Double Standard with Long Distance

seraphinelysion · 2021-07-18T00:13:29+00:00

The only thing this proves is that you're more invested in the relationship than he is, and he will absolutely use that against you.

galian84 · 2021-07-18T01:02:21+00:00

99% of the time, it IS the woman who is expected to give everything up to live with the man. I’ve had 2 LDRs in my late teens - early 20s. One ex refused to move to me, and my other ex was willing to move because he thought he could mooch off me.

The only other LDR I know now is my best friend and her husband, and it seems to be expected that she will give up her life here to be with him wherever he is (he is military). She never even considered the possibility that he would give up his life for her.

My parents always told me that if I ever decided to move and was in a relationship, he will come with me if he loved me enough.

I hate how women are expected to be the ones to give up their jobs and lives to be isolated from her support system and a man’s slave, essentially. The media does nothing to help this notion, unfortunately.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-07-18T00:29:28+00:00

A lot of women say they would only move for their husbands. The only way I would move for my husband would be if he paid my salary in full, a year in advance. I am not going to be a trailing spouse. Where are you live is about more than your job. Why should you leave behind your support system, your community, your friends, all of the things that you’ve built just to accommodate him? Because I gurandamntee he would not move for you.

vbych76 · 2021-07-18T03:04:06+00:00

I can't underline enough how important this message is. Never forget what you will eventually get in return, which usually amounts to nothing. Consider all scenarios beforehand.

AutomaticNopeMachine · 2021-07-18T08:56:09+00:00

It’s not that you get nothing in return for relocating your life for his sake — you actually get resentment. Especially if you manage to recreate a social circle and enjoy your life in the new location.

Erlekoenig · 2021-07-18T08:59:25+00:00

This brought back a lot of painful memories of my last ex... I had left the state with the promise that I’d come back once I had enough money. We were always broke and had to move back with his parents after quitting our dead end jobs. I was having a difficult time finding solid work, so we agreed that I would move back with my family to maximize savings. To be fair.. I was gone for longer than we had both expected, but that was due to having landed a job that was making me more money than I had ever dreamed I could make. I was ecstatic. And began thinking of the amazing possibilities with our lives.

When I suggested he move here with me he vehemently refused despite me offering to support him until he could find work. I had even offered to fly him over for a birthday getaway for a couple weeks so he could at least get a feel of what living here would be like. I was devastated. Not long after he broke up with me via Snapchat.. not even a phone call just over text. Some time went by, and I tried to get back together to which he claimed he needed alone time, but that it was a possibility. I was so hopeful, and thoroughly crushed when I found out that not only has he actually removed us as a couple from Facebook, but that he was in a new relationship altogether.

This was 7 years of my/our lives just... gone. Worst of all it was like he didn’t even care. I’ve been in therapy ever since, and just trying to improve myself. There’s more details of course, but this post would go on forever.

hedwighedgehog99 · 2021-07-18T12:09:21+00:00

When I got a decent job offer with benefits in the same state retirement system, I refused to move back to our home city (3h drive away) after grad school. All my supports (daycare, multiple therapists for disabled child, friends) were in the grad school city. My husband's job had a better salary than mine, but no health insurance to cover our disabled child's preexisting condition. He and his family were furious with me. But the cost of one hospitalization (and we had >20) would have bankrupted us as a family. I'm glad I followed reason and logic, instead of a misplaced sense of subservient marital "duty". He eventually left us anyway, because his life was "too hard" with a disabled child. Our lives are awesome without him, tbh. Debt free, beautiful support system, wonderful friends, fun hobbies, successful career, financially prepared for retirement. I often shudder at the what ifs: what if I had listened to him instead of my own brain? What if I had thought his bigger salary trumped my much smaller salary, even though my job had all the flexibility and benefits? I would be nowhere near retirement-ready. Our child would not have had all these therapy services. Ladies, the decisions we make for ourselves, or defer to men to make for us, affect the quality of our and our children's lives, for decades. Trust your own gut and your own brain.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-07-18T08:30:58+00:00

I was in LDR, and I remember my coworkers found out, and they were absolutely shocked that I didn't follow him, and that I should. I said, why would I, I finally got a good job and I'm back in school, why would I throw it away?

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2021-07-18T13:24:47+00:00

I'm American, and I see this all the time. I can't even count the number of women I've known who have given up their jobs and/or chances at higher education to follow a man somewhere. I only know of one case when a man has done the same.

What I've seen in these cases is that while the husband climbs skyward in executive management, moving the family for each new position, the woman loses traction in her career. First, she has to stay home and take care of the children when they're babies. Later, when the children are older and she's ready to go back to work, she finds that she's way behind, and also that she can't get traction because the family keeps moving every few years for the man's job.

