awful, but working through the pain without compromising your principles will eventually rip away that feeling of needing someone. It's like flexing or exercising a muscle. It gets easier and easier.

Don't ever be afraid to lean into this community when you're getting that frustrating, needful feeling. You are not a pickme, you are not any kind of sad or pathetic for having these feelings. Nothing but support and love for you queen.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-06-14T10:59:57+00:00

I hear you. I haven't had a proper LTR in years since my wakeup. I keep ending them after a few weeks at most since they don't meet the bar, and barely ever even get to physical things anymore. I think about it a lot when I feel lonely. How I feel better is by realizing that I might end up by myself, but if I don't allow that possibility, I'll settle for less than I deserve. The only way I can have the reliable snuggles and sex is with a HVM and I need to stay open to meeting them and not be distracted with LVM.

Colour_riot · 2021-06-14T12:35:20+00:00

I'm in a similar situation and I'm really just focusing on what I can control. I lost a lot of my ambition after being burned out by my previous jobs and I think the "nice family life" thing was escapism, for me at least.

I also realised that I had co-dependent tendencies and that helped a lot in understanding why I felt that way and which thoughts were not helpful to me. Then I tried to re route most of my day dreaming / thinking into stuff about myself and what I wanted to do for myself, even if it's shopping or dressing up or getting lost in a book / some other topic of interest.

ButterfliesHurricane · 2021-06-14T12:21:12+00:00

I can relate to your post even the timing of the break up. I can’t say I feel lonely though. I will be honest, walking away was very hard and I have missed the good times (emotional reaction to trauma bonding) but as time has passed I have been feeling so much better. I have focussed all my energy on myself since, starting mindfulness again, zumba, yoga, spent more time with my friends. It doesn’t feel lonely. Physical affection is amazing but only with that special person who will genuinely care about you. More often than not affection from an LVM comes at a price, it’s rarely out of genuinely caring about you. I’m sending you virtual hugs 🤗

Twolipz_78 · 2021-06-14T11:56:29+00:00

I feel this very strongly at times as well but it passes especially when I remember what came with it. You should not have to pay a price just to get some affection, recognition and appreciation.

I also had read from a couple of different resources that the reason we think the sex was so good with a toxic person (and you didn’t even orgasm, did you? I know I didn’t) was because it was the only rime you felt seen, validated and loved by them and that makes a lot of sense!

Anyway, I feel ya, big time!

vowelsareimportant · 2021-06-14T14:29:51+00:00

Definitely. I am happy alone. I've been focusing on making my life as a single person exactly like I want it. I buy myself nice things. I take myself to places and activities that I enjoy. I have goals and plans and I work towards them without worrying about how potential partners might figure into them (this was an issue I had before FDS).

And then, occasionally, I feel sad and wish that I had a partner. I miss the intimacy that comes with serious relationships and marriage. I miss physical contact. I miss being able to hand the wheel over to someone else because I need a break.

I think about finding a HV life partner like winning the lottery now. It happens to very few women because the prizes out there are so few and far between. It's not likely to happen to me. I'm not going to waste all my assets just to feel lucky about winning 5 dollars on a scratch off but I still might buy a lotto ticket every now and then and hope to win the big jackpot.

ConnectBlueberry9276 · 2021-06-14T13:21:22+00:00

I feel you. Even if leveling up is the way, craving human attention is just well... human Stay strong 💪 and thus is why FDS also exists :) 😀

Enough-Introduction · 2021-06-14T12:38:33+00:00

Message from future you: it is SO worth it to wait until you meet the right person. I have been single for two years now and really struggled with being so touch starved. All my libfem friends wanted to convince me to not make such a big deal out of it, just have some fun. Your pizza analogy is on point as to why I held my standards high, even if that meant going hungry. Yesterday I kissed a (so far) HVM I‘ve been seeing for a few weeks now for the first time, and it was so perfect. In that moment I thanked past me for turning down all these LVMs who tried to kiss me after mediocre dates, for not listening to pick-mes, for sitting with my loneliness. I can‘t put in words just how grateful I am that past me tended to the sadness and loneliness instead of numbing it with someone who I knew was not it. Because now that I met someone, I know I am not dependent on him for my happiness. If it works out, great. If he turns out to be LV, bye boy, I have proven to myself that I can be on my own. I can depend on myself for making sure I am safe and respected, because I am not afraid of being lonely. Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs sister, you are doing so great, even if it hurts ❤️

MissGalaxy1986 · 2021-06-14T16:49:45+00:00

I can COMPLETELY relate. It’s thanks to FDS though that I’m feeling more and more ok with being single, and being single forever. I will never compromise on the fundamental ground values a man must possess. This reality means it might take a while to meet him. But there is a part of me, deep down, that is more confident than ever that I will meet a HVM soon. So I have more Hope than ever but at the same time am accepting the reality that I might be single forever. Perhaps I’m just bs myself in the end... that’s what the nagging little self doubt voice inside me says sometimes. But then I see in my behavior toward men now that that’s not possible to be true.

Nevertheless I too would like someone to cuddle with and be intimate with emotionally and physically. But after reading the stories on here of LVM and the reality of most men it makes me feel that much more ok to be single. But I do get moments, not gonna lie, where I still get despondent. But those are getting fewer.

I’m not sure if this was helpful. I’ve been single now for almost 3 years and have been single for most my lifetime with 4 relationships. So I’m more used to it I guess but still yes it does hit me. But it’s my choice as to whether or not I focus on what I don’t have rather than what I do and on the possibilities that life has to offer if I keep growing and attracting the right attention and people

relationship_reddit · 2021-06-14T19:30:47+00:00

I struggle with this too.

I would love to have someone to be on my team, to do nice things for and have do nice things for me. I miss cuddling and just that feeling of romantic love in general. I have kids with my LVX, and sometimes (although I know better) that makes me have thoughts about being with him. He's single, and would gladly have me back, so that makes it even harder, to know that I could have the things I miss about being in a relationship tonight, if I wanted.

What keeps me from with getting back with my ex (or with any man) is, I know that the romanticized, idealized version of what a relationship would be is not the way it would be in reality. Yeah, I would get the cuddles, and the sex, and whatnot, but I would also get the insecurity, the arguing, the porn addict, the lion's share of the housework, and all of the other painful things that come along with being with an LVM. Is it worth being miserable and ruining how far you've come, just so you can have some of the few comforts that being with an LVM provide? I don't think so.

Mcccy · 2021-06-14T11:12:15+00:00

Why do you feel lonely?

They're other kinds of relashionship that don't have to be romantic. You need to make a strong circle of friends and maybe family you can rely on and feel loved so you don't have to need to seek LVM to 'fill the void'.

I used to relate, cause I love kids and would want to have them but at the same time I don't want to be tied down to someone and share my life with, unless I can be sure they are HV and will make me happy.

Like you said, you shouldn't eat these leftovers cause you're hungry and you should definitely not drink poison if you're thirsty. Learning to unlearn the whole "you need a man" is hard, but friends and personal growth is what will always be there for you.

💛

Lazy-Tax3986 · 2021-06-14T19:28:00+00:00

I understand how you are feeling, I have been there, but I'm at a different part of my journey now.

I've been single & not dating at all for about 2 years and so far I haven't felt the need to be in a relationship. Even when I go through my extremely horny phases, which is quite often. I think it's because I gave dating my best shot - I dated many different TYPES of guys - looks, personality, ethnicity, race, temperament, professions, family history, and I tried so hard to make it work, that I feel like I've had my fill and I'm just personally so done.

I have a feeling you're still not "done" yet, ya know. Maybe it's time to get back out there with a Scrotation and you will be so disgusted with your newfound knowledge that you will run back to the single life with open arms and feel so relieved to be back into the comfort of your own self.

SaturnGirl1989 · 2021-06-14T17:20:21+00:00

I'm sorry you feel so lonely right now, I know how much that sucks, I've been in your shoes, and I know its easier to give advice than to live the experience, but if there is one thing I learned:

That type of loneliness was very much connected to a fear I had of never falling in love again, and ending up alone.. whether realistic or not, it affected me a lot. What helped was answering those fears, and learning how to live my life as if I would never have another relationship with someone other than myself.

How do you be happy, in a future where you will be alone forever? That's a very personal question, but I think it was well worth diving into.

This is your life, you don't really need anyone else to make it full 💛

calico_moon · 2021-06-14T21:20:29+00:00

I can absolutely relate. I keep telling myself he wasn't bad, just did a bad thing. I miss my best friend, the closeness, the physical touch. It sucks he had to go and ruin something good. But he did, and I'm coming to terms with it. I totally feel the want to just be the cool aunt who lives with her [cat] and doesn't need anyone. I don't need a man anymore but that doesn't mean I don't miss the good parts of my ex/: stay strong sister

janeaustenfan99 · 2021-06-14T19:54:12+00:00

Loneliness beats mindless and even dangerous casual sexual encounters

fds3v3ryday · 2021-06-14T18:30:13+00:00

I live in a skyhigh apartment with a cute dog. It's the best and I feel connected to the city/nature. I watch the cargo ships at the Marina or the cars driving around on the highways. On clear days I can see all the way to the end of the ocean where the hills border it. Cloudy, foggy and rainy days have their own mood too. It's more freeing and liberating than the big 5 bed room house life I had with XH

eclo · 2021-06-14T21:10:51+00:00

I feel the same. Reading all the comments this seems to be common. I guess it’s just hard as we’re sold the idea that happiness is a relationship ‘happily ever after’ from when we’re kids and even if we know this is Disney rubbish it’s still hard to let go of it sometimes.

larvikite_ · 2021-06-15T08:03:38+00:00

My hvm showed up after I had decided true happiness had nothing to do with men. I was ready to be single forever, no more kisses, cuddles, sex, live on my own, have a great career, and get some animals. I now feel like it's true that they only come along when you're completely happy being alone and not missing the affection. The reason I didn't miss affection at the time was because it wasn't worth the emotional turmoil of a relationship. It's funny how true love finally came to me only after I felt like I was happier on my own. Now of course I feel even happier with him, I feel very fortunate to be in this position. But I was also happy with being in love with myself instead of a man. I never thought it was possible for someone to love me the same amount I love them, but I was proven wrong by this strange universe. Once you see your worth and don't need a man's affections to be happy, he will show up out of nowhere. I think probably the best men truly love a woman who is happy with herself, because bad men are the ones who prey on vulnerable women and have no interest in the strong confident ones who would still be happy with or without them.

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Title	Anyone who can relate?
Author	petitpoupee
Upvotes	286
Comments	29
Date	June 14, 2021 10:33 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nzjtkl/anyone_who_can_relate/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/anyone-who-can-relate.782313 https://theredarchive.com/post/782313

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