A brief and incomplete selection of highlights from people that I personally know:

I know one woman with an advanced degree who has been working way below her potential for this exact reason. Her husband is such a jerk. Even before they were married, I heard him speak openly about how he would take whatever job he wanted, wherever he wanted, and he didn't care how she felt about it. I head her timidly tell him that she didn't think she'd be happy living in XYZ location. His response? "You'll learn to like it." They got married, and she basically had to give up her career ambitions.
I know another woman who broke up with her commitment-phobe boyfriend and started a Ph.D program. We were all really happy for her! It seemed that she was forging ahead in her own life. Then, her ex showed up on campus with an engagement ring. He promised her a fairytale ending and convinced her to quit her Ph.D program. His job was in another country, and he didn't want to move to her university town to find another one, and he also didn't want them to be long-distance. She quit her Ph.D and married him.
I know a third woman who was in a long-distance relationship with a man who was in the same field of work but several years older than she was. When they were ready to move forward in their relationship and live together, they "mutually" decided that his job was more prestigious and important, so she would quit her job and move in with him. So she left her work and moved to another country to be with her boyfriend. After she had left her life to be with him, she found that he continued to live like a workaholic bachelor. After she'd moved halfway across the world to be with him, he wouldn't even consider coming home before 9pm on weeknights. He declared that she was being "difficult" and "demanding" for asking him to spend time with her. Eventually, they sorted out their issues (read: she lowered her expectations), and they got married. She has since moved again for his job.

I could go on. ETA: Didn't mean to write such an essay, but this topic gets me really worked up.

JesusisKingisLord · 2021-07-18T02:33:34+00:00

I agree. I almost left my job for a man last year. Thank God I did not. Now I have a badass new job in a different city that I wouldn’t have even applied for were I still w him.

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-07-18T10:41:14+00:00

Triggereddddd. An nvm ex of mine was pressuring me to quit my job (at a pretty big deal organization that I literally beat thousands and thousands of applications to get) to move to his city and old-pickme me was actually considering it 🤡

Luckily his mask slipped a few months later when I discovered he had cheated on his previous fiancée (his excuse for not confessing was that I’d never have given him a chance 🥴) He also had a huge problem with cheating in general since he was literally messaging hundreds of random girls on Facebook for validation that he claimed he wasn’t getting from me (apparently I should’ve worshipped the ground he walked on and been more impressed by his career but instead I was too busy focusing on mine. And rather than being impressed that I knew so much about his field despite having zero experience in it, he got insecure instead and negged me) The breakup ended REALLY BADLY and I’m so glad I dodged that bullet! To this day I’m pretty sure he was an actual psychopath.

So glad I never made the move!!

cremonaviolin · 2021-07-18T05:54:04+00:00

I very nearly did this, now I am filing for divorce instead! 💪🏻

catsuramen · 2021-07-18T11:45:37+00:00

So much this. My uncle moved to Canada to live with her wife (she wanted to be near her family). Even though Canada is a much better place than his origin, he got so much flack about how pussy whipped he is for leaving his job and family for her.

Looking back, he made the right choice because their children grew up with excellent education and living conditions.

jwithherspoons · 2021-07-18T01:03:02+00:00

I moved for my husband. We divorced and I’m still rebuilding my life years later.

LilMagsta · 2021-07-18T06:27:54+00:00

This is a clear case of - if he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to be with you then he would. Most are too selfish to even CONSIDER the idea of leaving/giving his career up lol.

brenna333 · 2021-07-18T07:30:51+00:00

100% agree. My mom did this for my dad and he emotionally cheated on her at work. But he has complete financial power in our family and she’d be left destitute if she divorced.

warinmymind94 · 2021-07-18T18:45:58+00:00

That is how those lvm try to trap you in, by isolating you and throwing into a new an distant environment. Moving in with them and even if you find a new job, you are looking your coworkers and your community of family and friends in your original location. Moving away with means you'd have to totally start over, learning all the ropes. You may end up leaving the past job, even if the new one pays about the same now you may have awful coworkers and a lousy work environment.

More realistically, you would have to settle for a job and the loneliness will make you depend on him, and you become like a prisoner

alexjames_sc · 2021-07-18T22:48:51+00:00

I turned down a proposal because I was not giving up on my professional goals and marrying him would absolutely impact my work. We're both military. Never regretted it a day. He was great, but it wasn't meant for me.

onefoulowl · 2021-07-19T16:14:00+00:00

I think women often move country when in an LDR not even because the (low value) man in the relationship does not want to give up his high paying job and expects her to, but simply because even without a career, these men simply will not put the time and effort into planning to relocate. Finding a job, getting the right visa, saving money for the move. All of this requires effort.

The worst kind of long distance relationship is the type where the man is making zero effort to close the distance but expects you to stay with him regardless. I was in one. We met in a third country where we both worked and both ended up leaving that job eventually when our contracts ended and decided to do long distance. I lived in a first world country and he in a developing one, though he was from a wealthy background and was white. When it came to closing the distance I said I could find a job in his country but he argued that it wouldn't be safe for me there and I had better prospects in my country. Therefore it was best for him to move. His parents supported this move and agreed he could have a better life in europe. However when it came to making any solid plans he also complained is was too hard for him to move with visas and getting qualifications and that 'he wasn't ready' yet expected him to stay with him. After we broke up he continued to contact me for a year and a half leading me to have to block him on every website imaginable to cut him off.

Title	Double Standard with Long Distance
Author	Junior-Lion7893
Upvotes	478
Comments	41
Date	July 18, 2021 12:02 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/omfo8a/double_standard_with_long_distance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/double-standard-with-long-distance.793454 https://theredarchive.com/post/793454

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